Let Love In
by Kimmimaru
Summary: Love is supposed to be the most wonderful thing in the world, so why is it that Sirius and Remus can only feel it ripping them to shreds? Eventual Slash, SB/RL.
1. Chapter One: Friends

**Love is supposed to be the most wonderful thing in the world, so why is it that Sirius and Remus can only feel it ripping them to shreds? Eventual Slash, SB/RL. Based loosely on the Song by the same name by Goo Goo Dolls.**

Let Love In

Chapter One: Friends

"I'm bored." Sirius whined, for what seemed like the trillionth time to his irritated friends.

"Then go do something." Remus replied quietly turning the page of his book.

Sirius glared at him, silver eyes too much like the moon Remus feared so much. "But it's no fun doing something on my own!" He said with a petulant huff as he threw himself backwards, his long legs taking up most of the sofa.

"Go talk to Felicity...she likes you." James said, hazel eyes, now more of a dark brown in the light from the fire.

"Ugh...no. She was alright in the sack but got way too clingy afterwards...Anyway, Amy said she's with that poncy git from Ravenclaw...what's his name...Bert?"

James blinked and finally looked up at his friend. "Amy? You mean Amy Grice?"

"Yeah..." Sirius said with a flash of brilliant white teeth.

"You got with her? She's like the biggest prude in our year...well done mate." James sounded suitably impressed.

"Wasn't much, just a smile and soft words and they fall over themselves to get a piece of this." He waved his hands up and down his body, stretching out on the sofa. "Anyway, she wasn't much of a prude behind closed doors, trust me mate...she was no saintly virgin."

"You learn something new every day." Remus said mildly, turning the page of his book.

There was silence except for the soft hiss and crackle of the fire. Remus lay on his front, legs in the air as he devoured his new Arithmancy book. James was eating chocolate, every now and again, at some unspoken cue, he would hand Remus a chunk. Peter worked on his essay with a deep frown, he was constantly crossing things out and Sirius leaned over, reading what he had so far. "Mate, Vampires aren't allergic to crosses...that's Muggle superstition. And...well, that's completely wrong...Blood doesn't give them superhuman powers...seriously, have you even been listening in class?" Sirius chuckled as Peter went red.

"If you know so much, do it for me?" Peter asked, holding his parchment up hopefully.

Sirius shook his head. "Now that would be cheating Mr. Pettigrew." He wagged his finger self importantly. "I can't be blamed for either my intoxicating good looks, nor my extraordinary brains." He flashed his teeth in a predatory grin before sinking back down on the sofa, arms behind his head as he gazed up at the ceiling.

"Yes, because turning what is supposed to be a liquid potion into what resembles a hard cheese is a prime example of your 'extraordinary brains'..." Remus muttered, his eyes never leaving his book as he took the proffered chocolate from James.

Sirius frowned darkly. "That was an experiment...I was trying to see if it was possible to mix two potions together..."

"Yeah, turns out that if you do try, you get an interesting side to a nice glass of elf made wine." James said, through a mouthful of chocolate.

"But ol' Sluggy wasn't too impressed...my arms still ache when I think about all those glasses he got me to clean. And I mean, really, why can't teachers just wave their wands and poof! It's all gone. It's ridiculous to expect students to act like fucking house elves..."

"Some of us have to do chores at home, it's not so bad." Peter said quietly, gazing down at his near incomprehensible essay.

Sirius sneered. "Yeah, kinda makes me grateful that I don't have to dirty my hands at home." He said pushing hair from his eyes. "We're human beings, not elves. It's slavery is what it is."

"Sirius, do you ever listen to what comes out of your mouth?" Remus asked, finally drawn out of his book.

"Well...yeah..." Sirius looked uncomfortable, his eyes darting around as his friends looked at him incredulously. "Why? Did I say something...wrong?"

Remus sighed heavily, closing his book so that his finger marked his page before sitting up. "Elves have been the slaves of Wizards for centuries..."

"And? They like work." Sirius shrugged. "Just give 'em a filthy pot and they go mental as if you've given them gold."

Remus gave him an almost pitying look, the one he seemed to spare only for Sirius. "It's Wizarding arrogance, you are especially bad for it. Elves are creatures with feelings, like us...they feel sadness, pain and grief...they know happiness...they should be treated with as much respect as you would treat a human being." Although Remus's tone was soft, it was also slightly patronising and this seemed to ignite the flames of irritation within his volatile friend.

"But they're not human, Moony! They're tiny and have great big ears...have you even met a house elf? Anyone would think that you had no idea what they were. Anyway, Kreacher's a git, pure and simple." He shrugged, folding his arms across his chest as if this settled the matter.

For a long while Moony sat in silence, his patience seemingly never ending. He gazed into the flames of the fire before sighing heavily. "You know, not many people who know my...affliction...even treat me as if I'm human." He returned his eyes to Sirius's.

Sirius suddenly looked away, he knew he had reacted badly the first time he had found out Remus was a werewolf, although only James and Peter had witnessed him freak out and none of them had said a word about it to Remus himself. "But that's entirely different!" He said suddenly, imploring them with his eyes. "You're obviously human...I mean, you're not...fluffy all the time! You're still...well...you." He shrugged, giving up.

Moony couldn't help the small smile that curled his lips, Sirius was, despite his numerous faults, a kind boy. He tried so hard to shake off the shackles of his parentage, even to the extent of risking his very limbs to rebel against them, but some things were too deeply ingrained in him. The pureblood arrogance dominated his every move, he was prideful and completely vicious when that pride was damaged. But he could also be kind, and surprisingly gentle, like when they would wake up in the forest after a transformation and he would find Sirius gazing at him through that wonderfully pitch black hair, concern making his eyes glow faintly. Remus sighed, he knew it was pointless to argue this point, so he reopened the book. James had been too absorbed in his own essay composition to really pay any attention to the brief near-argument.

Sirius watched Remus bury his nose into the book again before sighing and falling back into the sofa. He gazed up at the ceiling, his limbs spread at all angles. At fifteen he knew who he was, he knew what he was and most of all he took confidence in the fact that he was comfortable with himself. But, lately he had been having difficulty, it wasn't the fact that he was different from his friends...he was, but that was fine, he was ok with that. It was the fact that his friends had no idea why he avoided invitations to their houses, why he came back after a holiday limping or with bruises. He didn't want to worry them, he didn't want them to know. He frowned slightly, deep in his own thoughts, he knew he wasn't quite sane...he was certain that there was something wrong with his head and James took great pleasure in reminding him, time and time again that he was missing some fundamental human emotions. He wasn't entirely sure what James meant by that, and it bothered him. It really bothered him. His frown darkened and he made an odd growling noise in the back of his throat, Remus looked up, stiffening slightly as he gazed intently at Sirius who seemed completely unaware that he had made any noise. Moony shifted uncomfortably, he could almost see the anger pouring from his friend and it always scared him slightly when Sirius was angry. He was dangerous, his eyes would go so dark they resembled storm clouds and he would hex the nearest person simply out frustration. But it wasn't simply the anger that scared the Werewolf, it was his unpredictability, it was impossible to know when he would get angry and he could go from being happy and smiling to suddenly into a rage, for no other reason than he'd made a mistake on his homework.

All his friends treated him with wary respect when he was in a mood, none of them wanting to have something heavy thrown at their heads. When Sirius got angry he cleared rooms.

James sighed, putting aside his homework and standing, he stretched his arms above his head and yawned, rumbling his hair. "Pads, come with me to the Quidditch pitch, I need to practice." He said, using his rare tact to draw Sirius into a good mood again. Peter sat up, his eyes widening briefly as he realised Sirius was bordering on decimating the place.

Sirius sat up, dark hair covering his face, his fingers dug into the sofa and he nodded. Without speaking he stood and followed James up to the dorms to get their brooms. Remus let out a soft sigh, partly in relief and partly to release the tension that had built in his chest. Sirius's magic was potent, a wild mixture of intense emotion and when he got angry it manifested into blowing up random objects and although Remus feared it, a part of him, that deep dark secret part of him actually enjoyed it. The wolf side of him loved the fury, the pure unadulterated rage that spewed forth from the black haired boy, he was passionate in everything he did but when he was angry that passion exploded like a fountain. The werewolf swallowed and tried to concentrate on his book again, but gave up soon afterwards, it was a lost cause. His mind was too full, so he stood and muttered something about going out to watch Sirius and James fly.

Sirius loved to fly. He wasn't as good as James, and he didn't bother with Quidditch, but he loved it none the less. It was early evening and they had the pitch to themselves, James was circling around Sirius, trying to make him dizzy but Sirius closed his eyes and tipped his head back, smiling. He liked the sense of freedom he got from flying, even if it was only brief. He smiled as he opened his eyes and gazed around the pitch, he saw two figures below him and swooped lower, dodging James who flew a bit too close. He swooped low over the two spectators, and saw Remus smiling up at him, he returned the smile with a grin of his own. He was feeling better now, the wind blowing away all the cares that had plagued him, the memories of the awful letter he had received by owl that morning, the memories of having Slytherin's hissing at him in corridors. He was filled with a seemingly never ending joy as he swerved dangerously before going into a dive that rapidly turned into a plummet. He laughed as he crashed into the ground, rolling over several times before coming to a stop with his head spinning and making him feel slightly ill. But he didn't stop laughing, he lay in the grass, gazing up at the stars as they poked out through the clouds. Feet made the ground rumble and he heard the shocked voices of his friends, but still he laughed, long and hard until they joined in. James threw himself down at his side and Remus lay on his other side. Peter joined them so they all watched the sky darken.

"You...are fucking mental!" James gasped after calming himself.

Sirius grinned, stretching his arms above his head. "I know." He replied.

"You scared me half to death." Remus murmured.

"That wasn't the point...I don't even know why I did it...just wanted a laugh I 'spose."

"Well, in future, do it somewhere I can't see so I don't have a heart attack." Remus's voice was soft but Sirius could hear the smile in it. His own smile was gentle and slightly lopsided. He didn't know what was going on but he had been feeling awkward around Remus, he found himself staring a lot more than usual, sometimes catching Remus watching him back with an almost predatory look in his eyes that he associated with the wolf. He found himself blushing for no apparent reason when their eyes met and he was forced to look away, furious with himself for acting weird.

Slowly he sat up, his eyes on the distant twinkle of Hagrids Cabin for a moment before he sighed happily and climbed to his feet, he strode over and picked up his broom before poking James with the end until James jumped to his feet and tackled him to the floor. "OW! Fucking shit! James! That's my hair! Ow!" He half laughed as James yanked on his hair, trying to put him into a submission hold.

"Shouldn't have it so fucking long then, you big girl!" James replied through his own laughter. They could hear Peter giggling and Remus's tut.

Sirius twisted himself, in what should have been an impossible position and he grabbed James hands pushing him off so he hit the floor. "If I'm a girl then you won't mind this..." he grinned, puckering his lips and trying to pin James to the floor and kiss him.

"Ew! Get off of me! This is disgusting!"

"Take it back then!" Sirius replied, dodging a blow from one of James's hands. "Go on...submit!"

"Never! Get off of me!" he lashed out with his legs, trying to hit Sirius in the balls, but missed. "You freak!"

Finally James, with Sirius's lips inches from his face, gave up. He laughed and heaved Sirius off of him, standing and dusting down his robes. Sirius sat on the floor, hair falling around his grinning face as he threw his head back and laughed, more like the sharp bark of a dog. Remus watched, unable to look away, he felt his cheeks heat with blood as he saw Sirius sweeping his fringe from those twin pools of moonlight and their eyes met. It was as if electricity shot down Remus's spine, the gaze was intense, filled with that insane, uncontrollable passion that filled Sirius's body. Slowly Padfoot licked his lips, almost hungrily, before breaking the eye contact with an almost audible snap and climbing to his feet, he stooped to get his broom and strode off, following James as they headed back to the common room. Remus paused for a split second, trying to explore these weird feelings before shaking his head and running to catch up to his friends. When he reached them Sirius threw a casual arm around his shoulders and chatted animatedly about nothing in particular.

Christmas sped towards them so quickly they almost ran out of time to buy peasants for each other, Sirius thought it was a bit like being slapped in the face with a wet towel as they walked into the Great Hall to find several massive trees all glittering along the walls and people chattering excitedly about their holidays. After breakfast the foursome left the hall and made their leisurely way up the stairs to the common room to laze about and take full advantage of the last Sunday before Christmas. Suddenly Sirius stopped, making James walk into him. His eyes were on an ice sculpture, obviously created by Flitwick, it showed a centaur rearing up looking impressively realistic. "I want to dress it up...is that weird?" Sirius turned to his friends.

James put a hand on his shoulder, consolingly. "Yes, it's very weird." He said, patting him gently.

"Still..." Sirius returned his gaze to the statue. "I reckon it'd look good in a hat...maybe a jacket..."

"Um...ok...Can I ask why?" Remus asked, just as lost as Peter and James.

"No idea. But I'm going to do it." He pulled out his wand, his eyes moving around until he spotted a small platform where a massive vase stood. He stepped over to it and pushed it off so it smashed on the floor.

"Was there any need for that?" Remus asked, waving his wand so the pieces re-formed.

"I have a plan, Moony, don't you worry your pretty little head." Sirius assured him before climbing up onto the plinth and steadying himself by sticking his arms out to either side, once he was balanced he lifted his wand, pointing it at the statue. After a couple of hissed words the Centaur was wearing a rather nice blazer with a silly Christmas hat. Tinsel decorated its waist and James also noticed that it had make-up on. Sirius made to step back to admire his handy work, forgetting he was stood on an unstable plinth, he fell, his eyes widening slightly and before the others could catch him there was a sickening crack and then silence.


	2. Chapter Two: Accidents

**A/N: Hope people are reading this and if you are, if you would be so kind as to leave me a review? I would like to know what you think. I hope you find it amusing...I'm not very good with funny, so I am using my own special brand of humour, and...not everyone shares my weird sense of humour. So, please leave me a little tid bit if you like! Thanks.**

Chapter Two: Accidents

James hovered nervously beside Sirius's bed, Remus was looking terrified as Madam Pomfrey began tending the boy. Both Remus and James had bloody hands but they hardly seemed to notice, Peter watched the blood drip from Sirius's head slowly, each one seeming like a nail in his coffin...surely he was bleeding way too much?

"He will be fine, Boys." Poppy said as she ushered them back, she closed the curtains around the bed with her wand before turning back to them. "He will have to stay in overnight as he has just cracked his skull open, I don't want him doing anything strenuous either, do you understand?"

James nodded, his eyes wide behind his glasses. "You...sure he's alright?"

"As alright as he can be after hitting his head. He is going to be fine, now you go back to your common rooms, I have patients." She waved them off and they left with many glances behind them.

When Sirius came around he wasn't entirely sure how he had got there...or where 'there' was. He realised, slightly belatedly that he had the mother of all headaches, it even made his teeth ache and he decided that whatever he had been doing he would not be doing again anytime soon. Finally he tried to sit up, but that was an awful, terrible, ridiculously painful thing to do so he lay back down again, breathing hard through his nose in a vain attempt to make the pain go away. He had managed a brief glance around and realised he must be in the hospital wing, which wasn't all that surprising considering how his head was obviously filled with a very, very angry man with a giant fucking hammer. His thoughts turned, oddly, to Remus...He wondered what he was doing, how he was doing and who he was with while doing...whatever it was he was doing. Sirius frowned, making a face in the dark, what was he doing? Odd bloody thing to be thinking about while that little man is hammering away, chipping away at the inside of Sirius's skull as if he was having the time of his little, imaginary life. Sirius shook his head but regretted that immediately as the little man got out a pneumatic drill, the kind the Muggles used to make big holes in the streets just to hold up the already horrific traffic.

Sirius whiled the time away by gazing up at the ceiling and trying to remember just what he had done to deserve a pounding headache, but his memories were fuzzy, made from feathers which would be blown away on the wind with each breath he took. He tried to sleep, feeling like this was the thing to get rid of the little man, but it was useless as his imaginary tormentor turned out to be a sadist. He groaned softly and found himself hoping it would all end, he had never wanted to lose consciousness more...well, except that one time when his father had pulled his arm out of its socket...but he didn't want think about that. There was a time and a place for everything and Sirius had long ago decided that school and home were two very, very different things. In his mind there was a barrier, he saw it as a great towering wall made of steel, it kept his pure happiness whilst at school firmly away from the dark misery and pain that was his home life. He had erected this wall as soon as he had received that howler from his mother after being sorted, it was humiliating and painful as the letter had burst into flames as wicked as his mother's sharp bladed tongue. He had not spoken to anyone all day after that, even avoided Remus's gentle nudges during Transfiguration when he had been gazing out the window instead of listening to McGonagall. So, whenever he got a letter he would not read it at the table, he would take it to his bed, close the curtains firmly around himself and read it in the half light, he would absorb the insults, the insinuated threats and the almost audible hissing from the expensive parchment and afterwards he would crumple it up in his fist and lie on his bed, never understanding what that awful feeling was in his gut. It felt like freezing fingers were grasping at his lungs, as his heart tried to burst through his ribs in a weird attempt at freedom. He couldn't understand why his eyes prickled uncomfortably or even why he ended up curled on his side, gasping and panting, clutching his aching chest that simply refused to work properly.

He determinedly steered his mind away from the mental images those memories conjured, because he was at school, he was safe, happy and healthy. Who cared what the future held? Who cared when he could really be himself without having to fear the agony of having his hair grabbed in a huge fist and his face slammed into a table, or be told how worthless he was, how wonderful his brother was in comparison. No, he would keep those thoughts behind that wall and hope they only haunted him only in his dreams. With a slightly lopsided smile he began making mental pictures, he had taken up this...odd, hobby when he had been a lot younger. He thought it had started as a way to escape pain, after his father had beaten him too badly and he had been laid up in bed for a solid week after his mother had refused to heal his injuries. He closed his eyes and imagined a wide open space, space for him to run through, which he did. He laughed and ran through the long grass, which snagged on his clothes, he ran and relished his freedom before turning on the spot and throwing himself to the floor so he could stare up at the sky which was filled with stars, even though it was day time. He had always liked stars, even reluctantly liking his name, and not just because he could make stupid jokes about how 'Sirius' he was. As he gazed up at the strange sky he saw the full moon gazing back at him, the man in the moon smiling jovially and laughing with him.

Then, something tore him from his wonderful, fantastically weird dream. Voices. He opened his eyes and realised it was day time, he must have fallen asleep, he sat up gingerly, hoping the little man wouldn't re-start his labour but was relieved when he didn't. He looked up to see James running towards him, robes flying out behind him as he practically threw several packets of sweets at him. "Hey!" he said with a broad grin, looking at him closely. "How are you feeling?"

"Well," Sirius began ripping open a chocolate frog with his teeth. "The little man has stopped his demolition work." He said seriously. "And apparently the man in the moon can wink...So yeah, pretty good."

James got over this bizarre statement by nodding. "Ok, good...that means you'll be out of here soon." He eyed Pomfrey who pursed her lips, looking down at Sirius who flashed her his most charming grin.

"Arlight, you will be able to leave today."

"Woo!" Sirius threw his arms in the air, nearly hitting the nurse in the face.

"But!" She said firmly making Sirius whine loudly and throw himself back into his pillows. "No strenuous activity for a few days, we had to re-grow your skull so I suspect it's feeling a bit delicate."

"Awww...But I really wanted to ride a Hippogriff over a rainbow and hunt down some Leprechauns." He muttered.

"What would you do with a Leprechaun when you found one?" Remus asked curiously.

Sirius leaned forward, "Well, if you shake them hard enough gold falls out...and not their stupid fool's gold either...real gold!" His silver eyes were wide as he described it and he nodded before grabbing his chocolate frog before it tried to escape and biting its head off.

James frowned thoughtfully. "Hang on...wouldn't the little shit have your fingers off? I mean, they're vicious buggers..."

Sirius considered this problem for a while. "Yeah, I spose you could stun them."

Peter sat down in a seat, listening contentedly as Remus perched on Sirius's bed where he picked up a piece of chocolate and sucked on it. They were all silent for a moment until Sirius took a sudden breath, his eyes wide. "Oh! Oh!" He said, flapping his hands as if he was trying to wave away flies. "You know what?" He gazed at his friends who leaned closer. "I reckon...that as it's warm in the summer, the girls will be all wearing skirts...yeah?" he raised an eyebrow, a small smirk on his lips. James nodded slowly, his eyes brightening.

"...We could use..." James began slowly.

"Yes!" Sirius continued, somehow knowing exactly what James was talking about. "Then it'd..."

"Blow up their..."

"Yeah..." Sirius giggled. "And in front of _everyone_!" He ended with relish.

James sighed, staring off into the distance. "Reckon I'd get to see her panties too?" he asked.

Sirius pulled a face, knowing who he was talking about. "If you like your testicles where they are then I wouldn't even try it mate."

"Yeah...I spose..." James let out a long drawn out sigh and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"She doesn't like you." He said seriously. "She's probably all dried up down there from lack of use..."

"Sirius! Do you have to..." Remus muttered, pulling a slightly disgusted face.

"Stop being a woman and eat your chocolate." Sirius replied, shoving some at Remus who took it with a pointed glare in his direction, which Sirius ignored with practised elegance.

"So, how far are you on that essay about the trolls?" Peter asked suddenly, catching Sirius off guard as his mind had drifted off again, away on white fluffy clouds of wonderful fluffiness...

"Huh...? What...?" Sirius muttered through his mouthful of chocolate frog.

"The essay...from Professor Grimsby? You know about..." Peter trailed off, going red at having all eyes on him. His voice goes quiet and he looks down at his hands.

Sirius shrugged and ignored him. "So, who's shagging who and who is trying to kill who?" He said very quickly, so his friends had to mentally pause and rewind what he had said to fully digest it.

Then, James being one of the very few people able to understand Sirius in his bizarre state of mind, began describing who was currently going out with who and why. "Oh...and when you get out be careful mate...Alexandria wants your dick nailed to the wall for cheating on her with Higgins."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about that one, she's so pathetic at spells she won't get near me without sprouting Kumquats where no Kumquat should ever be..."

"But somewhere, I am going to assume, you _have_ been?" Remus asked, it was supposed to be a casual question, a throw away thing that didn't really matter...because really Sirius's multiple sexual conquests were not his concern...but he couldn't help feeling an odd tightening in his chest as he imagined Sirius wrapped around Alexandria, the dark haired extremely pretty Ravenclaw girl...

"Oh Little Remmy...You don't even want to know what I had her screaming." He grinned wickedly. "Well, I'm gunna tell you anyway..." He spent a while describing in great, gory detail about what he had got up to with Alexandria the very pretty Ravenclaw. And the more Remus heard the smaller he felt, and he just could _not_ understand why!

As time passed Sirius began to feel eyes on him, he couldn't escape the feeling he was being watched and it was freaking him out slightly, even though he knew who was doing the watching. He had immense difficulty preventing his own eyes from meeting Remus's, it only got worse as the next full moon came around, apparently the wolf was not going to allow Remus to try and forget the weird feelings that his friend now stirred in him. They found themselves spending long periods of time simply watching each other, Sirius feeling like an animal in a trap and Remus feeling distinctly frustrated, _why_ did he want to blush when his eyes met Sirius's or when he found himself staring as Sirius stepped out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel?

Sirius could feel an intense curiosity forming around his friend, he couldn't let it go, he found himself wondering vaguely some nights, what Remus's lips would feel like if he was to touch them, or how his hair would feel tangled in his fingers. His mind wasn't repulsed by the idea of cornering Remus simply to find out these things, and that was slightly disturbing.

The next match of the Quidditch season found the Marauders surrounded by screaming, celebrating Gryffindor's obviously the inevitable party ensued with ridiculous amounts of alcohol and lots of sweaty, heaving bodies pressed against each other. The music was loud, so loud it filled Sirius with its pounding beat, making him reel with the intensity of the music, the soft flesh of some random, easy girl and the spirits flowing through his veins. The common room was little more than a club, people bounced up and down, James stood on a table pretending to play the Muggle guitar while his adoring fans screamed. Sirius pressed the girl against the wall, a bottle of half empty fire whiskey in one hand while the other was firmly up her top. His lips were pressed to hers as she arched her back off the wall, moaning his name. He was filled with fire, a fire that made his heart thrum with energy. Then he was pulled away, grinning madly into the face of another girl who slapped him firmly around the face and stormed off with tears in her eyes. Sirius laughed, downing some more booze, and suddenly all the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he turned to see Remus sitting on a table, slumped as if he'd been deflated. He walked over, dodging people who tried to dance with him before stopping before Moony and heaving himself up onto the table by his side. "You alrigh'?" He mumbled, sloshing whiskey over his hand and cursing. He lifted his hand to lips, sucking the moisture off absently, his eyes met Remus's and the intensity in his gaze made him freeze. This was not the human Remus looking back at him out of those liquid amber eyes, this was the wolf. He stuck his fingers in his mouth, trying to prevent them from going sticky and he noticed the wolf watching this movement hungrily. He felt electricity sear his spine and he shivered under that bright gaze, before he knew what was happening Remus had grabbed his hand and was running his tongue over the skin, his eyes never leaving Sirius's. The dark haired boy groaned heavily, unable to stop the noise escaping his throat. "R-Remusss..." He hissed softly as the wolf nipped his fingers with very sharp teeth...inhumanly sharp.

Remus said nothing as he released Sirius and slipped from the table, without looking back he strode purposefully towards the dorms. Sirius sat still, trying to stem the rush of blood that raced through his body, almost making him pant. His mind was clouded by drink and he was unsteady on his feet but he downed what was left in the bottle, allowing the burn to give him false courage before following Remus at an odd meandering pace. When he reached the bedroom he saw the wolf waiting for him, standing rather awkwardly by his bed, he was swaying slightly as the light from the almost full moon highlighted him. Sirius licked his lips, feeling his throat go dry as his eyes met Remus's. "Moons?" He croaked stepping closer, but the wolf had other ideas apparently and he found himself slammed painfully into the wall, plaster crumbled as the wolf looked deep into his eyes and growled. Sirius was no stranger to being dominated, as a dog he was forced to submit to the wolf in play so really he should have expected this...but his mind rebuked the idea of Remus being so close. He tried to push against that firm chest but his hands were ripped from him and he was pinned to the wall, the wolf buried his face Sirius's hair and took a deep breath making Sirius shiver and a soft moan escape his lips. His hands clenched tightly and his curiosity broke free. He relaxed visibly, allowing the wolf to sense his willingness to submit, after all, he knew the language of animals...and that was exactly what they were.

Nails as sharp as daggers pierced the flesh of Sirius's wrists as the wolf used his free hand to tear open his shirt, buttons went flying everywhere and landed with little plunks. Then, Remus lowered his head, still emitting a soft growl as he nipped at the flesh of Sirius's throat. Sirius let his head fall back and hit the wall, allowing confusing feelings to wash through him, feelings that were far too complicated to even comprehend. Then he felt teeth on his ear, nipping, biting and he gasped shivering as pleasure washed through him at the unexpected pain. Then Remus lifted his head and they stared at each other, both mirroring that insatiably hungry look. Sirius felt a knee between his legs as lips descended and pressed lightly against his own, he let Remus make the moves, as his fingers clenched and unclenched in their impromptu prison. Then he tipped his head slightly to the side, silently telling his friend that this was ok. He was alright with this...bizarre new development.

The kiss was unlike anything Sirius had felt before. Remus's lips were soft, gentle at first but growing in passion as Sirius opened his mouth obediently to allow the wolf's tongue to slip between into it. His breathing had become ragged and heavy, he had never felt this odd mixture of intense emotions, when he was with a girl all he really wanted was a quick orgasm and then he would leave them for the next, this was more like standing outside in a storm; different, new, exciting and exhilarating. He moved closer, exploring Remus's tongue with his own, expertly using all his experience to draw out the soft almost desperate whimpers from the boy pressing him into the wall.

When next Remus pulled away they were both panting heavily, Remus gazed down into Sirius's eyes, noticing how dark they had become, how huge the pupils were and how his lips were slightly pink as he licked at them with the tip of his tongue. His black hair was a beautiful messy halo around his face and his smile was slow and languid, making the wolf shiver. He realised he desperately wanted this, and the alcohol had simply brought forth all his hidden desires and they were manifesting themselves through the golden eyes of the animal he was to become the next night. He swallowed hard, hearing his dry throat click as Sirius's eyes moved up and down his body, their chests heaved against each other and he felt the wolf decide enough was enough and before he could stop himself he had thrown Sirius roughly onto the bed, ignoring his shocked gasp he sat astride him and bent his head, nipping almost playfully at his throat, loving the way Sirius's hips moved against his own, uncontrollable moans, whimpers of desperation escaped his prey and it set his whole body on fire.

Sirius panted slightly, seemingly unable to draw in enough air into his burning lungs. Remus's weight was pushing against him, their mouths connected as they kissed frantically, he felt Remus's unusually sharp teeth graze his tongue before they found his bottom lip and sharp pain had him feeling that wonderfully addictive buzz through his body, it went straight to his groin and he was rendered helpless...and Sirius Black despised being helpless. He reached up, grabbing handfuls of Remus's hair, pulling him away for a moment so he could catch his breath. "M-Moony..." He gasped, breathlessly.

Remus growled, unable to form coherent words, he could see the slight fear in his friends eyes but also knew he was loving the mixture of fear and excitement. Sirius was, after all, a thrill seeker. He would do anything, try anything no matter what it involved. As Remus leaned down to capture the slightly red lips of his partner again there was a loud bang. Sirius pushed Remus off of him, in one elegantly fluid movement he was stood up, wiping his lip on his sleeve and gasping, holding himself upright on the post of Remus's bed. The wolf sat on the floor blinking, shock clear on his face as his eyes returned to their normal dark brown, his hair was a mess about his head and he too was panting heavily.

It seemed James hadn't noticed anything unusual as he stormed across the room, kicking his trunk and swearing loudly. "That fucking, stuck up, know it all..._bitch_!" He shouted furiously.

Sirius seemed to compose himself instantly, he smiled and threw himself onto his bed, watching James storm around, kicking anything within reach. "What did she do?"

James glared at him. "I charmed the ceiling to proclaim my love for her...and what does she do? Slap me! In front of all those people! Does she even know who I am?" He hissed before throwing his arms in the air and gripping handfuls of his own hair. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore! I have tried...over and over again to try and get her to go out with me...but it's all so...so..." He yelled again, kicking the bed and hopping up and down when he stubbed his toe. "Shit. Fuck. Pissing...WANK!" He fell backwards, seeming to have run out of swear words. Sirius raised an eyebrow calmly while Remus picked himself up off the floor, finally gaining James's attention. "What are you doing down there, Moons?"

Remus jerked, a funny little uncontrollable movement and he had to force his eyes away from Sirius who he knew was smirking that annoyingly self satisfied smirk. "I fell." He muttered, hiding his face as he pretended to dust himself down.

James seemed to accept this and went back to his brooding. Sirius took the opportunity to meet Remus's eyes, the boy flushed furiously, his mouth set into a tight line as he shook his head quickly. Sirius frowned, a dark, almost mean look crossed his face which made the air crackle around him before he shrugged and stood unsteadily, his hand went out and he grabbed the bed post to prevent himself from hitting the floor, which had taken on a life of its own. "Damn..." He muttered. "Why's the world gone all...squiffy?"

"Because it hates us." James replied moodily.

"Now...Mr. Prongs...the world does not hate me..." Sirius's words slurred and he raised a finger. "You see...I am the great and ever so wonderful Sirius...Orion...Black! And I am...a gift from Mother Nature to all you little people...I am..." he paused, staring into the distance, his face going whiter. His stomach cramped horribly and he pulled a face. "...Going to...be sick..." He muttered before turning, trying to run to the bathroom and failing spectacularly by falling flat on his face as he tripped on his own undone shoelaces. James roared with laughter as he picked himself up, threw something hard at James and tried again, being a little more successful on his second attempt.

Remus heard him evacuating his stomach in the toilet and he shook his head, he had managed to calm his shaking hands but could not stop memories of feeling Sirius beneath him. He chewed nervously on his lip before lying back on his bed. As he let his eyes closed he could still see Sirius's eyes, pupils huge with what could only have been desire and black hair caressing one cheek. He sighed and rolled on to his side, his eyes opening so he stared at Sirius's empty bed. He could hear the tap going and someone brushing their teeth loudly, with another, more annoyed sigh he shifted feeling uncomfortable. Surely, what they had done was wrong? Men shouldn't be...doing that. It was definitely wrong. Undeniably disturbing and if anyone found out...he shuddered. No. He was better off squashing whatever these feelings were when he thought about his friend, he would make sure nothing like that ever happened again. But, as sleep finally clouded his mind, a small smile lit his face as he remembered being looked at as if he was...wanted.


	3. Chapter Three: Questions

_**This is to 'Sem' who left me a review, I am unable to give you a proper reply, as you have not signed into your account when you left me the review. :( So, I was unable to explain this in any other way, I apologise, but I feel this does need explaining as I obviously have not made it clear through my writing, so, in answer to your review: JK Rowling describes Sirius as very 'animal like' in the books, so yes, he is an animal in that he acts like the very dog he turns into. I did not mean literally, obviously, it was a metaphor. Remus is a Werewolf and around the full moon, as it is pointed out in canon, he becomes animalistic. Also, I know quite a bit about wolf behaviour and I cannot see how, as a pack, the werewolf would not be the dominant one, even over Sirius, considering its innate violence. Yes, Remus is quiet and unassuming but I just can't see his werewolf-ish instincts not being connected to heightened emotion in any circumstances, so, when he corners Sirius he is acting out in a purely primal way, driven by lust and too much to drink and also the nearly full moon. And as for Sirius being submissive, he is an adventurous character I get the feeling that he would have quite liked to try everything and anything, whether that's sex related or otherwise. I believe that humans are, by their very nature (when it comes to lust at least) very much like animals and alcohol simply removes those human inhibitions that we have normally. As for making Sirius bottom, yes he will do, but so will Remus...it is my experience that in a relationship each partner can take it in turns to dominate, I see no reason why it can't work in the world of fiction. I am glad you took the time to review and that you told me what you thought, however, next time, please give me a way to contact you without having to resort to an Authors Note. Also, I appreciate constructive criticism but you need to go into a little bit more detail, why exactly, didn't you like it? Was it written badly? Etc etc...But honestly, thank you for reading and I hope that's cleared up any confusion. :)**_

Chapter Three: Questions

"Alright!" Sirius snarled as he slammed his book closed. Peter flinched and let out an undignified squeak, ink splattering his page. James looks up curiously from his paper. "Enough! I. Have. Had. ENOUGH!" He stands, his chair falling backwards with a slam, making Peter jump again, spilling yet more ink over his ruined parchment.

"What is this?" The soft hiss of Madam Pince makes all three boys turn. "This is a _Library_ Mr. Black!" She seemed scandalised by Sirius's outburst.

Sirius sneered. "I noticed." He said softly.

"Then you should be quiet! People are trying to study!"

"Oh, shut up you nosey old bat." Sirius replied, grabbing his bag and turning on his heels. He stormed out of the library ignoring the Librarians outraged splutters. As Sirius walked he tried to control his breathing, which was difficult, he never had quite the amount of control over his emotions as he would have liked. He thought it had something to do with the fact that his parents were related. As he strode past a vase it shattered into sharp shards, he crunched over them without looking back. He had no idea why he was in such a foul mood but he knew it was due to an inexpressible frustration with no seeming root, no matter how many girls he managed to seduce, no matter how many times he lost himself in sex he couldn't get rid of it. And every time he closed his eyes he could see Remus's face floating behind his lids, like a ghost, just waiting for him to try and sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about it, that night at the party...his thoughts began to turn ever more savage as he aimed a kick at a nearby suite of Armour that let out a yell as he passed, Sirius flipped it off with the air of someone who simply no longer cares.

Remus stepped out of the Prefects bathroom, humming to himself, his hair was damp and he was wearing his robe. As he moved into the corridor he froze as he saw a figure moving towards him. "Sirius!" He exclaimed in surprise.

Sirius halted, his silver eyes so dark it was as if clouds had covered the moon, he looked haughty and severely pissed off. "Moons." He said in a stiff voice, laced with potential venom. Remus felt that tightness in his chest again as he took a hesitant step closer, he frowned at his friend carefully.

"Are you...alright?" He asked.

Sirius's face contorted. "No! Of course I'm bloody well not!" He snarled furiously, making a nearby statue explode with a small scream.

Remus sighed, absently repairing the stone bust with a wave of his wand, it muttered a depressed sounding thanks. "Look, why don't we talk about this somewhere else..." Sirius took a menacing step closer, the very air becoming as thick as syrup. Remus tried to get a whole breath into his lungs but found it impossible. "Sirius..." He breathed softly, it was almost a moan. Sirius's dark hair obscured his eyes as he kept moving forward, Remus stepped backwards on impulse until his back hit the cold stone wall. "Wha...?" He didn't manage to complete his sentence as his mouth was claimed. He froze in utter shock, unable to respond in any way.

After a second or two Sirius drew away, "Why won't you get out of my head?" He whispered against Remus's lips, his eyes shining brightly. "You...won't leave me alone. I can't concentrate...I can't even think straight...stop it. Whatever you've done to me...undo it. I don't like it...well...I do...but...I..."

Remus's eyes were as large as saucers, he couldn't think what to say or even what he should be feeling. Sirius's unabashed confession made his cheeks flush, his heart race uncomfortably and his insides squirm. He rubbed slightly sweaty palms against his legs before trying to talk. His voice came out in a rough croak that sounded nothing like himself, he shook his head and tried again. "I haven't done anything!" He almost squeaked, reminding himself of peter. He flushed and made it all worse, so he turned his eyes away in the hopes that he wouldn't have to see the derisive amusement in Sirius's eyes.

"Y-You didn't?" Sirius muttered, as wrong footed as if Remus had just announced he had grown breasts. Remus risked a quick glance and saw confusion on Sirius's face, he wasn't used to it and he felt slightly confused himself. "Then...what's wrong with me?" Sirius looked at him, blinking slightly, seeming to forget that he had Remus pinned to the wall. "I-I...I'm confused! I have no idea what's happening anymore...Moony...you're clever, you're good with feelings and stuff..._explain_!" He looked desperate, he was completely unable to work out what he was feeling, or even if he was feeling anything at all. His insides were squirmy, as if someone had filled him with snakes and his heart was beating too quickly and he felt sick more often than not. He chewed on his lip with a frown, waiting for Remus's deduction, because he always knew what to say, what to do when Sirius was confused about feelings. "Why can't I get you out of my head?"

"I-I...I have no idea!" Remus replied feeling a little desperate himself. He sighed and closed his eyes, he didn't understand his own feelings, so how could he try and understand Sirius? The boy was half way to insane as it was and his emotions seemed to run at an entirely different frequency to everyone else's. Only James seemed to understand him, and even then he had to think about it.

Sirius growled in frustration and before Remus knew what was happening he was pulled to the statue to the Prefects bathroom. "What's the password?" Sirius snapped, his grip tight on Remus's arm.

"I-I...Freshwater!" he stuttered and they entered the bathroom.

Sirius paused to gaze around the room with interest before shutting the door and turning on Moony. "Right..." he said matter-of-factly, folding his arms firmly across his chest. "There is something wrong with me, my head is...is full of you...since...that night and I...I don't understand why. I'm tired of seeing your face when I close my eyes...I-I need and explanation!"

Remus gazed at him, feeling as if he had been sucked into some surrealist painting. "I don't know!" he said desperately.

Sirius growled again, a low forbidding sound that sent chills up the werewolf's spine. "Fine." He hissed softly, reaching Remus in two fast strides, he grabbed him, slamming him roughly into the wall and pressed his lips against Remus's without another word. Remus found himself clinging on for dear life, his fingers digging into Sirius's arms he could feel his heart racing at impossible speeds, his body was first too hot then too cold. His brain had turned to jelly and apparently he was kissing Sirius back, with equal fervour. Sirius relaxed slightly, his tongue reaching out to meet Remus's, his hand slid to Remus's waist and pulled him closer. Finally he pulled away with a sigh and pressed his forehead against the werewolf's. "I like this." He whispered slowly, opening those silver eyes and gazing hopefully into Remus's brown ones. "I think this is...what makes the frustration go away."

Remus bit down on his lip again, a nervous habit. He shook his head. "What is? Kissing me? H-How?"

Sirius's smile belonged on a serpent. He slid his hand up Moony's back and pulled him even closer, even though Remus was convinced he could not get any closer without crawling inside Sirius's skin. He was afraid and yet...yet...he realised with astonishment that he was alright with this. "I don't know what's wrong with me, but until it stops..." he kissed Remus again, sighing softly, his breath smelling of strawberries from the Lollipop he'd been eating earlier. "I want to keep doing this."

"But...It's wrong!" Remus gasped, finally sliding from Sirius's grip. He stepped back. "We're...guys! Sirius, there are certain social conventions we have to adhere to and..."

"Moony?" Sirius interrupted.

"Y-yes?"

"Shut the hell up." He smiled. "Since when have I given a shit about anything? I want you. I want you to myself, and what I want, I get." He looked intense as he spoke and Remus felt himself bristling.

"I am not a possession." He said stiffly. "You, Sirius Black are nothing more than a spoilt prince!"

Sirius's face darkened like thunder. "Spoilt, _what_?" He sounded slightly hurt. His mind was filling with anger again, and, like its usual tidal wave of emotion it swept over him. "Spoilt? I'm hardly spoilt!" He growled.

Remus sighed and deflated. "I know you're not..." he fell back against the wall. "Look, you have to understand that people won't accept us, we're...both male...for starters."

Sirius's anger was gone as easily as it had arrived and he raised an eyebrow. "Why? I don't get this at all. If I'm not kissing you I have to think about you...twenty-four-bloody-seven! I can't do it! I've never thought about one person so much in my life...and I want to do it!" he took a sharp step closer again. "I want it. I want to know what you're like...I'm curious. Maybe it'll stop when I get over my curiosity but I...I want to _know_!"

Remus shook his head slowly, he couldn't control all his emotions, he could hardly decipher them. He frowned, knowing that Sirius got bored easily, he had the attention span of a teaspoon and had gone through about half the girls in Hogwarts already, his mind recoiled from the idea that he was simply another experiment, another mad quest of Sirius's to touch, taste and smell everything in the world. "I'm not an adventure." He said suddenly, his thoughts spewing from his lips without thought.

Sirius cocked his head to the side, one thing that had always fascinated him about Moony was that he was always, without fail, calm and collected. He didn't understand the boy at all and Sirius found his curiosity burning with fierceness that he rarely felt. He knew what he wanted, he wanted to hold Remus, to kiss him, to lie awake and watch him sleep for no apparent reason. "I don't understand..." Sirius said finally.

Remus snapped, he was tired, he hadn't been sleeping properly due to similar reasons that Sirius had just described. He hated it. Wasn't it bad enough that he was a Werewolf? Wasn't he freakish enough without falling for his best friend? The delinquent aristocrat, the troublemaker and the ridiculously mad, confusing and best of all, the one who had no real idea about right and wrong...his mind froze. His eyes seemed glued to Sirius's eyes and he licked his lips, maybe...just maybe he was a little more curious than he would have let on. Maybe he actually could at least try this and, as long as they kept it a dead secret, maybe it could actually work? He stepped closer, his breathing unnaturally fast, his body feeling oddly like rubber stretched too far, another step and he nearly tripped. Sirius caught him and he found himself staring up into his face, he admired the way Sirius's hair fell into his eyes, the way his lips were slightly parted and the way he was holding him. He had never, in all his short life, been more aware of his body. He swallowed and straightened his clothes out before looking up again into that innocently curious face, an innocence Remus knew, on some deep subconscious level, was a lie. This boy was never innocent, he had never had the chance to be a child, he had no idea what it was like to be held by a mother when he was upset, he was left to deal with everything alone...and Remus felt his resolve waver and snap with an almost audible plink.

Before Sirius could fully comprehend the new and more fascinating look in his friend's eyes he was pushed against the wall, hands grasped his shirt, almost tearing it in their shaky attempt to pull him as close as possible. Remus's lips were soft, his hair smelt wonderfully like flowers, and as he tangled his fingers in it he groaned heavily, his tongue fighting Remus's for dominance.


	4. Chapter Four: Secrets

**A/N: Nice long, angsty chapter for you guys. :) I hope you are enjoying and would appreciate any reviews! Thanks. (Don't worry, I am setting the scene, smut will sure to be well on its way! Have no fear!)**

Chapter Four: Secrets

Remus already had far too many secrets. They weighed him down, like a great crushing whale he carried upon his back, they were painful, as painful, if not more, as the scars that scattered his thin frame. Those scars he couldn't even bear to look at for more than five seconds at a time, he hated secrets, and yet, he had them. And now, he had one more secret to hold close to his heart, but he found that actually, maybe, just maybe, this secret wasn't so bad. It was the heated looks across rooms, the brief snatches of minimal privacy that involved hot tongues, sharp nails, bruising fingers and harsh gasps in dimly lit rooms. It was the secret of being able to touch that amazingly silky black hair, to run it through his fingers, admiring the way it caught the light and seemed to suck it in. It was gazing into those brilliant, moon light eyes that he could have sworn had literally torn his soul right out of his body the moment he had first met them. He found himself by the common room fire, gazing into the flames as he recounted their last passionate encounter in the dark classroom, rather than actually working on the essay before him. They had yet to go further than kissing, if that was what one could call what they did, Remus rather thought it was more like trying to tear each other's faces off with their teeth. He ignored Sirius's ongoing whining about going 'all the way', he couldn't bring himself to do it...it would just make everything far too real and he wasn't sure he was ready to go there.

Sirius too, enjoyed multiple secrets, both the good and the bad kind, but he had yet to decide where Remus fit into in those categories so he had placed it in a new one, one especially designed for what they were; grey. Yes, he decided grey was a good way to describe what they were, not quite together, but definitely more than simply friends. When he cornered Remus, after class, during break, at night in the corridors, he found himself hardly able to restrain the fiery passion that seared him. He loved the way Remus would yank on his hair, pulling his mouth to his. He loved the way he could make Remus make those wonderfully erotic groans when he nipped playfully at his throat. He loved the way Remus would sometimes slam him onto an empty desk and kiss him as if he was dying and it was the only way to save him. But most of all he really, really loved the way Remus would look at him and simply...smile. His heart was in near constant danger of beating right of his chest and flop out onto the desk for the world to see, he spent his classes doodling absently on his parchment and thinking of the next time he could get Remus alone. He now had a small, secretive and knowing smile on his lips, whenever he chanced to see Remus leaning over a book, that small frown of concentration on his face that made him want to use his thumb to smooth it away. He smiled when James was going on and on about Lily, he smiled when Peter was trying to pester him about going to Hogsmeade with him to get a new batch of dung bombs. And one day he caught his reflection in a mirror and the smile disappeared. What was he doing? Why was he, _the_ Sirius Orion Black, walking around school with a stupid, shit eating grin on his face? Wasn't he supposed to be the dark and broody one with the angsty past? But, no matter how he tried he couldn't stop himself from smiling.

James had, of course, noticed the odd changes in his friends but he put it down to the horrendous, totally unfair and purely evil amounts of homework they had been given. He too, was acting odd, but he was simply frustrated with everything, from the teachers who set this evil homework to Lily Evans who yet again had given him a horrendous case of pustules all because he had dared declare his undying love to her from on top of the Gryffindor table at breakfast. He griped and moaned to Sirius who had the indecency to laugh manically at him when he saw the spots, he laughed so hard he toppled right off of his chair and fell to the floor, gaining even more attention from wary onlookers, because when a Marauder laughed it never boded well. But his friends seemed to be harbouring secrets, deep and meaningful secrets that James had decided to try and get to the bottom of, even if Sirius blasted his face right off with a curse. He would find out what had them smiling so often!

Peter kept mostly to himself as usual, he was quiet, even as he noticed Sirius staring dreamily off out a window as if he was hoping to see something amazing, or he could see something no one else could. Peter was pretty sure that was probably the case, as Sirius was well known for being...well, crazy as a Doxy on a Ferris wheel. Sirius confused him, he couldn't understand what went on inside his head, he would sometimes start a conversation half way through a sentence as if he had been conversing with himself inside his head and then continued the conversation out loud. James seemed to have the inexplicable, but very admirable, gift of simply picking up on whatever it was Sirius was saying and continue the conversation as if they had been having it all along. These moments were sometimes shared by Remus, whose real talent lay in knowing exactly when Sirius was going explode and try to head the boy off before he destroyed the common room, he could also do serious damage control when Sirius got too out of hand. Peter however, could only watch from the sidelines, he was happy to be able to be part of their group but he spent his time secretly wishing he could be more confident, more like them. He wasn't confident and tall like James, he wasn't elegantly cool like Sirius and he definitely lacked Remus's brains and his maturity. He had always felt like the fourth wheel, not through any fault of his friends, it was him, all him. Peter was the outcast, fated to stand alone and watch as his friends became great and powerful and he sank into the background. He just had to hope that at the end of it all, he would still be able to call them friends.

One evening Sirius sat, gazing into the flames, he was completely hypnotised by the way they flickered and danced and the heat blasting his face was little more than a distant feeling, like the soft tickle of that annoying something on his neck...He jumped, letting out a yell as he batted away whatever was tickling him and gazing around as he realised that he was still in the common room. James was grinning holding a quill in one hand and a letter in the other. He held out the letter. "Letter for Mr. Padfoot, delivered, oddly enough, by a rather regal looking owl who managed to look at me like I was shit." He said as Sirius took the letter gingerly. James watched his friend gaze at the black wax seal with distaste as if he was staring at something horrendous like a scabrous rat. "Not gunna open it?" James said, flopping down beside Sirius who held the envelope like it was going to bite him. His silver eyes were so dark they appeared black, even with the light of the fire.

"Yeah...In a bit." He said, his voice rough with some unidentifiable emotion.

"So...even your owls know a blood-traitor when they see one, huh?" James said casually, leaning back on his hands and gazing up at the ceiling. Sirius didn't reply, stuffing the letter angrily into his pocket where he knew it would burn until he opened it behind the safety of his bed curtains later that night. "This summer you can come round mine again, my mum's already said she'd rather have you for a son than me...she reckons you've got better table manners." He eyed his friend from the corner of his eyes while Sirius seemed to hunch in on himself doing the whole dark-and-brooding-teenager thing he was so adept at. With a sigh James climbed to his feet, before leaving he squeezed Sirius's shoulder, without speaking before making his way back up to the dormitory.

Remus climbed in through the portrait hole, yawning impossibly. After a moment he realised that the common room was not yet deserted, he saw Sirius scrunched up into a ball by the fire. He moved slowly closer, weaving his way through stuffy arm chairs and bits of stuff people had left there that afternoon. Finally he reached Sirius's side and sat down, Sirius had his head on his knees and he was positively glaring into the dying fire as if it had done him some great evil. He deliberately returned his gaze to the fire and they sat there in silence, Remus watched the flames die until only the odd spark appeared every now and again and the room temperature dropped. Then he felt a weight on his shoulder and carefully looked down to see Sirius leaning on him. "Not a word." He hissed softly. And Remus nodded, they continued to sit there, in silence, as the sky outside the windows lightened and they could hear the birds singing and see the bright, late winter sunshine slice through the dark room like a blade. After a while they heard movement and a soft voice from the dormitory stair case, Remus turned his head, realising that due to Sirius's lack of movement he had either died or fallen asleep, slumped inelegantly against Remus who was aching and so tired he was ready to collapse. He saw James watching with concerned eyes and Remus shook his head, smiling slightly, James returned it and, in nothing but his pyjama's sat down on Sirius's other side. It didn't take long before they were joined by Peter, who had woken to go to the toilet only to find his friends gone. Remus gently shifted Sirius's weight so he was lying in his lap before falling backwards with a huge yawn on James's outstretched legs, he closed his eyes and fell into darkness.

It was early when Lily stepped out of the girls dorm, she liked to make sure she got down to breakfast early so that she could sit and read the paper before the noise and crowds became too much. As she paused before the portrait hole, fussing with her bag, her eyes landed on what she took at first to be a large pile of clothes, her eyes widened as she realised it was the self proclaimed Marauders. They were lying in a pile of limbs, arms, legs and heads at odd, uncomfortable looking angles but every single one of them was smiling. She was stunned and, as the sunlight crept across their content childish faces, she realised how close they really were, how much more than the rough, annoying pranksters she had taken them for. She could see Sirius, arm curled protectively around Remus who lay in the centre of the group, head pillowed on James's long legs. Peter was curled up with his own arms tangled with James's who was, by all accounts, looking like a king sleeping on the most comfortable beds in existence. She shook her head, unable to understand it. She had no idea what made Remus, a mature, kind and quiet boy actually like hanging around with James and Sirius who were rough, sometimes downright violent and generally very chaotic. After a while, she shook her head slightly before deciding that breakfast seemed like a terribly good idea, knowing the boys would probably be highly embarrassed about being seen looking so vulnerable and innocent. She smiled quietly to herself as she pushed the portrait hole open and stepped out into the corridor, she felt a new strange admiration for the group as she walked, maybe she had been too harsh in her judgment of them.

Sirius's eyes flickered open slowly, he was so warm, so content he simply could not be arsed to move. His jaw cracked as he yawned and his fingers found the nearest handful of soft, so very, very soft hair. He smiled, taking deep slow breaths as he staved off the moment when they would have to move, when he would be forced to consider the contents of the most terrifying letter he had ever received from his parents. His smile slipped from his face and he snuggled deeper into the warmth, he knew that most people would look strangely on this quiet, sleepy heap of Marauders...but he had stopped caring in second year when they had started this odd ritual of automatic, animal like comfort. It was usually Remus they surrounded in their warmth, but today it was his turn and he wasn't about to complain. It was only in these moments, when he was half awake, that he felt so calm, so comforted that he treasured them probably far more than any of his friends would realise. Yes, it was a childish thing, it was an odd thing, but it was _their_ thing. Lying with his head in someone's lap, his legs tangled intimately with someone else's and his face buried in wonderfully scented hair, he could understand how wolves felt when they all lay in a heap surrounded by loving pack mates. He whined softly, shifting his leg slightly and hearing a soft groan from somewhere down by his feet.

"Mmm...Padfooooot...your hair is in my mouth..." James's voice shattered the wonderful silence and Sirius sighed, his breath tickling the back of Remus's neck and making him begin to stir.

"Then move away." Sirius muttered, still unwilling to open his eyes. He felt James shifting, and a head came to rest on his stomach. James gazed up at him, his eyes still blurry with sleep. He was squinting as his glasses had migrated across the room. "You look weird from this angle." Sirius said, flicking James on the forehead before closing his eyes again with a sigh.

James rubbed the spot Sirius had flicked him and muttered obscenities. Sirius chuckled, a deep sound that made Remus bat him on the head. "Stop vibrating...I was comfy." He mumbled, rolling over so he had his head resting on Sirius's arm. It was as if they had just woken up after a full moon and were lying in the dusty shack, but judging by the scratchy carpet beneath his aching body, and the lack of any vigorous pain he was sure they had fallen asleep in the common room. He smiled to himself, nuzzling absently at Sirius's hair and breathing on his neck.

"Guys? Why're we here?" Peter muttered, he sat up, the first of them to really be bothered to move. He rubbed his eyes with a yawn and James tried to kick him.

"Shut up, prat. Now we're all gunna have to get up..." James huffed.

Sirius groaned. "No...don't wanna...go get a house elf to bring us breakfast up here..."

Remus nudged him in the ribs. "Don't be lazy, Pads." He said softly, still reluctant to leave the comforting warmth of his friends.

"Me? Lazy...never." Sirius grunted in reply, his fingers automatically smoothing through the hair at the back of Remus's head, the werewolf felt that this gesture was so natural to Sirius that no one ever seemed to comment on it. He smiled, hiding it easily in Sirius's neck.

"Gay." James muttered, whacking Sirius on the side of the head and making him wave his arms around uselessly in a poor attempt to return the hit.

"'m not gay..." Sirius replied. "Try telling that to the hundred odd girls who've had my cock...mmmff..."

Remus had grabbed a nearby sock and stuffed it into Sirius's mouth, he was now sat up with his arms crossed looking annoyed. "Enough of your disgusting habits, Mr. Padfoot." He said in a tone all too reminiscent of his own mother. "We really should be getting up...what time is it?"

Peter looked at his watch, pushing hair back from his eyes in a poor attempt to imitate Sirius. "Just gone eight." He said.

James sat up, messing his hair up before climbing to his feet. "Right, well...I want some food...my stomach is in serious rebellion." He said and aimed a kick at Sirius who still lay curled on the floor, eyes on the sock that was now in his hand. "Coming?" he asked the others with a raised eyebrow.

"Moony? Whose sock is this?" Sirius asked, deliberately ignoring James who huffed and went up to the dorm.

"No idea, I found it on the floor." Remus replied with a smirk.

Sirius pulled a disgusted face, throwing the offending item away from him while wiping his tongue. "Yuck! Disgusting! That is truly vile."

Remus laughed and stood, turning to follow James. Sirius followed suite, hating to lose the friendly, happy warmth and, more than ever, dreading the day to come, but still as he watched Remus walk up the stairs he couldn't help but smile.

At breakfast Sirius couldn't eat much, his stomach tensed horribly when he thought about the coming afternoon. He knew his life was about to change for the worse, and he could do fuck all to stop it. Remus noticed how unusually quiet Sirius was being, he watched him warily out the corner of his eye as the day progressed, but, when lunch time rolled around Sirius had refused to go to lunch with them, instead staying behind in the common room.

The rest of the Marauders simply shrugged and now they sat eating in the Great Hall, Remus turned towards the staff table and frowned, several seats were empty including Dumbledore's and McGonagall's. His frown deepened when he felt James tense at his side, an odd choking noise escaping him. Remus looked up and saw James staring with an odd mixture of awe and fear, his eyes glued to the Entrance hall. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" James cursed, throwing down his fork and standing up. "What the hell is..." he didn't finish his sentence as he bounded up from the table, Remus and Peter shared a confused look and followed. They stood just off the door way as they saw two tall adults stood talking to Dumbledore in hushed voices. When Dumbledore stepped away, bowing slightly and allowing the people to stride past him, Remus saw a woman with alabaster skin, she was undoubtedly beautiful with thick, jet black hair and a regal...familiar face. He gasped, nearly choking on the air. He knew that face! He knew those elegantly careless gestures and he knew that long hair. The sound of hesitant feet on the marble staircase made them move their eyes to see Sirius standing there, even with the distance between them Remus could see how tense Sirius was, his jaw was tense, his eyes heavily lidded as he gazed down at his parents.

"Ah, Sirius, how good of you to come...now then, shall we take this to my office?" Dumbledore said politely.

"I wish to speak with my son." The woman said in a voice that was hard and commanding.

"Mother." Sirius reached the bottom of the steps, his eyes, for once, moving away from his parents and landing on the group of people standing at the door. They widened, and Remus could almost smell the fear.

"Sirius, what on earth do you look like?" The woman said, with as much warmth as the lake in winter. Sirius stiffened but allowed his mother to approach him. The movement was so swift, so unexpected that Remus jumped and let out a sharp cry. There was sharp, very loud report that echoed around the Entrance hall that lingered for an insultingly long time. Remus swallowed the lump in his throat as he watched Sirius put a hand to his face where his mothers had been seconds before, his eyes were dark and there was absolutely no emotion there. It was the scariest thing any of them had ever seen. Remus felt James tense at his side, he could feel the tension vibrating through him and before he could grab him and pull him back James had crossed the hall. Sirius intercepted him smoothly, pressing his palm against his chest.

"Leave it." Sirius's hissing whisper echoed through the hall. "Just...leave it alone."

James paused, his eyes on Walburga Black, the woman glared back, they knew each other. They both knew the family trees and Walburga's obvious sneer did nothing to stem the fury raging through James. After a very long, tense moment in which Dumbledore watched carefully, James straightened himself out, looking more adult than any of his friends had ever seen him. "Fine." He said coldly. "I'll go...see you back in the common room." He said and did an abrupt about face turn and strode confidently over to Remus and the others. He had to push Remus in the chest lightly to get his attention before they reluctantly walked away.

Sirius watched his friends leave feeling his face burning with utter humiliation. His fingers went to the scolding mark where his mother had slapped him and he clenched his teeth before turning back to his parents. "Now then boy, I want you to straighten out your robes, tuck in your shirt and for the love of all that is magical, do something with that mop you call hair! I will not have my own son disgracing our family name!"

Sirius forcefully tucked the front of his shirt in, leaving the back un-tucked all the while glaring at his parents as if he could set them on fire. His mother produced a hair tie and grabbed a handful of his hair roughly making him wince as she tied it back. She stepped back ignoring her son's heated glare and nodded. "That will have to do." She sighed before turning to Dumbledore. "I assume that you _do_ have dress codes in this school, Mr. Dumbledore?" She asked imperiously while Sirius yanked on his tie, loosening it behind her back.

"Why of course we do, Mrs. Black, however, it only extends as far as the uniform. How our students choose to wear it is up to them...we have always found that uniform, in relation to study, have absolutely no connection what so ever." He smiled in a way that clearly said that was the end of the subject.

"Very well, shall we retreat to your study? We have much to discuss." She grabbed her sons arm and dragged him after Dumbledore. Before they got far though they heard a shout and Walburga turned.

"Mother! Father!" Regulus was running towards them, grinning broadly. "I didn't expect you so soon! How are you?" His eyes met his brothers as Sirius yanked his arm free of his mother's death grip and began once again, loosening his tie and determinedly un-tucking his shirt.

"Oh, Regulus! You look marvellous dear, but we are so very busy, we will see you before we leave." She bent and planted a kiss on Regulus's cheek who smiled and nodded. Sirius felt an emptiness engulf him and he hung his head, gripping his right arm with his left hand tightly.

Once they were inside Dumbledore's magnificent office he offered them a seat and refreshments. The Black's refused the refreshments as they sat down opposite the desk, Dumbledore seated himself behind it calmly and pressed the ends of his fingers together. "Now then, I received your letter, Mrs. Black and I have to say that I am surprised at the request."

Walburga sighed. "Of course, it may sound like a strange thing to ask, but I am sure that my son has been sorted incorrectly. If we could simply resort him, there will be no more complaints."

Dumbledore looked grave. "I am afraid that it is impossible, the Hat has never been wrong before so I see no reason why it should have made a mistake in Sirius's case. I understand your concerns, but he has been doing exceptionally well and I would, in any case, be reluctant to sort him into another house this late."

"I see your point, but I am firm in my belief that he has somehow tricked the hat into putting him inside Gryffindor...if we could just put him back where he belongs I am sure we would no longer have any problems of pointless rebellion." Orion spoke in his deep, measured voice as his wife nodded.

Sirius looked up suddenly. "But I'm happy in Gryffindor." He said softly.

"What you want, boy, is of no concern to us." Orion hissed, glaring at his son dangerously.

Sirius bit down on his lower lip to prevent the angry retort from escaping, he hung his head. He had been about to tell them all he had chosen Gryffindor, but he really didn't like people knowing this fact. It was yet another secret he harboured even from his friends..._especially_ from his friends. He didn't want to be faced with the horror on James's face or the sympathy in Remus's eyes...he didn't want to feel like he had betrayed them.

So many lies. So many secrets, he felt a sudden constriction in his chest that had little to with his parent's reasonable voices that flitted on in a soft drone as Sirius lost himself in his own head. That was until he heard a sharp voice, calling his name. He blinked rapidly and looked into his mother's eyes.

"Sirius, were you even paying attention?" Walburga snapped furiously.

"Sorry..." Sirius mumbled, his fingers playing with his sleeve until his mother slapped his hand.

"How many times must I tell you? Don't mumble and do not fiddle! It is unsightly!"

Sirius shot her a glare and slumped low in his seat, gaining no little amount of satisfaction from the furious gazes of his parents. Bad posture usually got him a rough smack around the head at home, but they wouldn't dare do that in front of Dumbledore.

"Anyway, I do believe that a transfer would not benefit Sirius at all." Dumbledore was saying and Sirius felt ice enclose around his heart, he sat bolt upright and his eyes widened.

"What?" He exclaimed.

"We wish to transfer him, seeing as a re-sort is impossible. We think that he would benefit greatly from attending Durmstrang, he has relatives who would be willing to take him in." Orion said gruffly.

"No!" Sirius shouted suddenly, almost leaping from his chair as he spun on his parents, who glared at him. He knew he was in serious trouble, he could see that muscle twitching in his father's jaw but he found he didn't care if he was beaten to death. "I won't go! You'll have to tie me up and fucking _drag_ me! I am not leaving Hogwarts! Why do you have try and destroy my life at every possible moment? Do you enjoy it?" He was shouting, and swearing but again, he didn't care.

"Sirius, sit down!" His father growled in a low and dangerous voice that Sirius had come to associate with immediate pain.

"I will not!" he slashed his hand in the air, drawing unconsciously on his tutoring. His voice was cold and hard, his back perfectly straight and he looked even more like his mother than he ever cared to admit. "I am sick of the way you treat me! I am not some doll you can throw around and do whatever you wish! I am your fucking son!"

"Sirius." That low, controlled voice made him turn, his fury abating with the ease of fluff on the wind. Dumbledore smiled at him consolingly and indicated the chair where he sat down without further comment. "Now, as Sirius has made his view perfectly clear on this matter I do not believe there is anything left to discuss. We cannot authorise any transfer without permission from said student."

Walburga's mouth tightened in a line before she stood. "Very well, then we shall leave. Sirius, please come with us." She strode to the door while Orion grabbed Sirius by the arm and hauled him bodily from the room.

Sirius found himself pushed into an empty class room. He fell against a desk, the hard wood battering the backs of his legs as he stumbled and struggled to regain his balance. Before he could so much as open his mouth to speak a fist collided with his face and he was thrown backwards, over the desk and onto the floor. The fall rattled his bones, pain flaring in every available nerve. He groaned and struggled to sit up, but his father's fist came down and dragged him to his feet where he swayed violently. It did not even occur to him to use his wand, it didn't even cross his mind to defend himself as yet again he watched his father hit him in the stomach, forcing him to double over in agony. He clenched his jaw, holding in his cries of pain. He wobbled but managed to stop himself from falling over, when the pain had subsided enough he looked up through his fringe. "You're...not supposed...to do this...here..." he gasped, hardly aware he was speaking. This wasn't supposed to happen, not here...not in very centre of his safe haven, the only place on the godforsaken planet he truly felt safe and happy.

"You do not tell us what we should and should not do! We are your parents! Understand me?" Orion hissed, grabbing a handful of Sirius's hair and yanking his head back.

"You must be punished for disrespecting us!" Walburga said coldly from her place by the door. "This is your fault, young man, and I will not have you shrinking and crying! A Black does not cry! A Black accepts his punishment like a man!"

It was the same thing, over and over. Sirius closed his eyes, hiding from his aching limbs and tried to escape into himself. Hiding away the most delicate parts of his psyche so they wouldn't end up too damaged, although he wasn't entirely sure whether this ever worked or not as he usually came away worse for it. Orion's fist was like a led weight as it smashed into his body, forcing him to fall to the hard, cold stone floor with blood on his lips. He lay on his side gazing unblinking at his fingers which twitched slightly as he heard his parents leave him without another word.


	5. Chapter Five: Innocence

**A/N: To make for my lack of story updating yesterday I am releasing two chapters and one including SMUT! So, please enjoy, just a brief reminder for first time Kimmimaru readers: I don't do fluff...my idea of romance will probably be completely different to yours, so if you're expecting cutesy wootsy (Vomit worthy) fluff, then you have come to the wrong place. My slash is usually bordering the darker side of things, so again: Don't like, Don't read.**

Chapter Five: Innocence

Remus sat in the dormitory trying to read a book while perched on the window sill. He was trying to ignore James's restlessness. He was going from pacing a hole into the floor, to lying upside down on his bed while muttering furiously about stupid relations. Remus only vaguely knew about the Old Families, he knew that the Potter's were amongst them, although to what extent he was unsure, and of course, just like every other student and teacher within the castle, he was well aware of the Black's. They were notorious, even Muggle-borns were warned by older students to avoid them at all costs, unless it was Sirius. They were related to just about every other family in the Wizarding world, some more distantly than others, but it served to prove a point about the sheer power of the family. They were also a political powerhouse, surrounded by ancient magical laws that served to protect them against certain criminal cases. Remus always got nervous when he thought about it, because it meant that Sirius's parents could potentially murder him in his own home and his parents would get a slap on the wrist, at worst six months in Azkaban. Even though James too was covered by these ancient, seemingly unchangeable laws, his parents actually abided by Wizarding law, happily teaching their son that certain ways of thinking were wrong and that all the other proper things a parent is supposed to teach a child, not that they deserve to have god knows what done to them all because they disagreed with something. Remus sighed heavily, closing his book with a snap and slamming it on the window sill at his side, he felt vaguely guilty for doing it but he rarely got truly angry...but now he could feel the slow and steady boil that meant potential danger for people nearby.

James looked up, Moony _never_ slammed a book down, usually treating them with a reverence that bordered on the creepy. He gazed at his friend who sat with a blanket over his shoulders and his jaw set as he gazed across the grounds without really seeing it. James stood again, preparing to try and pace away some of his restlessness but before he could move the door opened and they looked up to see Sirius, leaning heavily against the side and clutching his ribs. He slid down it slowly, his knees shaking uncontrollably, before James could get there, Remus was on his feet first, almost running to his friend's side and catching him before he fell. Sirius's head smacked into the wall as he threw it back, his teeth clenched in agony, his hair was matted with blood from the side of his head, his whole body shook and scarlet stained the side of his face.

"Sirius?" Remus gasped, easing him to the floor as he was too heavy to hold up. "Merlin! Sirius, what happened? D-Do you need anything?"

Sirius opened his eyes, breathing heavily, each breath felt like his ribs were being crushed but he had to breathe because it hurt not to. He shook his head, unable to push words through his teeth. James was at his other side and together, he and Remus helped him onto his bed where he lay, gasping and wheezing in an awful, terrifying way that made Remus feel as if he was in pain himself. James sat on the bed, an arm wrapped around the post and a frown on his face that made Remus feel like the world was ending, because James got angry, but he never, ever got so furious he looked ready to _kill_ someone.

"Madam Pomfrey." Remus muttered, stepping away from the bed. Sirius seemed unable to move, and he inched away, backing towards the door, feeling sick at the sight of seeing Sirius looking..._vulnerable_. Sirius was _never_ vulnerable! Once out the door he ran, out the Portrait hole, ignoring the Fat Lady's shouts for him to realise curfew was in ten minutes, and he ran through the well known passages and shortcuts as if he was being chased. Finally he burst through the doors, making Poppy shriek as if she'd seen a Chimera, Remus ignored her and ran to her, tugging her desperately out the door.

"Mr...Mr. _Lupin_! Stop it! I have..."

"Madam Pomfrey...please, Sirius needs help!" He said, unwilling to explain until she saw.

Immediately she calmed, gently extracting herself from Remus's grip. "Yes, alright then..." She indicated that he lead the way and it took everything he had not to sprint back to the dorms.

Sirius cracked open an eye, he still felt dizzy but the agony he had been in had dulled to an insistent ache and he could deal with it. He turned his head, wincing as his body protested the movement and found himself face to face with James. They gazed at each other, James was sitting on the floor at his bedside with his head resting in his hand. His hazel eyes a dark chocolate brown in the dim light and his own fury. "Why?" He asked softly making Sirius wince.

"Doesn' matter..." He croaked, turning away.

"Why?" James asked again, his voice patient and insistent.

"Seriously...don't!" Sirius felt a flash of his own anger go through him like cold steel. "If you get involved you'll be killed...and that would be the kinder option! Just...just leave it! _Please_..."

"I am _involved_, whether you like it or not, Pads. Me just being your _friend_ makes me _involved_, let alone the fact that my own _mother_ is your mother's aunt! Seriously, did that bastard knock out all your brains when he did this to you?" James sounded barely in control of his anger, his brows were drawn into a tight little line above his burning eyes. "Fuck! Even being who I _am_ puts me in danger! Everyone is in danger these days!" he said suddenly, jumping to his feet and gazing down at his best friend. "Danger is not my problem here! What _is,_ is that your parents just beat the shit out of you in the _fucking school_!"

"It really doesn't matter..." Sirius whispered, his eyes shut tightly. He didn't want to move, it hurt too damned much. His safe haven had been invaded and that carefully constructed wall was collapsing and he didn't have the energy or the materials to build it back up again. "Nothing matters!" He choked out through his teeth.

"What's going on guys? I heard shouting..." Peter walked over and gasped when he saw Sirius lying there, and Sirius felt himself wanting to suddenly punch something, preferably the face of some Slytherin. "Was that...?" Peter stepped back, his eyes shooting to James who ran fingers through his hair and nodded. "Wow...why didn't Dumbledore do anything?"

"Because Purebloods are protected by Wizarding law, Pete." James sighed. "They can't be touched, the worst he could do is remove them from school grounds...but when he goes home..."

"I'm in a world of hurt." Sirius let out an odd sound, it sounded like he was trying to laugh and cry at the same time...except that Black's simply did _not_ cry. He choked on his voice, doubling over and groaning, earning a worried glance from James just as the door opened and Remus came scurrying in followed by Poppy. The nurse swept over to Sirius's bed and began removing his shirt, ignoring his weak protests.

Pomfrey gazed down at the awful patchwork of bruises across the boy's chest, she gently checked the cut to his head, noticing a chunk of flesh missing from where something must have caught it. "What happened?" She asked briskly.

"His..."

"Fight! It was...a...fight." Sirius interrupted, glaring at his friends.

"A fight, was it?" Poppy said, knowing a lie when she heard it. She had been working at Hogwarts for long enough to know when someone was lying. "Now is hardly the time for lying, Mr. Black. These wounds were inflicted by someone much larger than a student. And I see no defensive wounds..."

"Look, it's fine...I'll heal. The cause...doesn't matter." Sirius said, turning away angrily.

And so, without another word, Poppy healed the wounds and left. The four boys were silent, Sirius curled on his side staring into space as he remembered his father's face twisted in insane fury and his mother's blank expression as she had done nothing but _watch_ her son be floored by her husband. The burning, pitch black fury was pulsing through his body as he clutched desperately at his blankets, shoving his face in the pillows not sure if he wanted to suffocate himself or muffle the awful, embarrassing noises he was making as memories spewed forth from that deep well he had dug since he was old enough to control his own mind.

Remus moved, faster than was entirely necessary to sit at Sirius's side, he lay down beside him and simply stayed like that. James joined them without hesitation and Peter lay at the foot of the bed, looking nervous as James closed his eyes with a sigh. "This summer, move in with me." He said softly.

Sirius stopped shaking momentarily before they heard a soft chuckle, devoid of emotion. "They'd find me." He said in a small voice.

"You don't get a say in this, mate. I'll owl my parents tomorrow and they'll sort it all out. We've got enough room...and you can get out of that hell hole."

Finally Sirius looked up, his smile so wrong, so lopsided and dead that Remus shuddered. "There's no escape from this, James..." He whispered before letting his head fall back down. "But..." He said almost too quietly to hear. "Thanks...for...for offering."

James said nothing, no matter what, he would find a way out for Sirius, because his pain was their pain. They seemed to share emotions, when one was in pain everyone else would try and share that burden, no matter what it was. And James was determined, even if he had to kidnap him, that Sirius would _not_ be returning to the 'Moste Noble and Ancient House of Black'.

For days afterwards Sirius was as dark and brooding as he normally was, but there was also the entrancing, pulsing, electrical fury that radiated from him, drawing Remus like a magnet until he was sat curled up at his side, and Sirius's arm would slip casually around him and they would sit in silence. Remus was more than shocked when he realised how utterly right this all felt, he would read while Sirius absently played with his hair while talking softly to Peter or James, neither of the other two seemed to think it odd at the way the two 'canine's' were treating each other.

One day, Sirius received yet another letter but this one he took seconds to read, he stood slowly his eyes shining in an odd way that sent tingles of fear up Remus's spine as he watched him shred the letter furiously, swearing in one long hissing note before throwing the whole lot into the fire and spitting furiously. "Bitch! Complete fucking...creepy...mad...bitch!" he nearly screamed and without another word turned and left the startled occupants of the common room. Everyone flinched as they heard a smash before it all went quiet again. Remus stood slowly, his eyes meeting James's who nodded once. He followed his friend, it was an easy feat when all he had to do was follow the carnage. As he passed windows he could see flashes of lightening, hear the low rumbles of thunder and he could feel the intense rush of electricity as the storm raged outside the castle, making everything seem like those creepy black and white horror films his mother liked.

Sirius stood on the very edge of the rampart, his toes jutting over the edge. The rain soaked into him, driving a bone chilling cold into his skin, yet he relished it! He felt more alive than he had done in a long time, he gazed down at the grounds wandering, not for the first time, if his parents would actually grieve if he threw himself off...and the idea was simply too sickeningly tempting. He swallowed and, even over the sounds of the storm, heard a noise behind him...the closing of a door. He knew immediately who it was and he realised he didn't mind as long as it was only him who could see. He didn't turn around, he didn't need to. He simply stood there and enjoyed the presence of his silent companion. Lightening shot towards the earth, lighting everything in a momentary glow and Sirius took a deep breath, breathing in that wonderful scent of fresh rain and scorched air. The storm raged through him, searing his eyes, his blood and leaving him shaking slightly. The rain had soaked him, his shirt clinging and slick against his body but he didn't care...he wanted, no...he _needed_ to forget. That letter...the letter that had scared him impossibly, the letter that had twisted his heart until he thought it would burst. No, he decided, his parents would not mourn his death.

"They told her!" He shouted over the storm, ignoring the way his voice sounded, loud, crass and half mad. "Moony! They fucking told her!" He laughed, throwing his head back and letting the rain hide his tears. "She wants me dead...yes, yes! Kill the fucking little blood-traitor! The one who wants to destroy everything she stands for! Kill me! She wants to kill me, Moony! Should I let her?" He laughed again, an awful, cracked sound that was, thankfully, drowned out by the thunder.

Remus had no idea exactly what was going on, but he was afraid, he didn't like the way Sirius was swaying, the way he was standing just way too close the edge of the Astronomy tower. The sky was being tortured, reflecting Sirius's soul...that broken, shattered thing that resided within him. "Sirius...please, get down from there..." Remus said, moving forward.

Sirius turned, those silver eyes pinning him to the spot, they are bright almost too bright to look into. He was grinning, an awful, terrifying mask that pulled at his face twisting it and making him inhuman. "Well, if Bella gets her hands on me I'm a dead man walking anyway...why not just throw myself off...hey, I'll even give you my wand!" he threw it at Moony's feet and watched him go as white as a sheet. "There, now if I do fall...there'll be no saving myself." Again he laughed, Remus couldn't stand it, he felt as if he was turning into the werewolf, his heart was shredding its self to pieces only this time...it wouldn't grow back. "I'll spite the cow...I'll kill myself before she can have the pleasure of doing it herself! Not sure if it's gunna hurt but where would be the _fun_ in knowing?" He threw his arms out to the side and closed his eyes, tipping his head back so that his hair cascaded down his back and Remus was struck, as if by the very lightening that scorched the clouds, by how absolutely stunning Sirius looked. He was _gorgeous_. Sopping wet, deranged and just plain beautiful.

"Sirius." Remus said slowly, snapping his friend back from the brink, forcing those silver, dagger like eyes onto him. He held that contact, not moving in case he pushed him too far. "Please..." he lifted his hand out to him, slowly, meaning only to guide him down from the edge. Sirius gazed at the hand for a long while, ignoring the rain, the thunder and everything else until he sighed and closed his eyes, once again tipping his head back.

"My mum...she told my cousin, Bellatrix that I shouted at them, that I defied them about being transferred to Durmstrang. Bella, it seems, is now determined to kill me...she's been pretty close to completing that vow over the years...she likes knives, you know? Thinks it's much more personal to kill someone with a knife." Sirius's voice was empty of emotion, and Remus despised it. He wanted that happy, laughing boy he had befriended, the one whose eyes shone with joy and not this dark, terrible insanity! "My parents don't care, s'long as they've got Regulus...dear Regulus who is the pride and joy of the Black household..." He hissed the last, his hands clenching into fists at his sides and his eyes sprang open. "Blood...why are they so insistent that I believe that mine is better than everyone else's? I learnt at the age of ten that actually it's crimson...just like everyone else! I have to say I was pretty shocked." He smiled wonkily again. "My mum went into a rage, hit me with something and I can't remember anything after that." He laughed, a soft, dead chuckle that speared Remus's already painful heart.

"Sirius...please, come down...we'll...get you warm and we can talk..."

Sirius shook his head slowly. "Already said too much, Moons." He said and suddenly jumped down from the ramparts, making Remus sigh with relief. "Seeing as you seem so desperate not to see my brains splattered on the grounds, I won't do it." He paused, still watching Remus through wet hair. Then he stepped forward, two quick strides and he had rammed Remus against the wall. "I need to forget." He hissed, before kissing him fiercely. Remus shuddered. Like the storm, Sirius's kiss was violent, his fingers rough, his nails scraping down Remus's back as he pressed himself closer. It was all Remus could do to hold onto some sense of reality as he was swamped in fiery passions that swept his mind clear of all thought until he was nothing but sensation.

The sting of teeth, sharper than they had any real right to be, bruising fingers, the scrape of nails against painfully damp skin, the cooling rain, the shear violent heat of Sirius's body pressed flush against his own...everything, _everything_, was unbelievably surreal and so very, very right...

Sirius sank himself into his senses, he had no room for feelings, not with a struggling, moaning, gasping, desperate werewolf pressed firmly against him. He had never been with another man in any serious sexual sense, he had fumbled around before but never done anything too serious. But now, he threw caution to the winds, he no longer cared about 'propriety' and 'social conventions' he no longer cared even about how this would affect their friendship. All that mattered was the here and now. All that mattered was relieving the insufferable ache in his groin as it ground against Remus's quivering body. He wanted nothing more than to drown in pleasure, he wanted to listen to Remus cry out his name...

Remus couldn't call what they were doing romantic, in any sense of the word. As pleasure exploded violently in the pit of his stomach when he felt Sirius's fingers slide into his trousers, he gasped, throwing his head back into the wall. The storm devoured his cries, it sapped him of his sanity and his reasonableness and he was exhilarated, his own hand clasped tightly around Sirius's wrist as it moved up and down, making his hips jerk uncontrollably. Remus didn't normally like to lose control, normally he liked to be in control of any situation, because otherwise he would feel like he was drowning, like he did when the wolf took over his mind and he was screaming, tearing his own body to shreds...and yet, now, with Sirius's eyes blazing as they gazed into his own, with Sirius's fingers closed tightly around his erection, with hormones and whatever else flooding his brain like water, he found himself enjoying it in a sick, perverse kind of way. He flung one arm around Sirius's shoulders, drawing himself closer, while his other hand scrabbled to find Sirius's fly and unzip it, which was extremely difficult under such circumstances. Finally though, he found what he was looking for and pressed his lips to the dark haired boy before him, teeth crashing against each other, lips moving as Sirius gasped and whispered incoherent obscenities into the storm. He grabbed handfuls of that wet, lovely hair and pulled, hard. Sirius gasped, nearly falling to the floor, having to release Remus to prevent total collapse.

They didn't bother trying to think, they let their teenage hormones drive them. Sirius pushed Remus around roughly, fingers shoving his trousers further down his legs as he pressed himself against the werewolf. He hissed air through his teeth when his skin came in contact with Remus's, all potential thought was driven away, and he entwined his fingers into Remus's, whispering nonsense into his hair as he pushed...

Remus almost screamed, to stop himself, he bit down hard on Sirius's hand, tasting blood and not caring. It was painful, more painful than he would have imagined...his body tensed and he whimpered softly until hot breath caressed his ear as Sirius paused, breathing heavily against his back. Then, the pain gradually subsided and he let out a soft sigh, Sirius took that as a sign to move and the pain erupted again, that burning, agonising but somehow satisfying pain. Eventually, after allowing Sirius to pick a pace, he found soft explosions of pleasure exploding like fireworks inside him and he found his body moving with his partners.

Sirius lost what little sense of control he had managed to regain, he let his body take over, his hands wanted to touch everything, he was surrounded by heat and tightness and it blew his mind. He buried his face in Remus's neck, nipping, biting and growling softly. He was reduced to little more than noises, animalistic as they were eaten by the storm. The thunder vibrated through both their forms and Sirius released Remus, pushing him to the floor and lifting his hips, he wanted to watch his face, he wanted to see his eyes turn amber and listen to his name being hissed through clenched teeth but most of all he wanted to watch Moony lose control.

Remus arched his back, his nails gouging at Sirius's chest, drawing lines of red across his much too perfect skin. He stared up at the sky, lips parted and dug his fingers into Sirius's shoulders as he deepened his thrusts, Sirius took full advantage of his exposed throat, biting at the skin, leaving trailing bruises as he whispered against flushed skin. And then, like a sudden, violent explosion, Remus felt that almost painfully tight coil in his gut twist viciously and his scream was drowned out by the clap of thunder. Sirius's fingers tensed on Remus's erection, he watched in fascination as his friend unravelled, before losing control himself and slipping into bright white light...

They lay at each other's side as the storm blew itself out and the air cleared slowly. Sirius's breathing had evened out as he lay there, shirt almost in tatters and his trousers undone but pulled up. Remus was in little better condition as they both gazed at the sky, unwilling to break the silence and even less willing to speak about what had just happened. Sirius could feel fingers around his own, it was a comforting thing, but he couldn't bring himself to look at Remus, he didn't want to see the look of incomprehension, the disappointment or the million other emotions that could potentially be on his face. But he knew he would have to do it eventually, and, like ripping off a plaster he turned his head slightly and saw Remus's face, he was smiling slightly, an odd expression still filled with confusion but also, and Sirius dared not to get his hopes up, satisfaction...

"Pads?" Remus began slowly, almost nervously.

"Hmm?" Sirius replied, his voice rough.

"We should...do you think we should...go? I mean...almost dawn...and...and stuff..."

Sirius chuckled lightly, rolling onto his side and smiling, brushing hair from Remus's eyes. "Alright." He croaked. "But first we should tidy up, can't see James being all too impressed if we turn up looking like...well..."

Remus raised his eyebrow in wry amusement. "Like we've just tried to kill each other?"

Sirius looked slightly guilty. "Yeah...sorry..."


	6. Chapter Six: Feelings

_**A/N: Thanks to the reviews and faves/alerts I have so far! Keep enjoying and please review! Thanks.**_

Chapter Six: Feelings

He thought it would be awkward. It was not.

He thought it would be hard...it wasn't.

He assumed walking down the corridor, fingers brushing just lightly, would be awful and wrong but...it wasn't.

Remus knew it was wrong, he knew it was a sin, an awfully evil, dark sin and the act had opened up all kinds of terrible possibilities...but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that it was just too goddamned _right_! When his eyes met that sharp, painful silver, he knew it was wrong to let his heart beat speed up. When his knee touched Sirius's beneath a table he told himself that it should not feel so good. When it was dark, when he felt the tell tale dip of his bed in the in-between hours of morning and night time, he hated himself for leaning back into that warm delicious embrace and letting himself go.

Sirius had no idea what he was supposed to be feeling, all he knew was that it felt good, and the good feeling intensified almost painfully when his fingers touched Remus's. All he knew was that when he held him at night, when he heard his name whispered between sweaty sheets and writhing, naked forms, it felt so damned good he was not going to let it go. It occurred to him briefly that perhaps he was bad for Remus, that perhaps this sharp, painful feeling in his soul was some warning, but he did not heed its insistent nagging. Because, in those moments, as the half moon was setting behind the trees of the forbidden forest and the stars were winking their goodbyes, he knew that the warmth he had in his arms was just so wonderfully perfect that he would never want anything else.

The year seemed to drag its self reluctantly into spring, the winter dying with a spectacularly cold frost. Remus hunched over, holding his cloak firmly around himself as he crunched over the glittering ground, the moon above him gloated, fat and terrible as he hurried across the lawn, already feeling it yank and drag at his crawling skin, making him sick and dizzy and plain afraid. But, he still had a little less than twenty four hours before the evil moon would rip his flesh open, devour his human soul and spit out something hideous, a mockery of the boy who had once inhabited the changed, deformed body. He was near the green houses and he came to a halt, turning to gaze back up at the castle, he saw the lights on in Gryffindor tower and smiled slightly before walking towards Greenhouse number three. With his fingers on the handle he froze as if he had been turned to frost. He heard a girlish giggle and a squeal, and then a voice he knew well, too well...his eyes widened.

"Shh! Don't be so loud...people will be suspicious...!" The girl whispered.

"Nah, no one'll want to come out this late...now...what about there?" Sirius's voice was low, roughened by what _could_ have been desire and Remus felt his insides go cold, turn to ash and crumble into nothing.

He released the handle for a moment before remembering why he was there, to get some potions ingredients for Professor Slughorn, after being caught while trying to sneak back to the common room after patrolling. Sometimes the teachers took full advantage of him, he was obviously too nice for his own good, because he had been looking forward to getting back and sitting in Sirius's lap to enjoy that soft massage he had been promised...

"Ah...that's good..." Sirius groaned heavily. The girl sighed and there would have been silence, except that Remus's ears were highly tuned due to the coming full moon and he could hear, and even smell them both! Soft grunts, something being moved across the floor...His fingers grasped the handle again, he couldn't feel the cold anymore. He felt an insurmountable fury tear through him like the crack of a whip and the scents that the wind was brining to him made him want to die. Finally he pushes the door open, it slams loudly against the wall and he stands there, panting heavily, his eyes narrowed and he sees them standing there, gazing at him with huge eyes and he realises in a flash that Sirius _isn't_ embracing the girl, he realises he is covered in dirt, a smudge of it on the side of his face...and he is holding a heavy plant pot. Sirius grins, flashing white teeth at him. "Hey Remmy, What's up?" He stops, face falling slightly as he sees, and senses that Remus isn't...entirely Remus. He turns to the girl, who is a Hufflepuff Second year, and smiles. "Hey, can you take this round back where Professor Sprout wanted it, sorry, I uh..." He shrugged helplessly and the girl smiles shyly, eyeing him with all too much desire in her eyes. Once she is out of sight Sirius moves, shutting the door behind them and pushes Moony onto the floor, sitting beside him. "What happened?" He asked softly, his fingers finding Remus's.

"I...I'm not entirely sure." Remus replied, his voice sounding gruff, and unlike himself as he felt the wolf relaxing.

Sirius smiled, and Remus, without thinking, leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sirius's. They stayed still for a long time, backs pressed firmly against the door. Then Sirius smiled, and with a small sigh pushed grubby fingers into Remus's soft hair and deepened their kiss. Their tongues tangled together and both of them became lost in their own world.

Finally Sirius pulls away as the door at their backs begins moving and a small, nervous voice is muttering, asking to be let back in. He stood, dragging Remus with him and opens the door, the terrified looking girl smiled and thanked him nervously before her eyes went to their hands and she turned tail and ran. Sirius laughed and turned to Remus, eyes glowing and like a sudden explosion Remus has him pinned to the wall of the green house, his hands stuffed unceremoniously down Sirius's trousers as he found his hard shaft. Sirius felt his knees go weak and he grabbed a nearby table to prevent himself from collapsing. "Oh...shit..." He gasped, his head hitting the wall with a rather loud clunk. He closed his eyes, enjoying Remus's fingers as they moved, gripping tightly as Remus breathed on his neck, short sharp gasps that made Sirius's mind turn liquid. "R-Remus...Oh...Gods..." He turned those wonderful eyes to his friends, and grasped his hair and pulled him closer, their mingled breaths steamed in the night air. Sirius grabs Remus's bulge and rubs it gently as his own hips thrust into Remus's hand. Their movements became frantic, desperate. Fingers digging, burning, hands grasping, their breathing catching in each other's throats as Sirius throws his head back and bites down hard on his lip, drawing blood. Remus feels him twitch and hot liquid covers his fingers and Sirius slowly relaxes, gasping heavily as he pushes Remus into a table and practically tears down his trousers, dropping to his knees.

"S-Sirius..." Remus gasped, gazing down into those glittering eyes. Sirius grinned and yanked down Remus's boxers. "Siri-nnnng..." Remus tipped his head back, his fingers finding soft hair as he was engulfed in wet heat. Sirius was way too good at it, his tongue did things Remus felt should be made illegal. And suddenly, he no longer cared. Before he knew what was happening he was bent double, gasping and gripping Sirius's hair as if he would tear it out as he came hard. Sirius drew away, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, Remus's knees gave way and he crumpled. "What..." he began slowly as Sirius began kissing his throat. "What...er...was that...?" He gasped.

Sirius paused and cocked his head to the side like a puppy. "_That _was a blow job, my good Moons." He grinned.

"That was..." Remus swallowed, his hand slipping round the back of Sirius's neck and drawing him close. "Amazing..." He growled, and kissed his friend slowly and deeply. "Mmm...Love you..." He breathed against Sirius's parted lips. He wasn't intending to speak, let alone say something so...so...weird...but now it was out he knew it was true, like he knew that the sky was blue and a human needed oxygen to survive. But he felt Sirius go completely still, as if he had turned to ice.

"What...?" He said slowly and Remus opened his eyes flushing bright red, Sirius's eyes were blank, he couldn't see any emotion behind them and he felt afraid suddenly. "Since when have you believed in fairy tales Remus?" Sirius said softly, not unkindly...but he was cold and distant even as he pressed his lips to Remus's forehead. "We shouldn't have started this...I'm sorry..." he drew away leaving Remus feeling cold and...used.

"Wait!" Remus sat up, watching Sirius straighten out his trousers without turning around.

"There's nothing to wait for, Moony. Love is a lie. A cruel, evil deceitful lie used to fool people into thinking that there is more to their feelings than normal. It's confusing and it simply ends up in one or the other getting hurt..." He yanked his belt tighter, an almost angry gesture, before turning and looking down at Remus with sharp, painful eyes. "If you say those words..." He stopped and sighed. "They're just words! There is no such thing..."

"So...So...all this time...it's just been..." Remus winced, trying to stop himself from giving in to the rage of the wolf that was howling beneath his skin. "...Lies?"

"I never said it. I never promised anything..." Sirius said, softly, carefully...he felt a tightness in his chest as he watched Remus digest his words. "I'm...sorry..." He whispered, the words turning to steam in the air seeming to form a solid wall between them. He knew he should leave, he should turn and walk away but he...he hated the look in Remus's eyes, he hated the thought that he had hurt his friend. So, he sat down, legs crossed as he shivered slightly and watched Remus come to terms with everything.

"But...my mother loves my father..." Remus muttered, almost desperately, and he hated himself for speaking...but he hated more that Sirius seemed unable to believe in Love. He hated it more that Sirius had been brought up without this one, all consuming emotion! He lifted himself up onto his knees, moving closer to Sirius and pushed him onto his back. Sirius cocked his head to the side and blinked curiously up at him. "Love does exist, Sirius. And it's not supposed to be painful...or hard..." He leaned down and kissed Sirius deeply. Except it _was_ almost painful, their lips moving, their tongues twining around each other and Sirius's gentle gasps of pleasure. Remus's fingers curled into fists as he held his weight up. Suddenly he pulled away watching Sirius's eyes go cloudy.

"Stop...Love is a lie...Remus...it's all lies! Please...let me have that! Don't tell me exists because if it did...if it did it would mean..." He couldn't tell Remus what it would mean for him if Love did exist, but he knew that it would mean his parents had never loved him. His parents didn't even love each other...if love existed it would really mean that if they did love, they loved Regulus more than him and he was almost positive that the definite knowledge of this would destroy him. It was easier, oh so much easier, to simply ignore it.

Remus seemed to understand all this and the pain cleared from his eyes and he leaned down, pressing his lips to Sirius's temple. "Ok, then...I care about you."

Sirius smiled. "That's fine...I guess I kinda like you to..." He giggled as Remus hit him on the head.

The next evening Remus walked through the grounds once again, this time accompanied by Madam Pomfrey, the sky was darkening, and he could already feel the awful tug on his heart. He seemed unable to look at the sky, because he knew, he simply knew that he would be expecting to see that horrible glowing orb hanging above him and hurting him and making his skin feel like it's trying to eat him. He watched in silence as Pomfrey stopped the whomping willow and he crawled through the entrance to the Shack. Once he was there he was confronted by four years worth of angry scars, gouges in the furniture, shattered wood, splinters...anger. Anger and fury. Uncontrollable, raw intense emotion that he had no idea what to do with...And so, with a sigh he was left alone.

Sirius watched the sky, the butt end of a cigarette burning between his fingers, his hand dug deep into jeans pocket. James stood at his shoulder, leaning on him as they watched the moon rise. As if on cue they heard a scream and turned to look at each other, and, without a sound they disappeared, a silvery cloak made them vanish from existence. They crouched low, Sirius muttering dire threats to Wormtail if he dared to stand on his foot again. Then, they reached the vicious swaying tree, its long, bendy limbs looking almost innocent in the light. "Off you go, Wormy..." Sirius hissed, pushing the smaller boy out from under the cloak so he squeaked as he was temporarily exposed, with eyes darting around rapidly he transformed and where once had been a boy was a rather tatty looking rat. The rat moved, pushing the knot that would still the tree and Suddenly a black dog was bounding forwards, barking and it grabbed the rat in its jaws, tail wagging madly as it crawled into the hole, following a scent that was strong and warm and made him think of safety. Once he emerged into the dusty little room, he dropped the squealing rat on the floor and stood, wagging his tail at the massive, hulking wolf across from him. Without thought Padfoot moved forward, his legs stiff and his ears up, pointing forward. The Wolf eyed him from amber irises as Sirius ducked down slightly, almost hopping on the spot, he snuffled the Wolf's mouth, licking at him, trying to get him it to accept him...Padfoot whinged, and whined, and the wolf went still. Padfoot backed off, head down, ears flat against his head. The rat scurried away, through the Passageway and scampered out to see James looking fidgety. Peter transformed quickly. "James! I don't think it's going well..." He gasped. "Sirius isn't getting through..." He leaned over, trying to draw breath.

"Fuck." James muttered, he hated transforming inside the shack, leaving usually meant his antlers would get stuck in the passageway and it was cramped and awful when he was in deer shape, but, this time he couldn't wait outside for Padfoot to bring out the wolf.

The huge stag crouched and began awkwardly wiggling its way into the passage, Peter watched nervously, his fingers clutching the cloak.

Sirius had been backed into a corner, he hit the wall with a sharp yelp, he hadn't realised he had been that close. The wolf was growling furiously and no matter what Padfoot did, from lying on the ground, exposing his belly to the stiff playful greeting he usually went for...the Wolf was not in the mood. So he lay on the floor, head low, ears back and whined softly, just hoping the wolf would decided to forgive whatever unknown mistake he had made.

Suddenly he felt a paw hit his head, he was pinned down and a large, hot tongue was on his ears. The wolf seemed quite content to pin him down and lick him so he huffed gratefully, his tail thumping on the ground. James emerged from the hole, looking for all the world like he had been the victim of some kind of mud slide. Roots and debris hung in his antlers and he saw the scene before him, Padfoot trapped beneath the large, seemingly overly friendly wolf which was licking his ears, face and anything else he could easily reach.

And so, they could finally leave the shack. They all followed the wolf outside, Padfoot, as soon as he reached fresh air, began leaping around, growling and barking. He pounced on the wolf, chewing his ear playfully until he was batted away, he bounced back again and again until the Wolf got sniffy and decided enough was enough.

They ran through the forbidden forest, filling it with noise, waking up the day time creatures who smelt the wolf coming and snuck away to avoid it. Padfoot's barks filled the night as he let himself get bashed roughly around by the wolf, they reared up on their hind legs, mouths open and trying to bite each other. They growled, barked, howled and yipped in unison. Eventually the moon began to set and the wolf grew tired, they made it back to the shack without any issues and Sirius curled up at the wolf's side, tucked his nose into his tail and went to sleep.

James woke to find that somehow Peter's feet had crept across his chest. Sirius opened his eyes a crack, allowing dawn to leech his vision of colour momentarily before he yawned and rolled over. Moony lay still, his hand lying by his face and a small smile on his lips. Sirius pushed his face into Remus's hair, whining softly and making the wolf mutter something and try and push him away. "Moony..." he whispered softly against his neck, fingers tangled in his hair. He slowly ran his tongue down Remus's neck. "_Moooooony_..." he murmured again and only got a long, drawn out moan for all his trouble.

James heard Sirius's soft, cooing voice as he roughly shoved Peter's feet from him, feeling annoyed at being woken up by smelly feet rather than the Lily Evans of his dream. He sat up and saw Sirius, leaning over Remus, his long black hair hiding both their faces, one hand planted firmly on the floor. James stares, his eyes narrowing slightly, was he imagining the slight tension in Sirius's shoulders, the way his fingers curled on the dusty floor as if he was..._kissing_ Remus? "Pads?" he said carefully.

Sirius's head jerked up like an animal trapped in headlights, his pupils dilated before he grinned. "Mornin' Prongsy." He said calmly and if he hadn't given James any sign, no matter how brief, of fear James would have believed he had imagined it all. He had wondered why Sirius had developed a habit of sneaking into Remus's bed at night, James had been the one he would climb in with if he had woken from a nightmare, but Remus had taken his place. Did they think he wouldn't notice? Sirius shook Remus, his hand lingering over long on his arm before sliding off.

"Go'way..." Remus mumbled, batting Sirius's hand away as he rolled over revealing long bloody scratches across his chest.

"Shit..." Sirius sighs. It was not as bad as it usually was, just three, reasonably shallow scratches but every time they saw him wounded they all felt guilty.

Remus's eyes flickered open and he stretched. "Mmm...what's the damage?" he asked calmly his eyes sliding down to his arms. Sirius's fingers were suddenly on his chest, running down the scratches slowly, making Remus cringe as he gazed up into Sirius's silver, much too bright eyes. He seemed to be made of pure, raw energy and for some reason that energy drove Remus just as crazy. He grabbed Sirius's hand tightly and smiled. "Not as bad as normal then." He sat up slowly and saw James watching them through his hair, he looked confused, suspicious and curious all at once. "James? Are you..."

"You two sleeping together?" James asked suddenly making Remus flush with humiliation. He suddenly wished he had clothes on and not the blanket Sirius had thrown over him at some point. Sirius lounged casually against the wall, somehow he was smoking a cigarette. Remus never asked where he got these, he seemed to have sources all over the castle, people who could get him the most expensive alcohol, the weirdest Muggle drugs and anything else he asked for. The acrid smoke stung his overly sensitive nose and he wrinkled it slightly. James however, only seemed to have eyes for Sirius, they were staring at each other, seeming to hold some mental communication.

"You can't just go accusing someone of shit like that, Prongs." Sirius said suddenly, throwing his cigarettes at James who snatched the packet out of the air.

"But...it's true." James reasoned lighting up his own from a book of matches from his pocket. "I've been watching you two for a while and...you're close...too close to just be friends. I'm not an idiot...I know something happened that night there was that storm..."

Sirius turned his eyes to Remus who was curled up, looking at his knees through the blanket, looking for all the world like he wanted to fade out of existence. He made a decision. He crawled forward slowly, until he was inches from James's face who tried to scramble back with wide eyes. "What...mmmm..." Sirius cut off any protests by pressing his lips firmly to James's. James went limp in shock, his eyes glazed and wide with terror.

When Sirius drew away he smiled lazily. "Now, do you feel less left out?" He said with a chuckle.

"What...the...hell!" James began wiping his mouth, spitting and faked retching. "Oh dear god...Evans will _never_ kiss me now...that was horrible!"

"You looked jealous." Sirius said with his best impression of perfect innocence and it would have been believable had that smirk not reappeared. He laughed, that warm, sharp bark that always made Remus smile. "Well, now you know what it's like to kiss Sirius Black, think yourself grateful, you filthy Blood-traitor...I don't taint my lips for just anyone." His grin widened and James laughed, the earlier tension diffused while the two smoked, Remus laughed and Peter snored rather loudly.

Sirius and James sat in a corner, their heads very close together as they spoke in rapid whispers. Remus raised an eyebrow as he entered the common room and Sirius glanced up before waving him over with a gesture that was simply too like a master summoning his servant. With a small huff he moved and sat down forming a circle with James and Sirius's knees.

"Look, if we don't have the spell perfected it'll go horribly wrong, trust me. We need to practice..." Sirius was saying softly.

James rolled his eyes. "But then, if we don't do it soon we'll have missed our timing! Timing is important too..."

Sirius frowned, chewing on his lip. "Well...yeah..." He conceded. "I just don't want a bad prank on my name...we're supposed to be the Marauders...people expect a certain kind of standard from us."

"People expect you to have grown up by now." Remus said with a sigh. "You can't do anything, we have exams coming up and people have to revise! If you mess up the seventh years exams they'll kill you!"

"You know, you could be a lot more help if you got that rod out your arse, Moony." Sirius said casually.

"I have spent enough time in detention, thank you very much."

"No problem." James said, dragging a book from god knows where and opening it at a marked page. He frowned and pointed at something. "Here...This is the spell. To be honest I don't think it looks too complicated..."

Remus, despite himself, leaned forward, reading the book upside down. "Is that...?"

"Yeah." Both Sirius and James said in unison. Remus didn't like it when they did that, it was bordering on creepy...but not as creepy as watching them finishing each other's sentences and grinning those virtually identical grins. It was like they were supposed to be twins but something went wrong along the way and they ended up in two completely different environments.

"You two creep me out sometimes..." He muttered finally, but they were ignoring him in favour of learning this new and way too dangerous spell. So, Remus got up and made his way quietly to the Dorms.

Dinner was a strange affair, Sirius and James were sat together trying to prevent giggles escaping as the teachers passed back and forth, which was unusual in itself. Then, McGonagall stood up, her hawk-like eyes sweeping the hall and landing on Sirius and James who put on their most innocent expressions and sat quietly while she spoke.

"Whoever has decided to glue the Slytherin's common room door shut, put up large posters of certain students in various states of undress, and made everything in the dungeons glitter and sing whenever someone walks past, please report to my office."

People began talking, and Remus craned his neck and saw that there were two first year Slytherin's at their table, looking very scared and alone. Sirius couldn't hold it in, he burst into hysterics, leaning backwards and laughing. James was soon to follow and then the whole of Gryffindor, once realising who had done it was applauding and laughing with them. A shadow loomed over them and they looked around, smiling up at McGonnagall. "Professor, can we help you with anything?" Sirius asked, as smooth and charming as ever.

"You can come to my office, now." She said darkly and strode off.

Sirius chuckled and pushed hair from his eyes. "Ah, she just can't get enough of us, can she, Prongs?"

"Nope, we are just irresistible even to hundred year old hawks." James grinned and they high fived before standing. "Well, let's see what kinky punishment dear old McGonagall has in store for us delinquents."

Sirius stood, throwing his arm around James's shoulder and they walked off together. Remus watched them go, and he again remembered the kiss Sirius had planted on James...he shivered and frowned. Surely he wasn't...it was impossible...no. Absolutely insane to actually be jealous of James...was it? He sighed and felt his head slam into the table making Peter spill his juice. "I'm being driven insane." He whispered to the wood.

"Why?" Peter asked.

"Because I thought it would be easy..." He spoke with more of a groan. "Because I didn't _think_! I just let it happen! I let...oh god..." He banged his head again, making glasses tinkle. Sirius seemed to have such a hold on him now that he was no longer the sensible, mature one of the group...although it was very difficult to be sensible and mature when Sirius's hands were down his pants and touching in that special way he did...and his mouth is crushed against his own and all thought is useless, random and disconnected because all that matters is that Sirius's hands never fucking stop doing that...

"Sirius...we'll be caught..." Remus gasped, trying to reassert himself into reality.

"No, we won't...stop being a prude and just let me...ahh..." Sirius groaned, his hands clutching at Remus's shirt, trying to pull it out of his trousers. "Come on...just once...it can't hurt..."

Remus groaned, tipping his back as Sirius spent some time kissing his throat and running his clever tongue up his neck. "Sirius...S-Stop I-ahhh...god..." His hips jerked uncontrollably into the hot palm that held him. They were in a class room, a place for learning and studying...not somewhere they should be doing this...but Sirius's breath was on his neck, his hands so deliciously tight that he was once again feeling that mad, frantic insanity clouding his mind and destroying rational thought.

"There...you like it..." Sirius whispered into his hair. He felt Remus shaking as he slid his hand over his erection, he felt Remus's hands on his own shirt clinging on for dear life. His own erection rubbed almost painfully against his jeans and he couldn't help the soft moans escaping him. This was better than any girl, Remus's body was firm, the muscles moving beneath his skin and his bones all pointy and hard...Sirius couldn't get enough of it. The wonderful, intoxicating scent of the boy he had pinned against the wall was unforgettable, like chocolate and old musty books and a scent that was just Remus. He loved making Remus lose control, that dark, hungry look that entered his eyes almost always threatened to push him over the edge even before they got down to the real business. It was messy, passionate and bordering on outright violence. Sirius felt comfortable knowing it would take a lot to really hurt Remus where as girls were delicate and tended not to enjoy his preferred brand of love making. Everything was just so easy...


	7. Chapter Seven: Escape

_**A/N: Wow...I love u guys! You guys are amazing! :D Your reviews have made me extremely warm and fuzzy inside, thank you! Your opinions matter to me, and I'm so grateful that you like it! So, enjoy the next chapter!**_

Chapter Seven: Escape

That summer Remus received a frantic, near hysterical owl from James. He had been in his bedroom, about to try and sleep but the owl had pecked at his window until he had to let it in.

_Moony, get to mine as soon as possible...Sirius is hurt...it's really bad..._

And Remus had climbed out of bed, thrown some clothes on so hastily he didn't even realise his jumper was inside out and back to front. He had begged his parents to open the floo network so he could go straight to James's.

And when he had arrived it was to see James sitting on the floor of his living room with Sirius's head in his lap. His hazel eyes wide with fear and anger. Remus ran across the room from the fireplace and fell to his knees, he gasped softly as he gazed down into Sirius's face. He was a mess, his long hair splayed across James's legs, his eyes closed and his breathing heavy. Blood had been smeared across one side of his face and his arm lay at his side twisted at an awful angle. "My parents are out..." James gasped softly, his fingers running absently through Sirius's hair. "I-I don't know what to do."

Remus got out his wand from his pocket and James watched him warily. "Do you think this counts as a life or death situation?" He asked with a twisted smile, James nodded and removed his own wand awkwardly. Together they began attempting to heal the damage done to Sirius, it was horrific. Broken bones, spell wounds, and dark forbidding bruises. Eventually they did as much as they could and gazed at each other nervously.

The night wore on and Remus made James tea while he sat and watched over his friend. When he handed him the cup James accepted it gratefully and they fell into silence.

"What...what happened?" Remus asked carefully.

James shook his head. "No idea. I was about to get into bed and someone starts hammering on the door...of course, I jump to conclusions of Death Eaters and the like but when I open the door, Sirius has collapsed outside..."

Remus simply nodded. There was little else to do except wait as the sky lightened outside and Sirius breathed, moaning in his sleep as if he was having an awful nightmare. Slowly, as dawn encroached on the three huddled figures, two of them too scared to speak and break the tense silence and the third in the grips of some kind of horrific, self induced mental torture.

Slowly Sirius opens his eyes, he found himself staring up at an oddly familiar ceiling, he frowned, not yet entirely sure where he was, or why was there. After a few moments of silent contemplation he tried to sit up but agony rocketed through his body bringing with it all those awful, terrifying memories and he let out a strangled yell. Remus woke with a jolt, unaware he had fallen asleep and James was already at Sirius's side whispering comforting things. He crawled over and saw Sirius awake and wincing, his arm wrapped around the cracked ribs that were beyond their skills to heal. "Sirius? What happened?" James asked slowly, not willing to force his friend to remember.

"Ran away." Sirius muttered through the haze of pain. His t-shirt was little more than a rag that clung to his frame, his hair was matted with blood and he shook like a leaf. "I-I had to...I had to get out of there before they killed me..." He lifted shaking hands to his face and covered it. All those memories...

_He was locked in his room, his windows barred. They were threatening to never allow him back to Hogwarts, to finally destroy the last of his happiness forever. He has spent all evening screaming at them, shouting that he would leave, he would sneak out and return anyway and so, his mother, after much hisses of 'blood-traitor', 'stain of dishonour' and 'filth' puts strong protective enchantments upon his door, locking him in for good. He wasn't allowed food, he wasn't allowed water. They took away his bed, forcing him to sleep curled on the floor and shivering violently. He was trapped, trapped and helpless. And they wait...they wait for him to break. Which he does, a lot sooner than he would have thought, considering how he had convinced himself he was stronger than that. He ends up hammering on the door until his fists are bleeding, begging to be released because he simply can't stop the darkness from encroaching on him. The monsters that hid in the shadows of his room, lurking and hissing and spitting like the snakes that represented everything he hated._

_And, one day, finally...finally he is released. But it is not to be for his benefit. He is forced into the drawing room, weak and shaking from cold he is thrown to the carpet. Something grabs his hair, yanking his head back so he is forced to meet a pair of eyes the exact same colour as his own and something hot, scolding is poured down his throat until he wants to throw up...but he can't because a strong hand has closed his jaw. People are laughing, laughing and jeering at him and the humiliation reaches its peak when he doubles over, retching and vomiting crimson. Relief comes in the form of a darkness so complete he welcomes it..._

_He wakes to freezing cold, his eyesight blurred and for a long time he can't see properly. With a groan he tries to move but something hard pokes into his back, someone is kicking him awake._

"_Shall we see how much the blood-traitor can stand?"_

"_The Dark Lord would be pleased if we killed the little fucker..."_

"_No...don't kill him yet, I want to play..."_

_Sick, twisted voices. Pain beyond anything he has ever experienced. He wants to die. He wants to end everything...not even thoughts of his friend's eases the agony searing his blood and ripping that horrible, broken scream from his lips. His voice echoes off the walls, reaching his own ears in shattered, broken pieces and he hates himself. His self hatred grows until it is almost as painful as the curse. He loses control of his limbs, he can't see, he can't feel...he doesn't even know where he is...His mother has handed him over to devils, evil, black hearted, deranged devils and as the tears leak from his eyes as he gazes blindly up at the ceiling he's glad that no one can see him...he's so glad that none of his friends can watch him fall apart. _

_The next thing he knows something cold is poured over his head so he is choking violently and his eyes spring open to reveal a world that is far too bright, far too clean to be real. His body shakes violently, no longer obeying his command and hands are grabbing at him, pulling him up and forcing him to his knees. He stares around, not taking anything in, its all just blurred colour, beautiful in its extremes. Pain rips through his arm, his ribs, his skin breaks, more crimson to stain the green carpet and he would laugh at the irony of it if he wasn't in so much pain. It blurs his senses, he is nothing but a writhing, hot ball of exquisite agony, every nerve a white hot wire piercing his soul, every movement a struggle. He wants to die...why won't he die?_

"_Die? Dying would be too easy for the likes of you, you filthy traitor! Do you regret it? Do you regret staining this noble and ancient house with your disgusting opinions?" _

_Someone slaps him. He's not even sure who it is anymore. _

"_We are disappointed, you are the shame of your mother. I will no longer call you my son."_

"_You are hated, Sirius. No one loves you, no one ever will. You'll die alone and abandoned."_

_And then the pain comes again. He can't scream anymore...he's lost the will. He lay's there, on some kind of surface as colour flashes past his eyes and he twitches. He can't see. His thoughts are slow, sluggish and incoherent and he knows they're right...how could anyone love him? Love was a complete lie...a lie told by people like James, who grew up in warmth and happiness...a lie spoken by people like Remus, who are so, so beautifully kind. A Lie told to ease the fear of loneliness and despair..._

_Next time he opens his eyes he is lying on the floor of his room, his arm hurts, his body is just one big ball of raw nerves, a broken, battered sack of meat with no more purpose than to house the ruined soul within. Sirius tries to get up, but falls down again, he has no idea what he's doing...he isn't even sure if he's dreaming or if this is real, but he knows he must stand up. And he does. Eventually, by some insane miracle he gets his feet underneath him and picks up the thin stick of wood from a desk in the corner, carefully, noisily, he pulls on the handle of his room opening the door and falls into the hall way. Everything sways violently and he lies still, gasping and trying to think clearly...but it is impossible. So he struggles to his feet again, ignoring the agony in his side as he stumbles down the stairs and into the hall. He can hear someone laughing, people talking but he pays them no mind. The door is right there...inches from his outstretched fingers and he's reaching...reaching but it's getting further away...something is pulling him backwards and he's struggling, shouting, his voice tearing his already ruined throat as hands close over his neck. No more air. He chokes, fingers scraping, gouging at the blurred face before him as the fingers close tighter and tighter until he can't feel anything anymore. _

"_You stupid, useless piece of shit! How dare you try to leave...we have tried to raise you properly...but it was all useless...you should have died at birth! Now...I hope you understand that you can never, ever escape..."_

_It's his father's voice, it's his father's hands crushing the life from him. And it's his father's eyes he sees as black flowers bloom across his vision. But none of it matters anymore because he's dying and soon nothing will matter...he will just fade away and leave all the anger, the pain, the humiliation behind..._

_His eyes slide shut and his fingers fall to the floor, brushing a piece of wood...And then, as bright and clean as a freshly polished goblet he sees faces. He can't remember their names, or what connection they have to him but they force away the darkness, they fill him with fire. He knows they're important somehow, he knows that the one with brown hair that flops inelegantly into his eyes, the one with that shy, far too adult smile is somehow too important to leave behind..._

_Several things happen at once..._

_The hands on his throat loosen as he begins to lose consciousness, it is not much but he regains enough air to grab the warm stick by his fingers, he lifts it, pointing it into the face of his father and without words a sudden, bright explosion knocks him away...and he is free. He falls to all fours, choking, retching and gasping, but crawling determinedly towards that door...the door that seems to be trying to escape him..._

Sirius decided he must have escaped, or else he wouldn't be lying on James's living room floor feeling as if he'd been hit by the Hogwarts Express. He feels dizzy and sick, the rush of memories is too much and he rolls onto his side and empties his stomach onto the floor. As his eyes blur with tears of pain he sees little more than a crimson splatter and he hears gasps and hurried footsteps, muttered voices all blurring into nothing as he falls into a warm, comforting embrace trying to believe the softly muttered words:

"You'll be alright, Padfoot...everything'll be just fine now...I promise..."

Remus paced. Back and forth, back and forth over and over again. He can see James slumped despondently in a chair, his head back against the clean white hospital wall as he sighs and fidgets with his sleeves. Suddenly the door they sit beside opens and Remus spins around to see Charlus Potter standing there looking grave, his black hair is messy just like James's except his is greying in areas. He pushes his glasses further onto his nose and manages a small smile. "He'll be fine, boys." He said softly. "The Healers say that he is suffering from internal bleeding but they can fix that up in no time, they also applaud you for your healing spells, although not perfect they may have saved his life."

Remus felt his knees go weak and he fell into a wall. "Thank Merlin." He gasped, closing his eyes and feeling most of the terror leave him. "Thank Merlin." He said again.

James sighed and ran fingers through his own hair, he was still in his Pyjama's and a robe and he had dark circles under his eyes but he looked as relieved as Remus. "That was too close...I knew I should have got him out of their sooner!"

"James, there's very little you could have done." Dorea said, emerging from behind her husband. Her resemblance to Sirius was quite unnerving and Remus couldn't look her in the eyes without remembering stolen moments at Hogwarts. "He will be safe now, I doubt Walburga will bother coming to get him...if only to avoid a confrontation with me." She smiled and Remus saw James in that smile. She sat down beside her son and Charlus disappeared to get them all some tea. The silence was less tense but Remus found himself sinking down the wall and drawing his knees to his chest, he gazed at the opposite wall where a painting eyed him beadily.

James huffed, frowning irritably at nothing. "Why would that bitch woman care about confronting you, mum?" He asked.

"Language, please, James." Dorea replied, though with little reprimand. "Because I am a lot older, wiser and I know things which would destroy her reputation." She said calmly, putting her arm around her son who shrugged her off, rolling his eyes.

"Don't hug me, Mother...we're in a public place." He grouched and tried to look surly, Remus almost laughed, James didn't do surly very well.

Sirius woke half a day later, he felt woozy and unsure where he was. Everything around him was blindingly white, the walls were painful to look at so he sighed and closed his eyes tightly.

"Well, well...it seems Mr. Padfoot is awake at last, Mr. Moony."

"I did notice, Mr. Prongs, how do you think we should get him to open his eyes, Mr. Wormtail?"

"Something loud? A horn, maybe?"

"Sounds like a plan, Mr. Wormtail...Mr. Moony, will you do the honours?"

"Gladly, Mr. Prongs."

"Mr. Padfoot disagrees with the chosen course of action as he has the headache that will end all other headaches. He appreciates Mr. Prongs, Mr. Moony, and Mr. Wormtail's attempt at making him open his eyes, but sadly must decline." Sirius opened an eye and smiled slowly. "However, a glass of water wouldn't go amiss." He croaked.

Remus smiled brightly, he poured the water while Sirius pushed himself up with a wince. "How are you?" Remus asked softly, handing him the glass.

Sirius sipped the water slowly, it was cold and it had to be some kind of magical enchanted water because it was the best damned thing he'd ever tasted. Once finished he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and shook his head. "Free." He replied and his smile widened. "I am free..."

James grinned back, reaching out and clapping him on the back. "Yes, yes you are! My mum said you can stay with us until you're seventeen but then you'll need to get your own place."

"Your mother is an angel. I always say so." Sirius's smile felt as if it was going reach right off his face, he couldn't help it. He was actually free of his evil home...and the shackles of his name would be meaningless and everything was so wonderfully bright and clear and for the first time in Sixteen and a bit years (Because you can never forget the 'bit') he could actually see a future for himself.

That night he was released, he went home with the only adults who had truly cared about him and although he was awkward at first, he eventually got used to it. The only real problem he had was when Dorea came rushing into the hospital room, taken one look at him and announced that he was far too thin and she would make sure that he got three good meals a day before she hugged him. Her embrace was warm and soft and unlike anything he had ever felt in his life, and it terrified him. He squirmed away uncomfortably and avoided her gaze. "Please, Mrs. Potter I...I'd rather..."

"Oh, Sirius, how many years have you been staying at ours now? It's Dorea."

Sirius smiled a little weakly. "Ok...Dorea then...um...You don't have to..."

"I don't have to what? Treat you like a son?"

Sirius physically flinched at that. "No, that's fine. I'm James's mate...no need to go to so much trouble...I'll be out of your hair as soon as I turn seventeen...And I..." She hugged him again but this time didn't release him. He froze, eyes wide with confusion and fear. He didn't know how to react to this, someone was treating him kindly...an adult was treating him as if he mattered...as if his life was worth something and it was so warm...and it made his chest ache strangely and he couldn't cope. He pulled away, hiding his face behind his hair as Dorea patted his head gently.

"Sirius, you are always welcome with us. Please, don't be afraid to take advantage of kindness...I understand, better than anyone else. You went through hell, but now you're safe, you're allowed to be a teenager again." With those soft words she left him alone while she signed his release forms. And he bent his head, letting his eyes burn too fiercely and feeling the awful, painful tug on his heart and lungs as they burned.

On the second of September Sirius walked down the corridor, his steps light and he gazed down at his time table, frowning slightly. He had passed all his OWLs with his lowest grade being Exceeds Expectations and he smiled, he had always known he was good. Potions was the first order of the day, unfortunately he had to take it with Slytherin's and he hated Slytherin's...luckily both Remus and James would be with him, after James had finished going to the bathroom and admiring himself with his shiny new Captains badge. As he turned a corner, heading towards the dungeons he froze.

Stood before him was a boy, a year younger and wearing a green and silver tie. Both boys gazed at each other, grey eyes to grey eyes. "Regulus..." Sirius breathed.

Regulus looked sad for a moment before they both heard loud shouts and laughter from behind each of them. Sirius saw Reg go for his wand and he drew his own with a sigh, they pointed them at each other, simply staring as the Gryffindors rounded a corner, laughing at something James had said, and the Slytherin's came to a halt behind Regulus. Two wands lifted on either side of Sirius, and he smiled slightly, closing his eyes.

"So, what do we have here?" James said loudly, his voice bouncing off the walls. "A bunch of filthy snakes? Well, you're in our way, _move._"

Regulus sneered, taking courage from the Slytherin's at his back. "And you'll do what, to make us move, Potter? I will not take orders from Blood-traitors like you!"

James ruffled his hair and smiled, the kind of smile everyone in Gryffindor had come to associate with someone changing colour or sprouting horns. "Well I, for one, am glad to be a Blood-traitor, if it means not looking like a greasy slime ball for the rest of my life..."

Regulus rolled his eyes. And Sirius leaned towards James a bit. "Watch it there mate, he looks like me." He muttered. James chuckled.

"If you cannot conceive of any better insults then go find that slutty little Mudblood you're so fond of and-..." he stumbled backwards, blood spattering his robes. His eyes were wide as he gazed at his brother.

"Mudblood? You think that _you_, of all people, have _any_ right to say those words?" Sirius growled, advancing a few steps.

Regulus sneered, glaring daggers as he lifted his own wand and pointed it at Sirius. "You speak as if the same blood doesn't run through both our veins!"

"Yeah...I know it does. And the thought makes me wish I could cut my wrists open and bleed the fucking taint out of me! I will be forever haunted by the knowledge I come from a long line of inbred fools who cannot think for themselves!"

"Sirius...do you even know what your leaving did to our mother? She spent weeks crying! You have been disinherited, you will be forced into poverty all because of a few disagreements? I hope you starve to death, because it will be less painful than what the Dark Lord and cousin Bella have planned for you!"

"I'd rather cut off my own fucking arm than accept anything from the disgusting whore who gave birth to me! Regulus, you saw what they did! You were there! In the very same room as they forced me to drink that potion and puke blood...you were there when they were trying to beat me to death, when they tortured me! How dare you...how _dare_ you stand there and tell me how sorry I should be because the bitch whose womb I came out of cries! You fucking, stupid idiot!" Sparks shot from the end of Sirius's wand as he spoke and Regulus hissed air through his teeth softly, something in his eyes seemed to soften slightly before hardening again.

"You make me sick." Regulus hissed his wand a blur as he sent a jet of light at Sirius who blocked it almost casually, he was smiling, a taught smile that was all teeth and not in slightest bit friendly as spells began shooting in all directions. Stone shattered around them and people began backing away, James stood at Sirius's side, watching the other Slytherin's for any sign of movement while Remus watched the duel in awe. He had never truly seen Sirius duel for real, but as he watched he could almost see that both brothers were duelling to either maim or even kill.

"S-Sirius..." Remus began, trying to grab his friend, but Sirius was too involved. James hardly moved except to put up a strong shield charm and keep watching the Slytherin's who again watched with awe and reverence.

"You..." Sirius panted, blocking yet another spell from his brother. He had several holes smoking in his robes and a long, jagged cut across the back of his hand. "You...are so...fucking...brainwashed..." He fired his own spell which hit Regulus in the chest, driving him backwards.

Reg recovered, shaking his head, so his hair was as messy as Sirius's. He smiled, almost the mirror image of his older brother. "Did you know..." he began, dodging a well aimed hex that a seventh year Slytherin had to deflect. "That Uncle Alphard..." Regulus fired crimson light at Sirius who almost dodged it, but at the mention of his favourite Uncle he faltered and ended up getting a massive cut in his chest, he stumbled backwards, panting heavily, his tongue darting in and out like it did when he was a dog. He retaliated like lightening, a Slytherin girl screaming as the hex hit her in the face and she began swelling. Unlike the Gryffindor's the Slytherin's were not protecting one another with Shield Charms, as far as Sirius was concerned that was their own fault. Regulus's grin turned slightly deranged as he dodged and tried to hex his brother. "Uncle Alphard _Died_!" He said suddenly.

Sirius's eyes widened, he lost his footing and slipped, grabbing the wall. "What?" he muttered, his voice losing all anger, his eyes wide and uncomprehending.

"Yes...dear brother. The only member of our family who even liked you...Alphard was murdered a week ago." Sirius stood, panting heavily, sweat dripping down his neck as he gazed at Regulus. "He managed to leave you a hefty amount of gold...so of course, he was blasted off of the family tree...along with you. Blood-traitors must stick together after all."

"He...he did?" Sirius's eyes widened. He was shocked, he knew Alphard liked him, they had got along rather well, but he had never expected gold from him.

"Yes, it seems he was most impressed by the fact that you escaped...that you broke mother's heart!" Regulus, without so much as a warning shot a curse at Sirius who was too shocked to deflect it properly, he was thrown backwards, hitting James's shield charm and crumpling to the floor.

Regulus walked over, James stood between them, wand raised and his brows drawn into a dark and forbidding frown. "Not another step closer, or I _will_ get involved." He said firmly, noticing Remus's wand rise with his.

Regulus sneered again before spitting at James's feet and walking away. Remus felt a flash of anger, totally unlike him, but before he had even considered it his own spell hit Regulus in the back, sending him flying head over heels into the shocked crowd of Slytherin's. James raised an eyebrow and turned to Moony who was grinding his teeth and growling in a rather wolfish way, his eyes amber. "No one...and I mean, _no one_ spits at my friends!" Remus said softly as he lowered his wand.

The Slytherin's began separating out, their wands all raised. James scanned them, noting names and saw mostly potential Death Eaters. He lifted his own wand again, standing tall, Remus copying him and he heard Sirius struggling to his feet and wobbling to their side, his wand lifting to join theirs and a sick, half insane grin on his face. "Guess this is war then!" he said with relish. "Who wants some...? I got plenty more left!" And he looked like he meant it, his silver eyes shining fiercely it was almost too painful to look into them. The three of them stood there, tall and unafraid, as if they had been doing it all their lives. As Regulus gazed at them he realised they looked ready to die for each other.

Several other Gryffindor's joined them, and a silence descended.


	8. Chapter Eight: Night Time Lovers

_**A/N: In thanks for your lovely reviews and Support for this fic I am releasing another chapter! Also, I loved writing the action scene in this one, and afterwards well...Remus gets a bit too possessive! :O**_

Chapter Eight: Night Time Lovers

The tension was almost palatable. James stood with Remus and Sirius on either side and his eyes narrowed as he awaited the first strike. He knew that many of the Slytherin's had been taught to duel at home, and they probably knew spells he didn't, but that was the advantage of having Sirius on his side. Being raised in an environment that demanded they train the Heir of the household to become an expert fighter, Sirius was the best at Duels. He was fast, he could also use silent spells which James still struggled with, even though he was better than most in his year group. Sirius was also extremely unpredictable, in a duel no one could even read him. James was probably one of the only people who could beat him in Sixth year and maybe even Seventh year. Remus was the thinker, he planned, and James could almost hear the cogs turning even as they stood there, he was probably planning several different ways the fight could go and his reactions to them. This was why they were the most feared and respected group in the Castle, very few people dared go against them.

Suddenly a fifth year Slytherin moved, a small, nervous twitch and he fell back clutching his face while his wand rose into the air and clattered to the stone floor. Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius who shrugged. "Thought it'd be better to hit him with a curse..." He muttered. "Didn't know we were disarming."

Remus laughed softly and returned his gaze to the group before him. Regulus was almost as fast as Sirius, his wand slashing through the air. Sirius deflected it almost lazily and it smashed a great big gouge in the wall, sending stone debris into the air. And that was it, spells went flying in different directions, the walls shattered, stone cracked beneath feet and, over the cries and swearing and general noise, Sirius's mad laughter could be heard over it all.

James ended up facing a scrawny boy, who was trying to stun him. James laughed and sent him flying with a spell. He seemed to morph into something resembling a rather ugly Shrubbery, the thing went flying over other people's heads with an all too human wail.

Remus gave his wand a flick and someone ended up screaming, with large green and yellow spots erupting all over his face. He frowned as he caught sight of Sirius duelling his brother in what looked like an all too serious battle. The curses they were using were almost melting the stone in the walls, they glowed with heat as the floor cracked beneath their feet. Sirius's hair was flying as he evaded, his smile was plastered to his face as if stuck there with a permanent sticking charm. Regulus, however, was looking more and more furious and Remus could tell they were the only ones fighting to really hurt...he dared not even consider the idea that perhaps Sirius was trying to kill his own brother.

It happened so suddenly it made several students shriek with shock. A sudden, brutally powerful barrier erupted between the fighting students and the air crackled around them, Remus thought, randomly, that the storm in which he had lost his virginity had crept inside the castle...but then he saw a sight that made his heart stop in his chest and he was backing away quickly with the others. James tugging on his robes. He looked at James who grinned, slightly manically, and shoved him forcefully away. "Get out of here, Mr. Prefect...run!" He hissed and Remus paused briefly before James rolled his eyes. "Go! We can't all get expelled."

"No." Remus said and suddenly he saw a fist come from nowhere and he was knocked to the floor. Dizziness didn't stop him from hearing Sirius's soft voice.

"You idiot...you weren't involved." Sirius whispered before Remus lost consciousness.

Sirius turned, and almost quailed as he saw Dumbledore standing tall in the hallway. The Slytherin's, who had been taking a battering were climbing to their feet miserably while the Gryffindor's who had been in the thick of it stood there, tall and ready to face any punishment. Sirius looked a mess, his hair was singed, his face had blood smeared across it and his robes were tatters, yet he looked fiercely defiant.

"Who started this?" Dumbledore said, his voice was soft, almost gentle but that didn't stop James from feeling the power behind it as he stepped forward with Sirius at his side.

"I did." Sirius said firmly, elbowing James in the ribs. "I started it, Professor. The others were just innocent bystanders...they had nothing to do with it."

Dumbledore gazed around at the other battered looking students and his eyes landed on Regulus who looked in slightly worse shape than Sirius. "And I suppose duelling is how you solve all your sibling rivalries?"

Before Regulus could cut in Sirius spoke, his voice low but hard as he shot a glare in Reg's direction. "I started it, like I said. He was defending himself. I'm not going to deny it."

An odd look crossed Regulus's face, he frowned in confusion, unsure why his brother was defending him after they'd just tried to kill each other.

James sighed. "I helped." He said, stepping forward. Sirius glared at him too.

"No! He did _not_!" He hissed through gritted teeth.

"Do you not hear that?" James snarled back, his eyes on Sirius's. They paused to listen to the distinct sounds of a crying Shrubbery. "I did that! That guy was a fucking prat! So, I turned him into a plant...not that he makes a very good plant either...but I-..."

Dumbledore cut him off mid-sentence. "As much as I appreciate the magnificent Transfiguration, James, this is not about how good your magic was...this is about duelling in school, damaging school property and injuring several class mates all over...what?" He looked at Sirius who lowered his head.

"All because Regulus insulted me." He said slowly, ignoring the burning gaze of his brother as he avoided the truth. "I'm sorry, Professor, this is all my fault, please don't expel the others...Here..." he held up his wand. "I know what this is going to mean and I'm not going to shy away from any punishment."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "As much as your offer is very brave and admirable, only the Ministry can remove a Wizards wand and as you are under seventeen and have...certain elevated Blood-status..." Dumbledore said the word with a slight down turn of his mouth as if he disproved, which he probably did. "You will each be given detention for the rest of the year, which will be decided by your heads of houses, and of course, the main perpetrators will have house points removed...again, how many will depend greatly upon your Heads of House. Now then, Sirius, please come with me and James, please help your friends to the Hospital wing."

Sirius sent James a confused look before striding after his Headmaster. On the way past Dumbledore paused and flicked his wand at the sobbing plant, a boy re-emerged looking helplessly lost and confused. "Dear boy, I suggest you take yourself to Madam Pomfrey who will fix you up...your hair is still a bit leafy."

Sirius snorted laughter and the Slytherin glared at him as they walked past.

When they reached Dumbledore's office Sirius took the offered seat, automatically sitting in it as if it was a throne. The headmaster seated himself behind his desk and gazed at Sirius over the top of his half moon spectacles. There was a long, drawn out silence before Dumbledore sighed. "I expected better from you, Sirius."

"I apologise." He said stiffly, he couldn't say he was genuinely all that sorry.

"I am disappointed that you were unable to control your anger, this is going to cause unnecessary trouble with the Governors and parents...And you know that I must inform the Ministry..."

"Yes sir." Sirius replied.

There was another pause while they watched each other. "Sirius, have you considered your future outside Hogwarts at all?"

Sirius looked confused, his face falling from graceful adult to child in a second. "Uh...no...not really professor...isn't this something I should be discussing with Professor McGonagall?"

"I have looked over the record of your Career counselling last year..." Sirius sat there, feeling completely lost. "And I have to say I was surprised, you showed no interest in doing anything with your future, an odd thing for a sixteen year old."

"I don't think that far ahead, sir." Sirius said seriously, he pushed damp hair from his face casually. "I don't like the future...there's nothing certain about it. So, I take each day as it comes, living for the moment...if you know what I mean?" He glanced uncertainly at his headmaster who inclined his head slightly to show understanding.

"You and your friends are unusually talented..." Dumbledore seemed to consider the table for a while before speaking again. "As you are aware there is a war being fought outside, and to win I have gathered a small group of talented Witches and Wizards who are dedicated in fighting and bringing down Voldemort."

Sirius didn't flinch at the use of the name, he had never feared the name. "And? What does this have to do with me?"

"I need people like you who are willing to fight against the dark, learn to put your talent to good use, Sirius."

Sirius's eyes widened. It wasn't as if he had never considered the possibility of fighting in the war, he had simply assumed he would have to become an Auror and work for the Ministry, the idea of which turned his stomach. He leaned forward, a little too eagerly. "And...you want _me_? You're asking _me_ to fight for you?"

"Not yet, dear boy, when you are of age and have completed your education."

Sirius sat back, biting absently on a torn finger nail as he appraised Dumbledore. "You know exactly what you're asking me to do, don't you?"

The headmaster nodded gravely. "Indeed, I am asking you to pit yourself against your own family, against people you have known all your life...I am asking you to risk your life to protect that which is pure...I am asking you to be willing to lay down your life to ensure that the next generation never have to go through what you have been through."

Sirius felt a smile spread across his face, it began small but expanded rapidly. He lounged in the chair, hair falling casually into his silver eyes and his smile was too adult, much too ready to do whatever it took. "That, sir, sounds like a brilliant idea." He said smoothly.

Dumbledore had a split second to regret his rashness, before he decided that this was the best use for Sirius's gift for trouble, this way he would have a goal, this way he may be able to curb that terrible darkness and ease the wounds inflicted by insane parents. "Then, we have a deal, Sirius. However, in future, please do try to avoid duelling on school grounds."

Sirius stood and shot the headmaster a handsome smile. "Of course, sir." He said and left the large, circular room.

Remus woke slowly in the hospital wing, feeling decidedly groggy. He groaned and rolled onto his side, his eyes flickering open to find Sirius watching him. The light slanted in through the window, highlighting his aristocratic features and making him look like a portrait, he was so handsome it was totally unreal and Remus found himself gazing into those heavily lidded eyes as Sirius's face stretched into a big smile. He leaned forward, brushing a lock of hair from his eyes. "Mornin' Mr. Moony." He whispered gently, a sound that was totally at odds with his burning eyes. He was excited about something and it gave him that dangerous, half-insane look that made Remus want to push him into the chair and fuck him silly.

He tried to speak but his voice came out sounding stupid and grunty, so he cleared his throat with a small frown as he sat up. "What time is it? And how come you haven't been expelled?"

"It is approximately seven thirty am on a Saturday morning and I am not expelled because the Ministry can't decide what to do with me." He grinned. "Dangerous purebloods are running riot all over the place anyway, one more attacking his own brother in school isn't going to bother them too much."

Remus shot him a glare. "Why the hell did you punch me?"

"Because you were being a stubborn prat and we had to make sure you didn't do something brave and ultimately Gryffindorish."

Despite himself Remus chuckled. "And what did James do? He who is more Gryffindor than all of us put together?"

"Mr. Prongs stood by my side, ready to walk with me to my doom...but Dumbledore complimented him on his excellent Transfiguration and recruited us all to the Order of the Phoenix."

Remus shook his head, sure that he had misheard. "The Order of the what now?"

"Shh!" Sirius quieted him, eyes darting around carefully before standing and sitting down on the bed as the curtains closed about them without him even drawing his wand. Remus opened his mouth to comment on this sudden display of impossibly hard magic but Sirius shook his head. "The Order are a group of people working for Dumbledore to help the Ministry kill the Dark Lo-..." Sirius frowned in distaste. "Voldemort." He said firmly. "Old habits die hard." He muttered, running fingers through his hair. "Anyway, Dumbledore has asked us...that's you, me, Prongsy and Wormy...to join him when we leave school." His smile was all at once beautiful and terrifying. "Amazing, isn't it?"

Remus's mouth hung open slightly. "He...what? But that's...that's...stupid! We're just kids! We can't be any use in a war of all things!"

"Ah, Moonikins...stop worrying, it'll be amazing! Plus, he said we're all talented and he could use your...ability..." He chose the word carefully. "To help. You'd be useful...come on, we don't have to decide for sure yet. Or at least, you don't...I already told him I was in and I'm pretty sure James has too."

"But...what about jobs? And housing and..." Sirius cut him off in the best way possible. He closed his eyes, letting a small moan slip into Sirius's mouth as he was gently pushed back into the bed.

"Stop worrying, Moony." Sirius whispered against his lips. "We've got forever."

"Mm...Forever...is an extremely long time."

Sirius grinned. "I don't intend on dying until you do." He said it lightly but there was an undertone of dead seriousness, a tone he rarely used which meant that he meant every word.

Remus felt his heart clench painfully in his chest, his fingers traced Sirius's jaw. "Don't make ridiculous promises you can't keep." He whispered. Sirius saw fear in his eyes and kissed him again, deeply, slowly and passionately making Remus melt into putty.

"Stop trying to predict the future, Divination is a stupid, useless subject...I choose my own path, I walk my own destiny...There is no future but the one that I choose."

"Sirius..." Remus whispered, his fingers finding the long strands of hair that fell against his face, he pulled them slightly feeling suddenly, desperately lonely. "Don't...don't you _dare_ die on me...Please...don't die before me, you can be such a selfish bastard..." He hated the way his voice sounded borderline panicky.

Sirius chuckled, slipping a hand beneath Remus's neck and pulling him in for another soft, demanding kiss. "I promise." He whispered against his lips.

Christmas drew closer like a great lurching beast, the Marauders were up to their usual tricks, making the Christmas trees fire pine needles at passing first years, turning Ball Balls into magical grenades that exploded into glue and feathers as they fell amongst cursing students. Sirius had never spent so much time in hysterics, even with his increased workload and a detention every evening. James was right there with him, they clutched each other and laughed as a girl ran past looking like someone had swapped her head for a rather large potato. Remus watched the two, usually shaking his head with a small, content smile on his face that hid the pulsing jealousy. As the full moon came around, he could hardly contain it, it sat like a bubbling green pool in his stomach. Sirius hadn't touched him since that morning in the hospital wing, and Remus could still feel his fingers on his skin, hot breath on his throat as Sirius hushed him with the most mind blowing kisses. It had been one of his most intense orgasms yet. And...it had felt far too much like a goodbye.

He was furious. The wolf raged, smashing everything in sight, ignoring the desperate yelp from the dog. Teeth, claws, fur...blood. They were a ball of open jaws, fierce growls, pained screams and blood splattered the walls, dripping down it grotesquely. The wolf wasn't going to allow the dog to escape. It was pinned, cornered by the larger animal as it squashed him to the floor. The dogs fast, desperate breathing made its ribs creak, the grip on its throat was too tight, the teeth piercing flesh too easily. A long, drawn out howl escaped the wolf when it's prey submitted by simply lying still, bleeding over the wooden floors.

Sirius gazed over at Remus, he could see the wounds, the jagged slices from claw and teeth across his pale skin. He looked so thin, so vulnerable that Sirius felt a savage wave of guilt and pain. He dragged himself towards the sleeping boy and pulled a blanket over him, the blanket was ripped and bloody but it would have to do. Sirius turned to see James, a long scratch down his side that still bled sluggishly. Peter simply looked too terrified to even move. Sirius's body hurt but he was able to stand, especially after the healing spells he had done on himself. He wasn't going to go to Pomfrey, not with these. The three conscious Marauders gazed solemnly at each other, none of them blaming Remus...they all knew the danger they undertook every full moon, and even though this had been the worst attack yet they weren't new to the massive wolf turning on them at a seconds notice.

The next night Moony emerged from the hospital wing. He was ashamed of himself, he knew what had happened due to the unusual amount of damage and fresh blood that wasn't all his. He had no clear recollection of that night but to even consider hurting his friends hurt more than anything else in the whole entire universe. He made his way despondently back towards the common room, a noise made him look up and he saw Sirius lounging against a statue, a long, diagonal slash down the side of his face. He smiled lazily. "Hey, Moony...You alright? I wanted to make sure you were ok but I heard you got released so I..." And it took a second for Remus to be standing before him, lips slightly parted, his amber eyes glued to the cut along Sirius's face.

"I..." He began and Sirius laughed.

"Don't bloody apologise, this is just a scratch. It's nothing...trust me, I've had worse."

"I could have murdered you." Remus said softly, his fingers lifting to run along the wound, Sirius flinched at the gentle touch and took his fingers, pulling them away.

"You weren't in control." He said firmly.

"Doesn't matter. The wolf is me...I am the wolf...we're the same thing..."

"No!" Sirius snapped. "No...the wolf is something entirely different! You are Remus John Moony Lupin! My best friend, my pack!" he said it so fiercely that Remus almost believed him...almost.

"Sirius..." Remus began slowly, his eyes glued to his friends. "D-Do you...still...want me?" He whispered the words, unable to stop himself from flinching away from the girlishness of his tone.

Sirius froze. He felt his heart stutter in his chest, he couldn't tell him the truth. He couldn't hurt him...even though he was. He had wanted to draw away, to protect Remus from the inevitable backlash that would come from his family. He couldn't even stand the possibility that his cousins would go after his friends, let alone if they somehow discovered that he was sleeping with Remus...that his feelings for his friend went far, far beyond friendship and into the realms of something he would rather not think about.

Unfortunately Remus saw the darkening of his eyes and he felt pain rip through him, ripping his heart up into tiny pieces and scattering it to the four winds. He stepped back one pace, his eyes on Sirius.

"I'm sorry." The words slipped past Sirius's lips, as if they had taken on a life of their own.

"Is it...someone else...?" Remus breathed softly.

Sirius considered carefully, if he said yes, then it would potentially stop Remus from doing something stupid like staying with him because of his ridiculous Gryffindor bravery. "Yes." He said slowly.

And something inside Remus stirred, he felt his breath stop, his heart go still as he gazed open mouthed at Sirius. He couldn't stop his body from moving, he couldn't prevent the low, fierce, animalistic growl escaping his throat as he pushed Sirius into a passageway hidden behind the statue. They tumbled into it, Sirius grabbing hold of Remus as he searched for purchase, they fell backwards hitting the dusty floor with a gasp. Sirius was winded, his back was fire and he winced, trying to regain his breath. And then Moony was on him, grabbing his hair and yanking his head back, long fingers yanked at his belt as he was pinned awkwardly to the floor. "R-Remus..." He gasped, trying to struggle free, but the wolf growled and he froze automatically, seeing that liquid toffee coloured glow in his eyes.

Remus tore at the shirt that encased his lover's body, Sirius automatically struggling but once again stilling as Remus kissed him, fierce, hot and wet and Sirius found his mind shattering into thousands of tiny pieces. Their tongues met in the confines of their conjoined mouths, he could feel Remus's nails digging into his skin, and trembled as heat and pain and intense, jaw aching pleasure ripped through him as Remus ground his hips against him, mercilessly. He let out a low groan and got bitten for his troubles, it was a sharp bite on the shoulder and he went quiet.

Remus' fingers groped with his fly as he tried to hold Sirius down with the palm of one hand. Sirius was simply confused, he was filled with heat but he wasn't entirely sure what Remus was going to do to him until his trousers were around his knees with his boxers. His eyes widened slightly. "Remus..." He began but the werewolf clamped a hand firmly over his mouth as he heard the sound of a zip.

"Shut up!" Remus heard himself growl, the voice couldn't have come from him...it wasn't that deep, that commanding, that dangerous...Before he had considered the ramifications of his actions he had Sirius on his front, pressed roughly against stone.

It was painful, sharp, burning pain. He could feel Remus inside him, moving brutally. They were a mess of sweaty bodies, wet lips, teeth that drew blood, slick skin moving against each other like beasts. Remus wanted to make Sirius scream for him, he wanted to claim him completely, to ensure he wouldn't ever go to anyone else. He wanted to remove the potential taste and scent of anyone else from Sirius's smooth skin, his tongue found the back of Sirius's neck as he grabbed a handful of jet black hair. He raked his nails down Sirius's back, making him arch slightly and suppress a low moan. Sirius closed his eyes, the pain blending perfectly with the flashes of exquisite pleasure rampaging through his raw nerves. He could hear Remus, panting heavily, his hips moving quickly and erratically, it was as if he had been possessed but Sirius wasn't inclined to complain.

Sirius was flipped over, onto his back where the stone scraped against him, Remus leaned down, biting at his lips, swallowing his whispers and gasps. Fingers gripped his hips, leaving little crescents on his skin, along with the bruises on his throat and chest. Remus wanted to taste every inch of skin, every gasp of breath, he wanted to cling to the last remnants of their dangerous relationship, he wanted to hurt the man beneath him, hurt him so badly he would be unable to leave him. He wanted to own him. He could hear nothing but the blood rushing through him, as the wolf howled within him, he lost himself in amongst wild pleasure, the heady sense of conquering and possession as Sirius's back arched beneath him and he pleaded and begged, seemingly unaware of the words escaping his mouth. Heat surrounded him, drowning him until all the blood seemed to pool in the pit of his stomach, he grabbed Sirius's hair again, kissing him, tongues tangling as a heavy moan was torn from him with his orgasm. He seemed to have stopped breathing, his body tense and his muscles shaking. Sirius's eyes suddenly went blank, his face contorting as he came all over their stomachs.

Finally Remus collapsed onto Sirius's chest, panting heavily, his body unable to move. Sirius shook violently, his brain useless. They lay like that, in a sweaty heap as they listened to their own breathing which sounded loud and ragged in their ears, their hearts hammered in their chests and eventually Sirius moved, he was uncomfortable and Remus was heavy. "I..." he began, his voice cracked slightly and he winced as Remus sat up, drawing away from him.

Remus gazed down at what he'd done. Long, crimson lines ran down Sirius's exposed chest, his school shirt was ripped and hung off of his shoulders. His trousers hung from one foot and his lips were scarlet, tiny puncture wounds still bled sluggishly as he licked it away. Sirius's hair was an absolute mess and Remus suddenly thought he looked like a debauched angel, his silver eyes wide and slightly uncomprehending as he gazed up at his lover. "I'm sorry!" Remus gasped suddenly, feeling the heady, intoxicating rage of the wolf fade. "I-I'm...so sorry..." He lifted a shaking hand and lowered his head. "I...I'll understand if you...want to leave me...I..."

Sirius climbed to his knees, wincing as pain shot through his bruised body, but the pain was almost nice. It reminded him that he was alive, he was alive and had been stupid not to realise that if he lost Remus, he would lose everything. "No...I'm sorry...That...That was a lie." He croaked as he moved towards Remus, his fingers went to his hair and he lifted the Werewolf's eyes to his. "There is no one else, Moony...only you."

"Why? Why did you lie to me? You stupid prat!" Remus said, hitting him lightly on the chest.

"Because...of my family. The moment they discover what I'm going to do they'll come after me. Bellatrix has a grudge against any Blood-traitor in the family. She has convinced herself that they all need to die...and as soon as I leave Hogwarts she will come after me...and...she's more insane than I am. I don't want...I don't want you caught up in this! I couldn't live with myself if you were hurt because of me."

"You really are...totally useless." Remus muttered, slumping down against the wall. "I would walk to hell with you, Sirius."

"Don't say that, you don't even know what hell is." Sirius leaned in, kissing him gently, his tongue probing and questioning. Remus tipped his head to the side and granted permission. They kissed for a while before Sirius pulled away and stood, his face taught with pain.

"Did it hurt this much for you?" He grumbled, pulling on his trousers. "I swear you were really trying to kill me that time."

Remus shook his head. "No...I...I honestly don't know...why I..." He flushed with embarrassment at the memories.

"Let's go have a bath." Sirius said, holding out his hand with a smile.


	9. Chapter Nine: Hallowed

_**A/N: Omg! I am so happy! All those reviews! :D I must be doing something you guys like! Anyway, this one is full of angst yet again! Poor Sirius, I honestly don't think he can take much more of this...ah well, I'm a sadist so I shall continue to enjoy making him hurt. **_

Chapter Nine: Hallowed

It was raining as Sirius sat in the window, he gazed out across the grounds listening to James telling Peter about how he had actually managed to get Lily Evans to smile at him...before she hit him in the face with her bag. He was sat, dabbing at his bleeding nose with a tissue but grinning like a maniac. Sirius smiled slightly, he lounged lazily against the cold stone at his back, one knee drawn to his chest and his long hair tied roughly back from his face. He was supposed to be working on a ridiculously long essay about the Benefits of Human to Animal Transfiguration but he couldn't prevent his eyes from following the trails of water dripping down the glass, it reminded him too much of the beads of sweat running down Remus's chest as his eyes glazed over with pleasure. He felt heat flash through him at the memories, he was happy to let Remus take control for once, it made a nice change and there was something wonderfully erotic about having his control ripped away from him, being tied down by the wrists with his own tie and letting Moony take him. The werewolf didn't seem to mind either, although afterwards he always got embarrassed and seemed unable to meet Sirius's eyes.

One night, as Remus was patrolling the corridors he heard someone following him, he frowned, glancing back over his shoulder and saw a figure standing in the shadow of a statue. "Moony..." Sirius muttered, stepping into the light from Remus's wand.

"What are you doing out of bed? You'll..."

"Get into trouble? Really Moony, I'd have thought that you would know me well enough by now to know that I don't care."

Remus smiled, shaking his head slightly. "I could never understand why I was made Prefect...You and James seem to get me into more trouble than most of the school put together. And also, Please stop creeping up on me, you'll give me heart failure one day."

Sirius crept closer, his feet somehow silent on the stone. Remus had never understood how Sirius had got so good at making every foot fall silent, but all his thoughts were wiped away as he was surrounded by strong arms and pushed into an alcove. Lips were crushed against his and he wrapped his arms around Sirius's shoulders as he felt his friends hand slide up his back, fingers gripping his robes as if he was afraid to let go. "Remus...Remus..." Sirius muttered as he buried his face in his neck and inhaled deeply. "You've ruined me."

"How?" Remus replied, confused by the gentleness in his tone.

"I haven't been able to touch another person since..." Sirius murmured, nipping gently at his ear. "I can't stop thinking about you..." He leaned down, kissing Remus gently, his tongue running over his lips. Remus shivered. "You've consumed me...turned me into something else. Everything...Everything I am...Everything I will be and have been...my entire existence is yours...Remus..." The soft whispers, the gentle, firm touches, everything made Remus want to throw Sirius to the floor and fuck him until he was screaming. He dragged himself closer, Sirius's hand gripping him tightly while the other was planted firmly on the wall at his back. "Fuckfuckfuck..." Sirius gasped, pushing his hips against the Werewolf's. "I need you." He gasped.

"S-Sirius..." Remus gasped. "Not here...mmm...N-Not...Oh...Merlin..." He exclaimed softly. He could see the desperation in Sirius's eyes, that molten silver devoured his senses, driving him insane. He swallowed before watching Sirius fall to his knees before him. "No...Sirius...we can't! We're in the middle of the-nnng..." Sirius's hand massaged his obvious arousal and he nearly fell to the floor as all the strength left his knees. "...S-stop..." He gasped, pushing his fingers into Sirius hair. "Not here...can't you just wait?"

Sirius grinned. "No, sorry." He leaned forward, taking Remus's fly between his teeth, his eyes flicking upwards so he gazed up at Remus through dark lashes.

"Stop looking at me like that...or I'll..."

"We can't have you coming just yet...I want to taste it." He unzipped the fly with his teeth before flicking open the button. He pressed his palms to Remus's abdomen, feeling it clench as he gazed into his lovers eyes.

"Sirius..." Remus's voice slipped out like a moan, unintentionally needy. His hands slipped into Sirius's hair and he yanked on it roughly, forcing his head closer to his erection. "Hurry..." He whispered.

Sirius wasn't one to be able to refuse such an enticing command and without further ado he pulled down Remus's trousers and pants a little way, revealing his erection. His head was forced towards it, fingers tangled in his thick hair.

Remus gasped, throwing his head back as Sirius's lips closed around him. He moved his hips, unable to stop himself, Sirius's hands were still wrapped firmly in the back of his shirt and he shoved Sirius's head lower, forcing himself deeper. He ignored the soft choking sound and sank himself into the sensations. The hall was filled with gasps, stifled groans and soft sucking noises. Remus could hardly hold himself up, his knees shook violently as his hips moved faster, Sirius obviously making an effort not to choke. "Siriussss..." He hissed. "More...n-need...oh god...I-I think I'm...nnnn..." his eyes fell closed, the warmth, the heat, the amazingly talented tongue...everything combined to make Remus bite down hard on his own lip to stop any noise from escaping and it was so good it almost hurt...

Sirius felt the slightly salty liquid hit his tongue and couldn't stop the groan, he swallowed what he could before feeling his head being yanked backwards, he winced as some hit his face. He found himself gazing up into dark eyes, Remus's pupils devoured the irises. Remus dragged him to his feet, grabbing handfuls of his shirt and yanking it from his trousers, his lips crashed against Sirius's and he could taste himself on his tongue. "Fuck..." he groaned heavily, his breathing catching in his throat. "Sirius...we shouldn't be doing this..." But even as he voiced his denials his hand had already closed around Sirius's aching arousal. Fingers clenched into his shoulders, and Remus watched intently as Sirius's eyes turned black.

"Remus...fuck me...please..." He gasped, desperation evident in his voice. "I need to...I need it..."

With a low growl Remus yanked down Sirius's trousers, pushing him against the wall, kissing him sloppily as he felt his own erection return with a vengeance. His teeth sank into Sirius's shoulder and he felt him shaking, his own body was nothing but heat and pleasure as he turned Sirius around, pressing himself into his body.

"Fuck!" Sirius swore, his fingers grasping desperately at the stone. "N-Not...so slow...faster...Moony...Please..."

Remus had a brief moment to realise that only he could make Sirius beg, only he could make him throw away his pride in moments of heated lust and violence, and it turned him on more than anything else could have. The wolf was always so close to the surface in these moments, he was little more than a beast wearing the form of a human being. His blood boiled as he pushed Sirius's shirt up his back, leaving deep scratches behind, claiming him. Telling any others that Sirius was his! He hissed softly into Sirius's ear, a mantra of possession: _"Mine...mine..."_

It wasn't long before Sirius's whole body went rigid. He trembled and Remus clamped his hand down on his mouth as he felt him tense around him, forcing him roughly over the edge so he had to bite down hard into Sirius's shoulder to stop his own cries from leaving his lips.

Sirius walked down the corridor, James hanging off of him and laughing. Remus walked behind them with Peter looking tired, dark circles hung beneath his listless eyes and he was having great difficulty focussing on anything. It was lunch time and they turned a corner to see a boy stood by the Great Hall. Sirius froze, his eyes glinting maliciously. "Well, well...what do we have here?" He said loudly, gaining the attention of everyone in the vicinity. People began glancing nervously from the Slytherin boy to Sirius and James and back again. James leaned on Sirius's shoulder, his fingers clasped around his wand and a slightly sadistic smile on his lips.

Remus sighed and glanced at Peter who looked on the verge of wetting his pants with excitement as he eyed James. "You two, please..." Remus said, his voice coming out sounding tired and irritable. "Just leave him alone...he's just standing there."

"Yeah, standing there and cluttering up the Hall." Sirius said, his voice low, almost a growl. "Look at him! It's unsightly." His tone was arrogant, his eyes glittering viciously as he smiled.

"I agree...we can't have freaks scaring the first years this early in the afternoon." James agreed. "Oi! Snivellus! Give us a smile, you're freaking the little ones out."

"Fuck off, Potter." Snape hissed, turning around.

"Oooh, not very friendly. There he was, giving you advice and you turn your back on him! That is simply rude, didn't your whore of a mother teach you manners?" Sirius said softly, watching the boy spin around, his face flushed and blotchy with fury.

"You shut up about my mother, Black!"

Sirius laughed, throwing his head back. "Yeah...I would if I didn't know that your mother is the fucking city bike! Apparently she's so poor she has to sell herself for a couple of Sickles!"

The curse rebounded from James's wand, hitting the wall. James grinned. "Now, now, calm down. We wouldn't want anyone getting hurt now would we?"

"James, Sirius...please...this is stupid! He hasn't done anything." Remus said, walking forward.

"I don't need any help form filthy half-breeds!" Snape spat. "You think you're so clever! Sneaking around, thinking no one would work it out! Well, you're a fool!"

"Shut your filthy mouth!" Sirius said suddenly, his face full of sudden, uncontrollable rage. "You don't even know what you're talking about! Take it back!"

Snape sneered. "No. You started this...And don't think I'm blind, Black...I know what you get up to with the Half-breed...like filthy fucking animals the both of yo-..." He fell backwards, an odd, strangled squawk leaving his lips as he collapsed in a heap.

"Sirius!" Remus grabbed his arm. "Stop it!" He managed to pull Sirius's wand from his fingers and step back.

"Give it back!" Sirius snarled furiously, his silver eyes glittering dangerously. "Give it back so I can curse his mouth shut for good! Moony..."

"No! I'm not going to watch you hurt him, not because of something so stupid." Remus pocketed the wand and turned away, walking towards the Hall. Sirius hissed air through his teeth and followed.

"Remus...give me my wand!" He snapped.

"No."

"Give..." Sirius didn't finish as Remus collapsed suddenly, crumpling to the floor with a soft gasp. There was a flash and a scream, James stood there, wand in hand and pointed at Snape who writhed on the floor, trying to stand up.

"Don't...don't you fucking dare hurt my friends you useless bastard!" James hissed, kicking Snape in the side. "How dare you point your wand at someone's back! You useless coward!"

Sirius helped Remus to his feet, he had a small cut on his neck that bled sluggishly. "Are you alright?" Sirius asked softly, worry tinting his eyes.

"I'm fine...it was nothing. James, stop it!" He said weakly. "I'm still alive..."

James looked up and nodded stiffly. "Touch my friends again and you'll regret it." He hissed as he passed the crumpled form of Snape.

Sirius paused as his friends trooped past him and into the Hall. He watched as Snape climbed to his feet and he felt the beginnings of an idea...a wonderful, totally brilliant idea that would be the perfect revenge for hurting his lover. He moved quickly, not wanting his friends to hear this and he dragged Snape up by the scruff of his robes, pulling him into the entrance to dungeons. He slammed him roughly against the wall and gazed into those scared black eyes. "You want to know what we get up to?" He asked slowly. Snape said nothing. "Well, tonight, go to the Whomping willow...use a stick to press the knot and it'll stop the branches...be quick because there are dangerous things in the woods at night, Snivellus." He whispered it, his eyes glued to Snape's and the other boy seemed enchanted, not even blinking as the tension swirled around them. "If you want to know what we do, follow those instructions..." He stepped back and dropped Snape, wiping his hands on his robes with a disgusted face. "Oh and take a bath, you stink." He turned on his heels and couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face.

That night Remus felt a difference in the air. There was something wrong with Sirius who was fidgety, his eyes gleaming with some insane emotion as he kept licking his lips and glancing out the window. Finally Remus went down to the Shrieking shack with Madam Pomfrey and as he left his friends outside the common room he saw Sirius looking excited, an odd energy swirling around him as his eyes darted around nervously.

That night the moon rose bloody in the night sky, a great bulbous crimson stain on pitch black. Sirius gazed up at it, the wind whipping his hair around his face, ignoring his friends mutters. He was hypnotised by it as he swayed slightly on his feet. Then someone nudged him in the back. "Get in there Pads, bring him out." James's voice hissed in his ear.

Sirius's smile was disturbing, and he nodded, changing into a dog and diving down the hole.

James stood, waiting for the dog and wolf to emerge. He was beneath the invisibility cloak so that the dark figure making its way down across the grounds didn't see him. James froze, his eyes wide as he watched Snape making his way towards the tree, James was certain he wouldn't go near it, not when he didn't know how to...it seemed he did know how to stop the trees dangerous branches. His eyes widened as Snape charmed a stick to fly at the knot stilling the trees. There was a tense moment of silence when he heard growls and yips from within the tunnel, Snape bent down, moving cautiously to the entrance to the passage way and James had time to see glowing eyes from within before he moved...

With the speed of his Quidditch training he grabbed Snape by the robes and hauled him bodily backwards. The wolf, a mass of snarling teeth and fur and glowing eyes leapt from the tunnel. It landed on James who had pushed Snape out of the way, he found himself gazing up into the eyes of the Wolf and was swamped by their glowing amber. Suddenly something black smashed into the side of the wolf, there were growls, yelps, snarls and flying fur as James climbed shakily to his feet.

It was the most horrendous thing he had ever seen, the dog and wolf fought with every ounce of their strength. The dog was making an obvious effort to guide the wolf back towards the tunnel entrance. James swallowed as he watched Sirius be smacked out of the way, he screamed and hit the tree with a nasty sounding crunch. The agony drove him out of his transformation and he lay still. James turned and saw Snape gaping at the wolf, seemingly unaware of anything else. The wolf growled and tensed, ready to pounce. James acted without conscious thought, once again grabbing Snape and yanking him to the floor, covering him with his own body.

The night was filled with a long, drawn out howl and a sudden, violent scream. James lifted his head to once again see the wolf fighting furiously with Sirius. Their battle escalated and James looked down at the body beneath him, Snape had passed out. He was on his feet in a second, running for all he was worth, he changed mid-run.

The stag charged, head down as it's antlers crashed into the side of the wolf as it pinned a whimpering dog to the ground by his throat. With the force of a train the Stag collided with the wolf, and stood, sides heaving and its head low as the Wolf prowled. Sirius climbed to his feet slowly, soft whimpers and pants escaping him, he suddenly turned tail, the wolf watching intently as he fled for the forest. A sudden howl rent the air coming from Sirius as he disappeared into the dark woods. The wolf paused for a split second before giving chase.

Sirius ran until he couldn't run anymore. He finally collapsed beneath a tree, losing control of his transformation and almost screaming in agony as his wounds burned. He clutched at his side, hissing air through his teeth and hearing the sound of feet padding across leaves. He closed his eyes as he felt hot breath on his face, slowly he opened them again and found himself gazing into amber. "I'm sorry..." he croaked. The wolf howled again, the noise splitting the air and making Sirius flinch. Then it growled at him opening those jaws, he had never seen so many teeth...

"Sir, please...It wasn't his fault!"

"I understand that James, however, the situation is very grave and I must speak with him."

Sirius heard the voices as if through a mist, it was oddly distorted and slowly he opened his eyes gazing up at the ceiling. It appeared he was lying in the hospital wing. He heard people in the bed next to him and turned his head slightly, he could see Dumbledore stood at the bottom of the bed looking stern.

"P-Professor...Please...I-I don't know what happened! I-I just woke up...in the woods and...and Sirius was with me and he w-was a m-mess...I-I don't know what happened..." Remus's voice was higher than it should have been, he was terrified. Bandages covered his arms and chest but he seemed unaware of his own injuries. His voice shook as badly as his hands as he leaned closer to Dumbledore begging him with his eyes. "Please...tell me I didn't...tell me he's ok!"

Sirius could hear the tears in his voice and heard James whispering something, Remus froze, his eyes moving to Sirius's bed. Their eyes locked. Something inside Sirius seemed to twist viciously and he had to swallow hard to stop himself from throwing up.

"It seems that Sirius is...most strangely, unharmed in any serious way, Remus." Dumbledore said calmly. "When we looked him over there were no bite wounds that we could see, only scratches. It seems as if you subconsciously recognised your friend."

"Friend?" James spat suddenly. "Friends don't betray each other." His hazel eyes lifted to Sirius's briefly and Sirius felt his world shatter, his heart froze in his chest and he felt cold...so desperately cold.

Remus simply sat there, eyes full of hurt. Sirius sat up slowly, ignoring the pain of his wounds and he hung his head. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"Yeah, because that makes everything better!" James hissed, Sirius heard his sharp footsteps and had time to look up before a fist hit him in the jaw. He fell out of bed and onto the floor, clutching at his face, blood filled his mouth and he groaned. "Sorry is not fucking good enough! You could have..."

"James, please." Remus whispered. "That's enough."

"Yeah, you're right, Moony...he's not fucking worth it."

Sirius lay there on the cold floor, hiding his face as he curled up into a ball on his side. He felt empty inside, as if his organs had been Vanished. Hands grasped his arm and he was pulled to his feet, he swayed slightly, dizziness threatening to make everything go black and by _Merlin_ did he want to just pass out...unconsciousness sounded much more preferable to having to watch his friends look at him with the same hatred his own parents had. He was pushed into the bed and simply sat there, staring at nothing, someone was dabbing at his split lip but he didn't care. The pain was just a slightly annoying buzz through his veins as the great weight of his actions crushed him. The sadness in Remus's eyes, the fury and hatred in James's...his chest tightened and he wanted to die.

"Sirius, I assume you understand the severity of your actions?"

Dumbledore was talking to him, but he couldn't answer. He would only stare vacantly into space.

Madam Pomfrey kept him in for observation, just in case the wolf had bitten him and he would show signs of Lycanthropy, which he knew he wouldn't...he was certain that only Humans contracted it and when the wolf had bitten him he had been a dog. However, due the nature of the beast, the massive claw marks on his thighs would never fully fade, they would be a permanent reminder of his betrayal.

Remus stayed in the Hospital Wing for a few days after but he didn't speak, even when they were alone, they simply sat in silence. Sirius's heart couldn't take much more and he found himself withdrawing from everything, hiding from people by sinking into his own head. Anything was preferable to the cold, terrifying silences and the freezing wall that had been erected between them.

It was horrible. When he was released from the Hospital Wing he ended up standing in the hall for a long time, simply gazing at the stair case which seemed to have taken on a life of its own, like a sleeping Giant ready to wake and crush Sirius beneath its stone fist. He didn't have the courage to face them...he couldn't...but he had nowhere else to go. Each step was like walking to his own death, which he decided would be preferable to this agonising pain he was having to endure. He couldn't understand it, a massive weight was threatening to force him to the floor and as he reached the last stair case before reaching the Portrait he finally collapsed. He fell to his knees shaking slightly as he gazed up the stairs dreading having to speak the password and enter the common room. Fear gripped him until he wanted to turn tail and run, but he couldn't...he deserved it. He deserved their hatred, their looks, their punches...he deserved every nasty comment, every mutter of Traitor, every ounce of pain they could bring down upon him he deserved it all. And so, he stood, straightening his back ready to face his punishment. When he reached the portrait the Fat Lady gazed down at him. "S-Salamander..." he muttered and the Fat Lady swung open with a small shake of her head. He crawled into the Common room and his eyes scanned the room, people sat around doing homework, talking and doing any other perfectly normal activity. Sirius felt as if he was in a bubble, a poisonous, evil bubble that if anyone else spent more than five seconds in his company, they would be tainted too. So, he lowered his head and slunk off to the dormitories.

He slipped in through the door and heard someone clear their throat, he looked up through his hair and saw James leaning against the post of his bed, Remus lay on his own, curled up in tight ball and not speaking. Peter simply glanced at Sirius before looking down at an interesting hole in his bed spread. Sirius took a deep breath and straightened himself out, his eyes meeting James's.

The silence in the room was oppressive. "So, you gunna tell me why you acted like the fucking Slytherin you were so obviously meant to be?"

Sirius flinched violently and took a step back from the vehemence in James's voice. "I...I have no idea." He whispered. "I'm sorry..."

James made a derisive noise. "You make me sick, you know that?" He said, looking at Sirius with a hatred he was used to.

Sirius's hands shook by his sides. "I'm sorry." He said again, he couldn't say anything else.

"I just wish we could get you re-sorted because sharing a Dorm with you for the next year and a half is going to really test my patience." He pushed himself away from the bed post and walked towards Sirius, who backed off until his back hit the wall. James slammed his fist into the wall beside Sirius's head and he flinched again. "I want nothing to do with filthy Traitors." He hissed.

Sirius hung his head, nodding.

"Say something! For fucks sake! You are such a fucking coward!"

"I-I...I'm sorry...James...I..."

"Shut up! I don't want to hear your excuses...I wanted you to know just what you have done to Moony, he hasn't said a fucking word since it happened. It's not me you should be apologising to, It's him...and it's also up to him if he forgives you or not...but I told him he shouldn't. Obviously I was wrong about you...You're just like them...you're just like your family." James frowned furiously. "Look at me!" he snapped and Sirius lifted his head, gazing unwillingly into those hate filled eyes. He felt something shatter inside him, like a mirror and he reeled, leaning heavily against the wall and gasping in deep breaths of air.

"Please...I-I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." he whispered.

"I should hit you again." James replied coldly. "But Moony reckons you've had enough." He stepped back. "Don't talk to me..." He turned his back and Sirius slipped down the wall. "Ever."


	10. Chapter Ten: Guilty

_**A/N: FYI: If you want to know what music I write the smut to It's usually GACKT-Lust For Blood (A Japanese Band Pop/Rock) and Florence and the Machine-Howl! Two rather appropriate songs! :D Try reading this while listening to those songs...then you'll get the idea of the kind of atmosphere I'm going for! Anyways, thank you very much to the ever faithful Reviewer TechNomaNcer28, you are my favourite person EVER! XD Enjoy and keep letting me know what you think! (Oh and if you're wondering why there's so much smut then I will say only this: Horny Teenagers.)**_

Chapter Ten: Guilty

Sirius sat on the floor, not moving. Peter looked terrified and suddenly hopped up, he opened his mouth as if to speak but shook his head, looking away from Sirius and rushing out the door. Sirius was alone with Remus, who hadn't moved from his position on the bed and as Sirius watched him he felt his guts twist viciously and he clambered to his feet, running to the bathroom and dropping to his knees before the toilet just in time...

Remus heard Sirius throwing up as he gazed at nothing. His fingers gripped the pillow beneath his head and he felt that awful sense of betrayal engulf him once more, he closed his eyes tightly. James had told him everything, Snape had told Dumbledore that Sirius had told him how to get past the Whomping Willow and that James had pulled him back just in time, and saved his life. Sirius had betrayed him. He had trusted his friends, they had become Animagi for him, he had felt safe in the knowledge that they would never hurt him or...use him. He curled further in on himself, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter. He felt as if everything had been a lie, that Sirius had allowed someone to discover his secret, had even enticed them right into the den and nearly had them murdered was all too much. He heard the sound of soft footsteps, they paused and he pretended to be asleep, he didn't want to talk, he didn't want anything to do with him. Finally he heard a soft sigh and the sound of bed curtains closing, then, through the half darkness he heard a whisper...

"I didn't mean to hurt you...I'm...so...sorry..."

Remus didn't reply. He lay there, listening to the quiet sounds of the dorm as Sirius went silent. It was a heavy, pregnant silence that made him want to cry, but he couldn't even do that. He could have killed Snape, he could have killed or infected Sirius...he was a monster and the encounter had simply served to prove the point. He could clearly see, in his mind's eye, the mess Sirius had been in when he had woken up in the forest. He had seen the teeth marks, blood seeping from the wounds and he had felt his whole world fall about him. James had appeared, he had healed the teeth marks, explaining that he had bitten him when he was a dog, not as a human and there was no way he could become a Werewolf. But it didn't make anything better...because James had then told him that Sirius had lured Snape to the shack, Sirius had all but told him that Remus was a werewolf...and the darkness had been impossible to hold at bay. Snape was unharmed, just scared, and Dumbledore had sworn him to secrecy...but the possibility had still been there, Sirius had still shattered six years of trust and friendship with his actions. And Remus didn't even know why.

The next two weeks were the worst of Sirius's life. He ate alone, he woke alone, he walked the corridors alone...everything was covered in a blanket of grey fog. Even his birthday was spent alone, curled up on his bed as he wished he could turn back time and stop himself from telling Snape...but, now he was seventeen and he had to concentrate on finding a place he could live. James had made it pretty clear he would never forgive Sirius for breaking trust so he got hold of the Daily Prophet and began distracting himself by trying to find a flat somewhere.

One day he sat in the Great Hall, staring blankly at the table while people chatted and laughed and he felt more alone than ever...someone tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up into dark eyes. The girl smiled at him.

"Hey, you look like you could use some company; want to go to Hogsmeade with me?"

Sirius looked her up and down before shrugging and standing. "Come on then..." he took her hand and she smiled. "What's your name?"

"Celeste, Celeste Rosier..."

Sirius turned, raising an eyebrow. "Evan Rosier's cousin?" He asked slowly. "Slytherin? You know you're breaking every pureblood rule by doing this, don't you?"

She smirked. "Of course. But everyone's been saying that you're changing and well...I kinda hoped the rumours were true..." She stepped close to him, batting her eyelashes.

"Rumours?"

"That you lured that Snape boy into a trap and tried to kill him for being half-blood and being friends with that red headed Mudblood..."

Sirius looked away. "What would you do if they were true?" he asked, mechanically.

"I'd say that your parents should know you're not so bad after all..."

"Well, sorry to disappoint you...I didn't do it because of his blood status and Evans isn't friends with him anymore from what I understand...not after what he called her."

She pouted. "Ah well...we can still have some fun, my parents won't mind...even if you are a blood-traitor."

Sirius let her pull him into the crowd of people all waiting to go to Hogsmeade. He felt numb inside, his heart hardly seeming to beat as he stood beside the girl. He felt eyes on him and turned his head slightly, only to find Remus watching him from the top of the stairs. James at his side, James's eyes landed on the girl and he looked disgusted, he grabbed Remus's arm and pulled him away. Sirius looked at his feet.

They went straight to the Three Broomsticks and sat at the bar, Sirius gazed around leaning on one hand when the pretty, young barmaid walked over to them, smiling. "What can I get you?"

"Firewhisky." Sirius said.

Rosemerta raised an eyebrow. "How old are you, Sirius Black?"

"Seventeen, for crying out loud. I wouldn't order alcohol from you unless I was, would I?"

She snorted. "I wouldn't believe it from you, you tried when you were in fourth year, if I remember correctly and my father had to refuse you." She smiled at Sirius's innocent expression. "But, seeing as I know it was your birthday just recently I'll be kind...and what will your young lady like?"

"Oh...Gillywater for me, please." Celeste said with a smile.

Rosemerta busied herself preparing their drinks and Sirius felt Celeste's hand on his leg, slowly sliding up his thigh. He watched it absently for a second, he was surprised to feel nothing. "Here you go, loves...enjoy." She waved away Sirius's money. "It's on the house, happy birthday."

Sirius thanked her and tossed back his drink, Rosemerta raising both eyebrows and refilling his glass automatically. "You should slow down, don't want you causing trouble in my pub, young man."

Sirius smirked. "Would I? I'm offended, Rosemerta."

She snorted and slid his glass back into his palm. "You'd cause anyone trouble if the mood took you, Sirius Black...now drink up before I change my mind about giving you free drinks." She disappeared to serve another customer and Sirius's smile fell from his face as he gazed into the amber liquid in his glass. The heat from the alcohol was at least making him feel something.

Later his head was feeling pleasantly fuzzy, he listened to Celeste talk as he drank glass after glass. At one point he disappeared off to the toilet and when he returned Celeste pushed his glass back into his hand, standing on tippy toe to whisper in his ear. "Let's get out of here..." She breathed against his ear, he nodded and downed the rest of his drink before stumbling out into the evening air. As he walked his vision started to go funny and he frowned, stumbling slightly. "Are you ok?" Celeste's voice was like a distant echo as he fell into a wall. "Sirius...?"

"Ung..." He blinked, trying to clear his fuzzy vision but was brutally unsuccessful. "Wha...wha' did...you put in my drink...?" He managed to speak, though his mouth hardly seemed to want to work. He saw Celeste smirk, her hand reaching up and brushing hair from his face.

"Oh, this was way too easy..." She said with a small giggle. "You just let yourself walk straight into a trap, all because a pretty girl asked you out? You're pathetic, Black. Like I'd ever stain myself by touching a traitor like you?" She laughed and shadows seemed to detach themselves from the walls around them.

Sirius pushed himself away from the wall. "Bitch..." he muttered before falling forward, his knees hitting hard cobbles. Laughter filled his ears, but he couldn't concentrate on it. His body felt light and his head was swimming. He had taken drugs before but never unknowingly, and he had no idea what she had given him. But he also knew that whatever the men surrounding him had planned, he would deserve everything...Because she was right, he was a traitor...a filthy, useless traitor who betrayed his best friend, his lover...

Remus stepped out of the portrait hole and almost fell flat on his face as his feet caught on something on the ground. He stumbled but managed to catch himself, his eyes drifted downward and he saw a crumpled heap. "Sirius!" he gasped, kneeling down and rolling him over, he could hear the soft snores from the Fat Lady but only had eyes for the boy on the floor. Sirius was covered in bruises, his jeans dirty and torn, his shirt ripped open and large letters had been carved into his chest with a knife:

_Blood traitor._

His face was white, a nasty bruise on his jaw and what appeared to be hand prints on his throat. He was breathing heavily and his eyes flickered open, Remus couldn't stop the gasp from slipping past his lips. Sirius's eyes were black, his pupils huge and as he tried to speak blood dripped from the corner of his mouth, finally it all proved too much for him and his head fell back, his eyes rolling back into his head. Remus sat there, numb shock freezing him to the spot while he ran shaking fingers through Sirius's hair, he felt tears sting his eyes as they lingered on the awful words scrawled across his chest. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Sirius's eyes refused to open, his head was pounding horribly and he felt violently sick. There was something that his brain was trying to remember...but it was like trying to catch smoke in his hands.

"This was not an attack by Students, Headmaster."

Sirius could hear Madam Pomfrey speaking in hushed tones, she sounded afraid.

"And what makes you say that, Poppy?"

"The curses used, no student would ever dare..." She trailed off before taking a shuddery breath. "Also...what they did to him, this was an attack by adults. I would hate to think that students would actually dare do...do that to someone."

"What is the damage? I must know."

There was the sound of something shifting, probably Pomfrey shifting nervously. "Albus, they drugged him with something, I don't know what, but then they...it seems, judging by the internal damage, he was..." She sighed heavily. "Tortured...brutally."

Dumbledore was silent for a long time, Sirius felt his heart stop in his chest...then slowly begin beating again. He deserved it. He didn't need pride when he had destroyed his best friend. He didn't deserve dignity when he had hurt Remus so badly. His wounds, his trauma were well deserved.

"Poppy, please keep him here, under strict observation...I will address the school and maybe find out if anything suspicious was spotted. I will also be cancelling all further trips to Hogsmeade...if this was indeed a Death Eater attack, we cannot risk more."

Sirius heard the headmaster leave and he lay perfectly still, his mind oddly calm as he considered all he had heard. He remembered going to the Three Broomsticks with Celeste, but he didn't remember leaving...the last of his memories were foggy, he saw faces, cruel and dark...he could hear laughter, and he felt cold hands on him, pinning him down while they dug something into his chest...and that was it.

When he next woke, he could open his eyes. He gazed up at the ceiling and took a shaky breath, slowly sitting up. A voice made him jump.

"Sirius!"

He turned to see Remus standing by his bed, James at his side looking awkward. He said nothing, he couldn't even look at them, so he covered his face with his hair and drew his knees to his bandaged chest.

"H-How...how are you?" Remus moved forward, placing his hand on Sirius's shoulder, he jerked away violently, the touch reminding him of cold hands in the dark. Remus snatched his hand away quickly, his eyes wide and confused. "Sorry..." he muttered.

Sirius buried his face in his knees. "Don't...don't be. It's...I...I don't deserve your kindness...Please, hate me. Hate me...because it's the only way I can make up for what I did to you. Hate me!" he nearly shouted the last, but bit down on his lip to stop it.

"I can't hate you." Remus said softly. "I tried...I really, really tried...but I can't."

Sirius finally lifted his head and Remus gazed into eyes that were too dark, too dead. He tried not to show the fear on his face. "Why? Why can't you hate me? James is right! I'm a traitor! There's this..._thing_...inside me! It's dark...It's dark and evil and painful and I-I can't control it! I'm dangerous! I'm going to do it again! I'll betray you all! James knows it!"

James looked away, guilt obvious on his face. "I...I was wrong." He said slowly. "I was angry and I blamed you...but...we all make mistakes, and if Remus is willing to forgive you then maybe I can too."

Sirius gazed at his friends incredulously. "You're both idiots." He said softly.

"Sirius..." Remus sat down slowly, being careful not to touch him. "What happened? All we know was that some Death Eaters managed to get hold of you...but then...how did you get back into the castle? Who was it? Why did they do it?"

Sirius shook his head slowly. "I can't answer that." He said hoarsely. "Last I remember was going to the pub and drinking with Celeste and then..." he paused, gazing into the distance while he once again saw those pale faces, distorted by the drugs that had been flowing through his system. "...It was...dark...and I..." he shook his head, shoving fingers into his hair. "I can't remember."

"It's alright...we won't push for information." James said slowly. "But you knew that girl was Slytherin..."

"Of course I did! She's one of my numerous cousins..." Sirius snapped. "I'm not a fool."

"Then...why did you go with her? You can't trust a Slytherin!"

"I didn't trust her...I wanted..." He glanced at Remus, whose eyes darkened. "I wanted...to forget...to..."

"To shag her?" James said shaking his head. "Man, you know how to pick 'em. Just because she's got a nice pair of tits on her, doesn't mean you should try and get into her knickers."

Sirius chuckled at that, feeling the tension leave him slightly. But he still couldn't bring himself to look at Remus. "I don't understand you...any of you...I...I betrayed you. I hurt you...why would you forgive something like that?"

"No one was hurt except you." Remus said, managing to keep his voice steady as he forced away the jealousy and anger at the thought of Sirius sleeping with another. "And...James said that you...that you went for me, you tried to stop me from killing Snape...and for that I'm grateful."

Later Remus snuck back into the Hospital Wing, casting a quick silencing charm on Madam Pomfrey's door, he walked over to Sirius's bed and gazed down at him. He was fast asleep, hair falling across one cheek as he breathed slowly. Yet he couldn't have been dreaming anything nice, his face was contorted slightly and he looked like he was in pain. Remus leaned down, brushing fingers through his hair and pressing his lips to his. Slowly Sirius's eyes opened but he didn't move. He felt strange, he had been in the grips of a nightmare and now he was having a rather pleasant dream. He lifted his arms, encircling Remus and dragging him closer, his lips parted slightly and allowed Remus's tongue to enter his mouth. Remus's eyes opened and he drew away slightly, hair falling onto Sirius's face. "You're an idiot, Mr. Black." He whispered. "And...apparently so am I." He smiled weakly and kissed him again.

"This is too nice...I should be having nightmares...not dreams." Sirius whispered, pulling Remus bodily onto the bed. "Don't ever let me wake up."

"Promise." Remus replied.

Things were awkward for a long time afterwards, the Marauders seemed quieter, less playful and Sirius accepted that they would all need time to adjust. But, eventually things got better again and soon the teachers were once again tearing their hair out due to things suddenly exploding, people turning into giant confectionary and by far Sirius's favourite; Severus Snape ending up having his hands turn into spoons which tried to attack him at dinner.

Sirius still felt that awful tension in Remus whenever he was near but it lessened as time went on, he also found that Remus became rougher, more dominant and he began to express his anger by taking it out on Sirius's body. Sirius accepted this as his punishment, he was still plagued by guilt and when Remus's hands closed over his throat and he was told to shut up, he did so without question. He came away bloody from these encounters, bloody and yet he still found himself begging for more as Remus pushed his face into the pillow at night to muffle the sounds.

Remus couldn't control the rage that flooded him, every time he was near Sirius he remembered what he had done and the wolf demanded blood. He felt terrible afterwards but Sirius merely smiled at him, kissing him gently and assured him everything was alright...he only wished he could believe him. It felt as if poison was running through his veins, his love for Sirius was turning into something dark, something terrible and he had the strongest feeling that they were going to destroy each other, allowing their passion and lust to rip them to shreds until there was nothing left. But...he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop his hands from choking off Sirius's air supply, he couldn't stop his teeth from digging deep into his flesh, he couldn't prevent the intense need to hurt him, to make him scream into the pillow at night...the silencing charms preventing sound from escaping their closed off bed. The love was turning on them both, twisting itself into something else, something dangerous...but it was addictive. Neither could let the other go, neither could stop the adrenaline, the pure, unadulterated rage from overcoming them until they woke covered in blood and bruises and barely able to even look at each other.

Summer drew closer, looming just over the horizon and Sirius told James that he had found a flat and he would be moving in when they returned. They had all managed to pass their Apparition tests with distinction and Sirius found himself looking forward to having his own place, his own home...he could fill it with the things he wanted without having to worry about whether he would end up with broken ribs for it. He relished the idea of this new freedom, he was bouncing up and down as they boarded the train for the summer. James was oddly quiet, his eyes on Remus as he read his book quietly, Sirius talked almost non-stop, he was practically bouncing up and down in his seat...

"You guys will have to come see it! It's amazing! I'm going to fill it with awesome!" he grinned. "And I want you guys to stay over, of course, we can stay up all night and get totally rat arsed! There won't be any parents...and there are no rules in my house! Also-..."

"Sirius, shut up." Remus snapped. Sirius fell silent snapping his mouth closed and glancing warily at Remus, who was in a bad mood for some unknown reason.

James felt the tension, it made him feel uncomfortable as he shifted nervously in his seat. He had no idea what his friends were hiding but he didn't like it when he saw Sirius with bruises around his neck, or scratch marks down his back. He hated seeing Remus with bruises on his arms, and what he was sure was human teeth marks on his shoulders. Sirius turned to gaze out the window, his eyes darkening like the clouds outside, heavy with rain.

Peter felt as if he was the only one who knew. James seemed suspicious but he was certain his friend had no idea exactly why Sirius would spend a day limping slightly, or why Remus didn't like Sirius touching him during the day. He had heard the noises at night, sometimes they forgot the Charms and Peter would wake to hear disturbing noises coming from either Sirius's or Remus's beds. The soft moans, the whispers, the sharp cries of pain and the sound of sweaty skin and tangled covers...He had tried to bring it up, but he hadn't been able to find the courage, especially after he had accidently encountered them in the second floor bathroom. He had never been able to erase that image from his mind, watching Sirius push himself deep inside Remus's body while Remus muttered obscenities he rarely said in company. Peter flushed at the mere memory of it, he hadn't liked it...it had been weird and made him feel slightly sick, but he knew it did happen, it was just strange seeing his normally composed, calm friend with sweat sticking his hair to his forehead, his finger nails scraping desperately at the toilet door while he moaned and came with a violent shudder.

The train whizzed through the countryside, the sky finally giving in to the inevitable rain. Remus had fallen asleep, his face pressed to the cool glass as his book slid from his fingers and landed on the floor with a thump. Sirius leaned down, picking it up and stowing it into the overhead rack before dragging out his own cloak and throwing it over the sleeping Werewolf. James sighed heavily, watching students pass back and forth outside, he sat up abruptly when a girl with dark red hair passed. Her green eyes met his and he smiled, her returning smile was fleeting but made his heart stutter pleasantly in his chest. His hand went automatically to his hair and Sirius watched as he frowned and let it drop to his side, Lily paused. The compartment door slid open and she smiled around at everyone, Sirius gazed at her as if she had grown two heads.

"Hi, can I join you? My friends are busy..." Her eyes met James's and his smile widened happily, he moved over, shoving Pete to the floor and patted the seat beside him.

"You are more than welcome to sit with us, dear Lady."

Sirius rolled his eyes, knowing James was going to be insufferable after this. "So, Evans, what made you change your mind about sitting with the cool kids?" He said with a smile.

Lily's eyes narrowed slightly, she looked him up and down, seeing faded bruises on his exposed arms and what looked like scratch marks across his pale skin. "There's no room anywhere else, Black...and I would hardly call you my first choice of people I would spend time with."

"So cruel." Sirius replied with a sigh. "Anyone would think you don't appreciate the hard work that goes into making ourselves Kings of the School."

She snorted derisively, rolling her eyes. "From the rumours that are flying around, I wouldn't call you king of anything...unless you call being a slut an achievement."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, it disappeared into his fringe. His grey eyes glinted like steel daggers. "Oh? A feisty one I see...my _favourite_ kind..." His voice was low, like a growl.

James shot him a glare, "Ignore him, you're more than welcome to sit with us." He said, trying to charm her back into a good mood so she wouldn't leave.

Lily did smile, her eyes lingering on the wounds that she realised were more than likely sexual. The girls who she had spoken to all said that Sirius was rougher than normal, and she decided that he had obviously found someone who shared his taste for violence. Her eyes moved to Remus, he looked Ill again and she sighed feeling pity well up within her, he looked completely at peace as he slept slumped against the window, a cloak over his shoulders and a small smile on his lips. Sirius moved, his hands lifting the blanket further up onto Remus's shoulders, fingers lingering on his cheek before he drew away with a softness in his eyes that Lily had never thought she would see on that aristocratic face. Remus shifted and murmured in his sleep, a name slipped past his lips and Sirius smiled. James only had eyes for Lily, he watched her watch Remus and a sudden, awful fear rose within him...did she like Remus? Was she...in love with Remus? He pushed away the panic those thoughts threw up, he didn't want to ruin this moment because, as the stormy light flooded their small compartment and hit her face, he realised he was looking at an angel.

Peter sat beside Sirius feeling decidedly uncomfortable, he saw James watching Lily as he spoke softly, trying to make her laugh. Sirius lounged in his seat, his eyes darting to Remus who remained asleep. He felt awkward, as if he was intruding on a double date and he hated it. He hated feeling left out of everything, the fact that James was so obviously in love with Lily Evans was no secret, he made a great show of it whenever he could, announcing it from the roof tops...but he still felt jealous, because James was one of the few people who treated him kindly. Sirius was cruel, laughing at his misfortune, but then...Sirius laughed at everyone's misfortune so he really didn't think he was different in that sense. Remus was kind, but he seemed far away as well, so only James seemed to pay him much attention...and now that attention was being pulled away by the red head sat opposite. He liked the reflected glory he gained from hanging around with James and Sirius, he basked in it, because when he was with them he was someone. People actually liked the pair, they were closer than brothers, almost, it seemed, they were supposed to be the same person just put into two different bodies. He had been given a nickname and even though he hated it, he also liked it, it made him part of something. But still, the jealousy he felt as he watched James talking to Evans and Sirius gazing longingly at Remus was horrible and he sank low into his seat, glaring at Lily until she turned to him and then he would smile.

**END NOTE: Ok, to whoever is wasting their precious time flaming me: Love, seriously, unless you have a well formed argument as to why you do not like my story then I will ask you, with all possible politeness, to please take your immature, baseless comments elsewhere. And also, nearly all my friends are expert Trolls, I know one when I see one, please try harder next time and I may actually give you credit for making me laugh...Now, I understand that you are probably twelve years old and have almost no understanding of the real world but seriously, please try to grow up and realise that your comments make me feel nothing slight amusement at your failure. In the words of a real Troll: Fail Troll is Fail. So, thank you for giving me a chance to roll my eyes and think how wonderful it must be to not be weighed down by the terrible burden of brains. :)**

**For those of my fans who actually have brains, thank you for being so kind and letting me know what you think. I can appreciate your compliments. XD**


	11. Chapter Eleven: Banks, Bikes and Black's

_**A/N: A nice, humorous chapter for your hungry eyes! :D No smut, but I thought it was funny! I wrote it listening to The Beatles! Please review...I'm never sure about the dynamics when I write socialising scenes...and I honestly don't think I'm all that funny to be honest...my sense of humour is weird. :/**_

_**Also, Flamer, I must say that I am flattered you take your time commenting, but it's all a bit repetitive and boring. In all honesty, if you don't like it, don't read it. It's simple. I write my stories to help me improve my writing skills, so, unless you have something constructive to say, don't bother. (And I find it slightly disturbing that you seem to insist on stereotyping people in such a way, this tells me you are either very young or very naive, because you obviously don't understand the real world. People cannot be put into 'Black' and 'white' roles, because real relationships simply don't work that way. Any Gay couple will tell you that they don't stick to roles, they switch regularly. And please, keep in mind that people **__**are**__** animals...we are Mammals, created by nature, just like everything else on earth and some people are very much into Violence in a sexual sense. So really, you are proving yourself to be immature and making yourself look rather stupid.) **_

_**To my other reviewers, I apologise for the long A/N's...I am tired of having my e-mail clogged by pointless reviews. Thank you for reading, and please keep letting me know what you think.**_

Chapter Eleven: Banks, Bikes and Black's

Sirius stood in the entrance to his flat, well, it was more of a Penthouse. With the money he had inherited from his Uncle, he had been able to afford much more than a tiny little flat on the outskirts, and so he had gone for luxury. The Penthouse was in Hyde Park, Knightsbridge and was six thousand square feet of exquisite refinement, directly overlooking The Serpentine on South Carriage drive, adjacent to the Royal Horse Guards Cavalry. The accommodation boasted two reception and entertaining rooms, a huge kitchen, three bedroom suites including a master bedroom suite with his and 'hers' bathrooms and dressing rooms, direct lift access and two terrace roof gardens. In addition, the magnificent three-sixty degree views took in the park, the London skyline, the City, the West End and the Palace of Westminster.

He grinned, knowing his parents would despise him for being able to afford such exquisite grandeur. The walls were cream, with an aubergine coloured shag pile rug and dark hard wood floors polished to perfection. The lamps matched the carpet and the only sofa could have seated the whole of Gryffindor house, if they didn't mind being squashed against each other. Sirius's luggage arrived shortly after him, a short man with flyaway hair huffed and puffed as he dropped the heavy trunk in the entrance. Sirius stood with his hands on his hips, turning to the man expectantly. There was silence for a moment before the man spluttered indignantly.

"Are you expecting me to carry your luggage into the flat?" He said in an outraged voice.

"Are you trying to tell me that's not what you're here for?" Sirius countered.

"No I am not! You insufferable, arrogant young man! I am your landlord, not a bus boy!"

"Could've fooled me." Sirius replied, folding his arms across his chest. "Time is galleons, mister." He said impatiently and the man gaped at him.

"Why you..." He began but thought of the amount of gold that was waiting to be transferred into his account. He picked up the cases with an angry huff and began dragging them across the floor, towards the master bedroom. Sirius watched him with a smirk, enjoying taunting the little man, because he had gold, lots of gold...a seemingly _endless_ amount of gold. All thanks to his Uncle. He felt an upsurge of affection for the deceased man and smiled nostalgically as he fell onto the sofa and gazed up at the ceiling.

"Right..." The man returned, waving his wand as a briefcase appeared from thin air, he sat opposite Sirius and drew out a thick sheaf of parchment. "Please read the lease and contract and sign on the dotted line..." He shoved them forward along with the ink and quill. He watched as Sirius took the quill, scanning the documents with a small frown before nodding and bending to place his signature to the line. When Sirius was done he shoved the parchment back at the man and leaned back, arms spread out like royalty and a lazy grin on his face. He read the signature and paled slightly. "I...I uh..." It was an elaborate signature, with graceful looping curls that gave the impression that this rough, seemingly uncultured boy had been tutored in calligraphy. "Mr...Mr...Black?" His eyes met those silver grey ones.

"Yes...I am a Black. However, not proud to be one."

"I-I see..." He muttered, still completely amazed and somehow not all that surprised. The boy acted as if he owned everything his feet touched, he walked as if he had been schooled in the type of posh finishing school Muggle Royals went to and the man assumed that he could probably hold a dinner party for the Queen of England and not embarrass himself. "Well...I guess that's everything. If you need anything else, or have any further questions, you know where my office is." He stood and held out his hand, Sirius took it in a firm grip but it was brief, bordering on rude.

"Yes, of course." Sirius said, ushering the man towards the door. "Nice meeting you...bye bye..." He shut the door in the man's face before turning and admiring his new home. Yes, he could finally call somewhere home. He grinned to himself and ran towards a random door, shoving it open and gazing around in awe. It was spectacular! The Master bedroom was huge, a large round bed was the centre piece, the walls were the same shade of cream as the rest. There were two large bathrooms with bright orange and white tiles, the bath was sunk into the floor like an old roman one and best of all, Sirius thought as he threw himself onto the bed with his arms splayed, not a snakes head in sight!

It took him a while to make everything perfect, he made sure to make his mark on the place. Soon his bedroom was covered in posters, Muggle ones mostly, of half naked girls and his life-long obsession: Motorbikes. He put his clothes away and realised that all he had were a few old Muggle clothes and his school robes, which just wouldn't do at all. And so he sent his owl to tell Remus, James and Peter to meet him outside the Leaky Cauldron. He arrived slightly late and ran over to them, panting. Remus smiled at him in greeting and he beamed back. James dragged him into an embrace before releasing him and Peter nodded his head in greeting. "So, what do you need help with?" James asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I am in need of some new garments." Sirius said slowly, Remus looked down and saw that his jeans were tatty, a hole had been ripped in one knee and he was pretty sure the t-shirt Sirius was wearing was about seven years old judging by the faded colours of the Muggle rock band The Beatles. Sirius's Converse were in disrepair, they could all see his toe sticking out from a hole. "Stop staring! I know I look a state!" He muttered, scuffing the toe of his unlaced shoe on the ground.

"Why do you need help with that?" James asked, confused.

Sirius flushed slightly. "I have no idea how to use Muggle money." He said softly. "And its muggle clothes I'll be needing...except for some new Dress Robes...and maybe some casual wear robes..." He ran fingers through his hair, avoiding everyone's gaze.

"Well, I don't know why you asked me!" James exclaimed. "I'm not going to be much help! All that paper confuses the hell out of me..."

Remus sighed. "Alright, fine. I'll teach you. But first we'll need to withdraw some money from your account and get it exchanged for Muggle money."

They went to Gringotts and Sirius stood in the line for withdrawals. He waited impatiently, he didn't want to tell his friends that the real reason he had wanted to go shopping lay in his pocket, a crumpled piece of Muggle magazine he had managed to rip out of a magazine in a library. He kept making sure it was still there, hopping slightly from one foot to the other. When they reached the desk the Goblin held out his hand. "What can I do for you?" He asked, gazing down at the boys with beady black eyes.

Something in Sirius seemed to change, he didn't like the way the goblin was looking at him, as if he was a lower being. He straightened his back automatically. Remus looked sideways at him and almost sighed, resisting the urge to stamp on Sirius's foot, Sirius's eyes were heavily lidded and he was sneering in an apparently completely unconscious manner. "I wish to enter my vault, Goblin." He said coldly.

"Sirius!" Remus hissed, eyes darting around nervously as the other Goblins began looking up from their work.

"And your name is...?" the Goblin replied, his voice going ever colder.

"Sirius Black." Sirius declared in a firm voice.

"Ah...Mr. Black...I apologise for my earlier rudeness, please come right this way." The Goblin stepped down and led the way towards the doors to the vaults. They climbed into the cart, Sirius grinned at James over his shoulder and mouthing how much he loved this bit. They whizzed through the tunnels, Sirius's laughter being torn away by the speed they were going at. James was grinning and Remus began to feel a little bit sick. Peter clung on for all he was worth, marvelling at how deep they were going. He had never been so far down, his own vault being nearer the surface. Finally the cart came to juddering halt, Remus was thrown forward, into Sirius's back. "Vault 711." The Goblin said and climbed out. The boys followed, Peter and Remus gazing around at the dank, damp walls.

"Wow...Sirius, I've never been this far down before!" Peter muttered. "It's cold."

Sirius shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder how you could be pureblood, Peter." He muttered.

Peter flushed with humiliation, but stood back when the Goblin indicated. The Goblin pressed his hand to the vault and the door simply seemed to melt away. Peter peeked around Sirius and his eyes widened, a massive heap of yellow gold sat in the middle, there were also heaps of silver and bronze but he also noticed glittering jewels and some jewellery, he gasped, he had never seen so much gold! Sirius stepped in, hardly seeming to glance around, he scooped some money into a bag that he tucked into his pocket before stepping back out. "If you think this is a lot, Pete, you should see the family vault...not that I'm allowed access to that."

"You mean...all _that_ is yours?" Peter exclaimed, he sounded envious.

"Yeah...it's not much, but I'll get by." He smirked, enjoying Peter's jealousy.

"Ah, poor Wormtail, you haven't even seen my family vault have you?" James said, grinning as he threw his arms around Peter's shoulders. "There's plenty in that one too. Must be hard, being surrounded by handsome rich guys like us." He laughed as they climbed back into the cart.

Once they had changed the gold into Muggle money Sirius and his friends sat outside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour and Remus began trying to teach Sirius about Muggle money...which was like trying to teach a heard of angry Hippogriff's how to dance.

"No, Sirius, for the last time...that's a ten! See, there's a little number in the corner..." Remus pointed to the number.

"Why does it have a picture of some old woman on it?" Sirius asked, pointing to the picture of the Queen on a Ten pound note.

"That's the Queen of England!" Remus exclaimed in exasperation. He was getting even more annoyed due to the fact that his ice cream Sunday was melting and he had yet to reach the chocolate sauce at the bottom. James was leaning over, gazing at the odd paper money in fascination.

"Wow...Muggles are weird. They don't even use gold! How is this rubbish worth anything? Look, the pictures aren't even moving!" James laughed.

"So...This is ten...?" Sirius said holding up the note. "And...and this is..." He frowned at it, then smiled. "Fifty?"

"Yes! Thank Merlin for your wonderful brain, Mr. Padfoot." Remus hissed, sucking his spoon where he sat low in his seat.

Sirius looked slightly affronted. "I was going to buy you something nice as a thank you present but now I don't think I will." He sniffed.

Finally they went shopping in Muggle London, Sirius and James walked around with mouths half open as they gazed around at the sights. Shops that sold things that weren't magical, yet they seemed to hold more magic because of it. Sirius spent his time staring into shop windows before remembering why he was doing this in the first place. He bought lots of new clothes, the bags of which he shrunk surreptitiously and put in his pockets. Then he spotted his final destination and felt his mouth water, his fingers found the crumpled bit of magazine as he stopped across the street from the Garage. There it was...in all it's shining beauty! Silver and black steel, soft leather and an engine that sounded like the roar of a dragon. He felt his pulse quicken as he imagined himself sat astride the beast, and he let slip a groan of longing so desperate Remus looked at him.

"Want..." Sirius moved, startling his friends as he ran across the road, dodging cars and swearing at cursing drivers. He stopped in front of the machine hopping excitedly from one foot to the other and licking his lips. "Want want _wantwantwant_..." He panted, his shining eyes moving to Remus who looked incredulous.

"This is why you bought us here?" Remus exclaimed. "Sirius...do you even know what this is?"

"This, my misinformed friend, is a Honda GL 1000...999 cc, Liquid cooled, 4 cylinder engine. 78 hp at 7000 rpm." Sirius grinned at Remus's incomprehension. "It's beautiful...and I want it."

"Well, well, it seems someone knows what they're talking about. Welcome young man, what can I help you with?" A large muggle man with a handle bar moustache and grey hair walked out to meet them and Sirius grinned.

"I want it!" He said like an excited child.

James stood in the garage, arms folded and a frown on his face as he watched Sirius kneeling on the floor with a spanner in one hand and his wand in the other. "What in Merlin's great saggy testicles are you doing?" He said.

Sirius looked up at him from the floor beside his new bike, a cigarette dangling from his lips. "Making magic, Mr. Prongs." He said with a toothy grin, his eyes slightly squinted against the smoke that rose from the burning end of the white stick between his lips. "You'll see..."

James sighed and slumped to the floor, resting his elbow on his knee and his head on his hand. "And why do you need a spanner to do magic?"

"Because..." Sirius paused in what he was doing, eyeing James through his hair. He had oil smeared across his cheek, his fingers were black with it and his old t-shirt was ripped as badly as his jeans. "I am trying to fix stuff onto it...however, I have no idea what I'm doing...most of this is guess work..."

"So...you're experimenting?"

"Yup." Sirius went back to his bike, tapping it lightly with his wand. There was a bang and a flash of light and Sirius yelped. He rolled away, dropping his wand and covering his face with one hand. "Ow!"

"What did you do?" James failed to fight the laughter, he pulled Sirius's hand away from his face and saw black soot covering his face, his eyes watered so the tears tracked clear streaks down his cheeks. He fell backwards, laughing hysterically. Sirius sat up, throwing the spanner at James who vanished it before it hit him.

"I needed that!" Sirius moaned. "You're not being helpful at all...piss off and go harass your parents."

"Oi, this is my garage! We're letting you use it..."

"Your _parents_ are letting me use it." Sirius corrected. "Although...seeing as your father doesn't have a car, I don't understand why he has a garage."

James shrugged. "More room to store stuff I think."

"I see..." Sirius replied, returning to his bike and gazing at the shiny metal. "It's amazing, isn't it?"

"Yes, simply charming...tea?" James climbed to his feet, Sirius nodded without turning around.

The bar was crowded, Sirius's eyes gazed around in fascination with James at his side. "This...is amazing!" He breathed, hearing the music coming from a machine in the corner. James nodded.

"Is this really such a good idea?" Remus whispered. He had only agreed to come over to Sirius's to stop him from nagging him and now he was regretting his decision. "There's Muggles...everywhere..." He whispered.

Sirius grinned at him over his shoulder. "And that is what makes it brilliant! Chill out Moons, _this_ is living!"

They walked up to the bar, Sirius gazing around at the multiple drinks with interest. The bar man sidled over, looking at the three boys carefully. "What can I get you?" he asked gruffly.

"Um..." Sirius seemed slightly lost.

Remus sighed, trying to sink into the background. He felt awkward, certain the gruff looking man behind the bar was going to throw them all out. To distract himself he gazed around and saw a girl sat in the corner of the room with two older people, he recognised the red hair and their eyes met. Lily smiled and waved, her hand freezing when she saw who else was at the bar and her face fell into something resembling horror. Sirius turned around, holding a glass and peering into it curiously. "What is that you've got?" James enquired.

"Absolutely no idea." Sirius replied with a grin. "Bottoms up, then, what what..." He downed the drink, wincing and almost gagging. "That is terrible!" He said.

James giggled and ordered a pint of something called 'beer'. Not Butterbeer...just...beer. He looked at the tall glass put in front of him. "This looks like Butterbeer..." He muttered to himself and tried the drink curiously. "Doesn't taste like it...but it's good." He grinned.

Sirius laughed and ordered another strange drink from behind the bar before turning to Remus and raising an eyebrow questioningly. "What do you want?"

"Um...Heineken, please." He said, and the barman looked at him almost in relief as he seemed to know what he was ordering.

"What is that? Some kind of foreign drink?" Sirius asked.

"It's my father's drink of choice...My mum put him onto it." Remus shrugged, flushing slightly as he took the glass from the barman and Sirius paid. He was getting better with Muggle money.

And then, as if someone had cast a freezing charm on him, James spotted Lily trying to sink into obscurity against the wooden panelling on the wall. He grinned and nudged Sirius in the shoulder. "Let's sit down." He muttered in his ear.

"Ok..." Sirius followed James's gaze. "You want to sit with Evans...you know they're her parents, don't you?"

"Yeah, which means she'll be unable to make us go away without looking rude. Come on..." he grabbed Sirius by the arm and dragged him over, Remus followed. "Well, well...If it isn't the lovely Miss Evans!" James exclaimed.

Lily pursed her lips, eyeing James warily. "What do you want, Potter?" She asked warily.

"Lily, are these friends of yours?" Mr. Evans asked eyeing the boys carefully, he frowned. "From school?"

"Yes..." Lily muttered, looking as if she wanted to be anywhere else. "Mum, Dad...this is James Potter, his friend Sirius Black and Remus Lupin." She said stiffly.

James grinned, taking Mr. Evans's hand and shaking it. "Good to meet you Mr and Mrs Evans...I can now see where Lily gets all her good looks from." He said, tipping a wink in Mrs. Evans' direction and making her flush and giggle like a school girl.

"Sirius Black, Sir...brilliant to meet you." Sirius held out his hand and Mr. Evans took it looking him up and down, slightly disapprovingly. Sirius was wearing a leather jacket, of expensive quality and faded blue jeans, his t-shirt was plain white and his long hair was tied back with a strip of leather. He turned to Lily's mother and took her hand, kissing it gently. "I must say, I did think that Lily had a rather charming younger sister...I was surprised when she said you were her mother." He released the woman's hand and watched her flush an even deeper shade of red.

"Oh...I say...what charming young men! Lily, darling, why ever haven't we met these friends before?"

Remus smiled and shook Mr. Evans' hand, the man gave an approving nod when he noted Remus's sensible clothes. "Hi..." he said, sounding unfailingly lame when he spoke after the charming comments from his friends. "It's nice to meet you, Lily's told me a lot about you." Which was true, they had spent numerous hours in the library speaking of each other's family's.

James dragged over a red leather covered seat and sat down, Sirius sitting at his side, Remus hovered for a while until Sirius's hand dragged him into another seat. Lily sighed heavily, resigning herself to being humiliated.

"So, Mr...Potter, was it?" Lily's father began slowly. James nodded. "What do you intend to do with your life when you leave School?" He sipped his whisky carefully.

James smiled. "Fight." He said firmly.

"What, join the army?" Mr. Evans looked the skinny boy up and down with a raised eyebrow.

"Uh...well...no...not exactly..." James said looking confused. "I'm going to join the Order of the Phoenix." He whispered softly, eyes darting around the small room.

"Is that some kind of..." Mr. Evans' eyebrows drew down in disproval. "...rock band?"

Sirius laughed, throwing his head back. "No...It's a group of people dedicated to fighting Lord Voldemort." He explained, earning confused looks from Lily's parents. "There's a war going on! You didn't know?"

Lily sighed and shook her head. "I haven't told them." She said softly.

"A war?" Mrs. Evans muttered with a horrified expression.

"Yeah, there's this bloke who wants to take over the Wizarding world, you see, he is convinced Muggles should be under the control of Wizards." Sirius said, finishing his drink in one swig.

"I say...that sounds rather...dangerous. And they are enlisting you to this...Order...?"

"Yes." Remus said quietly. "It's alright, we won't be fighting until we finish school."

"Very good, education is important." Mr. Evans said with an approving nod. "And what do your parents do?" He asked the question generally.

"Nothing." James said with a shrug. "They're rich, they don't need to do anything." Mr. Evans looked surprised.

"My mother works at a bakers, my father works for the Ministry." Remus said slowly.

All eyes turned to Sirius who smiled slowly. "I don't have parents." He said firmly, earning a sharp glance from Lily. "I don't have a family...they disowned me."

Mr. Evans frowned, looking Sirius up and down. "And why was that?"

"I pissed them off..." Sirius shrugged. "I ran away from home when I was sixteen, had enough of their rules."

"A delinquent?" Mr. Evans muttered, Sirius merely grinned.

Suddenly the door opened and Lily looked over to see a pale haired girl walk in, rummaging in her hand bag. She froze when she saw Lily waving at her. "Tuney!" Lily said with a smile, waving her sister over. "How are you?"

The girl walked over, eyeing the boys warily, her eyes raking Sirius's clothing with distaste. "I'm fine, hello mum, dad..." She kissed her mother on the cheek briefly before sighing as she sat in a seat.

Remus knew about Lily's sister and he also knew her distaste for magic, he squirmed uncomfortably drinking his larger faster than he should have been. Sirius gazed at the new arrival, his eyes curious and enquiring...which Remus knew could mean trouble if not handled correctly...really, he thought miserably, having both Petunia Evans and Sirius Black in the same county was a disturbing thought...let alone having the two actually in the same room. This could only lead to disaster.

"Petunia, darling, this is Mr. Sirius Black..." Mrs. Evans smiled, and Remus almost choked on his drink when he realised the woman may have been trying to set them up.

Sirius smiled, holding out his hand to the rather ugly girl. "Hi, nice to meet you...I go to School with Lily."

Petunia made an odd twitchy movement before shaking Sirius's hand begrudgingly, she drew away rapidly and wiped her hand on her skirt. James smiled at her. "Hi, James Potter, also a School friend of your rather charming sister." He was friendly but when Petunia did nothing but nod curtly, her lips pursed in disproval as she eyed his messy hair and slightly too baggy jumper...that, added to his wonky glasses, seemed to make her less inclined to touch him. James looked slightly confused before dropping his hand awkwardly.

"Remus Lupin, nice to finally meet you." Remus said with a smile. He didn't bother to try and shake her hand as she was looking at his jumper, which had several holes in it.

The silence was horribly awkward and Sirius seemed to be getting bored, he stood suddenly. "Can I get anyone else a drink?" He asked.

"Whatever this was!" James indicated his glass. "Some kind of beer...I think."

"Same again here." Remus muttered, feeling that it would probably be better to get as drunk as possible so he could pass out before Sirius did something ridiculous.

Time wore on and Mrs and Mr Evans stood up. "Well, we really must be off..." Lily stood as well, looking relieved. "Oh no, dear...stay here with your friends." Mrs. Evans waved her daughter back down. "You may not get to see your friends for a while." James looked as if his smile would reach right off of his face as Lily sat down, unable to refuse her mother's happy smile. "Oh and that boy there..." She whispered into Lily's ear, pointing at Sirius who was talking to James. "He has a good face...handsome grandchildren." She winked and walked away after her husband after they had said good bye. Lily sighed and buried her face in her hands and let out a long groan.

Remus chuckled. "Sorry about this...I couldn't stop them..." He said. "Do you want a drink?"

Lily sighed, looking into her half empty glass of lemonade. "You know what? Yes...yes I will...sod it! Who cares about underage drinking...I need to get plastered just to be able to cope with..._that_..." She waved her hand at James and Sirius who were laughing at the Jukebox.

"Lily...what on earth are they doing?" Petunia asked, frowning at the two boys. "And aren't they much too young to be drinking?"

Lily groaned. "Yes...but in the Wizarding world they are classed as adults."

"Adults? They are acting like children!" She gazed at them, her pale eyes narrowed. "What are they laughing at?"

"Probably the plug." Remus replied with a small shrug. "They're purebloods...they haven't had much Muggle interaction."

Petunia gazed at Remus as if he had insulted her. "Excuse me? _What_ did you just call me?"

"Christ! Tuney, calmed down. It's just a word meaning non-magical people..." Lily sighed. "Anyway, where's that drink?"

They drank. Sirius became more and more inebriated, which meant he was clinging to Remus, whose own head was swimming pleasantly. "Soooo..." Sirius began, pointing a lit cigarette at Petunia. "You're a mubble...sorry...muggle...then? Ya'know...no magic..."

"Apparently so." Petunia replied coldly.

"What's with t' col' attitude, baby..." Sirius leaned on the table. "Wha's tha' like then? How do you...ge' 'round all the...stuff...?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about! And I don't appreciate the attitude." She glared at the drunken boy before her, bristling, he was obviously very drunk. "You are obviously some kind of deviant...trying to flirt with me! I wouldn't touch you if you were the last man on earth, you freak!"

The whole table went silent. James had been talking to Lily and now their eyes moved to Sirius and Petunia, James looked worried. Remus had gone still, his eyes glued to the table.

"Freak?" Sirius said slowly, his voice dripping venom. His eyes were narrowed. "You hones'ly believe that I would flirt wiv a shtuck up cow like _you?_" he laughed humourlessly. "You're ugly as sin...an' waaaay too old for me. Look love, 'm way outta your league...give up." He hiccoughed slightly, that nasty grin he seemed only to spare for Snape on his lips.

Petunia flushed furiously and stood, her chair falling to the ground with a loud crash. "I have never, ever been so insulted in my life! Lily, I'm leaving!" she turned and stormed out of the pub, followed by Sirius's laughter.


	12. Chapter Twelve: Rebel

_**A/N: More frivolity but then some equal angst! Ok, warning for this chapter: This contains scenes of drug abuse and hints at sexual child abuse. Please don't complain at me, the story writes itself, lol. **_

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not, under any circumstances, condone the taking of drugs of any kind! The reason Sirius does take drugs is because he is generally a bit crazy and I believe he would try it and even use it as a method of escape. Remember people, this is the seventies, and they were crazy times! Lastly, the song below belongs, sadly, to David Bowie and is called Rebel Rebel! Awesome song, check it out! :D Enjoy! **_

Chapter Twelve: Rebel

"Got your mother in a whirl  
>She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl<br>Hey, babe, your hairs alright  
>Hey, babe, let's go out tonight<br>You like me, and I like it all  
>We like dancing, and we look divine<br>You love bands when they play it hard  
>You want more, and you want it first<br>Put you down, say I'm wrong  
>You tacky thing, you put them on..."<p>

Sirius stumbled into a wall, laughing, James's voice joining his as they sang drunkenly.

"Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress  
>Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess<br>Rebel Rebel, how could they know?  
>Hot tramp, I love you so!"<p>

They sang to each other, James pressing Sirius into the wall. Lily looked bemused, and Remus found himself laughing with them, the alcohol searing through him and making everything seem a million times more hilarious than normal. Sirius was using James as a ladder, trying to steady himself and failing as James was just as unsteady.

"You've torn your dress, your face is a mess  
>You can't get enough, but enough aint the test<br>You've got transmission and a live wire  
>Got your cue lines and a handful of ludes<br>You wanna be there when they count up the dues..."

Sirius slipped slightly down the wall, his hair had fallen down and it fell into his face as James sang to him as if he was a girl. Their faces were close and Sirius was laughing so hard tears sprung to his eyes.

"And I love your dress  
>You're a juvenile success<br>Because your face is a mess  
>So how could they know?<br>I said, how could they know?  
>To what you wanna know<br>Calamity's child, chi-chile, chi-chile  
>Where'd you wanna go?<br>Can I do for you? Looks like you've been there too  
>'Cause you've torn your dress<br>And your face is a mess  
>Ooo, ooo, your face is a mess<br>Ooo, ooo, so how could they know?  
>How could they know? Hah<br>Hah-hah"

When they were done, Lily and Remus applauded them. James pushed Sirius to the floor and bowed, nearly falling flat on his face. "Well, that was...interesting." Lily said, smiling as Sirius was dragged to his feet by Remus, he leaned on him heavily, one arm thrown across his shoulders. She watched, with a raised eyebrow as Sirius's lips came very close to Remus's ear and the fingers of his other hand began tugging at locks of his hair. She couldn't hear what was being said but the words made Remus blush. Suddenly, an arm found its way around her own shoulders and she jumped slightly, she found herself gazing into blurred hazel eyes. "Potter...?"

"Call me Jamess..." He slurred.

She realised he was very close and felt heat flood her cheeks. "Wh-Why?"

"'cause tha's m'name..." he blinked at her, dark hair falling into his eyes.

"Po-_James_...You're drunk..."

He grinned, loving the way she said his name, it made his whole body tingle. "I know...fun, aint it?"

She sighed heavily. "I really should be getting back, my parents..."

"Will be fine..." James's hand slid down her arm and he drew her closer. "Ya'know...I've liked you since forever..." he murmured, fingers running through her hair. He slipped his fingers down her jaw, tipping her head slightly so she was unable to get away from his intense gaze. He leaned closer...

"Hey!" Sirius threw his arm around James, shattering the moment like ice. James cursed furiously, his hands slipping from Lily as he was dragged away. "C'mon...le's go somewhere else..." Sirius said loudly stumbling up the street.

"I really should be going home..." Lily said but Sirius turned on her, one eyebrow raised and she suddenly had the impression that he wasn't as drunk as he was making out to be.

"Home? Why? We're young, Miss Evans...we're young and there's a whole city to explore! Come on..." he held out his hand with a charming smile. "We brave three Marauders will be more than happy to escort the lovely young princess..."

She laughed, unable to help herself and took his hand. "Alright then..."

He pulled her to his side. "Right...the city awaits!" He cried. "Let us show you _our_ world."

And she was shown the world through the eyes of the Marauders...it was beautiful. Everything was bright lights, warm summer air and bright easy laughter. Remus came out of himself with the effects of the alcohol. They stumbled through the streets of London, laughing, talking and singing in loud and drunken voices and teasing each other. She felt a little overwhelmed, she had never seen them together outside school, and now she was being shown the world from an entirely different perspective...and she realised that she was enjoying herself.

James jumped up onto a railing his arms wide as he tried to keep his balance, Sirius decided it would be funny to try and make him fall. He wobbled when Sirius's hands pushed him, but managed to regain his balance, his tongue trapped between his teeth and his glasses nearly falling from his nose. He walked like a tightrope walker in a circus, Lily giggled as she followed them with Remus. Finally Sirius managed to drag James from his precarious perch and they fell to the concrete with a loud thud and lots of cursing.

"You fell on me! You dick!" Sirius exclaimed loudly, trying to untangle himself from James.

"Fuck off...You pulled me off...Ow! Hey, get your knee out of my nuts!"

Lily leaned closer to Remus. "Are they always like this?" She asked.

"'Fraid so, it never changes..." He smiled fondly at his friends. "Not that I'd want it any other way."

There was a bang and a flash of light, James yelped, grabbing his arm. "Sirius!" He shouted. "What was that for?"

"You wouldn't get off of me." Sirius replied, stowing his wand away quickly. "So, I was forced to make you."

"That hurt." James sulked as he climbed to his feet. "What was it?"

"Stinging Hex." Sirius grinned. "Your arm'll be huge." He laughed.

James ran over, holding his arm out to Remus who raised an eyebrow. "Make it better! Sirius hurt me!" he whinged.

Remus rolled his eyes and looked down at the tear in his jumper, there was an angry red mark there. He pointed his wand at it and it disappeared. "There, now, stop arguing."

James grinned. "Knew there was a reason I'm friends with you!"

"Tosser." Remus replied, but there was no venom in his voice, only that fond smile.

As they walked down a brightly lit street Sirius paused, there was a dark club with a bright neon light flashing above it. A small grin spread across his face and he turned to his friends. "Wait here...I'll get something that will really blow your minds..." He turned and walked towards a man standing by the door, they watched with small frowns as he leaned against the wall, and the man whispered something. Remus watched with a frown as the man nodded once, digging in his pocket and bringing forth something, Sirius took it, slipping some money into his hand. The man suddenly grabbed Sirius's wrist, turning him around to slam him into the wall, he whispered something into Sirius's ear which made him laugh and shake his head. Then he was released and Sirius walked over to them grinning, he had something between his fingers. "Right..." He declared with a wide grin. He threw the little packet at James who caught it and looked at it, after a second he answered Sirius's grin.

Lily watched as James opened the little bag and withdrew a small pill, he slipped it onto his tongue and threw the packet back to Sirius who caught it and slipped two into his own mouth. "Are they...?" Lily began slowly.

"Drugs? Why yes...they are." Sirius replied. "Discovered these in third year when I stayed away from home all night because Bella was staying over...and that always meant a broken limb. So, while I was wandering around London alone, some guy comes up to me..." he jerked his head in the direction of the man stood by the club. "...and he said he could give me something to forget my problems...and it worked, Lily, it actually worked." He smiled. "Forgot why I was even curled up in some strangers house on some grubby mattress...must admit though...I don't really think I want to remember that night." His smile went a bit odd, before he shrugged. "Anyway, they don't hurt they just make everything crazy..." He offered her the packet and she shook her head.

"No...I'm fine." She muttered, she hadn't understood half of what he had said, but something about the story seemed odd...she was disturbed. Why would a thirteen year old be wandering London...alone? What awful event would make him take something given to him by a total stranger and what would make that same thirteen year old stay in a house with the stranger? What had he been made to do? All those questions made her shiver and she wrapped her arms around herself as she watched Sirius. He was leaning into Remus, and they were...her thoughts stopped abruptly and she turned away.

Sirius pushed the tiny white pill into Remus's mouth with his tongue, enjoying the soft moan he got. He drew away with a smile, and saw the werewolf gazing up at him as he swallowed it. "I don't know why...but you make me throw caution out of the window." He whispered.

"Maybe because I'm just far too good looking?" Sirius smirked.

Together they returned on their journey. Lily had insisted they take her home, but as they were walking the drugs seemed to take effect and she regretted it immediately. Sirius was talking, talking a lot. In fact, he wouldn't shut up. She couldn't understand how he didn't seem to need to breath, James was being touchy feely with her, hugging her close, kissing her hair and she kept having to hold him off at arm's length.

Sirius gazed around at the lights, watching them float across his vision. He could feel his heart rate hammering violently in his chest, but it didn't matter, because everything was so bloody _wonderful_! He couldn't stop smiling, even if his jaw ached slightly. Remus stumbled slightly as he gazed down into the Thames river, fascinated by the reflected lights on the surface. "Tha's bloody amazing..." He muttered feeling Sirius stood behind him, his hands sliding down his back as he buried his face in his hair. "Nnn..." Remus groaned and let his eyes fall shut. His nerves tingled wonderfully and Sirius's touches made his heart beat thud in his head, he was surprised no one else could hear it. He had never taken something offered to him by Sirius before but he couldn't deny that the drugs made him stop worrying, he was able to forget about all his concerns and he was _loving_ it. His thoughts were cut off as Sirius's tongue ran up his neck and his fingers clenched on the railing. "God...That's good..." He muttered, hardly aware of what he was saying. He was more turned on than he had been in a while, Sirius's body heat seemed like the fierce flames of a fire and every touch, every sound, sight and smell was intense, almost overwhelming. His senses buzzed, his head swam and he felt as if Lord Voldemort himself could appear and he would hug him, because everything was shimmering with a soft glow and his smile seemed glued to his face. Nothing could spoil this night!

"Moony..." Sirius sighed, running his hands down his sides. "You feel like a teddy bear." He hugged him close and giggled. "It's like hugging a warm, fluffy teddy...You're _amazin_'..."

Remus laughed. "I love you..." his voice was soft and gentle. "In fact...I think I love everything...James, Lily, Pete...where _is_ Pete?"

"No idea..." Sirius murmured. "There must be somethin' wrong with him 'cause he said he couldn' come out..." He made a small whining noise in his throat. "You're adorable."

"Guys?" Lily moved towards Remus and Sirius, James hanging onto her arm.

"Come on, Lil's..." he muttered. "Just one...one tiny..._incy wincy_ kiss...Please...?"

She turned and glared at him. "James Potter I am _not_ going to kiss you! Now stop it...we need to get home..." She saw Remus turned around in the circle of Sirius's arms and before she knew it they were kissing, it was sloppy and Remus had his fingers gripping Sirius's long hair so tightly she was sure it should hurt. "Oh for crying out loud..." She muttered, pushing hair from her face. She stormed over and tapped Sirius on the shoulder making him pull away from Remus's clinging fingers. "Come on, let's get home." She said.

Sirius grinned. "Lily...you know what?" He said, throwing his arm around her. "You're brilliant you are."

"Thank you." She sighed and saw Remus gazing up at the sky. "Rem?" She asked cautiously.

"Shh..." Sirius put a finger to her lips and she found herself gazing into eyes that were nearly black. "He's contemplating the moon...ya'see...he's _scared_ of the moon..." He whispered hoarsely, stumbling slightly so her back was pushed into the railings by the river. "And ya'know what else?"

"Sirius..." He cut her off again with a small, chaste and very gentle kiss on the side of her lips.

"I think he hates me..." Sirius whispered, he looked intense, his eyes wide and almost childlike beneath the street lights. There was silence broken only by the bustling city around them. "I...I really think he does, Like...when we fuck...he's...not there...not really. I know...what we do is wrong...'course it's wrong but...he's so fucking addictive...Lily...I'm gunna destroy him..." He stumbled slightly and chuckled. His smile was huge and bright, his eyes sparkling insanely beneath his fringe.

"Sirius...are you...alright?" She cocked her head to the side.

He nodded quickly. "Yeah...never been better!" He declared with a sharp bark of laughter. "Ya'see...even though my parents hate me...you see, they loved Reg, always Reg...the perfect little git...They liked to break my arms...my ribs...they cursed me...so, I had to leave din't I? Couldn't stay there, not with them like they were..." He laughed again, the lightness of his tone and the hilarity in his voice, completely at odds with the severity of his words. He seemed happy about everything.

"Come on, Sirius, let's get you home." Lily said softly, taking his hand and guiding him forward, but she felt him pause, his head resting on the back of hers.

"James loves you, Lily." He said softly. "He is really, really in love with you...Please stop pushing him away...It kills him."

Her eyes landed on James who had Remus in a giant bear hug, both were laughing loudly. She felt a small smile touch her lips, Sirius's hands gripped her shoulders and she felt him shaking slightly. "I'll try." She replied softly, her fingers resting on his.

"Thanks. And...and just so you know...You're alright really."

She laughed. "I'm going to take that as a compliment, Mr. Black."

"Padfoot." He said.

"What?"

"Padfoot...'s what James called me." He released her finally and stepped away, smiling mysteriously at her. "Tell the others I'll be alright..." He turned away. "I need...to be alone..."

"Sirius...wait! You can't just..." But he was gone. She gazed at the spot he had Disapparated from and sighed heavily, she could only hope he was going to be alright.

Sirius reappeared outside the club again, he stumbled, nearly losing his balance but managed to regain it. He looked at the man still stood outside, the man lifted his hand and Sirius moved forward. When he reached him he was pushed into the wall. "So, you gunna pay me back?" He hissed into Sirius's ear.

"Yeah..." Sirius replied closing his eyes. "Just make sure it hurts."

Sirius woke, eyes opening slowly as he gazed up at an unfamiliar ceiling. He pulled himself into a sitting position and blinked sluggishly around at the other two men lying on the same dirty mattress. He sighed and lowered his head, he felt all the familiar self hatred burn through him like a white hot wire. When he was thirteen he had been taken to this flat in the East End and he had been grateful because _anywhere_ was better than his own home...then he had been forced to give the men there his first blow job. It had been horrible at first but after a few beatings he had been trained to do it properly. They had never taken it further until last night and he felt filthy, dirty as if he had been tainted. Slowly he shifted his weight ignoring the fresh stab of pain that went through his body, he crept off the mattress and crawled across the floor, picking up his jeans and t-shirt. He climbed into them and slipped out of the room and found himself in some kind of living room, people lay on the floor, eyes half open as they gazed up at the filthy ceiling without seeing it. Sirius picked his way carefully across the disturbingly sticky floor, avoiding the needles and other sharp instruments. He finally made it to the door, making a quick check to make sure he had his wand on him before slipping out the door and Apparating straight back into his apartment and going straight to bed. He collapsed onto it with a strangled groan. He wasn't entirely sure why he had gone to the man to pay back what he owed, when he been there last they had told him that he had to come back to repay them for letting him stay...and so, five years later, he had returned. He buried his face into the pillow, hugging it desperately. He hated coming down...after the amazing high of the drug induced haze he always came down hard. The dark thoughts that shadowed him made him wish he could just simply end it all...

There was an awful noise...it sounded like a giant Doxy buzzing in his head. With a heavy groan Sirius turned over wincing as pain returned. Slowly he sat up and realised it was his door, he scrubbed at his face for a second before standing and stumbling to the door, flinging it open, ready to give whoever it was a yelling at...and he found himself gazing into familiar eyes. "M-Moony?" He muttered, stepping back and letting the werewolf enter.

"What the...?" Remus's face changed rapidly, he had entered with a smile and then the smell had hit him. His eyes moved over Sirius's crumpled t-shirt, his undone jeans and the bruises on his wrists. He couldn't speak. He couldn't even move. His eyes widened and his mouth fell open slightly. The scent of other men drifted from Sirius like a wave, he could smell them, all over his body, he smelt of sex, alcohol and semen. "No..." He muttered shaking his head and backing away a step. "You..."

Sirius stood there, swaying slightly. "Remus..." He began, but the werewolf cut him off with a sudden slap. Sirius took it, closing his eyes and accepting the pain that shot through his heated skin.

"You...You..." Remus was lost for words, his breathing was heavy and he shook with suppressed rage.

"I'm sorry." Sirius whispered mechanically, his mind still sluggish. "I don't know why I did it...I only wanted...I wanted..." he bit down on his lower lip. "I wanted them to hurt me." He said finally.

"They did just that didn't they?" Remus said finally.

"Yeah..." Sirius fell to the floor, hanging his head. "I needed it...but...you just looked so happy...I couldn't ask it from you. Fuck! Moony...you don't _need_ me!" He bent his head. "You're so...so perfect! You're...so pure...I'm...gunna destroy you and I can't...I can't do it! I can't hurt you anymore!"

"Hurt me? Sirius...you...this...this is hurting! This is more painful than anything physical you could do to me! Are you forgetting what I am? Are you stupid enough to think that tearing my body to shreds every full moon is a picnic? You fucking twat!" he gasped and fell silent. He closed his eyes, taking a few slow, deep breaths in an attempt to control the sudden whirlwind of emotions.

Sirius rocked slightly back and forth, slowly he lifted his eyes to Remus's and smiled. "You're better than me. You always have been..."

Remus fell to his knees so he could look into Sirius's eyes. "No...I'm not."

"You are. You don't have tainted blood running through your veins..." He lifted his fingers and traced Remus's jugular vein. "You don't feel as if you're going to snap...my head...it's like there's someone screaming inside me and soon it'll overflow. Ever torn your own hair out just because you've been so frustrated that you can't hold it in anymore?" Remus nodded. "...it's like that."

"I understand, Sirius...I...I know what pain is. I know what hatred is! I know what it was like for you! Just please...please stop! That man...the one you got the drugs from, he smelt just like this..." He ran his hand down Sirius's t-shirt. "Why did you go to him?"

"I owed him." Sirius shrugged. "Since he took me in that night when I was thirteen...that club is his...has been for years. I spent years getting the drugs from him...he gives me them for free but with a promise to...to repay him..."

"Did he...did he rape you?" Remus asked slowly, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"No." Sirius shook his head. "When I was a kid, I gave him and his mates blow jobs until I couldn't do it anymore...and then they sent me home, telling me that I had to repay them someday...So...so I did."

Remus was silent, he suddenly knew the answer to where Sirius had learned to use his tongue so well...and the thoughts made him want to throw up. "Why?" He asked again. "I thought...I thought I was the only..."

Sirius's eyes were too dark as he looked into Remus's. "Because I'm poison." He whispered hoarsely.

They sat there just staring at each other for a long time before Remus stood slowly, his jaw was tense as he stared at the mini bar in the corner of the reception room. "Get in the bath..." He said firmly. "And...give me your clothes, you can't walk around wearing that..." He turned his back as he heard Sirius move. When he turned around he saw Sirius standing there, his shirt hanging from one hand and his eyes on the floor. Bruises covered his chest, Remus could see the darkening stains on his pale flesh and he shook his head. "You're an idiot, Sirius Black." He muttered, pushing aside all his own feelings and taking the t-shirt from his friend's slack fingers.

"I am...aren't I?" Sirius muttered, he turned and walked silently away leaving Remus to close the door and go into his kitchen.

Sirius lay in the bath, gazing up at the ceiling. The bubbles that surrounded him eased his aching muscles but nothing could ease his aching heart. He kept hurting Remus, no matter what he did, he seemed totally unable to stop himself from wounding his friends. He slipped beneath the warm water, submerging himself completely in some crappy attempt to drown himself...but he couldn't stay beneath the water for long and he resurfaced with a gasp.

Remus washed Sirius's jeans and t-shirt thoroughly, making sure the scent of the other men was gone completely before he dried them with a lazy flick of his wand, he folded them neatly and placed them in Sirius's draws. He had been forced to become good at household spells, mainly by his mother, but also because Sirius and James were filthy. They usually ended up wearing each other's clothes, throwing dirty laundry across the dormitory without a second glance and generally being rather lazy in that department. He smiled affectionately for a moment before sighing and rubbing his tired eyes, he had so little sleep the previous night, staying with James who was bouncing off the walls at having actually spoken to Lily Evans and spent time with her. The come down off the drugs had been sudden and brutal, he had crashed completely, falling into bed and waking up with a hammering headache and his mouth as dry as if he had eaten salt. He decided that he would never again take anything Sirius offered him, no matter how much he was given those puppy-eyes.

The door from one of the bathrooms opened and Remus turned to see Sirius emerge, his hair was clinging to his face and he had a soft towel wrapped around his waist. Remus couldn't stop his eyes from travelling up and down that well toned body. Sirius smiled weakly as he ran fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his eyes in that wonderfully familiar way that he had. "Want breakfast?" He asked. Obviously neither of them would be speaking about those blackening marks on his wrists, or the bite marks on his shoulders, so Remus simply smiled and nodded.

Sirius ate hungrily, his eyes scanning the Daily Prophet that had arrived earlier. He paused and Remus watched him lower his fork, his eyes clouding. "Another one..." He muttered, pushing the paper towards Remus who read the article.

"A whole family? This is getting worse...isn't it?" Remus asked, eyes lifting to Sirius's.

"Not just a whole family, Moons, there was a baby..." Sirius sighed. "And then you've got the disappearance of that Trevor Klines bloke who worked in the Educational Department at the Ministry, remember?"

"Yeah, didn't he disappear two weeks ago?"

Sirius nodded, shovelling more eggs into his mouth before swallowing. "And then that woman was murdered. The Muggle news got hold of that one, apparently she worked for their Prime Minister..."

"Charlotte...Banks?" Remus said slowly, remembering the small article in the Prophet two weeks ago.

"Yeah, the muggles say that she died of a heart attack, but the Ministry said it was the Killing Curse." As they spoke, Remus saw Sirius was looking better for the food and the bath, his eyes were brightening and he sighed with relief. They sat at the kitchen table, when Sirius had finished he summoned his cigarettes from the Living room and lit one with a match, blowing blue-grey smoke towards the ceiling. He leaned back in his chair, looking at Moony across the table. "Do you have anywhere to live when we finish school?" he asked suddenly.

Remus raised an eyebrow, folding the paper neatly, and slightly pedantically. "No, not yet. I haven't thought about it...why?"

Sirius leaned forward. "Live with me." He said.

"But..."

"No buts, I have enough money to keep us both happy...and more than enough room. Come on, Moony, move in with me...I like this." He waved a hand around. "I like eating breakfast with you, I like talking to you about the paper and I like...I like having you by my side. What do you say?"

Remus gazed down thoughtfully at his hands that lay flat on the table. "I...I don't know, Sirius...I..."

"You don't have to agree right now...just say that you'll think about it...please?"

Remus looked up and saw Sirius's eyes shining slightly, then he opened his mouth before realising he had no idea what to say so he simply nodded. This seemed to satisfy Sirius and he grinned, taking a long drag on the cigarette between his fingers before crushing it out in an ash tray.


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Calm Before the Storm

_**A/N: This one is a bit choppy, mainly because Seventh year is so full of revision for exams and really, that's just boring to write about! Lol. So, we must now sadly say fare well to Hogwarts but the Marauders are going out with a bang! :D**_

Chapter Thirteen: Calm Before the Storm

"You know what, Prongsy, ol' chap?" Sirius said, stretching out on his four poster bed with a grin. "This is gunna be a good year."

"I agree, Padfoot. However, we must now make it our solemn duty to cause more disruption and chaos than ever before...after all, if we want to make our mark in history, we'll need to go out with a bang!"

Remus groaned. "You'd have thought you would have grown up by now!" He muttered as he began unpacking. "Plus, as Head Boy, I don't think you should be..."

"Oh, Moony..." James gazed across the room at him in pity. "This badge is simply the Teachers way of acknowledging that I am brilliant." He pointed to the shiny badge on his chest, puffing it out as he did so.

"I really don't know how you got that, Prongs. I swear there must have been some kind of major fuck up..."

"Don't you understand what this means, Pads?" James said, eyes wide as he held a pair of pants in his hand. "I get to spend more time with the ever lovely Miss Evans...and nothing is going to get in the way of that! I mean...she's actually speaking to me!"

Sirius snorted. "Only because she's obviously suffered some serious head injury over the holidays."

Remus laughed, shoving some carefully balled up socks into a draw. "Aren't you going to unpack?" He asked Sirius.

"Nah, it can wait. I'm sleepy..." he had curled up in his bed, head buried in his pillow. James's face split into a grin and he dropped the pants back into his suitcase and moved towards Sirius's bed. Before he got close enough he found Sirius's wand pointed directly at his crotch. "One more step, Mr. Prongs, and I will blast your balls off. Then you would have to explain to your precious red head why you can't fuck her."

"Wasn't doing anything!" James replied.

Sirius opened an eye. "How can I trust you? You have that look..."

"What look?" James adopted a suspicious innocent expression.

"_That_ look." Sirius insisted, waving his wand so sparks shot out the end. "I'm sleeping...knackered after all that travelling..."

"Padfoot, you were asleep the whole journey!" James whined. "Come _on_...let's go do something!"

"I slept because you were too busy going on and on about Lily Evans...It gets boring after a while, mate."

"Oh, come on!" James rolled his eyes, moving quickly and grabbing Sirius's wand hand, trying to drag him up. Sirius went heavy so he was dragged onto the floor. Remus laughed while he watched Sirius dragged across the carpet, swearing and moaning about carpet burn. "Get up, lazy!" James said, nudging Sirius with his toe.

"Ugh...Fine...'m up..." Sirius climbed to his feet, stretching so his black t-shirt rode up to reveal a sliver of toned, pale skin.

James grinned in victory. "Let's sneak out to Hogsmeade and see if Rosemerta is in a good enough mood to let us have a few drinks."

Remus looked doubtful. "That's dangerous...there's a reason there won't be Hogsmeade weekends anymore..."

"Look, if a Death Eater attacks us, we're strong enough to defend ourselves...please, Moony, just this once...?" His smile was imploring and Remus felt himself caving.

"Alright, fine...but if we are attacked, I'm running away and leaving you to die." He muttered with a smile.

Sirius and James changed their clothes quickly, Remus decided he wasn't going to make much of an effort, he wasn't trying to pull. Once they were ready they all stood there a moment, Sirius lounging against the post of the bed, leather jacket falling from his shoulders and a cigarette behind his ear. "Hey, you reckon Pete wants to come?" James asked. "I think we'd better ask him..." James ran off, leaving Remus and Sirius alone, Remus eyed Sirius carefully, he could have sworn he had had a growth spurt over the holidays, he looked taller. He smiled lazily at Remus who returned it, they had practically lived together over the summer, christening every room in the house.

James returned with Peter at his side. "Alright then, hurry Mr. Wormtail! We have a bar to visit and you have a pretty barmaid to flirt with and fail..."

Peter sighed and changed rapidly, he was still small and still plump. He hadn't seen much of his friends over the summer but as he looked at them, he felt further away than ever from them. Sirius looked like he belonged in a Muggle rock band, his jeans looked like they should have been too tight and his hair was carefully messy so it looked as if he had just woken up from sleep, which, Peter thought, he probably had. James leaned back on his heels slightly, fiddling with his short denim jacket, he gazed at his reflection trying and failing to make his hair lay flat finally he gave up and Peter watched it spring back into place.

They went to the pub, taking the passage through the Shrieking shack to prevent any awkward breaking and entering law suits if they had taken the passage to Honeydukes. When they slipped into the bar they saw that it was more crowded than usual, Rosemerta was rushed off her feet, her father having to help out even though his eyesight was failing. Sirius pushed his way to the bar, leaving Remus and the others to find a seat, which they did after having to sidle around a rather forbidding looking Hag and what looked suspiciously like a Banshee. They sat, huddled in a corner as they saw Sirius approaching carrying several tankards of Mead in his hands. "'scuse me, ladies." He said to the Hag and the Banshee, tipping them a wink. He sat down, sliding a mug to Peter and James before handing one to Remus. He lifted his above his head. "To what promises to be a productive and detention filled year!" He said and they all lifted their mugs, clinking them together.

"The Marauders, may they never die!" James said, taking a sip of his drink.

Sirius gazed down into his for a moment. "You want to live forever?"

James shrugged. "Depends...I mean, if I could be young forever then I wouldn't mind." He smirked. "Why?"

Sirius smiled. "What's the point in living forever? I think I'd rather live fast and die pretty." He swept hair from his eyes. "This war...It's..." Sirius seemed to struggle with something before sighing and giving up.

"It's our future...We'll be fighting it for a long time, I mean, someone like Voldemort isn't gunna just roll over and die anytime soon, is he?" James said, picking up on what Sirius was trying to say.

"Well, maybe we could ask him?" Sirius chuckled. "Excuse me, Mr. Dark Lord, we were wondering if you could just kind of...ya'know...die? It's just that we can't be arsed to keep fighting you all our lives, we have better things to be doing...so if you wouldn't mind popping your clogs and doing the world a favour."

James burst into hysterics. "I'd like to see you try that, Pads!" he gasped through tears of mirth.

Remus wrapped his hands around the alcohol and gazed into his mug, he sighed. "I don't think you have any idea of what will be expected of us..." He said slowly, his voice grave.

Sirius looked at him, his gaze hard. "I understand perfectly...we're going to be putting our lives on the line, pitting ourselves against the dark...trust me, I know. But, honestly, what is the point in living a life of safety and comfort? Frankly, I reckon living on the edge is preferable to a lifetime of boredom."

"If we don't laugh about it, how will we ever get by?" James said. "Look, cheer up, anyone would think we'd all already died! Drink, Moony! Drink and be merry!"

And so he did, he kept telling himself that it was pointless thinking about such an uncertain future...he tried to prevent his eyes from moving to Sirius and stop himself from imagining what he would look like dead. He shivered. It was as if something dark was lurking on the horizon, something so terrible that he dared not look at it, because if he did he would simply curl up and never move again. The great weight of war loomed like a beast, rearing its head and opening huge jaws ready to swallow them all whole...it was difficult to see a future, for himself or his friends, at all...

The weeks leading up to Halloween were hectic, James was doing his duty as Head Boy, loving every minute he was able to spend in the company of Lily. They grew closer, Lily beginning to see him in a whole new light as he shouldered responsibility and wore it well. The Marauders were burdened with homework, in preparation for their NEWTs, Sirius was disappointed that he barely had time for pranks and he spent less and less time with Remus who spent more time in the library than he did anywhere else. They found themselves being forced apart by work and duties and Sirius began to fall into depression, he watched his friends seem to fall away from him and he hated it.

The year drew on, so quickly Sirius felt as if he was in some kind of nightmare. Halloween came and went, throwing him brutally into Christmas and he watched as James, after being in the snowy grounds with Lily, came back in and kissed her. People cheered, wolf whistled and clapped, but Sirius stepped back, moving away from the happy couple and leaving them to it.

Remus felt as if everything was changing around him and he couldn't stop it. The end of the school year seemed so close, yet so far away...he was stuck in the same place as his friends moved on with their lives, leaving him behind. James had Lily, they spent so much time together and he was genuinely happy for them, especially when he saw how James's face would light up like Lumos every time they were in the same room. Sirius seemed to be drawing into himself, spending more time up on the Astronomy tower than in the common room. Sometimes he would disappear entirely for a few nights and come back smelling of perfume, lipstick smeared across his neck and collar. But he rarely smiled anymore, Remus almost felt as if he would never see Sirius's face smile again...and the thought made his heart clench.

Sirius stood perfectly still, his eyes gazing at the familiar landscape, devouring the sight hungrily. Someone stepped up to his side, he felt a hand on his shoulder and the firm squeeze. "It's like the whole world is holding its breath." Sirius said softly, the quiet, early dawn pressing on his ears.

"It's...expecting." James replied just as quietly.

With eyes on the horizon Sirius took a deep breath and let it out slowly before turning and gazing up at the castle, the building that had been his home, his happiness, his own playground for seven whole, wonderful years. "Will we survive to come back here one day?" He asked, eyes moving to his solemn friends. James stood, fingers entwined with Lily's as she rested her head on his shoulder and smiled. Remus stood straight, his smile warm and it eased the fear in Sirius's heart for a while.

"Of course we will." James said softly. "This isn't the end...more like, another step in the journey...if you know what I mean."

"Hmm...? Seems as if you really have been hiding a brain in that blown up head of yours, James." Lily said quietly, a laugh in her voice.

"I have many _talents_ that you don't know about yet, Lily." James replied with a cheeky grin. She kicked him lightly in the shin and he laughed.

The last night they spent together in the common room, huddled up, playing exploding snap and chess while Lily and James kissed frantically in a corner. Sirius sat by the fire, a sliver sickle running over his knuckles as the flames lit his face making shadows dance. Remus watched him, admiring the way his hair fell against his shoulders, the way his eyes devoured the flames and turned them into cold silver blades. He sighed softly, he really was going to miss Hogwarts. Abruptly Sirius stood, pocketing the silver coin and rounding on his friends. "So, we're all just going to sit here and mope? Come on, we're the fucking Marauders...plus one, and we have to go out with a bang!"

James managed to pull himself away from Lily's lips long enough to grunt an agreement. "What do you have in mind, Padfoot, old friend?"

Sirius grinned, and he looked like the charming, impossibly irritating eleven year old Remus had been forced to share a dormitory with. "We go wild." He said dramatically, he leapt up onto a chair so he looked tall and impressive. "We give the teachers, the students and everyone in fucking Hogsmeade something to talk about for generations! We carve our names into the very foundations of Hogwarts, we will not be forgotten! If we die in this war, we will make sure history remembers us as we were!" he stood straight, his eyes fierce and commanding. Lily slid off of James's lap, for once not denying them this last, history making prank.

"Mate...I think you're right." James said and held out his hand, Sirius grabbed it and they grinned at each other. "The Marauders will make this school rue the day it was built! Let's make the very founder's quake in their pointed boots!" His smile was half crazed and Sirius mirrored it before they turned on Peter and Remus.

Remus stood slowly, brushing down his robes, a rare glint of Mischief in his eyes. "Well then, I think firstly we will need to get help...gather fifth years and above, group them up into..." he paused thoughtfully a moment. "...groups of two, one pair to each bathroom..."

James's grin widened. "...Wormtail, do you have enough Fireworks?"

Peter frowned thoughtfully. "We'll have to replicate them..."

"Very good. Go get them and start on that." James said, immediately taking charge. "Lily...er..." He paused and watched her smile slowly, while Peter ran up to the Dormitories.

"This once, James Potter. But never again."

"Brilliant, knew there was a reason I wanted to marry you." He turned away so he missed Lily's flush and her bright eyes. "Now, Lily, I want you to wake up the girls, see who wants in. Then, separate them out into pairs to do the Girls bathrooms. You'll be in charge." He issued the orders smoothly. "Pads?"

Sirius grinned, saluting lazily with two fingers. "Aye, captain Prongs?"

"Wake up the students in the boys dorms, make pairs and the rest of it."

"On it, Jamie-boy." Sirius practically bounced up the stairs, taking a deep breath, he shouted so loudly they could hear him floors below. "Alright you useless sacks of shite, out of your beds, this is a call to arms! Up up! It's time you played witness to the most epic prank in the history of pranks!"

James laughed and Peter returned with an armful of fireworks. He dumped them on the table and began replicating them with a frown of concentration. Remus began planning in his head, if they timed this right it could be perfect...the whole castle would be awake and remember them for years. He smirked in an all too Sirius-like fashion before his eyes met James's.

Once they had what resembled a well formed army before them, James began pacing back and forth, gazing at the mixture of tired and excited students with a frown. "Ok, so...here's the plan. Groups A, B and D will take the fifth floor upwards, Groups C, E and F will take the lower floors. Remember people, timing is everything, if this doesn't happen with pin point accuracy it will all fall apart! Understood?"

"Sir, yes sir!" the students chorused.

James grinned. "Excellent. Now, watches synchronised?" they all chorused affirmative. "Then, Move out!" He watched them all file out of the portrait hole, looking for all the world like a commander of an army, Lily stood at his left, while Sirius, his lieutenant, stood at his right. When the students had gone James turned around. "Right, now, we will take the biggest bathroom..." He looked at each of his friends in turn and they all gazed back as if this was the most important time of their lives. "You all know the spell, now, let's go." He turned, robes flaring and strode confidently towards the door, followed by Sirius, Peter, Lily and Remus.

That night the whole castle shook, students awoke in their beds shouting and screaming, fearing attack. But when they opened their dormitories they gazed around in awe.

The castle was full of water, as if the lake had flooded the place. Gasps and mutters filled hallways as students sloshed through the water. The Marble staircase had been turned into a waterfall, but instead of a rainbow, multicoloured sparks drifted lazily in the foam at the bottom. Fish leaped out of the gentle lapping waves, but these were not solid fish, the fish were made from glittering fire, warm to the touch. Frogs leaped from insubstantial water lily pads, reeds swayed in a non-existent breeze as a low fog hung lazily over the water.

James stood as the water cascaded over his shoes, Remus giggled slightly dementedly as he wandered if you could get expelled on your last day of school, Sirius was gazing around in wonderment at their own skills while Lily tried and failed to look guilty. Suddenly Remus lifted his wand, pointing it at the ceiling. With a muttered breath rain began to pour onto their heads from clouds that drifted across the ceiling. They heard screams, exclamations of surprise and giggles from all over the castle.

James threw his head back, closing his eyes and smiling. "This...is...Perfect!" He shouted over the tumultuous noise from the water falls.

The teachers asked them, with badly hidden smiles, to clean up. So, the Marauders spent their last night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry scrubbing walls and vanishing copious amounts of water. Sirius was laughing, his sleeves rolled back and his hair plastered to his face with water. Lily muttered about how stupid it all was as she rang out a sponge into a bucket. Remus smiled happily as he walked around, waving his wand. Peter, eyes glowing in hero worship watched James standing on an empty plinth, declaring to all his 'Minions' that he was a god, and they should all worship him and follow in his footsteps, until Lily put a stop to it by throwing a wet sponge in his face and shouting at him.

The train ride was done in loud laughter, Sirius lounging lazily in his seat and smiling at Remus as they chatted. Lily and James were once again stuck to each other's faces and Peter was reading a magazine contentedly.

They were all happily exhausted as they dragged their trunks onto the platform and out into London. Their farewells were small, with smiles and promises to see each other again, which of course, they would.

Sirius stood outside Kings Cross station and took a deep breath, swinging his arm around Remus's shoulders. "Well, this is it, Moony." He declared.

"What is?" Remus looked sideways at him.

"The first day of the rest of our lives." Sirius's eyes were glowing with that dangerous, erratic, insane glow and Remus couldn't stop his own smile from spreading across his lips.

Remus officially moved in with Sirius, amazed, as always, by how much room they had. The flat had enough book shelves to house all his treasured books, he had his own bathroom, his own bedroom and the kitchen had enough room to hold a party. At night, he gazed up at the ceiling, unable to sleep as thoughts of Sirius in the next room filled his mind. Eventually he slipped out of bed and padded to the next bedroom, the door opened silently and he peered into the dark, Sirius lay, spread eagle on the satin coverlets, wearing little more than a pair of pants. Remus closed the door behind him and slipped into the bed, Sirius opened and eye, smiling before rolling over and enveloping Remus in warmth.

Their first Order meeting was two weeks later in an old house that smelt of cats. Sirius stepped in through the door and gazed around, the walls were decorated in an awful patterned wall paper and as Dumbledore led them into the dining room they notice several people sat around the long table. Some of them Sirius recognised like Frank and Alice Longbottom, several years older than he and his friends but they had been in the same house. He smiled and sat down, leaning casually back in his chair, his new biker leathers creaking in a satisfying way. Another man sat across from them and he watched Sirius carefully, eyes narrowed and suspicious. He had a tangled mane of greying hair and scarred knuckles that he tapped on the table. Remus sat at Sirius's side, adjusting his robes carefully while his eyes darted around almost nervously. James threw himself into a chair and began smiling brightly around at everyone while Lily struck up a conversation with Alice.

After a few moments they heard laughter and turned to see two red headed men walking into the room, they were identical in every way. Sirius frowned thoughtfully as they seated themselves beside the grumpy older man with the scars, Sirius's eyes met the twins and their smiles fell slightly recognition flashed through them. "Hi." Sirius said grinning. "Nice to finally meet you...Prewett, I'm assuming?"

"Black." One of the twins said, looking slightly pensive.

"What is a Black doing here?" the other exclaimed, glancing at Dumbledore.

"He is here at my invitation, Fabien." Dumbledore said calmly.

Sirius ran fingers through his hair, "Can't help my name..." He muttered. He didn't like that people were still associating his name with the Dark. "Look, I'm on your side, can't we just put family rivalries aside for more than two seconds..." He held out his hand. "I'm not associated with my family anymore."

After a brief pause one of the twins shrugged and they leaned over, shaking Sirius's hand. "I'm Fabien, this is my brother, Gideon."

"Sirius." Sirius replied, his smile revealing his sharp teeth.

"Very good then." Dumbledore said glancing at an old carriage clock on the mantel piece. They waited a while more, Sirius talking quietly to James, their heads close together as they had a habit of doing. Lily sat still, her green eyes bright and slightly nervous while Remus simply watched from the sidelines. Peter arrived a few minutes late, apologising and getting caught up in his robes much to Sirius's delight as he fell flat on his face. Then several more people crowded in through the open door, they recognised Marlene McKinnon, a particularly talented blond Hufflepuff girl from their year. Dumbledore introduced Dedalus Diggle, an excitable little man who greeted them all with a bright smile and a firm handshake, Dorcas Meadowes, Emmeline Vance and many others. After a while Sirius lost track of names and began to get bored, James recognised the signs and had to kick him in the leg to stop him from whining.

"And now, we shall begin." Dumbledore said finally and Sirius sat up straight, eyes glittering. "Now, I have been tracking Voldemort's-..." he paused and allowed the general shudder as he said the forbidden name, before continuing. "...Movements and have deduced that he has every intention of attempting to take over the ministry."

"What makes you say this?" One of the Prewett's asked.

"I am simply guessing, Gideon, but my guesses are, if I may be so forward, generally correct." He smiled and everyone around the table returned it. "And so, we must first discover how he intends to do this..."

"You mean you need a spy?" Lily asked slowly.

"Of course a spy within his ranks would have been extremely useful..."

Sirius felt all eyes on him and he felt his heart skip a beat. "Wait! I'm not bloody joining the Death Eaters! You all sod off on that! I got away from all that years ago and I'm not going back!"

They looked away slightly guiltily. "Do not fear, Sirius, I am not asking anyone to join up simply to act spy. That would be a huge risk that I am unwilling to press anyone into doing. What I had in mind was simply to station people to tail known Death Eaters...this way we would keep a good eye on their movements and hopefully gain valuable information. Also, once we have that information we will be able to plan battle strategies to suite the situation. Once we have substantial information we will be able to move forward, now I would like to introduce, for those who do not know him, Alastor Moody, Head of the Auror office." Dumbledore sat down and the grumpy looking old man stood with a grunt.

"Thank you Albus. Now then, the Ministry is making a bloody cock up of this and so it falls to us to help bolster them. We are currently putting together crack teams of my Auror's to tackle any sudden movements from the Death Eaters, we will be taking the initiative on those who we know to be involved with the Dark Lord's plans and taking them out. If we start fiddling around with Ministry plans we'll just draw unwanted attention to ourselves so, for now, let's keep our movements on the hush! Right, as for battle plans, we will need small teams to go in and take out a selected target. Big groups draw more attention, so those of you good at concealment and disguise will be put forward on that one..."

Sirius and James looked at each other, speaking silently. James shook his head imperceptibly and Sirius felt Remus squeeze his hand once. No, they wouldn't be revealing their Animagus forms to the Order.

"...We must move fast and leave faster. Do you understand?" Moody finished and Alice and Frank nodded agreement.

"One last thing before you all are given your tasks." Albus said slowly, his eyes moving to Remus who paled but sat up straighter. "Have you given any more thought to my previous offer, Remus?"

Sirius put his hand on his shoulder while Remus spoke. "I have, Albus...and I...I will do it. If...if it will help."

"I am eternally in your debt my dear boy, thank you."

Remus nodded, lowering his head and people muttered around the table. Sirius leaned forward, immediately commanding all attention. "Albus, can we go with him?" he asked his eyes imploring.

"But that would be suicide!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "Why would you...?"

"Potentially, yes...But...I-we...need to know he's safe." Sirius said, careful to avoid telling him that they were the only ones who could keep Remus sane when he changed.

"I think that would be the highest degree of stupidity, Sirius. I admire your courage but I must say no, your lives are important."

Sirius looked as if he would argue but Remus shook his head. "It's alright. I'll be fine." He said and smiled, Sirius slumped back in his seat, drawing out a packet of cigarettes from his jeans pocket and tucking one behind his ear.

"If you say so." He said.

The black dog moved silently down the street, tongue lolling and its eyes glued firmly to the two people in front of it. They didn't seem aware that the dog was following them, and they spoke in hushed whispers...

"...They said that the Ministry would be there..."

"Honestly, you're too paranoid! Calm down."

"Regulus, you're new to this so I think you should know...He doesn't take kindly to failure."

The shorter of the two men paused. "You think that I am stupid?"

"No..." the taller man backed off, hands out with palms facing the younger. "I didn't mean that..."

"Then stop telling me what I already know." Regulus hissed and began walking again, his cloak rustling across the concrete. The street was silent except for the dogs soft feet padding across the ground and the Death Eaters boots, a slight breeze lifted Regulus's hair and tugged at it so he tucked it firmly behind his ears. They turned a corner, cloak tails swishing out of sight and the dog followed, keeping a steady distance. "Right...this is the spot." Regulus said softly.

"We really shouldn't be..."

"I said quiet! I didn't ask you to come along! This is _my_ task..."

"A task not given to you by the Dark Lord! Are you a fool?"

"No. I have my orders from someone closer to him than you will ever be, now...stand back..."

The taller man sighed and did as he was asked, he watched as Regulus muttered under his breath and the air became very, very cold. Sirius watched from the shadows, his eyes glowing as light formed around the two men. And then it faded. "There." Regulus said, seemingly pleased with his work. "Now, when they come, they'll end up surrounded."

"Wow...nice." The taller said. Sirius turned tail and made to slink away but something stopped him. "Hey...is that movement?"

Regulus lifted his wand again. "Come out! We know you're there."

Wand light hit the dog and he whined, sinking further into shadows. "It's just a bloody dog." The taller man said.

Regulus gazed at the animal, it looked scruffy...it was huge and black...his eyes flew open and he stepped backwards, grabbing his companion by the arm. "Kill it!" He hissed.

"What? Why?"

"That is not a dog! That's a Grim!" he had backed right into the wall. "Kill it! Or we'll both die!"

Sirius began growling on instinct, his head lowering and he tried to slowly back away while keeping the two men in sight. A wand was pointed in his direction and he saw it shaking slightly, fear filled the alley and the part of Sirius that was the dog stiffened, sniffing at the air, fight or flight...?

"Kill it, you fool!" Regulus Squeaked, but his wand was in his hand and he was firing a spell at it.

The dog yelped, the jet of red light skimming its haunches and drawing blood. It backed off again. More light shot at it and it turned tail, fleeing down the street, leaving a trail of blood behind it. It ran out into the street, it paused, panting heavily as it looked back. The figures had stopped and it huffed before moving...

A great blinding white light...

Loud, terrible screeches...

Pain shot through his body as he flew several feet into the air and crashed back to the concrete.

Sirius lay still, panting, he could see the stars above him and realised breathing was difficult. His arm was agony and he was surrounded by lights, oddly muffled voices filled his head like angrily buzzing insects but he couldn't move. He heard something...a name...

"Sirius...?"

He moved his eyes and stared into the face of his brother who was stood above him looking terrified. Then, he took a shuddery breath into his aching lungs, dragging himself to his feet. Pain shot through his ankle as he tried to put weight on it but it threw him back to the floor. He held out his wand, even though he could barely stand, pointing it at the two Death Eaters. He could feel something hot and sticky running down his face but he was too intent upon the men.

"'Scuse me? Mister? Are you alright?"

Another voice, sounding odd. He turned and saw a man, a muggle, staring at him as if he was insane. The Muggle gazed at the scene before him, he had been so sure he'd hit a dog that had been sitting in the road, but then, when he'd got out his car he'd seen a man, covered in blood. Well, man was an overstatement; he couldn't have been more than eighteen. The kid's long dark hair was matted to his face, his arm was twisted slightly and his ankle looked definitely broken. But what was strangest about the scene, was the fact that he was pointing a drum stick at two oddly dressed men who were pointing similar pieces of wood back.

"Sirius..." Regulus muttered again, unable to look for long into those overly bright silver eyes. He watched the blood drip steadily to the floor instead, feeling nauseated.

"You mean...this guys your brother? The fucking Bloodtraitor? Wow...small world. What was he doing lying in the street and where the hell is the dog?"

"Sirius...you..." Regulus was fitting it all together in his head; the soft footsteps that had followed him on and off, the hints of whines and heavy breathing haunting him where ever he went. "You've been following me?"

Sirius swayed again, biting on his tongue to stay conscious as pain ripped through him. "Reg...I..." his wand fell to his side. "I can't..." He fell sideways and into a heap on the floor, his wand falling from his fingers.


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Love and War

_**A/N: Thank you to my reviewers! You make me an awfully happy writer! :D Although, this story has taken on a life of its own lol. I have created a monster! :O Please keep enjoying!**_

Chapter Fourteen: Love and War

Remus stared vacantly at the wall. He had been doing it for quite some time and even though he could feel the book in his hands, he couldn't look at it. The clock...the clock on the wall with the batteries that Sirius insisted in getting because it was so cute and so Muggle...it ticked in a horrible way, as if it was counting down the last hours of Sirius's life. He couldn't look at it. He could only stare mindlessly. Suddenly there was a loud hammering on his door, he jumped visibly, his heart literally taking refuge in his throat as he jumped out of his seat. "Sirius..." He gasped and ran for the door. He flung it open, not even thinking straight, eyes wide as he gazed around and saw...nothing. He frowned in confusion and his eyes travelled downwards. At his feet, lying on the carpet of the hallway he saw Sirius, his white shirt was torn open, stained crimson and his arm was twisted. "Shit!" Remus gasped, falling to his knees and gently rolled his friend over. Sirius's eyes were closed and he had blood running down the side of his face, but his chest was moving. Remus let his breath out in a rush of expelled air. That was when he noticed the note, pinned to Sirius's chest. He took it in shaking fingers and read it;

_Look after him, RAB_

The script was neat, precise and looked as if it was written by someone who was writing in a hurry. He crumpled it in his shaking hand and used his wand to levitate his unconscious flat mate into the bedroom. Once he was lying on the bed he began healing him, whispering under his breath as his wand shook in his hand.

Sirius's eyes opened slowly. He groaned, feeling heavy and achy. He wondered what had happened as he struggled into a sitting position and gazed around the familiar room, his bedroom. He looked down and saw Remus, lying asleep with his head pillowed on his arms. Something was clutched in his hand and Sirius prized it from his fingers, scanning the familiar handwriting and the even more familiar signature. For a while he simply sat there, memories of being hit by a car and chased by his brother running through his mind. He smiled slightly, glad to see that his brother still seemed to care. His chest bubbled with happiness and he turned his eyes back to Remus, gently he brushed hair from his eyes and he mumbled. "Moony?" He whispered softly, letting his breath tickle his cheek. "Moony...wake up."

"Mmm...Sirius?" Remus lifted his head and blinked sleepily. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine." He replied with a smile. "Thanks for patching me up...I dread to think what I looked like."

"What happened?" Remus sat up, moving onto the bed. "You scared me."

"I told you, I'm fine. It was only a tailing mission, hardly anything dangerous."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Really, so not dangerous means that you're brought back by some unknown person covered in blood, with broken ribs, a broken ankle and a dislocated arm...?"

Sirius chuckled. "Details!" He waved his hand. "I got some information...not much but I think they're planning to ambush the Auror's Moody has patrolling Tottenham."

"Ok...but how did you end up hurt?"

"Hit by a car." Sirius's grin was full of laughter.

Remus sighed heavily. "You're useless, you know that? How on earth did you manage to get hit by a car?"

"Running from my brother who was convinced I was a Grim and decided he would kill me." Sirius laughed out loud, his sharp bark drifting through the flat and Remus couldn't stop his own smile.

At first Voldemort seemed content to work in secret, the odd disappearances and murders the only sign that he was out there. It was difficult to track his movements and the Order found themselves usually arriving too late to prevent disaster. When the storm finally broke they all felt the shockwaves.

The Prophet was printing over time, the list of the dead and missing grew exponentially. Finally, Lord Voldemort seemed on the brink of destroying everything.

It was night, Sirius stood on the roof of a building gazing out over the slums of the great city. The wind whipped his hair around his face and he lifted his eyes to the bright moon hanging above him. He tried to keep his thoughts from Remus and what he was doing, he had to concentrate. A noise behind him made him turn to see James moving in the shadows. "Pads, they're moving." He hissed.

Sirius nodded, looking down at the street below and seeing several shadows flitting between buildings. He took one last deep drag on his cigarette before crushing it beneath his boot. "Let's go." He said and James nodded, his eyes sparkling slightly in the darkness. They climbed silently down the building, using its drain pipes like a ladder. Finally they were close enough to hear words...

"Malfoy...wait!"

"No. The Dark Lord wishes this done quickly, I will not wait."

"Yes, but if we just go charging in without even..."

"I know what I am doing, Macnair. If you are cowardly enough, run...The Dark Lord would not be pleased with you, though."

Macnair paused for s split second, sharp eyes looking up and down the dimly lit street. "Alright, I'm comin'." He hissed and followed the taller figure.

Sirius grinned to himself, he hid himself in the shadows beside James. "Looks like I get to see Dear old Lucius again...how surprised he will be." He chuckled softly and James grinned. They followed the Death Eaters silently, waiting their chance.

"Here." Lucius stopped, throwing out an arm to halt his companion. "The woman lives here..."

"The Ministers sister?"

"Yes."

The house was grand looking, tall, at least three stories with an attic. Lucius gazed up at it, seeing a single flickering light on before smiling. "I am sure she will appreciate it if we knock." He stepped up to the door but froze when he felt the sharp jab of a wand in the small of his back. His grey eyes widened. "Macnair...?" he hissed softly. A soft chuckle and hot breath on his neck made him go cold inside.

"Oh no...I'm afraid your scrawny little companion is...busy."

Lucius could hear the scuffle behind him but dared not turn around. He closed his eyes briefly, trying to work out where he knew that voice from. It was strong and confident, full of a cocky arrogance that he knew well... "My, if it isn't little Sirius Black, come to play with the big boys have you?" He taunted softly. The wand dug sharply into his ribs and the short chuckle came again, a hand steered him backwards, away from the front door of the house.

"You could say that, Lucy." Sirius grinned. "I guess this family gets more fucked up the longer I'm away..." He pushed Malfoy forward, he lurched and stumbled on the hem of his robes. He saw another boy stood in the shadow of another house, he was smiling.

"Hi, long time no see, Mr. Prefect. How's life treating the great and wonderful Lucius Malfoy?"

"Potter." Lucius drawled, lifting his chin. Macnair lay in a bloodied heap at Potter's feet, the boy gave him a casual kick in the back as he passed.

"Your friend didn't put up much of a fight." He said, adjusting his glasses. "Bet you'll be a much more fun challenge." He held his wand in one hand as he ran fingers through his messy hair with the other. "Sirius, take his wand."

"Yes sir!" Sirius said with badly suppressed glee, he reached around, dipping his hand into Lucius's pocket. He took hold of the thin stick of wood and made to withdraw it until a cold hand clamped down on his wrist.

"I think you would regret doing that, Black." Lucius said calmly, both hands still in the air. "You are now surrounded." He smiled as Sirius was dragged away from him and Potter spun around, wand out and trying to decide who to aim at. Several Death Eaters moved in slowly, there was a scuffle and a sharp yelp of pain as Sirius collapsed to his knees. Lucius drew out his own wand and pointed it directly into Black's face. "Drop your wand Potter, or I will take great pleasure in mutilating your precious friends face...I am certain he won't look half as pretty after I am done with him."

"J-James..." Sirius was cut off as someone hit him in the face. He spat blood to the floor with a low growl, glaring up at Malfoy.

James lowered his wand slowly, placing it on the floor. "Alright...just don't hurt him." he said slowly, hazel eyes met Sirius's and in a flash they worked out a plan.

It didn't take much, all Sirius did was lash out with his leg, booting his captor in the thigh so he was released. He then wrestled his wand from the man's grasp and turned, grinning into Malfoy's shocked face and sent him flying with a curse. Then everything exploded into light, shouts and screams as Sirius and James ended up back to back, surrounded by wands all pointing directly at them.

James gazed around at the seemingly solid wall of black that surrounded them, he could feel Sirius at his back, panting slightly. "Well, Padfoot, old friend, it looks as if they managed to turn the tables."

"Indeed, Prongs...what's the plan?"

James considered but before he could speak, Malfoy stepped from the ring. "We came to catch a rabbit and instead managed to find bigger...much more valuable prey. The Dark Lord will be most impressed, we should be able to extract valuable information from you two...you are close to Dumbledore and the Order..."

Sirius laughed, it echoed through the streets. "You think we'd give up information to you? Anyone would think we'd never even met!"

"Dear cousin, we will not be asking you...we will take the information we need by force. I will enjoy this far too much..." Lucius pointed his wand directly between Sirius's eyes. "Now, scream..."

Sirius saw a bright flash of red before he fell. James spun around only to feel something slam into his back, he stumbled, his breathing catching in his throat as he collapsed to the floor, wand slipping from his fingers. Agony washed through him and he gritted his teeth, rolling onto his side and searching for his only weapon, his glasses sat lopsidedly on his face and he squinted through his pain. Sirius was still, his chest hardly moving, fear clamped down on James's throat but he scrambled around and finally his fingers tightened around the grip of his wand. He climbed unsteadily to his feet, swaying slightly as he tried to ignore the burning in his back. He felt a mad kind of grin stretch his lips and he laughed slightly. "We're hardly...going to...let you take us...!" He gasped.

"You can hardly stand, what are you planning to do?" Malfoy replied, raising an eyebrow.

James heard Sirius groan and shift on the floor. "Pads? You alright?" he asked, turning his head slightly.

Sirius raised himself onto hands and knees blinking blood from his eyes. "'M ok..." he muttered, grabbing his wand and standing, he swayed drunkenly, his vision blurring painfully. "I'm...alright..." He said again, through gritted teeth.

Remus woke with a sudden jolt, his eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright. It took him a few minutes to work out that someone was knocking on the door, he shook his head to clear it before standing up, the book he had fallen asleep reading fell to the floor with a thump. He yanked open the door and saw James and Sirius standing there, James held Sirius upright his eyes bright and there was something...odd about them. His smile was off as he stepped over the threshold and sat Sirius gently down on the sofa. James straightened, hands shaking as he ran both hands through his hair. "M-Moony..." He muttered, his face twisting slightly. "...God..." he fell down beside Sirius and hung his head, hands gripping his hair firmly. "T-They...They killed...they killed her..." He gasped after a long pause.

Remus knelt before him. "Who?" He asked, his throat dry.

"Margery the...the Ministers sister...I-I..." he looked lost, his eyes dark and blank.

"We couldn't stop them." Sirius muttered, blood trickling down his face as he sat up straight. "The...the dark mark..." he shook head, hair sticking his forehead in the blood. "Shit!" He swore, his hands making an odd jerky movement as if he wasn't entirely sure what to do with them. "It was horrible...She...she was screaming...and-and...we were...t-trapped...Fuck!"

"They surrounded us." James said in a whisper. "When she came out of her house...to see what the noise was...I tried...I tried to stop her but..." James sighed and tipped his head back against the sofa. "It was too late...It all happened so fast and I had to get us away...by the time I could get near her she was..."

"Lying there...just kind of...staring up at us..." Sirius finished, his voice low and rough.

Remus licked his lips, he stood slowly. "Let's get you a drink..." He said softly.

"Firewhisky." Sirius said immediately.

"Please..." James finished softly.

When Remus returned with the glasses Sirius took his in a shaking, crimson hand and knocked it back straight away. James gazed into his glass with empty eyes before lifting it to his lips and drinking. "Death is..." He began slowly.

"Undignified." Sirius looked at Remus, his eyes dark and haunted. "Will you...be alright?"

Remus tried to ease the look of fear on their faces but failed, his smile felt stiff and fake. "I will be, Sirius. I'm one of them, after all and...really...they are trying to recruit...it shouldn't be too hard." He couldn't look them in the eyes, every time he thought about the next night he felt terror rip through him. He feared hurting someone, he feared being torn to shreds as soon as he stepped in through the door of the Werewolves den...he feared leaving Sirius behind when he was so obviously struggling with this death.

The next night Remus left the house alone, he couldn't stay and see that look in Sirius's eyes. He hated what he had to do, he hated even more that he had to leave Sirius alone...but what choice did he have? He was the only person in the Order who was able to integrate with the Werewolves, he had to do it.

The club was hot, almost too hot. Sirius was surrounded by sweaty flesh, hands groped him as he drowned himself in the pleasures of the girl in his arms. He was pulled away, his head swimming as a mouth claimed his own, a nubile tongue sliding against his own. He groaned with relish. He had felt trapped in the flat, doing nothing but await Remus's return...he had left and found this dingy little underground club. He was now in a tangled mass of limbs, the heavy, pulsing drone of an electric guitar thrumming through his body and the sticky taste of whisky on his lips.

The girl was holding something in her fingers, her eyes alight as Sirius opened his mouth obligingly and she slipped the odd tab onto his tongue. She giggled and the thing dissolved.

The world was strange. Colours were magnified to an almost painful intensity, static objects began to seem to crawl across the floor, blurring and shifting oddly. Sirius leaned against the wall, breathing heavily as he watched people dancing so slowly it was as if they were trying to break free of a stasis charm. Everything was bubbling, the walls themselves not even standing still as they bulged outwards, almost reaching for the occupants of the club before moving back again. He felt his legs give way as he slid down the wall and onto the floor, which undulated beneath him. The rhythm of the pounding drums, the screech of the guitars filled his head and as he closed his eyes he could see the music. Bright pulsing colour, flashing across the back of his eyelids as they morphed into patterns, greens twined with yellow and twisted into blocks that faded away before bright red circles replaced them. He thought he heard a voice, distorted and slow, warping in his ears until it hardly made sense. Then he felt hands on his thighs, sliding upwards, pressure on his lips made him open his eyes and gaze at the girl. "What do you see...?" She gasped.

"The music..." he muttered, his voice slurring badly as he giggled. "It's colourful..."

She laughed and kissed him again, her lipstick tasting like wax and plastic, her tongue tasted of vodka and red wine and cigarettes. He shoved fingers into her hair and moaned, it was like silk! Her small elegant fingers ripped open his jeans and before he could process what was happening he groaned, throwing his head back against the wall, his fingers still wrapped firmly in her hair as wet heat encased him. He couldn't pay attention to anything for very long, until a sudden violent rush of pleasure ripped him from gazing thoughtfully at the ceiling. He bit down on his lower lip, tasting blood as he came. The girl lifted her head, panting and wiping her mouth she smiled at him.

Sirius stumbled into the apartment, he gripped a bottle of vodka in one hand, a cigarette dangled from the corner of his mouth as he slammed the door open and stumbled over the threshold, giggling like a girl. It was morning, the sun low in the sky as he fell onto the rug and lay still.

"Where have you been?"

The soft voice made Sirius laugh, smoke issued from his mouth and he sat up slowly, his leather jacket hanging off of his shoulders. He took a deep swig of the vodka, finishing the bottle before letting it fall back to the floor with a clatter. "Mooony..." He slurred, swaying even where he sat. "I would ge' up...bu' ya'see...theressss this problem wiv me legs...they aint workin'..." he choked out laughter as if he had said something hilarious.

Remus looked at him, his pupils were huge, leaving only a thin silver ring around the outside. His t-shirt was dirty, Remus could smell the scent of perfume and semen on him even from where he stood in the door to the kitchen. He had lipstick smeared across one cheek and his jeans were undone, his belt hanging loosely over one leg. Sirius stubbed his cigarette out on an ash tray on the coffee table and fell back again. "You scare me." Remus whispered softly from the door way. He moved forward, feet treading carefully across the rug so he ended up gazing down at Sirius who looked too far gone to even recognise him. "You can't keep living like this." He knelt down, brushing hair from Sirius's face, those eyes gazed up blankly at the ceiling, his lips slightly parted and bruised from prolonged kissing. Remus clenched his teeth and sat back, hands curling into fists on his thighs. Sirius hadn't even seen the large, horrible looking wound that marred Remus's face, or the blood stained shirt he was still wearing. Sirius hadn't even asked him how he was...and Remus felt a savage stab of pain before standing and walking away, back to his own bedroom.

That was the first time Remus returned to an empty house, but it wouldn't be the last.

The war progressed, Sirius witnessed the deaths of strangers, he held their hands and watched the light fade from their eyes before closing them. He stood by while allies were killed, he found himself swamped by darkness and he was drowning...

There was a young Auror, a boy who had just passed his exams, a smiling, excited boy who wanted to be a hero. Sirius liked him, although he thought he was a bit pretentious at times, but he got on well with James...until they were ambushed.

Sirius spun around as a scream rent the air, his eyes had time to widen briefly as the whole street exploded around him. He didn't know if he screamed or not. The sound was deafening, and when he next opened his eyes all he could hear was an awful ringing. He was looking up into James's terrified face, blood ran down his head from a terrible wound and his hair was covered in dust, he was shaking Sirius violently...yet it all seemed oddly slow as if Sirius was still affected by the LSD.

"Sirius!" James shouted, shaking his friend desperately by the shoulders. He watched Sirius's eyes flicker open and almost sighed in relief. But Sirius's eyes were blank, confused and the way he shook made James's stomach twist in terror. "Sirius! Snap out of it! We have to get out of here!"

"Oh! Look who it is!"

Sirius knew that voice. He sat upright, wand in hand as he pointed it at the dark figure that moved towards them through the dense dust and debris that rained down on them. The ringing in his ears had dulled to a dull throb. "James! Run!" He said and climbed to his feet, dragging James with him. he pushed his friend in the back, making him stumble but they broke into a run. They ran for their lives, dodging flashes of coloured lights and that insane screaming laughter that haunted Sirius's darkest moments. He turned briefly to look over his shoulder and saw her coming after them. A jet of green light swept towards them, Sirius pushed James to the floor and it whizzed over their heads. He stood again, grabbing James and pushing him forward. "Go! Get the hell out of here...I-I'll..." he swallowed. "I'll hold her off." He said firmly.

"Wait! Where's Brookes?" James asked suddenly remembering the boy they'd been partnered with.

Sirius's eyes widened. "I'll go look for him. Run! Go tell the others we've been ambushed!"

James nodded, but not before he'd dragged Sirius into a hug. "Don't die." He gasped before turning and legging it.

Bellatrix stepped through the smoke, grinning as if she had been given the best present in the world as she eyed her cousin. Sirius stood there, wand raised and eyes narrowed, he had blood smeared across his cheek, his shirt was torn and his jeans shredded to reveal grazes beneath. But he looked defiant, an expression she remembered so well from when he had lived with his mother. "Haven't you grown, Sirius!" She said mockingly. Sirius was silent, merely glaring at her through heavily lidded eyes that reflected her own so closely. No one could deny that they were related. "I'm glad we could meet, dearest cousin, It will be my pleasure to hear your screams as I destroy you!"

"Try it, Bella." Sirius replied in challenge. The curse she threw at Sirius was blocked, it went flying and hit a wall crumbling it. Sirius stepped back a pace, waiting on tender-hooks for the next shot.

"This isn't any fun!" Bella pouted moodily. "I wanted to play some more...but I have to go..." Sirius felt a twinge of guilty relief at that. "Well, I will give you something to remember me by, Ickle Siwi."

Sirius couldn't block it. He was thrown to the floor, wand flying through the air and he was screaming, writhing around like a fish out of water. Agony set fire to his veins, his throat tore as he the pain engulfed his senses. After what felt like a several years, he was released. He lay on his side, drawing in shuddery breaths as fingers tightened in his hair and his head dragged backwards, he gazed into his cousins eyes. "Remember this, cousin, I will kill you. Not today...maybe not tomorrow...but one day, I will finish you and the last thing you will see is my face laughing at you. You pathetic little blood-traitor."

He was released, as darkness claimed him.

He came around and struggled to his hands and knees, picking up his wand as he stood with a grunt. He swayed slightly and began walking through the devastated street. His feet caught in something and he tripped, splitting open his palms and smearing crimson across the rubble. He sat up, clutching his pounding head as he looked at what had tripped him. "B-Brookes..." he croaked, his throat sore. He stared at the body, the boy had taken the full blast of the explosion by the look of him. Crimson spattered the concrete, half his face had been blown away and the remaining eye gazed at Sirius piteously, as if begging for help. Sirius felt his gorge rise and he turned away, vomiting violently. He sat still, gasping desperately, clutching handfuls of his hair and squeezing his eyes shut. "Stop it!" he muttered. "I-I didn't...I didn't know! I didn't..." he curled in on himself, unable to look at that single, staring eye as it silently accused him. "I'm sorry." He whispered into his hands as he heard footsteps.

That night Sirius went out again. Remus watched him leave, he couldn't stop him. He sat in the room, arms wrapped around his knees as he gazed at a photograph on a shelf. It showed Sirius sitting astride his motorbike, aviator sunglasses perched on his nose and a cocky smile on his face. He was wearing a silver chain around his throat and Remus could remember so clearly grabbing it, twisting it tightly so he could hardly draw breath before kissing him. He remembered feeling those hands sliding down his back, lifting him up and pushing him onto the table in the shed they had been borrowing from Peter's parents. Tools had gone flying as Sirius had nipped and bit at Remus's throat, growling slightly as he did so. He closed his eyes as he remembered digging his nails into Sirius's shoulders as he thrust wildly. They had come together, mouths locked in a deep, probing kiss as they had swallowed each other's moans. He sighed, whispering into the gathering dark; "Sirius..."

Sirius realised that the only way he could cope with watching people die was to lose himself completely. He went out, found anyone willing to fuck him and let them. Whether male or female he didn't care. He took copious amounts of drugs, got so drunk he could hardly walk and ended up crashing several times in some dingy alley way. The drugs changed depending on his mood, if he was at a club he would go for Coke, Speed or some other random thing that heightened his emotions...simply so he could stop feeling that overpowering sense of darkness that plagued him. He sank himself into the Muggle world of hedonism, simply allowing his senses to take over, revelling in the pounding music, the intense orgasms and the magnificent highs. He realised that it was easier to cope with everything, all those dead, accusing eyes didn't seem to plague him so much when he was pressed into a mattress in some random, cheap hotel. The morning after he would sneak away, leaving his night time companions and returning home...when he saw Remus he would fall into his arms, clutching at him, dragging him to the floor and try desperately to hold onto his slipping sanity.

"Remus..." He muttered one morning, the flat was silent except for his ragged breaths as his fingers clutched Remus's t-shirt so tightly it had torn along the seam. "Remus...don't let go..." he squeezed his eyes shut tightly against the burning pain in his chest, his heart beat like a terrible drum.

Remus could do nothing but hold him, run his fingers through his knotted hair and hush him. He pushed aside the agony, the terrible, gut wrenching pain as he realised that Sirius was slipping away from him...down a deep, dark well that he had made for himself. "It's not your fault, Sirius." He whispered, "None of it..."

Sirius said nothing, pressing his forehead into Remus's chest as he shook violently in his arms. He didn't raise his head, but Remus could feel the hot tears soak into his clothes and he tipped his head back against the wall at his back. He didn't want to tell Sirius that all the self abuse and sleeping around were silently killing him...with each passing moment, every time he was dragged to the floor by shaking hands he could feel his heart turn colder.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Silence

_**A/N: Lily and James's wedding! Awww! Thanks to my faithful reviewers! Hope you keep enjoying! :D**_

Chapter Fifteen: Silence

"We're getting married." James declared one day.

Sirius looked up at him from the Paper and raised an elegant eyebrow. Lily smiled, her hand gripping James's tightly, they both looked delighted and Sirius smiled. "Well, congratulations...but don't you think it's all a bit...well...fast?"

James's smile slipped slightly. "We can't wait." He said gravely. "We could both be dead tomorrow and I don't want to lose this chance...Padfoot..." He leaned forward, eagerly. "Would you do me the honour of becoming my best man?"

Sirius dropped the paper, his eyes widening before a wonderful, happy grin split his face. He was up, dragging James into an embrace, kissing his forehead. "I'd love to!" He said before leaning down and planting a soft kiss on Lily's cheek. "I'm flattered...really." He pulled away.

The wedding was small but beautiful. Remus and Peter both sat in the front row and watched as Sirius handed James the rings, Lily seemed unable to stop smiling as the small gathering broke into applause as the couple kissed. It was like a ray of sunshine had broken through the clouds of misery that surrounded them, illuminating the entire scene and giving it an odd, fairy tale-like quality.

Sirius clung desperately to that short, blissful moment as he watched his best friend dance with his new wife. Lily looked gorgeous in her ivory dress and James spun her around so it flared around her feet. The world was wonderful, if only for a few hours and Sirius made sure to seal it into his memory forever...

Remus smiled, standing quietly in a corner as he watched Sirius dance with the bride and James laughing with Peter. He sipped his drink soaking up the atmosphere and letting it ease his aching heart. "This is a wonderful occasion, Remus." He turned to see Dumbledore smiling at him.

"It is, Its like a dream." Remus whispered as Sirius lifted Lily up by the hips and spun her around, his laughter slicing through the general murmur of party goers.

"Love is the most powerful force in this world, it is a magic we will never understand."

Remus glanced at the Headmaster, he wasn't exactly sure what he was getting at. "Sir?" he asked.

Dumbledore smiled mysteriously. "Dear boy, love can heal almost any wound, no matter how deep or dark..." With that he walked away to speak to Lily's parents.

Remus watched Sirius as the dance ended, he kissed Lily on the cheek and strode towards him. The smile was so nostalgic and wonderful that Remus returned it. "Hey..." Sirius gasped as he took Remus's drink from his hands and finished it. "Nice night for it." He said, his eyes sparkling like they hadn't done in a long time.

"Mm." Remus agreed with a nod. "Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"I..." Remus faltered and shook his head. "You know what? Let's dance." He grabbed Sirius's hand and pulled him onto the dance floor.

"Woah...what are you...? Hey, Moony...this is going to make people talk..." Sirius said.

Remus turned him and looked into his eyes. "Let them talk." He said softly. "I want this...just...let me pretend for a...while..."

Sirius's face went serious before he nodded, his smile resurfacing. "Who's leading?"

Remus laughed. "I can't dance!"

"What? Well, I guess I'll have to show you..." He took Remus's hand in one of his own and slipped the other around his back. He led him through the steps smoothly, Remus was always shocked when Sirius showed this side of his upbringing; Dance lessons, etiquette tutoring, calligraphy, and proper social conduct. Sirius must have hated it all, but he did it all flawlessly. As Sirius led him around the floor in a slow waltz he leaned in, whispering softly in his ear... "_Tes yeux sont comme__le caramel,__j'aime__la façon dont vous__me vont__si bien_." He spoke in a flawless French accent, his smile soft and gentle as he turned Remus on the spot and the Werewolf couldn't help but laugh. Sirius knew several languages, but French was one his parents insisted he learn perfectly.

"I have no idea what you just said!" Remus replied as the dance came to a finish. Sirius bowed, hair falling in front of his eyes as he looked up at his friend.

"Doesn't matter." He said, chuckling. "I'm thirsty, you want a drink?" Remus nodded and watched Sirius walk over to the bar, he could still feel Sirius's hot breath on his ear, he could hear the low rumble of that voice and he shivered.

Peter sat in a corner. Alone...again. He had been happy about his invitation to the Potters' wedding but as he watched James talking to Lily's Muggle parents he felt a flash of jealousy that was so intense he almost felt it burn his heart. James was tall, thin and so charming he could almost wheedle his way out of any sticky situation. Peter had to look away as Lily leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, he didn't want to watch his friends gain happiness when he was little more than a shadow. His eyes moved to see Sirius talking to an older woman who was laughing and smiling, two drinks were in his hands and as Peter listened he could hear him jabbering away in French.

"_...__alors bien sûr__,__je lui ai envoyé__emballage__.__Elle__n'était pas aussi__bon que je__pensais qu'elle était__, me donnant__ces__yeux de biche__toute la nuit__..."_

Peter had heard him speak it before, when he was angry he would sometimes start screaming wildly in the language as if he had spoken it at home. Sirius's dress robes were black, silver lined the bell sleeves and he looked, more than ever, the perfect ideal of Voldemort's 'Pureblood is power' philosophy. He was the epitome of the Black name, suave, charming, dangerous and very, very handsome. Peter felt a moody frown on his face as he squirmed in his seat. He knew that Sirius was living with Remus, which meant they were probably shagging every night in various ways and the thought made him sick. He hated Sirius, he hated him for what he was, for the way everything came to him so easily, for the way he could have whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and he didn't take advantage of these traits. He was generous, funny, usually the life and soul of the party but most of all he was loyal...loyal to the point where he would probably destroy himself for his friends. Peter glared as Sirius tipped the lady an easy wink before gliding across the room and handing Remus his drink, he leaned down, whispering something into his ear that made Remus's eyes flash amber and a small smile light his face. He said something back and shoved Sirius playfully in the shoulder. Everything came so easy to all of them, Peter was left to sit in dark corners, always outshined, always shoved to the sidelines because Sirius and James' light would never reach that far.

Sirius lay on the grass, his robes spread around him as he gazed up at the stars, James lay at his side, fingers twined with Lily's. Remus lay on Sirius's other side smiling drunkenly up at the sky, Peter lay with them, his smile conspicuous only because of its absence.

"I want this to last forever." James breathed softly, breaking the comfortable silence. The guests had left and they lay in James's back garden, and it was as if there was no war, it was as if there was no darkness waiting for them when they stepped beyond the borders.

"It's like a dream..." Sirius agreed. "I'm happy for you."

James grinned, feeling Lily's fingers tighten on his own. "Thanks, mate."

Peter pushed away his jealousy and tried to get in on the conversation. "Look...I can see Orion!" He said, pointing at the stars.

Sirius tipped his head back, looking to where Peter was pointing, he snorted derisively. "No, you prat! Look..." He lifted his own arm, his sleeve slipping down it. He traced a straight line in the sky. "If you want to find Orion, look for the straight line...Orion's belt..." he shivered slightly, even though the weather wasn't all that cold, the constellation reminded him of his father's belt and the pain that came with it. "It's a person...see? He's holding a bow...if you go left of Orion and down a bit, you get Canis Major...his faithful hunting companion." His smile was lopsided.

Lily seemed entranced, lifted her arm and pointed as well. "So, what's that one...just above Canis Major?" She asked, having not studied Astronomy.

Sirius squinted slightly. "Monoceros." He said.

"You always manage to impress me, Padfoot, old man." James said with a grin.

Sirius shrugged. "Half my family are named after stars and constellations...it's not all that surprising I know them." He gazed up at his own star, the one he secretly liked and smiled, it had always been there for him, accepting his half muttered prayers and desperate wishes for freedom...it had listened to his dreams, his fears and his nightmares...all the while flickering violently like a broken wand. It seemed to absorb his anger, taking it in and making it its own...it was his star, his companion.

A few weeks after the wedding Sirius sat by the window, gazing out at London as it stretched around him. Then he spotted it, a tiny black dot that grew rapidly as it drew closer...

He realised it was an owl and threw the window open, it flew inside and landed gracefully on the coffee table. Sirius gazed at it, shock holding him in place. The owl looked at him down its beak as if it was glaring at him. It ruffled its feathers indignantly before taking off, hitting him over the head with a wing. Sirius gazed at the parchment letter it had dropped...he looked at it but was unable to touch it. He could clearly see the wax seal, that black wax seal with that horribly familiar crest on it. It took a second for him to realise that he wasn't breathing, his breath rushed from him in a huff and he reached, picking up the expensive quality parchment. He could see his name, written in delicate cursive, he knew...somehow he _knew_ that whatever the letter contained it couldn't be good. But his hands had taken on a life of their own and he tore it open, pulling free the letter. It was short and to the point.

_Sirius,_

_Your brother is dead. No body was retrieved, but we will be holding a funeral all the same._

_Walburga._

Sirius felt all his breath leave him. His eyes widened and it was as if he'd gone blind. The parchment fell from numb fingers and he stared blankly at the wall.

Remus hummed as he stepped out of the bathroom, rubbing his hair with a towel. He stepped lightly into the living room only to jump suddenly as a vase smashed with a violent crack against the wall. He looked up to see Sirius standing still, his head down and his breathing heavy. The air crackled. It was thick, like syrup and so familiar Remus almost stepped back...but he couldn't. He walked forward warily and Sirius's eyes met his. They were dark, so dark they looked like clouds. With a bang like a gun the window cracked and Sirius fell to his knees, gripping his hair tightly. Remus ran to his side. "Sirius? What's wrong?" He realised he was kneeling on a piece of paper. He lifted it and read it slowly. "Oh...Sirius...I-I'm sorry..."

"My fault." He whispered hoarsely, seeming to shrink with the weight of his grief. "It's all my fault! Remus...I killed him! I killed him!"

"No! You didn't! We don't know what happened! You can't just..."

Sirius looked at him, eyes glazed as a nearby ashtray took flight around the room and shattered into crystallised fragments. "He saw me!" He hissed furiously. "He thought I was a Grim!"

Remus stared at him. "That's ridiculous, Sirius! If that was true, James and I would both have died a long time ago!"

Sirius pushed him away suddenly and shot to his feet. "I-I'm going...I'm going to the funeral!" He said desperately. "I-I'll beg forgiveness...I-I'll...Fuck! Regulus!" His voice cracked and he pulled on his hair, eyes squeezed shut. "I should have stayed!" he screamed suddenly, the window shattering completely allowing the wind to grab the curtains and suck them outside. "I should have stayed and protected him!"

Remus could do nothing. He sat on his knees, watching his friend crumble and felt himself go cold.

Sirius disappeared. For days, his friends were unable to find him, and he was glad they couldn't because he knew they would think him stupid for doing what he was doing. He lurked in the trees outside his old house, he watched the door, filling himself with memories of pain, humiliation and utter despair. And yet, he could still see Regulus's face...smiling...

One day he saw his mother step out of the house, flowers in her hand as she began walking down the street. Sirius followed, knowing where she was going.

They were in a graveyard, it was old. The stones cracked and worn with age as Sirius walked through it, the gnarled rowan trees were laden with red fruit and they whispered to him as he stopped a little way from a large, ornate tomb. Walbuga Black stood before it, eyes on the inscription and the flowers in her fingers trembled. She felt someone watching and turned.

Sirius could see how much his mother had aged, her face was lined but still regal and her eyes still piercing daggers as her face crumpled into furious, grief driven hatred as she spotted her eldest son. "YOU!" She screamed furiously, pointing at him with a long finger. Sirius stood perfectly still as she flew at him, hammering her fists on his chest, she slapped him across the face, her nails tearing the skin. "YOU KILLED HIM! You murdered him! My little Regulus...My baby boy! Give him back to me...you traitorous filth! Give him BACK!"

Sirius fell backwards into the tree, grabbing his mother's wrists in his hands automatically. She struggled violently. He realised how small she was, she looked as if he could snap her in half. "I'm sorry..." He gasped suddenly, falling to his knees. "I'm so sorry!" he covered his bleeding face in his hands.

"You should be! Why didn't you die? Why couldn't you have died in his place? Oh! My poor, sweet little Regulus! He was so good...such a good boy!" She had tears flowing down her cheeks as her eyes gazed down at her only living son. "Regulus was worth ten times as much as you! You disgust me! I cannot even bare to look at you! To think that you came from me! I am ashamed! I wish you would die!" She screamed desperately, a little spittle flying as she spoke.

Sirius's hands slipped from his face and he looked up at the woman who had raised him, the woman who had bullied, beaten and nearly killed him...and he felt nothing. If she was to die, he was pretty sure he wouldn't care at all. But her words stung. They were more powerful than any curse or knife...he shuddered. "I wish..." he began slowly. "I wish it had been me."

Sirius stayed where he was as his mother walked away, she paused. "I hope that you will regret it for the rest of your life, you are no son of mine." And with those parting words she left him.

After a moment Sirius climbed to his feet, stumbling over to the tomb and looking up at the inscription on the ancient stone. "_Nobilissimum__templum__antiquum Black."_ He muttered and hung his head, fingers resting on the heavy door. "It should have been me, Reg...I should have died in your place..." He closed his eyes and sighed heavily before lifting his wand and giving it a wave, a bunch of white carnations appeared and he lay them by the door before walking away.

Remus sat, curled up on the sofa, gazing out the window and waiting. All he ever seemed to do lately was wait for him, he knew he would probably return in an awful state...he knew that Sirius would come back to him wounded, bloody and probably off his face on something. But he couldn't stop himself from staying up all night, blanket wrapped around his shoulders and waiting...waiting as the dawn caressed the horizon and the stars faded...waiting for the man he loved to return to him broken and beaten...defeated.

James stood before the door, he lifted his hand and knocked, it was flung open and he saw himself staring at Remus who had a blanket trailing from him and a half hopeful, half terror stricken expression on his prematurely lined face. When he saw that it was James he sighed heavily, hanging his head. "Sorry, I thought you were..."

James shook his head and followed his friend into the flat. "I guess that means he's not back yet?" He said as he sat on the sofa. Remus sat at his side, head hanging low and his feet tucked beneath him.

"No." He whispered. "It's been...a week and I..." he shook his head. "I can't stand it."

James pulled Remus to his side and embraced him. "He'll come back to us, Moony...he always does. He's Padfoot...he always finds his way back home." He felt Remus holding his shirt tightly but they said no more and sat in silence, waiting.

That night Remus woke to hear the door opening, his eyes flew open and he went for his wand, grabbing it and slipping out of bed, he could hear James stirring from where he was sleeping at his side. "Wha' issit?" He murmured. Remus shushed him with a finger to his lips and James picked up his own wand from the bedside table. Together, in nothing but their pyjama's they crept into the hall and into the reception room.

There was a dark figure sitting on the rug, head resting on his knees and Remus let out a rush of breath he hadn't known he was holding, he ran to Sirius's side, throwing himself to his knees and dragging his head up to look into dark silver eyes. "Sirius?" He muttered.

Sirius was shaking as he shook his head. "He's gone..." he murmured and Remus threw his arms around him, breathing in the clear scent of the outdoors, blood and cigarettes. James joined them, wrapping his arms around both of them as they sat there.

"Don't...don't ever do that again." Remus gasped into Sirius's hair. "Please...Please...stop this."

Sirius said nothing, he closed his eyes tightly. James pulled away after a moment, his hair sticking up all over the place as he moved over to the dead fireplace and pointed his wand at it, flames exploded in the hearth and he returned to his friends. They curled up with each other, arms wrapping around bodies and their breathing slightly shaky as they stared into the flames, none of them spoke...there was no need to...the silence said everything.

War, like an impossible dark shadow, crept into the world. Its talons were poison, it's breath the very fog of death and destruction...everyday news came of someone's death. They fought. James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Peter...all standing side by side, wands pointing at the shadows as they tried to hold off the darkness. When they returned to their homes, bloodied, broken and world weary there was only silence to greet them.

One day Albus announced that the Order would be holding a small get together to mourn their losses and to try and reaffirm bonds. The Marauders agreed to attend, they needed a break. It was held in an old manor house somewhere in Derby, the hall was grand and Sirius felt his mood lighten slightly as he heard laughter. It was winter and the snow swirled outside the windows, the impressive grounds were white and perfect and Sirius had the urge to go outside and ruin that perfection. Remus sat by the warm fire, talking softly to Mad-eye while Lily and James spoke to Albus softly. Peter stood in a corner looking awkward, his watery blue eyes darting around almost nervously. Sirius shoved a hand deep into his pocket, looking out at that all too tempting snow, he felt eyes on him and turned to see James smiling he returned it, unable to help himself. James moved away from Lily striding towards him, he took his arm and they pulled open the door, stepping out into the freezing air. "Snow ball fight!" James declared loudly enough for everyone to hear. Sirius laughed and ran out into the snow after his friend.

Lily watched with a smile as her husband balled up snow, throwing them at Sirius who dodged, hair flying and his laughter echoing through the night. "It would probably be wise to go and join them don't you think?" Albus said with a warm smile.

Remus turned and saw Lily running across the hall and out into the snow, he smiled and stood, grabbing Peter and pulling him with him. They joined the snowball fight, their laughter lifting to the sky. Sirius waved his wand, firing several, rather large balls at James who flicked his own, turning them around. Remus grabbed handfuls of snow, compacting it before throwing it at Lily who retaliated with vengeance.

Dumbledore watched them play, a smile on his face as he sipped a drink. Alastor stumped over to him with a wince, taking a swig from a hip flask. "They're still kids, Albus." He growled roughly. "This doesn't feel right."

"They are, Alastor...but we need them." Albus replied softly, his voice grave as Sirius's bark-like laugh filled the chilly night as he tackled James to the floor, rubbing snow into his face. Remus laughed, the sound bright and carefree...they could have been at Hogwarts again, indulging in those summer filled days, surrounded by light and happiness.

Slowly other Order members joined in, and the laughter grew. The moon, waning slowly, was high above them making everything glitter with a magical silver sheen. Sirius stood still, his hair soaking wet as he looked up at it, an arm slipped around his shoulders and he smiled at James. A smaller form pressed into his side and Lily rested her cold cheek on his shoulder as they were joined by Remus. The four of them gazed up at the sky, chests heaving slightly as they recovered from their activities.

"Only time will tell if we will have victory in this war." Dumbledore said, watching the teenagers hold each other and stare up at the sky. "We must have hope..."

"I don't see hope in their futures." Alastor growled. "It's dark, dirty business they're involved in and it'll destroy 'em...you've taken away their childhoods." He said it casually as he grunted, shifting his wooden leg into a more comfortable position. "The Dark Lord aint gunna lie down, they don't yet understand the terror of what they've got themselves into..."

Albus sighed, a puff of white from his lips. "I understand, Alastor...but I could not imagine winning this war without their help, we need people willing to lay down their lives." He watched Remus's hand slip into Sirius's and the smile that crossed their faces as their eyes met.

Candles glittered as they hovered near the ceiling. Sirius and Lily danced to music played from a Phonograph in a corner, it was a stiff, formal dance. Lily laughed as Sirius bowed low before lifting her hand and moving to face the other end of the hall. "This is like something out of Pride and Prejudice!" She said gleefully.

"I don't know what that is, but I'll take it as a compliment." He smiled, a flash of very white teeth as they turned, weaving around each other, only ever touching hands.

They moved through the hall, people watching and laughing as Lily almost fell. James couldn't take his eyes off of her, he stood there, biting his lower lip as he watched her move, less graceful and secure than Sirius but more lovely for it, or so he thought.

The pair turned in a slow circle, their hands touching. "You're very graceful, you know." Sirius said with a smile.

"Why, if I didn't know any better, Mr. Black, I would say you were flirting with me!" Lily said as he took her hand again, moving in smooth, calculated steps.

"If your husband wasn't my best mate, then trust me, I would be." Sirius winked and the dance came to an end. He bowed low and rose, kissing her hand before leading her back to her husband. "James, I do believe this is yours." He put their hands together and grinned.

"Good, now she can tell me how pathetic I am at dancing in comparison to you! Do you enjoy showing me up, Padfoot?" James grinned.

Sirius shrugged casually, removing James's drink from his hands. "I can't help it if my upbringing involved these things, you're just jealous of my stunning performance on the dance floor." He said downing the drink and making James frown.

"Git. I'll show you..." He grabbed Lily and pulled her back into the hall.

Sirius chuckled and leaned against the wall, Remus shook his head slightly. "I'm surprised he hasn't punched you yet, you keep showing off."

"Ah, I'm only messing around with him. Lily's lovely and all, but for Merlin's sake...she's James's wife!" their eyes met and they smiled at exactly the same moment. Remus realised that they were actually happy, it was a shocking revelation but it made him wish it could last forever.

"Alright! Gather together!" The photographer urged them all into the centre of the hall, Sirius stood beside James, Remus at his other side and Peter trying to fade into the background. "That's it! Now...hold still!"

Sirius grinned, a glass in one hand, leaning on James' shoulder who had his arm around Lily. They all smiled as there was a massive puff of smoke and a flash of light. Later Sirius gazed at the photograph, he saw his own image gazing back at him, forever young; their smiles frozen in time, to be preserved and never to change.

That morning Sirius stood on the terrace, gazing across London as the wind swept snow into his face and made him shiver. He could have gone back into the warmth of his flat and curl up beside the fire, but the cold felt good. He was alive. He closed his eyes, tipping his head back and felt every snow flake land on his skin, melting into water. He took a deep breath, the frigid air stinging his lungs and making them catch. He thought of Regulus...lying in some forgotten place, his lifeless eyes gazing up at the grey sky as snow caught in his lashes and he realised that he would never smile again. Sirius opened his eyes again. He could picture his brother so clearly it was painful, and he couldn't stop himself from feeling a terrible guilt when he realised he was still breathing, his heart still thumping in his chest and driving blood through his veins. He was still able to laugh, to cry, to scream and smile...but Regulus never would.

Remus gasped, panting heavily as he ran. He stumbled slightly, clutching his wand and risked glancing back over his shoulder. The streets behind him had been laid to waste, rubble filled the place, he could still hear screams in his head and he had lost James and Sirius. Lily had also disappeared some time ago and it took all his will not to run around blindly shouting their names. Terror froze his heart as he paused, leaning against a wall, gripping his aching chest as he tried to catch his breath. He swallowed hard and lowered his head, trying to divert his mind away from the images...

Screaming Muggles...

Blood everywhere...crimson smeared across walls...flashes of light...shouts for help...

He could see Sirius spinning around, turning to face a group of Death Eaters with that grin on his face, James had run off after Lily while Remus had been chased down. They had all been scattered and he knew that couldn't bode well. He bent double, coughing and choking on the dust in the air. It hurt to breath, the stitch in his side pinching his lungs and he winced slowly lifting his head. "Sirius..." He murmured, feeling dread fill his soul. He didn't know what he would do if he lost any of his friends.

Sirius hid around a corner, eyes closed as he listened to the crunching footsteps of his enemies. He clutched his wand in one shaking hand licking his lips as he risked glancing around the corner, he jerked his head back as the three figures looked up. They had been ambushed again, as they had been coming out of a meeting, there had been an explosion. The street had been filled with Muggles and their terror still rang inside his head. "Shit..." He gasped, wiping sweat from his brow with the back of his hand as he heard them drawing closer. There was nowhere else to run. He stepped around a corner, wand up and ready, his free hand shoving hair from his eyes as he grinned at the three Death Eaters before him. "Here I am, fuckers!" he cried with an insane laugh. "I was wandering when we'd get right down to the good stuff, I was getting bored playing hide and seek...now come on! Give me what you've got!"


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Thrice Defied

_**This has to be the most emotional chapter I have ever written...nearly made myself cry several times. If you want the song list I was listening to for this chapter it's at the end. Listen while you read and it will break your heart!**_

Chapter Sixteen: Thrice Defied

Through the chaos, the smoke, the shouts...they all heard the voice. It drifted on the wind, all at once, cold and challenging. Sirius froze and looked around, eyes wide as he searched for the source of the mysterious voice.

Remus felt a chill down his spine. He had slipped down the wall, wand up and pointing into the masked face of a Death Eater. The voice was everywhere...and no where...

The voice addressed only two people.

"_I admire your bravery, you fight well and you are strong. However, I must address only two people. James and Lily Potter...I have come with an offer for you. You are both strong, powerful people, and I have taken your numerous abilities into consideration. I ask you now: Will you join me? Think this through carefully and make your decision wisely."_

It wasn't long before they heard a loud, clear laugh fill the brief silence. Sirius felt his grin resurface and Remus tipped his head back against the wall laughing to himself.

The dust cleared and revealed James standing on top of a large pile of rubble, his wand pointing directly at a tall, dark clad figure's back. "You must be a total fool if you think I am going to join you!" James declared loudly, grinning like a maniac. Sirius watched as the figure turned and his hooded face looked up at James.

"Then you have made your decision...such a shame to spill even more pure blood, but sacrifices must be made if we are to cleanse this world of what ails us. James Potter, you must die." The green light shot from the end of Voldemort's wand, James Dissaparated with a loud pop, only to reappear behind the Dark lord, he shot a spell at him, but it was deflected. The fight was intense, James deflecting curses so strong he was being forced backwards. No one else was fighting, all eyes were glued to the pair, duelling in the blood spattered streets. James' face had fallen from a smile into a frown and now he was concentrating so fiercely he was gritting his teeth, he stumbled backwards slightly, regaining his balance quickly and dodging the Killing Curse.

Without warning a cloud of daggers flew from nowhere, hitting Voldemort, but...to everyone's horror he seemed to turn into smoke and the daggers passed right through him as he reappeared somewhere behind James. James had time to spin around, losing his balance and falling to the floor just as another, blue jet of light shot over his head and surrounded Voldemort in a glowing ball. It rose higher and higher before exploding into thousands of tiny fragments. James had stood and he gazed up to where Voldemort hovered in the sky, shrieking furiously. Lily ran up to her husband and they clasped hands, Lily had a cut on her face which bled but she was smiling shakily. They raised their wands and fired spells in unison. The light scattered, falling in amongst the crowd of watching Order members and Death Eaters.

Lily stumbled slightly but James caught her around the waist with his free arm. Voldemort seemed like a giant bat, hovering above them, those deadly crimson eyes searing the very air which crackled with so much magic it was almost painful. There was a crack and an explosion that made James fall, he pushed Lily down and covered her with his body, looking around desperately for his opponent.

He came at them, a black shape through clouds of dust and debris. James put up a shield which shattered like glass when the shape hit it, James was thrown into the air and he landed with a crunch, his wrist snapping like a rubber band. His scream bounced from the walls as he rolled onto his back gasping and holding his damaged hand to his chest as he blinked to try and clear his head. Then he found himself gazing up into cold eyes, a wand pointed at his face...

Voldemort smiled but before he could speak the words that would kill James, something hit him in the back and he stumbled. He spun around and saw her; she stood tall, red hair flying around her pretty face, green eyes narrowed in fury as she began muttering under her breath, an incantation. Light whipped around her and she lifted her wand, hair blowing back from her face with the sheer force of the spell. Voldemort managed to conjure a shield so it bounced off with a loud, echoing gong. He laughed as he threw curse after curse, none of them hitting her as she deflected and dodged, using blocks of stone to take the spells for her. She ran around, drawing the Dark lord away from her husband while he rolled to his feet, grabbing his wand in one fluid movement.

The curse he used was so strong several blocks of stone melted, windows shattered and glass scattered around the spectators like fairy dust.

Sirius felt the stone at his feet shatter and he stumbled backwards as a Death Eater snarled, firing purple light at him. He blocked it and retaliated, his own spell hitting the man squarely in the chest, he flew across the battle field and landed with a nasty crack before lying still in a pool of his own blood.

Remus surged to his feet, making a sharp slashing movement with his wand. His own opponent screamed as he fell to his knees and Remus shot light right between his eyes so he fell forward and breathed no more. He turned on his heels and ran closer to the main fight, his eyes searched everywhere for his friends as he ducked flying curses but finally he found them. Sirius was locked in a battle so fierce the very air seemed to heat up with the force of his spells...Remus knew he was fighting his cousin, simply by looking at the utter fury in his face. Bellatrix was laughing madly as she hit Sirius with something that made him fall back, gripping his arm and gasping. Remus turned to the main battle, Lily and James gripped hands as they sent spells soaring at Voldemort who was giving as good as he got. There was a sudden clang that ran through the air and a rush of searing wind. Remus winced as it washed over him and saw James standing tall, Lily being held firmly behind him as the spell forced Voldemort backwards. James panted heavily, eyes bright and clear yet filled with fury.

"BITCH!" Sirius roared, and with a great big flash of white light Bellatrix screamed as she was thrown backwards into a wall. Sirius advanced, wand pointing at her, eyes glowing as bright as Bella's. She had lost her mask and now she sat, grinning up at her younger cousin.

"Go on, Sirius...kill me! You know the spell..." She taunted him.

Remus's eyes widened slowly as he watched Sirius sneer and raise his wand. "You'll be worth shattering my soul for." He said in a low, but carrying voice. He took a breath but before he could utter the words an awful, head splitting shriek filled the air making everyone wince.

James, panting heavily and standing over his unconscious mate, was watching Voldemort screaming as he disappeared with a pop. There was a loud, ringing silence before the living Death Eaters realised what had happened and began Dissapparating along with their master. Sirius screamed in frustration as he watched his cousin laughing in his face as she too disappeared.

James fell to his knees, gasping and clutching his side. He closed his eyes briefly before looking down into Lily's face, he stroked hair from her face and kissed her forehead. "Lily?" he whispered.

Her green eyes flickered and she moaned softly before opening her eyes fully to see James as white as a sheet so his hair stood out in stark contrast. He smiled weakly. "We did it..." He muttered. "He's gone...for now." Lily sat up, embracing her husband and kissing him everywhere she could reach. James reciprocated, ignoring the agony in his side and wrist as he slid hands into her hair whispering devotion to her over and over. "We're alive...we're alive...we're alive..."

Sirius stood still, panting heavily, he spat blood to the floor, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth as he glared at the spot Bella had been. Remus sighed, falling to the floor and shoving fingers into his hair. The whole street was silent as people gazed around in stunned wonder. The dead lay scattered across the floor and Sirius was the first to stumble over to a corpse and roll it over to see if it was friend or foe. The dead they piled into a corner, their friends awaiting burial and the unknown Muggles awaited identification by the Muggle liaison staff of the Ministry. Sirius picked through the wreckage, every time he spotted someone he knew he felt violently sick and had to force himself to drag their mutilated bodies from the rubble. Remus helped him, they worked in silence as others tended the wounded and worked elsewhere.

The silence was oppressive, Sirius paused in his work and took a slow shuddery breath, blood covered his hands and he had smeared some across his face which had dust stuck to it. His hair looked grey and Remus realised he looked older than he'd ever seen him, he looked as if he had aged twenty years in the last few hours and he looked down at his own blood soaked hands as he thought about those he had killed. He saw the eyes behind the masks widen as they fell backwards...he covered his face, shaking violently and gritting his teeth. Suddenly he felt arms around him, Sirius was next to him, pressing his forehead to his shoulder. "We'll win." Sirius whispered, bloody fingers gripping a handful of Remus's hair. "We _have_ to win." Remus could only nod weakly. They stayed like that for a long time, Marlene McKinnon walked over to them, she handed them some water in a shaking hand and they thanked her before downing it and returning to their work.

That night, Remus tried to sleep but found he couldn't. He rolled over and gazed up at the dark ceiling, watching all those people he had dug out of the ruined street pass through his mind like a morbid play. Finally he got up, bare toes curling on the cold wooden floors as he made his way towards Sirius's room.

The room was pitch black, and Remus gazed at Sirius's empty bed assuming he had left him again but just as he was about to turn around he caught the acrid scent of smoke. He looked around and saw Sirius huddled in a corner, his eyes highlighted by the cigarette he was smoking. His fingers shook violently as he drew the little white stick away from his lips. His knees were drawn into his chest and he sat there, suddenly looking so young, so very young and vulnerable. Remus walked towards him, sitting at his side and resting his head on his shoulder. "We're too young for this." He croaked softly and closed his eyes.

"We're too old to ignore it." Sirius replied, his voice cracking as he lowered his head to his knees. Remus couldn't deny that either so he stayed silent.

After a while, as he watched the sky lighten outside, he stirred and Sirius looked up at him as he made to stand. Suddenly he was grabbed and dragged to the floor, a hot mouth was devouring his, fingers were in his hair and that skilful tongue ran across his teeth. With a deep moan Sirius pulled away, pressing his forehead to Remus'. "I...I'm..." he began but Remus cut him off by pressing a light kiss to his lips.

"Whatever you say, Sirius, you know how I feel...you know that no matter what I'm bound to you." He whispered. Sirius gazed at him, there was such soul destroying grief in those steely depths that Remus felt his heart break even when Sirius lowered his head and began biting at his throat. He arched into Sirius's touch gasping slightly as fingers gripped him tightly by the hips.

The floor was hard beneath their tangled bodies, Sirius moved in an erratic rhythm as Remus gasped and moaned beneath him, sharp nails drawing bloody marks into his skin. Sirius's mouth was like fire on Remus's flesh as he gazed up at the lightening ceiling. His nerves buzzed, his head swam as he held onto his lover for all he was worth, his teeth finding Sirius's lip and biting it, making Sirius gasp in pain as he jerked his hips making Remus arch right off the floor. "Fuck..." Sirius muttered, burying his face in the crook of Remus's neck, running his tongue down it to encase a nipple. Remus's fingers grasped desperately at his hair as he made a strangled noise.

Sweat ran down Sirius's spine, he moved hard and fast, trying to touch and memorise every inch of Remus's scarred skin. He ran his fingers across his chest, lifted his legs up as he moved deeper. Remus whispered Sirius's name in a chant, almost like a prayer as he felt his orgasm rocket through him with an intensity that made his eyesight blur. Sirius fell onto his hands as he felt Remus tighten around him, he groaned heavily as his orgasm knocked all sense from him.

Finally they fell to the floor, panting and gasping as they heard birds through the half open window. Sirius blinked tiredly, turning to Remus and dragging his head close. He kissed him slowly, his tongue moving across his bottom lip as he drew away. Remus climbed to his feet and went into the bathroom to clean up...Sirius wasn't an idiot. He saw the way Remus avoided his eyes. He gazed up at the ceiling, hands on either side of his head as he stared into space. He could feel it. A great dark cloud of evil thoughts encroaching on him, threatening to steal away the wonderful tingle Remus had left across his skin. He closed his eyes, hearing Remus wash and then he stood. He grabbed his jeans, slipping them over his hips and pushed his feet into a pair of boots before slinging a shirt on and grabbing the keys to his motorbike.

Remus stepped out of the bathroom and was unsurprised to see that Sirius was missing. He felt his heart clench again and he fell to the floor, covering his face in his hands, desperately trying to fight off the scream that wanted to tear its self free of his throat...

Sirius lay in the alley way where the men had left him, his silver eyes blank. He could feel the abrasions of their rough fingers all over his skin and it made him wish he could throw up. After a long moment he climbed to his feet, yanking his tattered jeans up and stepping out into the street. He stumbled and fell into a wall, hiding his face in his hands and choking back his shame and the violent self hatred that tore at him. He could see Remus's eyes, full of pain and anguish. He was nineteen years old, a young man...but he felt so much older. His body ached with a weariness that went beyond the physical and his heart felt as if it had withered and died. He slid down the wall and sat there, by the busy road. People passed him without a second glance; just another useless junkie, probably high and with nowhere to go.

Remus sat curled up in Sirius's bed, gazing out the window, wandering where his friend had gone and if he was alright. He tightened his grip around his knees as the day turned from morning into afternoon and slowly the night time drew in like a cloak that covered the sky. Remus finally fell sideways and closed his eyes, wishing, with everything he had, that Sirius would come back again. He tried so hard to believe what James had said, that Sirius would always return home...but somewhere, in the darkest part of his mind he knew that one day he wouldn't and he knew that that would be the day he died inside.

Voldemort went after Lily and James twice more, each time they beat him off, escaping with their lives. On that last time they took refuge with Remus and Sirius who gladly put them up temporarily.

The Order was dwindling. Friends died, allies were injured. There was so much blood now that Sirius couldn't even see his own path, it was clouded by uncertainty. They were beaten back, their attacks shattered, and yet they fought on. Albus rallied them all, they always returned to the meetings, they always did their parts and did them well. It soon became so bad that Sirius was no longer bothered when he lifted yet another corpse from a ruined building, or when he found himself gazing into blank, lifeless eyes...he no longer felt the need to throw up. It was just another part of life.

One day Sirius thought about the fact that they were slowly but surely being defeated. The Order was bordering on complete destruction, but they had to hold on, because they were the last line of defence against a total Ministry take over. He gazed at the picture they had taken, the whole order, together with smiles on their faces. Lily's face flushed with the dancing and the cold, James's broad smile as he looped his arm around his wife's waist. Sirius's happy, cocky smile, Remus's quiet contentment...it all shone from the moving image, the last remnants of their hopes and dreams. Sirius slammed the picture onto its front and turned away.

James smiled less and less, Lily had an almost constant frown of fear and worry on her face and Sirius still managed to swamp himself in drugs and sex. He couldn't escape it anymore, even Remus had stopped trying to get him to stop. Sirius began bringing his sexual encounters into the house, Remus would lie in bed, listening to Sirius's moans, his gasps of pain and his cries as he came. He didn't sleep well at night, instead lay in bed, looking at nothing and wishing that he could be anywhere else...anywhere but with Sirius who seemed intent on destroying himself. But he couldn't leave...he couldn't leave because he still loved him...he loved him with the same, fiery passion. It was only that now, it hurt so much he could feel it twisting his soul, corrupting it and making him bitter. Even when they fucked, he was never able to stop thinking about the last guy Sirius had allowed to touch him, he couldn't stop himself from nearly sobbing into Sirius's neck as he reached his orgasm.

Sirius drifted through a drug induced haze. He hardly remembered what he did on a day to day basis. He would simply lie on the floor, allowing the drugs and the alcohol to send him into a blissful, forgetful day dream. They all knew then...they all knew that they had a spy amongst them...and Sirius could feel it, a wave of violent terror that he would lose everything he held dear...he would lose it all and it would kill him.

The traitor wasn't found. But information was leaked regularly. James refused to believe it, shaking his head at Sirius's insistence that someone in the Order was a spy...he simply told him that the drugs were making him paranoid and that trusting his friends was of the utmost importance. And so Sirius said nothing more about it, not even when James had come to him, face pale and excited on a cold November day to tell him that Lily was going to have a baby...a baby boy.

Sirius smiled appropriately, congratulating his friends, telling them he was happy for them. But he felt dead inside, his emotions were odd, somehow broken...he would feel random moments of intense rage before he returned to his melancholy. He never felt joy, not unless he had his fingers buried in Remus's hair, or was kissing his lips, his throat and anywhere he could reach. He only felt something other than emptiness when Remus's arms held him tightly as he shook and screamed at night because he couldn't stop the nightmares. He only felt that soft warmth when he saw Remus smile...even if it was no longer directed at him, which was why it hurt so much more when he noticed the change in his lover.

Remus became withdrawn, he barely had the strength left to look Sirius in the eyes, eyes that no longer sparkled, eyes that were surrounded by dark circles...eyes that were dead and haunted. He spent more and more time away from their apartment just so he could escape Sirius, he stayed with James and Lily. Lily was a source of comfort he never expected to find and on the nights when Sirius would stumble in through the door, only to collapse in a heap on the floor, shaking and gasping, muttering incoherently, he would go and see her. He would knock on their door, sit in their living room and cry into his hands. Lily would hold him, telling him it was all going to be alright, everything would be fine, because soon they would win the war and be able to resume normal lives...He listened to the lies she told, he listened and for a while, allowed himself hope...

James sat in his living room gazing at Dumbledore in silence. The news was devastating and he was numb with shock...Voldemort was after his child. Voldemort was going to hunt them down and try and take away his reason for living. Lily gripped his hand in hers and they looked at each other, her belly was swollen, as it pressed against her blouse. Her hand covered it in an unconscious gesture of protection, James slipped his fingers through hers and frowned with determination.

"Secret Keeper?" Sirius said, eyes wide as he gazed at James.

James nodded, placing both hands firmly on top of the table and leaning over Sirius who sat with his legs crossed and a cigarette between his fingers. "Please, Padfoot...!" He said almost desperately. His hair was messier than usual, sticking up at all angles from the amount of times he had run fingers through it, he looked exhausted, older than his years and Sirius felt his heart clench. He stood, stubbing his cigarette out in an ashtray before turning his back, he shoved fingers into his hair and took a slow, deep breath.

"I can't James." He said slowly.

"Why?" James sounded shocked and slightly hurt. "You'd be the best person...Pad's, you're my best mate, my brother...please, do this for me...for Lily and for our unborn child!"

Sirius flinched. "Don't try to blackmail me! I can't! James...I'm going to be a horrible Godfather...I'd be an even worse Secret Keeper!" He turned around, grabbing James by the tops of his arms and squeezing so tightly he flinched. "I...I'm sorry." He closed his eyes pressing his forehead to James's. "I can't do it...If you chose me everyone would know straight away...they would...they would know! Can't you see that I'm the obvious choice?"

"Then who? Who else is there...there's no one I trust more than you!" Sirius released him, still keeping one hand firmly on his shoulder. As James looked into his friends eyes he could see the terrible pain, the awful emptiness and it hurt. It hurt to watch as Sirius tried to kill himself slowly. Finally Sirius released him, pacing back and forth. "Well...I could use Remus..."

"No." Sirius looked up, eyes wide. "No...you shouldn't."

"Why?" James looked perplexed.

"Because there's a spy in our midst, James. If...if I lost you...I-I'd..." He winced at the thought and turned away. "Remus is...busy." he said, unwilling to tell James that he was afraid of Remus...he was terrified when he watched him leave the house without even a goodbye...it scared him when he would see him sat reading a book with eyes as dark as his own. He couldn't voice his true fears aloud...James would probably laugh at him, tell him not to be stupid, that he was being paranoid...but the idea had taken hold and it kept nagging and nagging at him...he had driven Remus into the dark...he had driven him to betray the Order. He gazed at the overturned picture and reached for it, slowly he turned it over and found his eyes drawn towards Peter's face as he stood in the shadow of himself and James. "Peter!" He gasped and turned around. "Use Peter!"

"What? Why?" James looked confused. "As much as I trust him Sirius, Peter's not exactly..." He waved his hand around before sighing. "You know..." he shrugged.

"I know, I know...but hear me out! Use Peter but tell no one you're going to use him!" Sirius smiled as his plan formed. "He can be the real secret keeper and you can use me as a decoy! You see, it's fail safe! If they get me, then I won't be able to tell them anything...so there's no chance of betraying you! But Peter will be safe because they'd never think you'd use him!" Sirius's eyes shone and James could almost see his old self there, it was this, more than anything else that convinced him.

"Alright, Sirius...we'll place our safety in his hands."

_**Song list:**_

_**Michael Ortega – It's Hard to Say Goodbye (Piano piece.)**_

_**Fall Into You by Amy Lee and Seether**_

_**Sad Violin (make you emotional cry)**_

**(Copy and Paste them into Youtube...)**


	17. Chapter Seventeen: The Edge

**A/N: Ok, now this is devastating. I am in no mood for happy writing...so, I give you Chapter seventeen, written to the beautiful music of Brahms Lullaby and Birdy (Singer/songwriter). The lyrics below are a version of Brahms Lullaby by Jewel, it's a beautiful version and I loved how appropriate the lyrics were for Lily's love for Harry. Please enjoy and keep reviewing because your views matter to me and they really cheer me up. Thank you.**

Chapter Seventeen: The Edge of Destruction

The Potters went into hiding, Godrics Hollow acting as their safe haven. Sirius acted as if he had been chosen their Secret Keeper, acting as decoy. Remus watched Sirius closely, seeing how he began spending less time in the flat, he felt afraid. He was terrified of Sirius, the way his eyes would turn cold as he looked at Remus, the way his shoulders would stiffen ever so slightly when he would bring up the topic of James and Lily...it all disturbed him and he began to see things in Sirius's personality that changed. He was angrier, tenser, his body language was off and his eyes hid it all behind a mask of stiff indifference. He became strange in battles, using too much force, barely even flinching when he killed. Remus avoided killing his opponents when he could, but Sirius took on the Ministries new rules about being free to use killing force against the Death Eaters, in fact, he seemed to revel in it.

Sirius rarely spoke at meetings, he could see the same thoughts in everyone's eyes as they looked at him, they all thought that he was the traitor, they all assumed that because he was a Black, he was leaking information...and now he was supposed to be James and Lily's secret keeper...and each day, they trusted him less and less. He decided that if they wanted to see a true Black then he would give it to them. He became seemingly remorseless, ruthless during a duel so that he aimed to kill. He showed them all what he could do if he wished, he sneered at people who tried to draw him into unwanted communication, he snubbed friendliness and waved away anyone who tried to get closer to him. He knew what was happening, he knew he was driving Remus further and further away...but he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stand even touching him...

James was forced to sit back and watch as his wife got bigger, and more afraid, as his friends fell into deep pits of despair and while he watched and waited he could only pray that things would get better...that his son would be born to a better world. He stood outside the cottage, gazing up at the star strewn sky as he wished on every single star that Little Harry James Potter would live a free and happy life, that he could grow up safe and warm and away from harm. He took a deep breath, the night air stinging his lungs as the door opened behind him and he turned to see Lily standing there, one hand over her belly. "James?" She whispered. "It's late...please, come inside."

James nodded and walked over to her, he shoved fingers into her soft red hair and kissed her eye lids gently. "Everything will be alright." He said softly, trying so hard to believe those words, even as his hands betrayed him by shaking. "Please...let everything be alright..." he squeezed his eyes shut and felt Lily's soft fingers on his own, she took his hand and placed it over her stomach.

"This is our future James." She replied. "Harry is our future...our everything. He will grow up to be so loved, so treasured...we'll watch over him."

James gazed down at the bump and smoothed his hand over it. "Yeah...we'll guard him. He'll be full of our love...because there's so much to give."

Lily smiled, kissing her husband gently. "I love you, James Potter." She muttered into his ear before drawing away. "We'll raise him well."

He watched her walk back into the house as he leaned against the door frame. He took one last long look up at the sky before closing his eyes briefly and when he reopened them he was smiling, thinking about his son, his wife and his future...he closed the door, shutting out the cold.

Sirius was tortured by his face. Every time he closed his eyes, every time he blinked...Remus was there. He thought that his heart could only break once, but he had been so very, very wrong...it shattered over and over until he ended up screaming, clutching his hair and falling to his knees. He couldn't stop the emotions overwhelming him, all his passion, all the desire he felt for Remus choked him, suffocating him beneath a dark blanket that confused him and made him feel like he was tearing himself to shreds. Even when he was with another man he would end up screaming Remus's name and afterwards he would fall into the bed as his partner for that evening left him alone.

Remus sat on the roof of a building, one knee drawn to his chest as he half listened to the Werewolf pack beneath him. His eyes were fixed firmly on the setting sun as he remembered the first time his friends had discovered his affliction...he remembered Sirius's reaction so clearly as he closed his eyes and tipped his head back.

"_We know." James said, surprising him as he stepped into the dormitory the morning after a change. _

"_You...er...know what, James?" He asked, feeling nervous under the intense stares he was getting._

"_We know about your..." James paused. "...Furry Little Problem." He said with a firm nod._

_Remus sputtered, not wanting to believe that they had worked out his secret. "Y-You what...?" He exclaimed finally._

_Sirius grinned. Even at twelve he had a confident bearing, his body language telling everyone in no uncertain terms that he was practically royalty. "You're a Werewolf."_

_Remus felt his knees give way and he had to clutch the door for support...they knew. His friends knew he was a monster...his world went grey and he gasped._

"_Woah!" Sirius caught him as he fell, holding him tightly and smiling into his white face. "It's alright, Moony." He said softly, that amazing gentleness shining in his eyes as he brushed hair from Remus's forehead. "We're here for you, yeah? We'll never leave you."_

"_Yeah, I mean...it's not like you're all big and scary all year round." James grinned, helping Sirius to manoeuvre the shocked werewolf onto the bed. James crouched down, Sirius at his side. "We've decided...we're gunna help you."_

_Remus laughed out loud. "You can't help me but...the offer is appreciated." He was slowly recovering from his shock, but the look that passed between the two boys was unnerving. _

"_Look, we've...er...known for a while and we were doing a bit of research...ya'know..." Sirius began hardly able to contain his excitement._

"_Yeah! And we saw this book, it had loads of really cool stuff in it, like how to curl someone's finger nails and how to make them..." Sirius elbowed James in the side before he continued._

"_The only thing a Werewolf responds to is the call of its own kind..." Sirius said, his face becoming serious. "Moony..." Remus was surprised at this odd nickname, but said nothing. "...we're going to work hard, and no matter how long it takes us, even if we're still trying when we're really, really old and like...thirty...we're going to become..."_

_James interrupted. "Animagi!" He said with a big, silly, boyish grin on his face._

"_Animals can't contract the disease! We'd be safe and we'd be able to make sure you won't be alone!" Sirius's grin was almost identical to James'._

Remus had been so happy, he had burst into tears right then and there. He smiled to himself as he remembered not really believing them when they had promised to learn such intensely difficult magic...but they had. They had trained, practised until they were suffering from exhaustion. Every day for years they tried until one day...one day Remus walked into his Dorm to see a great black dog leaping at him, licking his face. He remembered seeing a magnificent stag stood proudly beside James' bed with a scruffy little rat on top of his head and deep in his heart he had known...he had found his pack, his best friends, his family. Remus leaned back, watching the first stars poke their heads out from behind clouds as he felt that agonising pull in his heart. "Why? Why can't I let you go?" He muttered it to himself, but he knew the answer as he closed his eyes;

_Because he was in love with him._

Sirius stared up at the moon, the glass of whisky in his hand shaking as he brought it to his lips and let the alcohol sear his insides. He took a long drag on his fag and tried to stop his mind from dwelling on the past, those beautifully happy memories that threatened to shatter him once and for all. But his mind had other ideas, he hung his head closing his eyes as he leaned heavily on the balcony.

_The sun was high and bright in the sky, Sirius sat beneath a secluded tree gazing up at the cloudless sky with his arms behind his head. He could hear the laughter of the other students and he smiled to himself. Then, someone shouted his name and he looked up to see his friends walking towards him. James waving enthusiastically as he bounced on his feet, coming to a halt before flopping inelegantly down beside Sirius. Remus joined them, crossing his legs and leaning back on his hands, Peter sitting close to James. And they sat in silence, quiet smiles on their faces with the sun warming their skin, James closed his eyes, letting a gentle breeze run through his messy hair. Sirius lay back again, as James lay down, resting his head on Sirius's stomach, Remus lay across his legs and they sighed in contentment...they only needed this. The closeness they each shared didn't need words, only the gentle touches, the smiles and the soft laughter. With the scent of summer on the air and the breeze in his hair Sirius closed his eyes wishing, for the thousandth time that this never ended._

He opened his eyes, the glass slipping through lax fingers to smash onto the floor. He lowered his head onto his arms and squeezed his eyes shut so tightly he saw spots of light appear behind his lids. "All I ever wanted was you." He whispered to the moon.

The months drew on, leaving winter behind as spring came rapidly bringing with it the scent of growth and new beginnings. Summer seemed to crash towards them with the force of a runaway freight train and before they knew what was happening James was messaging them with news...

News of a birth.

Harry James Potter. Sirius gazed down into the crib, his eyes wide as he looked at the tiny little boy. He was so small, so delicate that he was terrified of touching him, yet he couldn't stop his fingers from sliding delicately down the sleeping child's cheek. He had a head of fuzzy black hair and little round cheeks, his fingers were clenched into fists beside his head and when he felt Sirius's finger he made soft little sucking noises and wriggled slightly. Sirius withdrew his hand and gazed at his friend, he saw James's proud smile, his chest puffed out as he used to do when he had pulled off a particularly good prank. "James he's..."

"Gorgeous? I know!" He replied, half whispering so he didn't wake his sleeping wife and child. He pulled Sirius from the room, arm tightly around his shoulder. "Let's wet his forehead then, shall we?" James smirked.

Sirius let himself be pulled down the stairs and they sat in the kitchen toasting the baby's health, laughing and smiling as if there wasn't the constant danger of attack. Sirius let himself relax, an odd feeling since he had been tense for so long, he had almost forgotten what it was like to laugh freely and simply enjoy the company of his best friend. Sirius ended up sleeping on the sofa, curled up contentedly as Padfoot. James gazed down at the dog, remembering how he had stole into his bed at night and slept at his side, every time Sirius suffered from a nightmare James had been woken to cold, trembling hands and soft whispers of fear before he had hugged his friend close and told him to go to sleep. James smiled as he watched Smokey, his cat, climb up and sit on top of the large black dog who twitched in his sleep but didn't stir.

Sirius woke the next day, morphing out of Animal shape and stretching his arms above his head. He yawned and sat up, dislodging the Potters' cat which gazed at him grumpily. "Sorry." He muttered, picking the cat up and gazing into its yellow eyes. "Don't look at me like that, you fat little thing, I don't care if you were warm..." He frowned as the cat mewed angrily. "Grumpy sod." He Sirius muttered, letting the cat escape.

"It always weird's me out when you do that." Lily said as she entered the living room and put a cup of tea on the coffee table. She sat down opposite him with a smile so bright it was almost impossible to look at.

"What? Talking to animals?" Sirius shrugged. "We have a connection...I've been able to understand them since I was fifteen."

"So the transformation affects everyone like that then?" Lily asked.

"Oh yeah..." James entered, cradling Harry in his arms. "Had this one particular incident when this pretty little doe became convinced I was a real stag and well...let's just say it got complicated." He grimaced and Sirius laughed at the memory.

"Well, I hope you don't go cheating on me with some pretty little Doe eyed harlot." Lily smirked, taking her son off of James and swaddling him up properly in his blanket. Harry burbled and watched them all with big green eyes.

"No...they scare me." James said with a false shudder. "They're clingy."

Sirius stayed for a few days, he watched, entranced, as James and Lily adapted to family life, sometimes he let curiosity overcome him and he would follow Lily around the house, watching as she changed and bathed Harry, sometimes he helped her and was amazed at how small and fragile Harry was he held his little head with one hand as he bathed him in a bowl. In Sirius's opinion, the child was like some kind of miracle. When he saw those wide, curious green eyes he was overwhelmed with an emotion he had always associated with James, one that made warmth flare in his chest and made him smile.

One day Sirius stood outside the baby's bedroom door, he was covertly watching Lily. She had wrapped Harry in a blanket and was holding him close to her breast, smiling loving into his face as she rocked back and forth in a rocking chair. Her gentle voice filled the room with a blissfully sweet sound that made Sirius want to stay and listen forever.

"_Lullaby and good night  
>In the sky stars are bright<br>May the moons silvery beams  
>Bring you sweet dreams<em>

_Close your eyes now and rest  
>May these hours be blessed<br>Til the sky's bright with dawn  
>When you wake with a yawn<em>

_Lullaby and good night  
>You are mothers delight<br>Ill protect you from harm  
>And you'll wake in my arms<em>

_Sleepyhead, close your eyes  
>For I'm right beside you<br>Guardian angels are near  
>So sleep without fear<em>

_Lullaby and good night  
>With roses bedight<br>Lilies o'er head  
>Lay thee down in thy bed<em>

_Lullaby and good night  
>You are mothers delight<br>Ill protect you from harm  
>And you'll wake in my arms<em>

_Lullaby and sleep tight  
>My darlings sleeping<br>On sheets white as cream  
>With a head full of dreams<em>

_Sleepyhead, close your eyes  
>I'm right beside you<br>Lay thee down now and rest  
>May your slumber be blessed<em>

_Go to sleep, little one  
>Think of puppies and kittens<br>Go to sleep, little one  
>Think of butterflies in spring<em>

_Go to sleep, little one  
>Think of sunny bright mornings<br>Hush darling one  
>Sleep through the night<br>Sleep through the night  
>Sleep through the night..."<em>

Sirius watched, feeling an odd choking emotion fill him. He didn't know that James was watching him, pity in his hazel eyes. He understood Sirius's fascination with the baby, Sirius had never had lullaby's sung to him when he slept, he had never known the loving touch of a caring mother, he had never known what a child should grow up with. Lily's voice trailed off into silence and she kissed Harry on the forehead and stood, lowering him gently into the cot. She lifted her eyes to Sirius's and waved him in, he flushed slightly guiltily before being pushed into the room by James, slowly he inched over and Lily took his hand and drew him to the cot, he gazed down at the sleeping child and felt his eyes burn with a sudden savagery he choked. He lowered his head, unable to look at anyone. He felt Lily's hand on his back. "Sirius...Harry will need his Godfather as he grows up." She whispered, her eyes moving to her husband who nodded.

"I want you to be able to look after him if anything happens to us, Sirius."

Sirius, keeping his face hidden behind a curtain of ebony hair, sniffed. "I-I...I can't." He whispered harshly. "James...I'd be useless. I d-don't...I don't understand what a growing child needs. I've never...I never had this." Slowly he did lift his head and James saw tears in them, even though they didn't fall. "I never knew what it was supposed to be like to be...to be cared about. I don't know what would be expected..."

"Sirius," James stepped forward, putting a firm hand on his shoulder. "Would you do anything for Harry?"

Sirius straightened, looking slightly offended. "Of course I would! He's your son!"

James smiled. "Then, that's a good start." He laughed at Sirius's confusion. "Look, all you need to do is learn." He smiled. "Hell, when Lily first told me she was pregnant I nearly threw up...spent countless nights wandering if I was going to be a good father and running through all the things that could have gone wrong...It doesn't matter though, because when I see him..." James's eyes lit up, his smile was so utterly gentle and filled with joy that Sirius knew that this was what he was made for. James was a family man, he was supposed to have children, a loving wife and he was supposed to know love. He was supposed to be surrounded by it because he was the sun and everyone else simply revolved around him...Including Sirius. "When I see him, Sirius, I'm worried my heart will break with the love I feel for him. Do you understand?"

Sirius opened his mouth before closing it again, he shook his head slowly. "I'm sorry...I don't...I-I..."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to tell us that you've never been in love before? Surely you know what it is! Love is everywhere, it comes in so many forms..." Her face fell as Sirius turned his eyes back to the sleeping child.

"Lily, you don't know this but...I was raised in a home where love was an emotion for the weak. It was useless...A Black simply does not feel such a low emotion, which is for lower human beings." He closed his eyes. "I can barely understand kindness...let alone love."

Lily sighed, she smiled at him, taking his head in both her hands. "You, Mr. Black, are a fool."

"What?" Sirius looked perplexed.

"Love is an emotion that every human being feels. It is an exquisite, agonising, utterly frustrating and yet wonderfully freeing emotion. It is the most painful thing you will ever feel, yet it will make you fly higher than that stupid bike of yours. You do the most ridiculous things for it, it will shatter your heart and then mend it again...Love is everything." Her smile was radiant as her eyes met James' over Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius took her hands and smiled weakly. "It doesn't matter though, does it? Not really...not anymore." His voice broke and he swallowed before stepping away from the happy family. "I'm not supposed to be a part of this...I'm not supposed to know kindness...or love...or friendship...because my mother was right. She was always right...I'm not worthy of any of this." He turned away, walking to the door and opening it. "I'm sorry...I-I'll come by another time..."

James grabbed him, embracing his friend tightly. "For fucks sake!" he said roughly. "Go home! Go home to Remus...he needs you and you need him! I'm not stupid, Sirius...I know what you've been doing! Go home to him and love him! Let yourself love! _Let it in_! Please...before it destroys you both."

Sirius could say nothing, he embraced his friend tightly, unable to let him go. With a sudden, heart shattering sob he broke down. For the first time in his life, since he had been a child, he began crying. He fell to the floor, covering his face in his hands and his shoulders shook violently. He felt warm, soft hands on his shoulders, soft whispers of affection and gentle fingers in his hair. He couldn't hold it back anymore. All his walls, all those barriers he had constructed fell with a resounding crash and the tears scolded their way down his cheeks.

"Go home to him, Sirius." Lily said softly as she smoothed hair from his eyes. "Go back to him and tell him that you love him...because you're losing each other...and it's killing him! Like it kills us when we have to watch you destroy yourself..."

Sirius could only nod as he wiped the tears from his eyes and stood. He smiled a little pathetically before saying farewell and leaving the happy couple. He sat astride his motorbike, head back and taking deep breaths, the wind was fresh and filled with the scents of flowers and the heat of summer. His smile started small, but slowly it spread and he realised he was laughing. How could he have been so stupid? All these years, all these long years he had had to tell Remus his feelings and he hadn't even realised...he hadn't even known or understood his own feelings until he had heard them spoken aloud. He laughed into the wind and suddenly flipped the kickstand, the engine roared to life, like a great massive beast he revved the engine grinning and looking like the happy teenager he had been while at school. With one last salute to James and Lily who stood in the door way of their cottage, he spun the bike around and sped off before yanking the handle bars back and soaring into the air.

When he reached his flat he ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, stumbling in his haste to reach the only person in the whole universe he had ever loved. He opened the door, slamming it open, a big grin on his face and his eyes glittering. His leather jacket fell from one shoulder and he ran into the flat, towards Remus's room. He slammed open the door...

"Remus?" he gasped. "Remus I'm in love with you..." It took a long moment for the scene that greeted him to really sink in but when it did he felt his world fall to pieces. The brief happiness that had flared within him went out like the flame of a candle and he felt darkness and grief crush him so he fell against the door frame. The room was empty. The book shelves he had erected especially for Remus were empty. The bed sheets had been stripped and folded neatly. The wardrobe stood open with no clothes inside. Sirius gazed at everything as numbness crept into him...slowly he slid down the door frame, his hand resting on it with his head as he hung it so hair covered the horrible scene. His heart broke with the ease of a porcelain figurine...and this time there was no mending it, because Remus had left and Sirius knew, deep down, that he wouldn't return. He lifted his head and tipped it back against the frame, he gazed blindly up at the ceiling as he ran through his time with Remus...not all of it had been bad. He remembered when they had sat, curled up by the fire, blankets over their shoulders. Remus would read while Sirius tried to distract him with soft kisses on his neck, gentle whispers and feather light touches. He saw Remus's smile, the one that was soft and gentle, the one that made his heart treble its speed. He drew his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them. "I love you." He whispered to the darkness. "I'm...i'm so sorry..."

Remus gazed back at the apartment for a last time, his eyes were dark, Sirius hadn't been back for days. He had no idea where he had gone...and the empty apartment had seemed desolate without him. He couldn't take it anymore, he could feel his soul being twisted, turned inside out and it was too painful. He sighed heavily, closing his eyes as the night breeze lifted his hair from his face. "I'm sorry..." He whispered and turned away for the last time, he dragged his trunk to the road. He paused, hearing the distant roar of a motorbike, but he doubted it was Sirius, it could have been any motorbike...they all sounded the same to him. Yet...something held him back...his fingers tightened on the handle of his trunk and he tried to place one foot in front of the other, but it was so, so _hard_. He lowered his head, letting his trunk fall from his numb fingers and sat down on it. He covered his face and choked on his grief. "I'll ne-never...forget you..." he muttered into the night.

Giving up. It was what Sirius was apparently made for. The man was saying something, and Sirius had to drag his mind from thoughts of Remus yet again and smile his big fake smile. The man was vaguely attractive, with a fall of light brown hair and dark brown eyes...Sirius knew why he had chosen to ask this man back to his flat, he resembled Remus physically, he could ignore the fact that the man was obviously as thick as two short planks. Sirius took a slow drag on the cigarette in his hand and leaned forward, flicking ash into the over full ashtray...he paused as he remembered Remus moaning to him about how he should learn to clean up after himself, and he had whinged that Remus was such a slave driver as he had grabbed him, shoving fingers into that wonderfully soft hair and pressing his lips against Remus's temple...

"Oi, you listening?"

Sirius jumped slightly in shock, blinking away the grief. "Oh, yeah...sorry." He muttered, pushing hair from his eyes. The man glared at him.

"You know, you were the one to invite me back here and you haven't even offered me a drink." He folded his arms across his chest moodily.

Sirius smiled and stood. "Do you...?" He began but before he knew what was happening he had been slammed into a wall, turned around and the man had a handful of his hair and he was pulling it.

"You cocky little shit." The man hissed into his ear. "You sit there, with those big seductive eyes of yours and those sexy little movements...you know you're sex on legs. You're a fucking whore..." The man reached around Sirius and slid his hand down his trousers, Sirius realised, as he felt a hot tongue run up the side of his neck, that actually...he didn't want this.

"Look...I-I'm not in the mood...I just wanted to-..." He gasped and swore and his head hit the wall.

"You're not gunna get rid of me that easily. You want this...I know you do...those tight jeans...the way you've been looking at me all night...Stop playing hard to get."

"No...seriously! Get the fuck off of me!" Sirius tried to wriggle free but the man grabbed his hair again, dragging him backwards and throwing him to the floor. Sirius hit it and rolled over, he had bitten his lip, drawing blood. He wiped it away, ignoring the pain. "Don't touch me!" He hissed furiously, suddenly wishing he had his wand on him...even if this man was a muggle, he felt less pathetic and weak with his wand. The man laughed at him, kneeling down and tracing his finger up Sirius's chest, lifting his tight white t-shirt and looking at his exposed chest with greed. Sirius growled as he smacked the man's hand away and he stood up. "Get out." He said, breathing hard, his hands shaking slightly.

The man grinned and stood, looming over Sirius and making him back straight into a wall. "Oh I don't think I'm going let such a nice piece of ass get away from me that easily..." He slammed his hand into the wall beside Sirius's head, making him flinch violently. Sirius turned his head away, hair falling in an ebony sheet to hide his face as it slid over his shoulder. He felt a finger under his chin and he was forced to look into eyes that resembled Remus' and when the man's lips met his in a violent kiss he didn't struggle...because he deserved this... "There...no more resistance..."

Sirius was pushed to the floor, his jeans ripped off of him and he turned his face away, unable to think as the man took him. His hands were harsh, his movements rough and Sirius could feel nothing but pain. Remus had been rough, but the bites, the scratches the sheer violence had been out of passion but this...Sirius closed his eyes, ignoring the tears that slipped free from them, this was just sadism.

Sirius came away covered in blood, his face white as a sheet, his clothes torn as he lay on the floor, gazing at his hand as it lay beside his head. He had a large bruise on his face, his wrists hurt and he knew that the warmth dripping down his thighs wasn't all semen. The man laughed at him, kicking him casually in the side as he left him there. He felt empty, his mind blank as he struggled to his feet, gripping the wall as he walked slowly to his bed and fell into it. He gazed out the large window and saw the sky lighten. He thought of Remus, he wondered where he was, if he was ok...and he let the tears fall slowly down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry! Please...give me a few more days and I-I'm sure I'll be able to pay you I-..."

The landlord cut Remus off. "No. I've given you several chances already, its money or out on the streets!"

Remus gazed at the man, unable to believe what he was hearing. Then he slumped, knowing there was no way he could pay the man, he could hardly feed himself, let alone pay rent. Finally he nodded. "Yes sir, I'm sorry...I-I'll pack my things..."

He dragged his trunk down the street, wondering where he could go. He didn't really think he could burden Lily and James, even though he was sure they would take him in, he didn't want to disrupt them. So, he found an alley way and sank down onto his trunk, shoving fingers into his hair and staring at a small spot of concrete. He had tried to get a job but each time it was the same thing; 'I'm sorry, but we can't employ someone...someone like you...' 'A werewolf? No! Get out, you filthy creature'...Always the same looks of disgust and hatred, always that look of deep seated fear. He sighed, his breath catching slightly as he closed his eyes. He should have expected this, he should have known there was no way he could live alone...but he couldn't return. The flat would be empty...it had always been empty because Sirius had never really been there, he had never really loved him...

"We're very sorry, Mr. Lupin, we cannot take you on at this time."

"Filthy fucking half-breed! What makes you think we're going to employ the likes of you? Get the fuck out of my shop!"

"We won't employ someone who will endanger everyone."

Remus went from job application to job application, he stayed in hovels, old warehouses and anywhere that had some kind of shelter. When he caught his reflection in the glass of a shop window he saw how thin he'd become, how his robes were ragged and patched, how his hair was greying rapidly...he saw the lines of stress around his eyes and decided it would be best to not look into reflective surfaces anymore. When he changed he went somewhere safe, Apparating to an old abandoned house in the middle of the countryside and bolting the doors, shutting himself inside. And then, when the moon rose to tear his body to shreds, he would scream. He would scream and scream...only ever the same name...over and over...

_Sirius._

Sirius lay in an alley way. His hands twitched slightly and eventually he slid sideways onto the filthy floor. His pupils were huge, black pools of emptiness and as people passed they turned their faces away from the dirty boy with long, lank hair and marks all up his arms. Mothers ushered their children past, muttering about junkies and useless homeless people. Only one man, an old man, stopped by the drugged up boy, he sighed sadly, brushing hair from those empty eyes and checking his pulse. It beat with an erratic rhythm and he shook his head slowly. "Poor child." He whispered as he slipped an arm around his waist and lifted him up. "Come home with me, we'll get you sorted out." He kicked aside the needle and the heap of empty bottles. "You've really got yourself into a right mess, haven't you? Still just a kid..." He dragged the boy down the street, turning down a side alley and emerging into a slightly run down area. He paused outside a house and unlocked the door with difficulty, once he had opened it he moved inside.

Sirius groaned heavily, rolling onto his side, he felt sick...horribly sick. His body shook and he could hardly move without wanting to throw up. A voice made him open his eyes, wincing as light hit them.

"Awake are you, boy?"

Sirius pushed his hair from his face, gritting his teeth. "Where 'm i?" He croaked.

"Safe." The voice replied. "I found you lying in an alley way..."

"Who're you?" Sirius's eyes took a rather long time to focus but when they did he saw an older man, greying hair sat atop a smiling face. He sat in an old armchair, a book in his lap and his smile was kind and warm.

"My name is Harold Pritchard." He replied. "And may I ask your name?"

Sirius sighed and fell back into the bed. "Sirius...Sirius Black." He said softly.

"An unusual name...is there anything I can get you?"

Sirius shook his head. "Sleep...need...sleep."

"That's fine, I'll leave you to it and we can talk more when you've recovered." He stood, marking his page with a thumb.

"Wait..." Sirius reopened his eyes. "Thanks..." He said slowly, the man just smiled at him before turning and leaving through a peeling door.

When Sirius woke again it was dark outside, a single lamp lit the corner of his dingy little room and he slowly sat up, scrubbing his face with itchy palms. For the first time in his life he had tried heroin...and it been so bloody wonderful that he had taken it some more...He knew that the drugs would affect him differently from the muggles, he knew that he needn't worry about addiction, or overdosing but it was not without its effects. It made nothing matter. The drug made him care about nothing. He could forget completely, his mind washed clean and he could finally stop thinking...he could finally stop hurting. The magic in his blood made the effects last only short periods of time, as it washed his veins clean of the drug. It was the same mechanism that ensured that he would heal rapidly and even as he gazed down at the numerous track marks covering the insides of his arms he could see they had faded. He knew that it could kill him, just as it did the muggles, with prolonged use he would forget to eat, his body would waste away and he would die...but that thought scared him less and less with each use. He bent his head as pain gripped his heart. He only wanted to go home, curl up with Remus, kiss him, hold him close and tell him over and over how sorry he was, how desperately, deeply in love with him he was. But he was drowning in sorrow, letting the tides of despair wash through him and leave shattered on the jagged rocks of his own making. He had driven him away, he had never told him how he really felt and now...now it was all too late. No matter how many times he let his body be used, no matter how many times he came, screaming Remus's name...it would not bring him back.

"I thought you would like some food..." Harold paused as he gazed at the empty bed, he shook his head slowly. "I try to save them...and they don't want to be saved." With a sad sigh he turned back and returned to the kitchen.

October was cold, Remus leaned against a wall, watching the stars shine out across the sky. He sighed heavily, he wished he could go back, go all the way back to when he had been fourteen and when he had helped James and Sirius plant explosives inside the giant Pumpkins so they exploded all over the Halloween feast, he could hear James and Sirius's laughter as they had stood in the middle of the hall, covered head to foot in pumpkin innards but hardly caring. With a small, nostalgic smile he closed his eyes. "Happy Halloween, Sirius...James."

Sirius sat in his living room, head back against the sofa as he gazed up at the ceiling, a cigarette dangling from his lips. He began to frown, it was Halloween and he was moping about in an empty flat! It was not just any Halloween either...he hadn't seen his Godson since that time he had realised he loved Remus. He stood and rubbed his hands together, he remembered Lily's letter, it sat in a silver box beneath his bed with all his other precious mementoes. The kid had loved his new broom, he had used it to chase the cat around. He couldn't help smiling when he thought about how grumpy the cat would be when he visited, and he smiled even wider when he thought how pleased James would be to see him after so long. And so, with a slight skip in his step he grabbed the keys to his Motorbike and stepped out the door, locking it behind him.


	18. Chapter Eighteen: Halloween 1981

**A/N: Lily and James' deaths. Please, please review, I need to know if I have done Sirius' worst memory justice! Thank you.**

Chapter Eighteen: Halloween 1981

Sirius landed smoothly, kicking down the kickstand and hopping off of his bike. He found himself feeling excited about seeing his Godson and James and Lily. He turned, still smiling towards the cottage and froze.

What his eyes saw should have been impossible. The beautiful, neat little cottage that housed his friends, his only family shouldn't have had a great big chunk blown out of its side. It was impossible. His eyes were lying to him...weren't they? He took a step forward and stopped again. No, he wasn't seeing this. It was wrong. So...so completely wrong. Another step. Definitely some kind of elaborate, stupid prank of James's. Another step. Obviously someone had put up some kind of illusion to fool muggles, it was simply an elaborate spell to confuse Death Eaters. Another step. The gate was intact, swinging slightly in the breeze as he gazed at it. He was hallucinating, this was simply another massive drug trip. He stepped in through the gate, it swung shut behind him. Reluctantly he lifted his eyes up and up until they rested on the part of the building that had collapsed, the thatch had fallen in and covered the floor. Another step and another. He paused again. It was all so stupid! How could James play such a cruel prank on him? Another two steps and he reached the door which hung open on it's hinges, creaking ominously. This was a seriously good spell, it was even fooling him! Another step and he entered the small, cosy hallway. He stopped. Eyes glued to the floor. This was some seriously sick kind of joke, he realised after a moment that he wasn't breathing. He swallowed hard. Another step and he was inches from the corpse lying on the floor. His whole body tingled unpleasantly and he couldn't move another step. He swallowed again, wondering why the lump in his throat wouldn't go away. The world was wavery, it had an odd dream-like quality to it that made Sirius half convince himself that he was genuinely on a seriously horrendous bad trip, because the evidence of his eyes was impossible. Because James Potter could not be lying on the floor, glasses slightly skewed and gazing up at the ceiling blindly. Because James Potter was smiling when Sirius had last seen him. Because James Potter had been happy. Because James Potter was...

Dead.

The reality crashed into him, driving him to his knees, his fingers reached out searching automatically for purchase as his grief consumed him, tearing, shredding, shattering his soul into so many pieces. He gasped in a lungful of chill autumnal air, eyes wide and staring at a tiny glint of star light on his friend's glasses. And then, it ripped itself free of him and he screamed. He screamed for so long, so hard that his throat felt like it was breaking along with his mind. He grabbed handfuls of his hair, yanking it roughly as he sought to attempt to relieve some of his pain. He screamed loudly. He didn't think. He poured all his soul crushing agony into that single, piercing note until he fell onto his hands coughing and retching. Finally he sat there, on all fours, panting and gasping as his eyes took in the terrifying sight of his friend, lying dead in his own hallway, a look of surprise and fear etched into his eternally young face.

_On the Thirty-First of October, 1981, James and Lily Potter were murdered by Lord Voldemort._

The only sound that managed to reach into his subconscious was the tiny, muffled noise of a child. Its pathetic sobs stirred something inside Sirius and he climbed to his feet, stumbling into the wall as dizziness overcame him. He shook his head and moved forward, tripping on the stairs but standing once again. Slowly he climbed the stairs and entered the hall way, he turned towards the cold air that came in through the bit of cottage that had been destroyed, he moved towards it and his eyes moved around the small room that had belonged to Harry. Lily lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of the crib, which was somehow miraculously intact. Her body was as still, as empty of life as James' but Sirius no longer had the will to scream so he moved slowly, each foot fall like the toll of a death knell. He saw the child, standing in his cot, gripping the bars and sobbing piteously. Those beautiful green eyes gazed back at him as he reached towards him, Sirius lifted the child into his arms and above his head he gazed long and hard at James' son. The miracle boy that had been born in a time of war and violence, the beautiful thing in his arms cried and Sirius realised he was bleeding, he drew him close, cradling him in his arms and used his sleeve to wipe away the blood. He saw an awful, lightening shaped wound on the child's forehead and he blinked down at it. This boy had survived...against all the odds this one child had somehow survived the Killing Curse.

Sirius numbly took Harry out of the collapsed room, down the stairs where he passed the body of his friend and out into the star lit night. "Hush..." He croaked as he held the child close to his chest, he realised that Harry was freezing cold so he took off his own jacket and wrapped the child in it, clutching him as if he were a lifeline before falling backwards into the grass of the Potters' front lawn. "I g-guess i-it's just you an' me now kid." He whispered, his voice made rough by his sore throat. He could hardly feel the tears that fell down his cheeks. He couldn't feel the cold, because he had _become_ the cold. His heart was numb and he was shocked to discover it still beating, however, Harry was warm against his chest and he was unable to let the child go. He looked up at the sky and saw Canis Major, he stared at the Dog Star, wishing, wishing and _wishing_ as hard he could for it to take it all back. He wished that he could have died in James's place; he wished he could go back and swap his life for those of his friends. He closed his eyes and wished for everything to simply end.

He rolled over onto his side, laying Harry next to him as he ran a finger down the child's face. Harry was asleep, his little hands grasping at something in his sleep. "Ya'know what?" Sirius whispered, curling himself protectively around the warm boy. "W-we'll...b-be a-alright..." he began sobbing, completely helpless in the face of this crushing grief. "Y-You an' me...a-against t-the w-world...J-James..." He closed his eyes tightly, speaking his name was too much. "H-He w-would've w-wanted...this...Harry. Harry...You're so small. You don't understand...h-how could you?" he closed his eyes, turning his face so he buried it into the crook of his arm and he let his desperate sobs shatter the silence of the night.

And that was how Hagrid found him; Curled around the small bundle of leather, sobbing like a child.

"Sirius?"

Sirius couldn't move, so he simply shook his head and moaned. "No..."

"'s t-true then?"

Sirius said nothing, the half-giant fell silent. There was a thump and Sirius heard Hagrid begin crying loudly, he half opened his own eyes and gazed at nothing.

"S-Sirius...D-Dumbledore s-sen' me ta g-get 'arry."

"Why?" Sirius asked through the thick fog that had settled over him, his voice was emotionless as he drew Harry's sleeping form closer to his body protectively. They would have to prize the child from his cold, dead fingers before he let him go anywhere.

"'C-cuz 'e's go' family Sirius. Tha' boy is special..."

"Don't tell me how special he is!" Sirius snapped furiously, Harry stirred in his arms and he shushed him gently, stroking hair from his face. "He's James' son! He is more special than anyone...a-anyone c-could..." He squeezed his eyes shut as a new wave of grief washed over him, obscuring his thoughts while he trembled. Half his face was pressed into the grass, it was cold and damp on his heated cheek but he didn't want to let Harry go. If he did he didn't know what would happen, but he knew it would mean bad, terrible things.

"Sirius...Dumbledore reckons..."

"I don't care!" Sirius shouted, his voice cracking. "I don't care! You can't take him from me! I'm his Godfather! J-James wanted...H-he wanted me to..." the tears seemed endless as he choked on his voice, unable to form a coherent sentence. Finally he managed to control his breathing. "Please...please, Hagrid...I'll do anything! Anything at all! Let me keep him! Don't...don't take him away from me! He's the only thing I have left! H-He's my only family!"

There was muffled sob as Hagrid tried to control his own tears. "'m sure you'd be able ter visit...I-I mean, He's only gunna be righ' round the corner...a-an' y-you're 'is Godfather...'e needs 'is family."

Sirius's eyes opened again, he gently stroked Harry's forehead as he thought about what life would be like for him if he tried to raise a baby. Like an agonising bolt of the most exquisite pain he realised that he wasn't in a fit state to raise a child, he couldn't do it. He had failed James. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. "It's all my fault...All my fault. F-forgive me...p-please..." He kissed Harry's forehead and slowly sat up.

Hagrid heard the soft, whispered words and something seemed to shift within him as he watched the young, handsome man stand, cradling the baby. As Hagrid looked into those silver, red-rimmed eyes he saw a darkness that made chills creep into his heafty bones. He felt chills of fear run up and down his spine as Sirius Black strode towards him, purposefully. "S-Sirius?" He asked nervously.

"Take him." Sirius replied, holding out the sleeping infant. "Take him to his family, it's where he belongs." Hagrid took the baby, he fit into his palm perfectly. Sirius took a deep, shuddery breath, straightening his back as his sharp eyes flicked back to Hagrids face. "Make sure he's protected, make sure he's looked after and loved! Promise me! Promise me he will be loved!"

"I-I..." Hagrid was confused by the change in the young man but he nodded dumbly.

"Take my bike...it'll get you to Dumbledore faster." With that Sirius drew out his wand, his eyes locked onto the small baby. He took a long, hard look at James' legacy before closing his eyes and spinning into crushing darkness.

That night Sirius returned to his flat, he worked quickly, his mind focussed on only one thing. He gathered up his most treasured possessions placing them all into a silver box and sealing it. He took it and walked out of his apartment, leaving everything behind as he strode out into the night. He buried the box by the Tomb of his family, compacting the earth down. His eyes landed on the inscription on the tomb and he read it slowly before a small, humourless and utterly deranged smile lit his face. Now, if he died, he would be buried with his brother...no body...just a small, silver trinket box of fond memories, memories of days long past...days when he was content to simply revolve around his sun.

But now his sun had gone out...gone with the blast of a supernova.

Sirius moved through the streets, eyes searching, searching desperately for him. He was hunting. His nose attuned to the scent of betrayal, to the scent of rat. London was busy, filled to bursting with muggles, who never spared him a glance as he moved quickly through them, he was basically invisible. As dawn touched the horizon he paused eyes moving around the streets, he thought he had caught a whiff of traitor...his eyes were cold, daggers of icy steel, his rage was as cold as ice and as deadly. As he searched the area he caught sight of it. A small man, plump and he reeked of terror. Sirius's grin resurfaced and he broke into a run, he pushed people aside, intent only upon his quarry. Wormtail dived around a corner and Sirius followed. The plump man didn't seem to realise he was being followed, until he heard the shout.

"PETTIGREW!"

He spun on his heels, cloak swirling around him and his watery blue eyes widened in gut wrenching fear. Sirius had his wand out, pointing directly at him, his face twisted in insane fury. His hair was picked up by the wind as he stood there, panting and a split second before he could open his mouth Peter spoke over his words...

"How could you do it?" He said clearly, gaining as much attention as he could.

Sirius's face fell slightly in confusion, but again, before he could speak, he was drowned out.

"They trusted you, Sirius! They trusted you and you betrayed them!" Peter licked his lips, he would only have a split seconds chance to time this correctly, and if he didn't he would die...because Sirius was going to murder him and nothing could stop him. "YOU BETRAYED THEM!" He screamed, watching Sirius's face contort with fury as he lifted his wand, his mouth formed the first word...

BANG!

Sirius was thrown off his feet, the explosion knocking sense from him. His wand flew from his fingers and he hit the concrete with a crunch. He gasped, winded and in pain. There were screams. So many screams. He blinked slowly up at the clear blue sky, his ears ringing horribly as he slowly climbed to his feet, he stumbled but regained his balance. Hot sticky blood coated his hands, his face and his white t-shirt was stained with it as he gazed around at the devastation. He could see corpses everywhere, body parts scattered like discarded toys all over the pavements and road. He stumbled forward again, still unable to hear due to the horrible ringing in his ears. He looked down into a crater and gazed at the finger lying in the centre. Something deep inside him snapped like a taught rubber band and he collapsed to his knees. He was unable to hear his own giggles, even as the giggles became full blown laughter...he rocked back on his heels laughing even as tears cascaded down his face. He laughed so hard his sides ached...because really, it was quite amusing. Peter had stolen his last chance at redemption...Peter had killed himself.

Moody gazed at the boy. He was so young, so young and so very, very disturbed. He sat in a pool of crimson before the massive crater and he rocked back and forth, laughing manically. There was a disturbing waver to his voice, it was harsh, cracked and demented. With a jerk of his head he gave the order to move in, his Auror's edged closer to the mad man, looking nervous but Sirius didn't fight back even as he was wrapped in ropes, his laughter died down eventually until he was sitting there, hiccoughing slightly as he gazed into space. Tears wouldn't stop pouring down his red cheeks, the blood there running so that it looked as if he was crying blood. Moody would have felt pity for him, he would have, but he was too old for pity. He would have felt something, but he had liked James and Lily Potter, they had been good people. He would have said something as they had lifted Black up and taken him away but the boy, however insane, deserved his punishment. And so, he lifted the boy's wand above his good knee and slammed it down, hard...it snapped with a small bang and a few pathetic seeming sparks...

Sirius watched them snap his wand through eyes that were still filling with tears even as his whole body went numb inside. He watched Moody hand the remnants to a subordinate before giving the order to have him held in the Ministry until his trial.

_On the first of November 1981, Sirius Orion Black was arrested for the Betrayal of Lily and James Potter and the Murder of Peter Pettigrew and several unnamed Muggles._

Remus could only stare at Dumbledore. He was certain he had misheard him...surely...it couldn't be...impossible...

But it wasn't.

He saw their bodies. Lying in the grass beside their cottage as the sun rose on a new day, the sun that mocked them all. It was bright and yellow, hovering in the empty blue sky and Remus suddenly wished, for the first time in his life that the moon was full...that he was trapped in a room with the only person he had ever, ever actually wanted to kill...

Sirius Black.

Traitor.

Betrayer.

Worthless, lying, pathetic..._coward_!

Remus fell to his knees, right in the middle of the street and tipped his head back so that the cold sun could glitter off the tears on his cheeks. All he could see were James and Lily's smiling faces, all he could hear was their laughter...He choked and lowered his head, planting one hand firmly on the stone beneath him while his tears fell from his eyes and splattered on the floor. He could hear others, people crying, people screaming loudly, people murmuring about tragedies and sadness, some already speaking about Voldemorts death. And Remus couldn't care about any of it. The world had ended. It had turned black and withered and he no longer wanted anything to do with any humans. He hated them. They only caused pain. They betrayed. They lied. They left you alone, with nothing, nothing and _nothing_!

He stood slowly, wiping his sleeve across his eyes and composing himself with difficulty. "Remus?" He looked up at Dumbledore whose eyes were filled with his own grief. "Will you be alright?" Remus nodded, unable to speak, for fear he would scream. Dumbledore placed a consoling hand on his shoulder. "If you have nowhere else to go, dear boy, may I offer you a place at the school? We would welcome your skills in Defence Against the Dark Arts...?"

He found his voice, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "I-I can't..." He muttered. "I really...really can't...I can't go back there...ever." He shook his head, swallowing the pain.

"I understand." Dumbledore said softly.

Remus's eyes moved to the two bodies lying on the floor. "L-let me...let me say goodbye..." He asked.

"Of course." Dumbledore watched the Werewolf walk stiffly to his two best friends and he stood over them, gazing down into their blank faces. Someone had closed their eyes for them so they looked as if they could have been sleeping. He watched Remus lower his head and step back. He turned and walked away from it all.

Remus walked away. He couldn't stand to be in the company of anyone anymore, there was no one, except Dumbledore, who he could trust. He couldn't even trust himself anymore. And so, he left. He faded off the map, hiding in different places across the country, working when he could, and when he couldn't he would live in abandoned buildings, feeling the rain drip down the back of his neck and think back...back to sunny days in Hogwarts when none of them really had to worry about who was going to die next or where the next attack would come from. He gazed into the past and felt the agony of his friends deaths, felt the exquisite pain when he pictured Sirius's smiling face and wished that he could tear it to shreds...he wished he could stop _loving_ him!

Sirius assumed he would be put on trial, he had assumed he would get a chance to speak his piece...he was mistaken. The holding cell was tiny and he sat in a corner, his head resting on his knees as he silently mourned the destruction of his whole world.

When the Dementors came for him he tried to press himself into a corner, he was helpless...absolutely helpless against the freezing cold that seeped into his heart. He ended up sobbing, screaming incoherently as he was dragged from the cell and pulled through a corridor made by people. He was taken to a deep underground courtroom where he was chained into a chair, he sat still, head bowed, breath ragged as it was ripped from his aching chest.

"Sirius Orion Black, the Wizengamot has decided to sentence you to a lifetime in Azkaban for the murder of Peter Pettigrew and several Muggles. You will be shipped out tomorrow...there will be no chance of reprieve. The Wizengamot has spoken." Bartemis Crouch said clearly, slamming a hammer down onto a wooden block.

Sirius slowly lifted his eyes to the man stood on a dais above him, his breathing caught in his throat as he felt fury engulf him. "No! No! I didn't! I didn't! You can't do this!" he struggled violently as Dementors closed in around him, his wild, terrified eyes met those of Dumbledore's. They were hard and he shook his head, turning away...and Sirius felt despair empty him of his fighting spirit...He slumped in the chair, head low as tears slid down his face and freezing, scabbed hands closed on his arms. "_Please_..." he whispered as he was dragged out into the hall, where people hissed and spat insults at him as he passed. "_Please_...I didn't...I _wouldn't_..." His voice trailed off and he closed his eyes as hated screams filled his head...he fell into his haunted past and the darkness swamped him...

"_Filthy Blood-traitor! You are no son of mine!"_

"_I hate you! Why won't you die?"_

"_Shall we see how much the blood-traitor can stand?"_

"_The Dark Lord would be pleased if we killed the little fucker..."_

"_No...don't kill him yet, I want to play..."_

"_Die? Dying would be too easy for the likes of you, you filthy traitor! Do you regret it? Do you regret staining this noble and ancient house with your disgusting opinions?"_

"_We are disappointed, you are the shame of your mother. I will no longer call you my son."_

"_You are hated, Sirius. No one loves you, no one ever will. You'll die alone and abandoned."_

Sirius lay on his back in a cold, tiny cell. He stared blindly up at the ceiling as the roar of the sea joined the insane screams of his cell mates, he didn't flinch when someone began plucking at his robes curiously. He couldn't even find the strength in himself to brush them away. he chest rose and fell slowly, sometimes tears would fall from eyes he had thought were dry but obviously they weren't. He hadn't been there for that long, and finally he sat up and blinked around at his fellows who gazed at him through dark, dead eyes some of them smiling at him, revealing black teeth. Others simply sat curled in corners drooling on themselves as they twitched and one man Sirius was certain was actually dead. He looked down at himself and saw that he was wearing a plain grey robe; prison garb.

_No one loves you, no one ever will. You'll die alone and abandoned_

_You'll die alone and abandoned_

_You'll die alone_

Time had no place in the cold dark. Sirius curled up in a corner, resting his head on his knees as bars rattled around him, prisoners screamed, others burbled, others were silent. He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself, biting hard on his lip and trying to concentrate on something that didn't involve James's hazel eyes. Someone sat at his side, pulling at his hair and he ignored them, staring at a patch of floor as if he could bring them back to him just by looking.

_You'll die alone_

_No one loves you_

_You'll die alone_

_Abandoned_

The endless time passed. Sirius never spoke to his fellow prisoners and when they realised they weren't going get him to react they left him alone...until it was feeding time. At first Sirius never bothered, he slowly got thinner, his body devouring itself and he hoped that he would die. Then, one day he had a vision...it was so clear, so perfect it was as if some outside source had sent it to him. His eyes widened as he gazed at the wall, there he stood. Remus. He smiled, clutching a book in one hand and smiling, he lifted his hand and Sirius found himself reaching for it, his heart hammering in his chest but when his fingers reached Remus's the vision faded and was replaced by a man with scruffy hair, he was holding out a plate of some kind of un-nameable food to him and scratching his head. "Here, you gotta eat kid." He said placing the food on the floor, Sirius looked at him with lips slightly parted. "If you don't eat you'll get weak...and in here, the weak don't survive. Eat and make sure you don't make yourself a target for the predators."

Sirius swallowed and spoke, his voice coming out cracked and sounding nothing like him. "Thanks..." He muttered, pulling the plate closer. He used his fingers, in the absence of cutlery, to scoop the nasty smelling slop into his mouth. His stomach clenched painfully on the first few bites but eventually he realised just how fucking hungry he was. The man laughed as he watched Sirius devour the food, when he was done he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and noticed that the man hadn't eaten anything. "I...uh...Was that yours?" he asked, feeling a twinge of guilt.

The man shrugged. "I'm old, kid, my time's nearly up...you're young and still have hope."

Sirius let out a bark of humourless laughter. "Hope? There is no hope."

"Ah, but there's always hope." The man nodded, stretching his legs out with a wince. "I saw it in your eyes, when you were reaching for me...I'm guessing it wasn't me you were seeing?" Sirius shook his head, leaning against the cold wall. "If there's someone who can make you look like that then you gotta hold onto it. Keep whatever you can away from the taint of the Dementors, because they'll strip you bare and leave you a slobberin' mass." Sirius nodded again. The old man let his gaze wander around the other prisoners. "What you in for?"

Sirius looked at him through pitch black hair. "Murder." He whispered.

"Ah, who'd ya kill?"

Sirius's smile was wonky, slightly mad. "My best mate, his wife...but the guy I wanted to kill...robbed me of that chance..."

"That's how it goes." The man shrugged. "The names Edger, Edger Allen." Sirius shook his hand absently.

"Sirius..." he paused and frowned. "Sirius Black." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"That explains a lot." The man nodded. "Insane family, yours."

"Tell me about it."

"Why did you kill your mate and his wife?"

"I...I gave them bad advice. I...I put my trust in the wrong person." Sirius lowered his head, hiding his grief from the man. "I told them...it was all my idea..." He muttered, covering his eyes with one hand.

"Sounds like you're tryin' to say you're innocent..." The Edger's voice was dubious.

"I am." Sirius said softly. "But...I'm not."

The man said no more and silence fell between them. They grew quite close to each other, the man taught Sirius how to survive the prisoners, and he learned that many were harmless but some would get violent at the slightest provocation, and these men would kill anyone with their bare hands for no other reason than that they had been walking past. Sirius became wise to the different types of prisoners, he learned quickly and Edger was quietly impressed at his willingness to survive.

One day, Edger watched Sirius sleep, he was twitching, moaning in his sleep, whispering names over and over:

_Remus...James...Remus...James..._

He never asked who these people were, he simply accepted that the boy, just like everyone else had a disturbed past. Sometimes he would wake up screaming as if he was being tortured, his eyes would be wide, unseeing and sparkle in the dim light from the heavy torches in the walls. Again, Edger did and said nothing, he concentrated on teaching this boy to survive, because if he didn't he would be forced to watch yet another young life be snuffed out by the darkness of the place.


	19. Chapter Nineteen: In Hell

_**Authors Note: Ah, and so we move on! :D I actually enjoy torturing Sirius and Remus far too much...am I a sadist? Why yes, yes I am! Do I care? Nope, not in the slightest! MWAHAHAH! Please enjoy and keep reviewing! I stayed up all night writing it! lol**_

Chapter Nineteen: In Hell

When he slept he dreamed. When he woke he screamed. When he recovered he lay against the cold stone wall and gazed into the past with dark eyes. When the Dementors came he was dragged into the icy darkness, kicking and screaming. When feeding time came he stole what he could, taking it into a corner and eating fast before it could be taken away from him. He had no idea why he was trying to survive, but every time he considered giving up he would see Remus' face, that soft smile, that beautiful hair and he would hear that laughter...and he simply couldn't allow himself to curl into a corner and join the other quiet ones...because deep down he still had that tiny flame driving him onwards...he was innocent. He had never betrayed his friends...

Edger watched Black, he was a fascinating young man. He had the face and body of an Adonis, and yet the eyes of a world weary old man...an odd combination. He knew that if the boy was to smile, one of genuine joy, he would probably be beautiful, even with his lank, greasy hair and filthy face. He could do little more than teach him, he wanted this boy, this poor, broken child of war, to survive because he had sins of his own to carry and he had to at least try and help at least one person before Azkaban sucked the last of his life out.

Sirius sat in a dark corner, his eyes unfocussed and his breath coming in short gasps as they vaporized in the air. He was scratching something into the wall with a sharp stone he had found. Edger watched him with a raised eyebrow as he realised he was drawing a picture, a picture of three people...three children. One appeared to have glasses, another held a book in his hands and the third had long hair. Then he saw Sirius pause, a frown darkening his face as he looked up at the three boys...they had eyes, noses and hands...but no mouths. Slowly Sirius looked down at the stone in his hands. "Why won't you smile for me...?" He whispered in a harsh voice. "I-I...I don't know what to do...if you don't smile...I-I can't..." He looked up at the picture. "All I ever wanted was to see you smile." He lifted his hand, pressing it over the face of the boy in the centre, the one with glasses. "When can I ask for your forgiveness..." he said with a shudder wracking his frame.

"Who are they?" Edger asked, coming to sit beside his cell mate. Sirius glanced at him, his eyes glittering oddly.

"They won't smile." He said in that same, dead monotone. "I-I've...forgotten...what they looked like...I can't see him smile!" he shoved fingers into his hair and bowed his head, shaking it quickly. "He won't smile! H-He'll...n-never smile! It's all my fault! Everything is my fault!"

Edger reached out, putting his hand on the boys shoulder. "We all forget eventually." He said slowly.

Sometime later, he had no idea how long, Edger found Sirius gazing up at the drawing, eyes wide and his breathing fast, he had the stone in his shaking fingers, fingers that had once been long and elegant but were now little more than bones. He watched in morbid fascination as Sirius scribbled words all over the picture, he leaned closer and heard him humming in a cracked voice. He read the words slowly, realising they were a lullaby, a muggle lullaby...

_Lullaby and good night  
>In the sky stars are bright<br>May the moons silvery beams  
>Bring you sweet dreams<em>

_Close your eyes now and rest  
>May these hours be blessed<br>Til the sky's bright with dawn  
>When you wake with a yawn<em>

_Lullaby and good night  
>You are mothers delight<br>Ill protect you from harm  
>And you'll wake in my arms<em>

When he was finished he dropped the stone and gazed up at it, blinking slowly as tears slid down his face. And still, those faces remained...covered in scratches, random snatches of lyrics, furious scribbles of phrases and the names...names repeated over and over until they blurred into nonsense;

_..._

And one word stood alone...it was written in huge, three foot letters and had become a curiosity to the other inmates. That single word seemed to thrum with a bright energy, surrounded by the dark despair of the prison...the word was powerful...and Edger was fascinated.

LOVE

It was simple, simple and impossibly random. No one understood what it was doing there, they whispered behind hands when they saw Sirius, on his knees before it, gazing up at it like he was praying to some kind of God.

The years passed like a dark blur, Remus wandered the country, sometimes living in hostels, sometimes being able to afford renting a room somewhere. He went from place to place, village to village, town to town, always moving, never staying anywhere long enough to be contacted by anyone. He was lost in swirling darkness, the change wreaked havoc on his body, it had never been so painful as the wolf clawed at his skin, tearing at his body and his screams became lost in the night with his heart. And yet, when he woke in the morning, before he opened his eyes he could almost feel warm arms around him, he could hear the soft whispers of those he loved...

_Remus, you'll be alright._

_We'll never leave you..._

_It doesn't matter to us, you're our friend..._

_Remus, don't forget..._

And when he opened his eyes, they were blurred with tears. When he opened his eyes and gazed out at the lonely place he had chosen to change he knew that he would never be able to forget...he would _never_ be able to forget.

Everything Sirius had told him, everything they had shared were lies. Deceitful, evil, fake...Sirius Black...the name made him want to scream in frustration. It made him want to cry. It made him want to turn back time, undo everything...he wanted to take back his heart, his innocence...everything he had ever given to the man, he wanted it back...but he was probably dying in a cold, filthy cell somewhere off the coast of Scotland. He took a savage pleasure in knowing that he was probably being tortured by the draining effects of the Dementors and the memories of James' face.

Sirius lay on his side, his head covered by his arms. He shook violently and closed his eyes so tightly it almost hurt. He dared not open them...because when he opened his eyes he would see him sitting there...sitting in that dark corner opposite him with great big, staring dead eyes. He moaned and curled in on himself, silently begging the vision to go away...he didn't want to see it. He couldn't look into those accusing hazel eyes, the ones with the golden rings, and see the hatred there. He had failed him. He had failed James...he had convinced them...he was as responsible for their deaths as much as Peter was. He shuddered and cracked an eye open, there he was, sitting in the corner, one leg drawn into his chest and an arm resting across it casually. His messy hair stuck up at the back and his glasses were lopsided, he was wearing the same jeans, the same crimson jumper he had died in.

"_Do you feel guilty?"_

His lips didn't move, but Sirius heard the words as if they had been whispered into his ear. "Y-Yes...Yes...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...please...f-forgive me..."

"_You told us to use him, Sirius...You told us to put our trust and hope into a coward."_

Sirius flinched and shuffled further into his corner. "I'm sorry." He blinked and when his eyes opened again he sighed in relief as James was gone, but then he felt breath on his cheek and he turned his head so he was gazing into the face of his best friend. James's hands were planted firmly on either side of Sirius' head and he looked sad, impossibly sad.

"_You destroyed me."_

Sirius felt tears slide down his face as he reached up to his friends face, finger tips hovering just over his cheek. "James..." he croaked. "You're my sun...I revolve around you...remember?"

"_Nothing can make me forget."_

James leaned down, pressing his forehead against Sirius's so their eyes were close. Sirius couldn't feel it, but he imagined he could...he thought he could feel the brush of that hair against his face...and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

_Thirteen years old, Sirius Black climbed onto the train with a wince as the bruises from the previous nights beating twinged as he lugged his trunk down the corridor, searching for a free compartment. He found one and threw his trunk on the rack, awaiting his friends. Slowly he lifted his t-shirt to reveal a bruise the size of a Quaffle across his ribs, he hissed air through his teeth and closed his eyes, tipping his head back against the seat._

"_Siri-...woah..."_

_Sirius's eyes snapped open to see James standing there with wide eyes on the bruise. Sirius covered it quickly and tried to assume his usual 'devil may care' attitude...but that look in James' eyes hurt worse than the bruises. He turned away. "It's nothing mate, honestly. I...I-er...fell down the stairs."_

_James said nothing as he put his trunk in the rack next to Sirius' and sat at his side. He took Sirius' hand and sat there in silence, Sirius felt the warmth of that simple touch and smiled weakly. "Whatever it is, whoever is doing this to you...you can tell me." James said after a long moment. "We're brothers, remember?" He turned his head and looked directly into Sirius' eyes._

_Sirius opened his mouth but his throat closed over, as it did every time he tried to tell James what his parents did to him. Instead he smiled, covering the hurt and anguish with a mask. "I'm alright mate." He said and ignored James' worried gaze._

_That Christmas Sirius woke, screaming, from a nightmare...he lay in his sweat soaked bed, eyes gazing blankly up at the ceiling before he suddenly sat up, running for the bathroom. James heard the door slam and the distinctive sounds of Sirius throwing up, yet again. He sighed, pulling open his bed curtains and waited. When the sound of flushing came and the noise of running water he closed his eyes, pretending to sleep...the sound of soft feet padding across the floor, the dip in the mattress as weight was put on it...cold air as the blanket was moved back and then a trembling body was pressed into his side, hot breath on his neck. He rolled over, wrapping an arm around Sirius' waist. "Go to sleep." He whispered softly. "You're safe."_

_When Sirius cried silently on those nights, they never spoke of it. When he woke, usually before James, he would move back into his own bed and pretend to sleep until Remus and Peter woke. But sometimes, he would stay for a while longer, just looking at James' sleeping face...and James would hear him whisper: 'You're my sun...without you...there'd only ever be darkness.' And he would pull Sirius closer to himself._

Of course he remembered. He could never forget it...because James had been his everything...until he had come to terms with his feelings for Remus. He didn't think that he had loved James in anything more than a purely platonic way, but those moments when they had been curled up together in the bed, the sun turning the quiet dormitory a soft rose colour...he thought that perhaps he could have fallen in love with him...just a bit.

Sirius gazed up at the image of his dead friend, the pain and despair so strong it was palatable. He wants to touch him, to pull him into an embrace, to tell him how sorry he is, to force him alive just by wanting it to be so...but the image is already rippling, it's already fading. The last he sees of James is a brief flash of a smile, a smile that says he is still his friend...a smile that sends a violent flash of hope through Sirius...because James doesn't blame him! Because James doesn't hate him! Then it disappears and he falls back into darkness...to be haunted by the other figure that sits in the dark corners of his cell, the other figure that he cannot bring himself to speak to because he knows...he knows this figure will never forgive him.

That dark figure haunts him. He sits silently and gazes at Sirius with pained eyes, he does nothing but sit in the corners, gazing at him and looking as if his world was falling apart. When Sirius met those sad brown eyes he would only remember those same eyes glazed with passion, hair stuck the pale forehead with sweat as he gasped his name, over and over in a litany of love and devotion.

The years passed in a swirl of darkness and Sirius lost himself In it, the screams and rattling bars, the noise of the sea faded into background noise as he was swamped in agonising memories of a woman with dark hair, dark eyes and a face full of fury...of a fist...a belt...pain. Pain. Pain...nonstop pain. Insults, hissed from the shadows..._bloodtraitor, filth, useless, stain of dishonour_..._pathetic_..._coward._..Memories of faceless men and woman, hot flesh, sweat, sticky lips, tongues, groans of desire...soft whispers...gentle fingers...screaming. Terrible screams. Scars. Pain...more pain. A face...a face that shines out of the darkness, but Sirius can no longer remember the name. He doesn't remember the name that he should have been whispering in the dark...he couldn't remember the significance of that face, or the seeming importance that he remember the name.

He comes around in brief, short bouts of full consciousness. Sirius sat up, hand to his head and suddenly the noise that surrounded him doubled in intensity, he almost winced as he gazed into the corridor beyond and heard the terribly familiar sound of Dementors, he crawled towards the bars and looked out to see several of them gliding down the corridor towards him, he watched in trepidation as they approached. He swallowed the terror, pushing aside the memories, now blurred and incomprehensible by his time in the prison. He heard a voice a normal voice that helped him cling to his tenuous sanity, a portly man with what appeared to be a lime green bowler hat in his hands followed the dementors. In his other hand he held a newspaper. Sirius waited for them to approach, trying to stop himself from recoiling like all the others, when the man's cloak passed him, he reached out, grabbing it, making the man jump and squeak.

The man looked down at the prisoner, just like the rest he was filthy, his long hair reaching past his elbows and he was so thin he could have been a skeleton but his eyes...his eyes didn't hold the insanity of most of the other inmates. The man snatched his cloak from those bony fingers, which still had surprising strength in them.

Then the prisoner spoke, voice cracked and roughened from lack of use. "C-can I..." Sirius cleared his throat. "Can I have that?" he asked, nodding towards the paper.

The man looked down at the paper with a frown. Where was the harm in giving the paper to a prisoner? Even if that prisoner was Sirius Black? He shrugged. "Alright..." he handed it over, trying to avoid actually touching him.

Sirius took the news paper with a strained smile, retreating back into the shadows. He flicked the paper and gazed at the headline, he moved his eyes to the date:

_29__th__ July 1993_

He blinked. That was impossible. He closed his eyes tightly and looked back at the date...no...definitely still the same. With a shake of his head he opened the paper and began reading greedily, taking full advantage of his temporary escape from insanity. He read through the articles, amazed by the speed with which things had progressed, and then he paused. He gazed at a photograph...

_MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE_

_Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office at the Ministry of Magic, has won the annual Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw__.__ A delighted Mr. Weasley told the Daily Prophet, "We will be__ spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, where our eldest son, Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank." __The Weasley family will be spending a month in Egypt, returning for the start of the new school year at Hogwarts, which f__ive of the Weasley children currently attend._

It was not the article that held him still, like a hunting dog...it was the photograph that grabbed him. In the centre of the photograph was a tall, gangly boy and on his shoulder...on his shoulder was a rat. A large, scruffy rat. Sirius felt his heart start to hammer in his chest so violently it was almost as if it was trying to escape his chest, fury seared his blood, making it boil. His hands shook violently so the paper rustled and he took in great gasps of breath. The rat had a missing toe...

_He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts._

It became his mantra, he tore the picture from the paper and gazed at it, curled in a corner silver eyes wide and overly bright.

_He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts._

He had to get out. He had to get out and finally get his revenge...he hadn't failed James. He could finally...finally get his revenge!

_He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts._

Getting past the guards would be difficult...he spent hours with a dark, brooding frown on his face as he tried to work out a way of escape without a wand. Then, when it came to him, his laughter echoed through the deep halls of Azkaban, making prisoners shudder in fear as they realised that somewhere was a more dangerous man then they were. But for Sirius, it was all so blindingly obvious, he had been so stupid! He stopped eating, the other prisoners assumed it was because he had given up, they assumed it was because he had stopped trying to live...how wrong they were.

_He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts._

He spent hours, desperation making concentration all that much more difficult. He sat, eyes closed, trying and trying to change his form. He remembered when it had been easy, he remembered how he had loved the wonderful tingle through his body as it shifted into that of an animal, he remembered how he had loved it when he found his emotions shrinking, becoming simpler and easier to deal with...

_He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts._

It came to him. One day when the sea crashed against the rocks outside, he found the centre of himself...and that wonderful tingle went up his spine as his shape shifted, it was sticky at first, he spent a few moments worrying if he would be stuck as a gelatinous blob...but then he reformed.

A dog sat in the cell, wagging it's tail happily, it's tongue lolling from its mouth. It's ribs stuck out from its sides and they heaved when it breathed but finally it climbed to its feet, moving towards the bars of the cell...the cell he no longer shared with anyone. Solitary confinement had been granted to him after the death of a fellow inmate, it had been gory and all those he had shared with had been placed in different cells. So now, the dog slid through the bars easily. He padded silently down the corridors, pausing to sniff every now and again, seeking the fresh air...

_He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts._

When Dementors passed him, they only glanced back, unable to be sure what they were sensing. The dog slipped by them, unable to really feel their effects. He padded through corridor after corridor, past doors and cells...until finally, finally he found himself standing upon a cliff. He lifted his head, eyes closing as the salty wind whipped around him, tugging playfully at his fur. He felt a surge of joy, it was almost painful in its intensity and he threw his head back, howling loudly. With a last bark he leapt...

The sea swamped him, filling his eyes, ears and throat...he rose, he went under the next wave...his legs worked furiously as he swam. Desperately he struggled through the dark waves as they crashed into him, dragging him under, he ached, his breath came in wheezy gasps but he kept going...

_He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts. He's at Hogwarts._

He felt his body tiring; it was too fast...he had to keep going. The sea dragged him beneath it, drowning him...yanking his body beneath its surface...


	20. Chapter Twenty: James' Legacy

_**Wow, so, this one took a bit of time to write, mainly because I had to go back and re-read the third book, just to refresh my memory of what happened. Thank you, all of you, for reading and leaving me reviews! You are awesome people and I love you! :D Please, keep enjoying because it's far from over! Remember that you the best people in the world, you make me feel worth something and for that I am grateful.**_

Chapter Twenty: James' Legacy

Remus opened the paper...and what he saw made his heart go cold. The picture showed Sirius, gazing back at him through lank hair that reached his elbows, his silver eyes heavily lidded and filled with darkness. Prison had sapped him of most of his good looks, but they were still there, lurking behind the insanity and the protruding cheek bones. He felt his fingers convulse on the paper, making it crumple and tear as his heart hammered in his chest. Then he dropped it, standing up abruptly, startling his roommates in the hostel. "Harry..." he muttered and fled the room, finding a private place to Apparate.

Dumbledore received the letter, he read it slowly, the hand writing was rushed and familiar. He couldn't say that it was all that surprising to hear from Remus after the news of Sirius Black's escape.

_Albus, _

_I heard...it was in the paper this morning! Please...please tell me it's not true? He can't have escaped! It...it should be impossible! Is Harry safe? Is he going to be alright? I have to know! Don't keep me in the dark!_

_R.J. Lupin._

His reply was fast and Remus received it while he was sitting in an abandoned warehouse somewhere near London. The letter appeared with a flash of fire and a crimson feather...he grabbed it, tearing it open and reading it.

_Remus,_

_Harry is fine. He is safe and I intend him to remain so, he will be under the strictest protection while at school and for now he is under the watch of the Ministry at the Leaky Cauldron after attempting to run away from his Aunt and Uncle's home after blowing up his Aunt. The Ministry have been in contact and they have insisted that I allow Dementors to patrol the school grounds to ensure, not just Harry's safety, but that of the other students as well, unfortunately I have had to agree as the Ministry were particularly adamant. However, I am willing to place one more safety measure upon Hogwarts, if you would be so inclined, I would ask you what I did back in nineteen eighty one...would you be willing to take up the Defence Against the Dark Arts position? It would, of course, only be a temporary precaution and I would, as always, ensure the safety of the students every full moon. Severus Snape is very adept at Potion making and has the skill to create the wolfsbane potion; you would have no need to fear harming others during your tenure. Also, I do believe that it would do Harry some good to be able to hear of his parents from someone who knew them and was close to them, if he were, by chance, to discover the truth regarding Sirius' betrayal. _

_Please consider this opportunity carefully; I would be happy to welcome you back._

_Yours faithfully,_

_Albus Wulfric Percival Dumbledore._

Remus' reply was fast. He didn't even need to think about it, he was ready...he was ready to finally meet James' Legacy.

Sirius crept through the darkening streets, a vague memory of Lily sitting in a chair, tea in one hand and her hand covering her large stomach with the other as she spoke about her muggle family to him. She had mentioned how her sister had moved in with her husband to a place in Surry, Privet Drive. Sirius walked silently, his breathing heavy as he paused, sniffing the wind, eyes half closed. He was loving the breeze, he was loving the stars that stretched above him, the sounds of people, the laughter...it all soaked into him, slowly but surely easing the darkness that had enslaved him since James' death.

The dog paused before a sign post and looked up at it. 'Magnolia Crescent' it read. He moved down the road cautiously, he could have sworn he heard shouting from the street over and then the tiny, distant tingle of uncontrolled magic...he froze on the spot, eyes scanning the street. There was an alley way there and he slipped down it and lay down, head resting on his paws as his ears twitched for any sign of movement.

When the boy sat down on his luggage Sirius felt an almost overpowering sense of joy fill him. It hurt. It was so painful he began to pant and it very nearly forced him from his transformation. Merlin! The boy not only _looked_ the very double of James but he even _smelt_ like him. Sirius' tail was wagging as he stood up, slowly inching closer to the boy. He had to see. He had to know. He had to be able to make sure this was real...that this wasn't just another hallucination of his damaged mind. He had to greet the child, lick his face, hug him, tell him everything would be alright again...because now he could make up for everything! Now he could finally kill the person who had destroyed this boy's future...and perhaps give him a better life by doing so.

Remus climbed onto the train, exhausted. The change the night before had been terrible, agonising as his mind had dwelt on the fury that had been stirred within him at the discovery that Sirius Black was free. He found a compartment and slumped down, covering himself with his cloak he fell asleep almost immediately...and dreamt of James.

And when he woke...there he was! Slumped in his seat in terror of the Dementor at the door. Remus was on his feet in an instant, using that wonderful, giddy joy to bring forth a misty, unformed patronus. It took him a minute to gather his wits and, as he gazed into the face of the Thirteen year old boy, he realised that it wasn't James...it was Harry.

Sirius stood in the shack as it swayed drunkenly around him. He gazed at the familiar scenery, remembering soft morning light, filled with dust and warmth. He gazed at a particular spot on the floor by the bed and he could almost see three boys, lying in a huddle with stupid smiles as they curled up against each other like puppies. He fell to his knees with a bang, he felt cold hands on his shoulders, a soft voice whispering in his ear.

"_Remember? It was always like that on those mornings...we'd wake up slowly, rubbing the sleep from our eyes before making sure Remus was alright...and then we would lie there, for as long as we could. Remember?"_

Sirius looked down at his own shadow. The cold hands tightened painfully...and then faded as he blinked. "I remember." He croaked. "I can't forget." The childish laughter seemed to ring around the room, he could hear James, overly excited about getting to spend the full moon with Remus. He could hear James' laughter, could almost see his ghostly figure as he laughed on the bed before toppling off and onto the dusty floor. He could see Remus smiling reluctantly as he sat on the floor, blanket over his shoulders, he could see his own childhood self bouncing on the ancient bed, making it creak and moan in protest against its brutal treatment. The images were distorted, but he watched them play through as tears slid down his face...he barely even noticed the fact that Peter was now absent from these memories.

Remus gazed out across the beautiful rolling hills that surrounded the castle, he could hear the children laughing far below him and he sighed heavily. It was harder than he had first thought, being back in the castle after so many years, being forced to remember all those innocent moments, all those wonderful, painful memories...he could hardly stand it. But he had to, for Harry's sake and...and because half of him hoped, hoped so desperately that he would see Sirius again. He wasn't sure what he would do if he did see his old lover, he wanted to kill him...to rip him limb from limb and hear his dying screams...he wanted to embrace him, kiss those lips, feel that skin against his once more...he wanted to scream at him...he wanted to whisper love and devotion to him...

"Reminiscing I see..."

Remus turned his head to see Severus stood a little way behind him, holding the tapestry open that hid the secret passage way. He smiled wearily. "Yes, I suppose so." He replied. "How did you find me?"

"I thought that you were..." Snape sneered. "Students."

"Ah, I see." Remus ignored the disdain in the man's voice and pushed himself away from the ledge. "Then, I suppose I had better..." As he passed, he felt a grip on his arm, he looked down at Snape's fingers as they dug into his flesh.

"If you are a danger to this school, to Dumbledore, to..." He paused, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. "...Then I will not hesitate to destroy you, Lupin."

Remus could only smile. "I'm not here to betray or hurt anyone, Severus. I am here to protect Harry."

After a tense moment Severus released him. "I will be keeping a close eye on you." He muttered and swept away, his cloak billowing behind him. Remus stood for a moment remembering one summer beneath a tree by the Lake...a summer he had once again failed to stop his friends from bullying Snape. He sighed, it was too late now, no matter how many times he apologised Severus was determined to hate him, merely for his association with James.

The year drew on, Remus was amazed by Harry. He was almost the polar opposite of James in his personality, until he smiled and then Remus remembered with a sharp jolt that same smile on James' face. He was kind, like Lily...he was innocent, and yet had the ability to attract as much trouble as James. It was more painful than the full moon watching Harry with his friends, watching him laugh and learn...he had an uncanny talent for Defence that Remus took great pride in watching him grow. He taught him how to repel Dementors, avoiding actually showing the form of his own Patronus to the boy...because it would have been too much. He hadn't used it since before James' death. He hadn't needed to; he hadn't wanted to see that giant, scruffy dog leap joyously from his wand...it hurt too much.

Without a wand there wasn't much Sirius could do, but he had stolen a knife from someone. He found his way into the castle one night, choosing a full moon to conduct his activities...because he had been able to smell him. The scent of Remus was everywhere, it clung to the stones as he passed through darkened tunnels, it drifted on the soft currents of air as he walked silently upwards...to the tower...to kill. It was familiar, it was painful and yet it was so heart warming he could almost have forgotten his real purpose for being at the school...

When the ginger boy had woken and stared up at him, he had frozen, knife poised above the rat that screeched in terror and legged it beneath a bed. But he couldn't chase it...he had to leave before...he heard a voice...a voice from the past, but this wasn't the voice inside his head...this was _real_. He gasped in a breath of air and fled.

"_You failed, didn't you?"_

He sat in a little hollow deep in the forbidden forest, knees drawn up to his chest as he gazed at the leaf littered floor. He nodded and closed his eyes, bowing his head. Gentle arms surrounded his shoulders and he felt soft breath stir the hair by his ear...but it could have been the wind.

"_It's alright, Pads, you'll get there...he's just too well protected. He always was a coward, hiding behind us when Filch caught us...Do you remember?"_

"Yeah..." Sirius croaked, smiling slightly as fingers found his hair and he could almost, almost feel them running through the strands, pulling on it...but it was probably the branches of the tree.

"_Revenge...you'll have it. You have to do it, for me...for Lily...for yourself. You understand, right? I won't leave you...you won't have to be alone."_

"Together, forever. Is that a promise?" Sirius muttered, closing his eyes.

"_As much as it was a promise in the first year...remember?"_

Sirius nodded, smiling slightly...

"_What on earth are you doing, Potter?" Sirius asked, kneeling on his bed, his head cocked slightly to the side._

_James grinned, lifting up a pocket knife. "You'll see!" he stood, having been crouched over his trunk and moved to Sirius' bed. When he was sat with his legs crossed, Sirius imitated him. "Give me your hand..." He held his out and grabbed Sirius'. "It'll hurt...but don't scream." Sirius nodded, biting down on his lip. "This is a promise...my dad told me once that long ago, Wizards used to seal bonds in blood." He poked his tongue between his teeth and frowned in concentration as he dug the blade deep into Sirius' palm, Sirius winced but made no sound. "They used the power of magical blood..." he lifted his own hand and cut into his own palm with a hiss. "To seal contracts as well as special protection rituals...and this." He grabbed Sirius' hand tightly in his own bloodied one and they looked at each other over their clasped hands. There was a moment where nothing happened, but then Sirius gasped as he felt an odd, tingling sensation creeping through his body, he shivered...it was not unpleasant. James' eyes shone in the moonlight that streamed down through the window, there was a small flash of light from their clasped hands and James gasped, swearing softly before they released each other. "And now, we're blood brothers." He grinned._

_Sirius looked curiously at his palm, the cut was no longer bleeding but crimson stained his hand. "That was Dark Magic." He said softly, lifting his eyes up to James' again._

_James smiled. "Could be..." _

"_Most of the Old Ways have been classed as Dark though..." Sirius considered his palm for a while. "So...I'm blood brothers with a blood traitor?" _

_James giggled. "So it would seem...it just means that we'll always be together, magically speaking. It won't hurt us...and it won't give us special powers."_

_Sirius finally looked up at James and smiled slowly. "Even after that massive fight we had when we first moved in here?"_

"_Well...that was...different. You were alright on the train, then you got here and after calling that boy a...a..."_

_Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Mudblood? You...hit me for calling him a Mudblood?"_

_James rolled his eyes. "Of course I did, you idiot! At first I thought it was because you were being cruel...but, now I know you better, I know that it's just because you don't know any better!" he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Sirius'. "I'll teach you." He grinned. "I'll teach you to become better than your family, teach you to understand that you can't do or say certain things because it's mean."_

"_Really? You can teach that kind of stuff?" Sirius replied softly._

"_Course I can! We're brothers." He raised his bloodied hand and Sirius took it in his own._

_They grinned at each other at the exact same moment before falling backwards, laughing loudly._

They had never spoken of this pact to Remus or Peter, mainly because they weren't sure if it was illegal or not, but also because it was something that could only have been done between Purebloods, it had to be pure magical blood that intertwined and bound two souls together. Sirius gazed down at his palm, there was no scar anymore...it had faded long ago. But he could still feel that little tingle of James' magic flowing into him through the cut, he could feel his friends blood in his own. It had been so perfect, so wonderful that Sirius had known in that moment that they would be inseparable. He sighed heavily and curled tightly in on himself, far off, in the distance, he heard a howl and shivered, forcing away thoughts of Remus...because he knew that he had to concentrate on finding Peter...finding him and ripping away his life once and for all.

When Remus gazed down at the map he couldn't breathe. His heart hammered in his chest so violently he was worried it would shatter his ribs and leap across the desk. It was impossible. It couldn't be true. He blinked, looking again...there he was; Peter Pettigrew, running through the grounds with Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger and Harry James Potter all in pursuit...and heading straight towards the Whomping Willow. Remus watched in fascinated horror as someone else appeared behind Harry and Hermione...

Sirius Black.

_Innocent._

Pettigrew was alive...

_Innocent._

It was impossible...but the Map never lied.

_Innocent._

Remus' hands shook so violently he couldn't hold the map, it slipped through his fingers as he felt a surge of grief so powerful he had to bite down on his lower lip as it overcame him.

_Innocent._

"No...No...no..." He stood, allowing his chair to fall to the floor with a crash. "No...S-Sirius..." He moved, without thinking. He turned and ran for the door, yanking it open so it slammed into the wall. He ran as fast as he could, heart hammering in his chest as he turned corner after corner, slipping down secret passages without thinking about where he was going.

_Innocent._

The night air hit him as he opened the doors and ran towards the Willow. "Sirius..." He gasped, ignoring the urge to cry. He was consumed by guilt, pain and deep down an insurmountable relief. He hadn't done it...he hadn't betrayed them...he was...

_Innocent._

Sirius stared, unable to believe what he was seeing as Harry and a girl rushed over to their friend.

"Ron...are you okay?"

"Where's the dog?"

"Not a dog," Ron moaned. His teeth were gritted with pain. "Harry, it's a trap..."

"What...?"

"He's the dog... He's an Animagus. " The ginger boy was staring over Harry's shoulder. Harry wheeled around. With a snap, Sirius, who stood in the shadows, closed the door behind them. A mass of filthy, matted hair hung to his elbows. If eyes hadn't been shining out of the deep, dark sockets, he might have been a corpse. The waxy skin was stretched so tightly over the bones of his face, it looked like a skull. His yellow teeth were bared in a grin.

"Expelliarmus!" Sirius croaked, pointing the ginger boy's wand at them. If he had thought that the capture and eventual murder of Pettigrew was to be easy he was sorely mistaken, Harry attacked him with his fists, which should have been humiliating but he realised, as he hit the floor, that he probably deserved the beating. When he found himself gazing up into Lily's eyes in James' face he slowly realised that the boy was going to try and kill him, and he would have laughed at that, except he couldn't die yet...he hadn't killed Peter. He had to live...just long enough to complete the task.

They were interrupted by a figure, the feet on the stairs were heavy and then someone entered and Sirius felt his heart skip a beat in his bony chest, he suddenly couldn't find his voice...Remus stood there, eyes unreadable as he looked at the scene before him.

Remus saw him, lying sprawled at the bottom of the wall with a massive ginger cat sat on his chest like a giant cushion. Harry was pointing his wand at him, breathing hard and seeming to be in middle of an internal war. Remus only had eyes for the man on the floor, he looked horrible, starved, matted hair and worst of all eyes that seemed full of some kind of intolerable suffering...seeing Sirius Black, lying inelegantly on the floor with a cat protecting him from a thirteen year old child would have been hilarious in any other situation, but for now, all Remus could see was his best friend, his lover...the only man who had ever made him feel wanted, needed. After disarming Harry so he didn't do anything rash, he looked back at Sirius. "Where is he Sirius?" He asked, almost breathlessly, he squashed all those feelings that seeing him again brought up. He watched Sirius lift his hand and point at Ron. "But then..." He paused, hating himself for the weakness he felt. "Why hasn't he shown himself until now? Unless..." Remus' eyes looked over Sirius' head, it was easier to concentrate when he wasn't gazing into those deep pools of darkness. "...unless he was the one... Unless you switched...Without telling me?" He watched as Sirius nodded, very slowly. And all of a sudden he could no longer contain himself, all the repressed feelings; guilt, shame, terror and love, overflowed and before he thought about what this would like to outsiders he was leaning down and reaching out to Sirius.

Sirius gazed up at Remus' hand, he felt his chest constrict painfully, gritting his teeth against the urge to throw himself into his arms as he wrapped his wasted fingers around Remus' hand. He was pulled onto his feet and he felt arms surround him, it almost broke him. Remus was...warm. His heart beat against his own, he gripped him tightly, holding back all his whispers, all his pain because there may be time for that later...for now, all he wanted was to hold him. All he wanted to keep him in his arms, he didn't care if the world was collapsing around him, because this was the only reason he was still alive.


	21. Chapter TwentyOne: Freedom

_**For reaching number twenty I have written another chapter and am uploading it! Woo! I hope you enjoy! (This one contains smut! We love smut! :D) (some of the dialogue in this chapter as with the previous one, is not written by me, I ripped it directly from the book (Prisoner of Azkaban) however, no need to worry too much, it's only a few lines here and there.) Enjoy and review, all my love!**_

Chapter Twenty-One: Freedom

Freedom. It was so close he could taste it, it was an exquisite feeling, one he never wanted to leave. He guided Snape, non to kindly, towards the entrance to the Whomping willow, and he suddenly suggested the idea to Harry, the idea that had suddenly come upon him...of course the boy would probably rather live with his Aunt and Uncle, after all, that was all he knew. When Harry agreed Sirius almost fell over with shock, joy overwhelmed him and it hurt, but he found himself grinning like a fool. He would buy his freedom with Pettigrew, he would gain his freedom and live with his Godson...and it would be like living with James...no...it would be better because he would be able to teach Harry all about his father, he would be able to tell him all about the stuff they got up to at school and he would be able to tell him how brave and wonderful he was...

But it wasn't meant to be. Peter escaped, Sirius was forced to distract the Werewolf from Harry and his friends, he chased him down, injuring himself only to stumble upon the lake and find himself in serious trouble as Dementors swooped in on him...

He coward with arms over his head, the familiar darkness swamped him until all he could hear were screams of fury and hatred...

_You're pathetic! You poor excuse for a Wizard! You have no talent and you are a disgrace! _

_Look at you! You're covered in mud! Come here..._

_Filthy, useless scum! How dare you set foot in this house with that arrogant attitude! I'll beat it out of you!_

_N-No! Please...stop! It's not my fault! I didn't mean to..._

_Stop! It hurts! Please..._

_Help!_

_Help me..._

When he woke he was lying on cold stone gazing up at a ceiling. Slowly, Sirius sat up with a small groan...had it all been a dream? He blinked sluggishly and found himself looking at a tiny office, he climbed unsteadily to his feet, wondering what happened as he moved to a small window. He gazed out at familiar landscape...

"_Trapped again, Siri."_

He didn't need to turn around to know who spoke. He could never be sure why he saw James like this, he was haunted by a memory...a memory he couldn't let go of.

"_Well, you tried I suppose...and just when freedom was so, so close..."_

Sirius pressed his forehead against the cool window pane, he closed his eyes, feeling the cool breeze on his face. "They won't send me back to Azkaban...will they?" He croaked.

"_No...they won't."_

"You can be terribly unhelpful at times, you twat." Sirius murmured with a hopeless half smile. "At least...at least I got to clear my name with your son. At least he'll know that I...I was innocent...at least partly."

"_You could say that, but I'd reckon that he's going to regret not being able to take you up on your offer..."_

Sirius chuckled, a dead sound that filled the small room like a pathetic whimper. Slowly he slipped to his knees and put both arms against the cold stone wall, resting his head against it and squeezing his eyes shut tightly. He was shaking in terror. "Merlin...I-I can't...I c-can't...t-they'll...do it...James...They'll suck out my soul...I-I'm scared..." Ghostly arms surrounded him and he wished with all his might that he could die, that he could join James properly...that he didn't have to rely on shattered memories and uncontrollable emotions. "I want to die! Why won't they let me die?" he felt his body shaking violently and he stifled a desperate sob. "Please...please...Kill me! I d-don't want...I-I don't want to live l-like that..."

"_Sirius...remember me. Don't forget me...we'll always be together...I promised."_

The arms tightened briefly before there was a creak, Sirius half opened his eyes as he felt the displaced air of the door opening. He didn't turn around but fear tightened its icy claws on his stomach, clawing at it so he had to clench his teeth so tightly his jaw ached.

"Sirius Black..."

Dementors couldn't speak. Sirius turned very slowly, blinking slightly as he found himself face to face with Dumbledore. "A-Albus..." he gasped, falling forward onto all fours, bowing his head. "Please! Please! I'm begging you...don't let them do it! I-I don't...I don't want to end up like that! L-Let m-me explain..."

"Explain? What is there to explain?" Dumbledore's voice was calm, yet hard and Sirius slowly looked up at him, silver eyes full of despair.

"I didn't do it!" He whispered in a low, shaky voice. "I swear to you, I didn't betray James and Lily! It was Peter! It was all Peter! H-He's an animagus...a-a rat! A-and he ran away...he escaped and now I'm doomed! Please...Please...he's escaped...and there's no escape for me...I'm so sorry! I failed! I failed to kill him! I-I..."

"Sirius, calm yourself." Dumbledore sat down on a stone bench and gazed thoughtfully at the broken man. He had been completely ruined by Azkaban, yet his eyes, his eyes showed little sign of complete insanity, and Dumbledore had to admit that it would take someone with at least most of their sanity intact to fool him and get into Hogwarts, right under his nose. "Now, I wish for you to explain what Harry, Hermione and Ronald were doing with you in the shack this evening."

Sirius licked his lips, slumping against the wall, he took a slow deep breath before speaking. "Well...I suppose I'd better explain something..." He looked up at Dumbledore and his form changed, he melted and became a dog.

"I see...well, that would explain rather a lot." Dumbledore said, slightly shocked at the discovery as Sirius returned to human form.

"James, Peter and I...we learned how in our fifth year." Sirius said softly, a half smile on his face. Dumbledore's eyebrows went up.

"You were fifteen when you became Illegal Animagus?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, we did it to help Remus..." He explained briefly about their escapades as teenagers before explaining about seeing the picture of Peter in the newspaper and realising he was alive, he explained how he had escaped and Dumbledore was silent throughout the whole thing. Finally Sirius went on to explain about what happened in the shack, his hands shaking as he pushed hair from his haunted eyes. When he had finished his voice had gone croaky, he hadn't spoken so much in a long time and it was hard.

"I see..." Dumbledore began slowly.

"Y-You...believe me?" Sirius asked nervously. "Please...believe me...I would never have...I would never have betrayed James!"

Dumbledore gazed at the boy, for boy he was...at least in his mind. He had never been able to grow up properly, his mental development stunted by his years in Azkaban. Slowly he nodded. "Yes, Sirius, I believe you."

The relief that swept over him was almost painful and tears fell down his cheeks. "Thank you...Thank you..." He covered his face with his hands. "I'm sorry..." He said in a soft whisper.

"Not at all, dear boy, I must go...I will do everything I can to prevent this...but even my influence may not be enough." He stood and saw Sirius nod quickly, wiping his eyes on his torn robes, smearing blood from his injuries all over his face. He watched Dumbledore leave and lock the door behind him, he sighed heavily, running dirty fingers through even dirtier hair.

"_You look terrible."_

Sirius looked up and saw James sitting in a chair, as clearly as if he was when he was still alive. Sirius stood shakily, moving towards the figure, he looked down at his friend and reached out...fingers brushing his image and he felt nothing...just air.

"_I'm only in your head, Sirius...you know that."_

James smiled slowly and then...he was gone. Sirius fell into the chair, bowing his head and stifling his tears. He closed his eyes tightly and awaited judgement...judgement he knew would involve a fate worse than death.

He had no idea how much time passed but suddenly he heard a loud, sharp tap on the window and he turned his head gazing up at the image of James no...Harry..._flying_. His mouth dropped open and he stood, hurrying to the window and trying to open it, he couldn't.

"Stand back!" the girl with the bushy hair said, lifting her wand, he did as instructed and heard her mutter; "Alohomora!"

The window sprang open. "How...how...?" He muttered weakly, gazing at the Hippogriff as if he'd never seen one before.

"Get on, there's not much time." Harry said firmly, holding the Hippogriff steady. "You've got to get out of here...the dementors are coming...Macnair's gone to get them."

Sirius managed to scramble out of the window, climbing aboard the Hippogriff and flying upwards. They flew high above the castle, Sirius closed his eyes feeling the wind in his hair and on his face and once again tasted freedom! After a little while it was over and Buckbeak landed upon the battlements of the West Tower. Harry and Hermione slid off of the creature and looked up at Sirius who gazed at them as if they were some kind of interesting curiosity.

"Sirius, you'd better go, quick," Harry panted. "They'll reach Flitwick's office any moment, they'll find out you're gone."

"What happened to the other boy? Ron?" Sirius asked, his voice croaky.

"He's going to be okay. He's still out of it, but Madam Pomfrey says she'll be able to make him better. Quick...Go!" Harry said.

But Sirius still couldn't take his eyes off of Harry, the boy was...amazing. Thirteen years old and willing to rescue a convict, a man who had gone to prison for murder, Sirius felt a rush of intense gratitude. "How can I ever thank..." Sirius began.

"GO!" Harry and Hermione shouted in unison.

Sirius smiled slightly, wheeling the giant creature around and muttering into the wind; "We'll see each other again, you are...truly your father's son, Harry..." And he was off, soaring into the night sky, with an intense rush of satisfaction and a smirk on his face. Sirius Black, ex-con, had yet again escaped the Ministry! He laughed as he flew high over the mountains of the Scottish highlands, feeling the cold wind in his hair and the wonderful rush of freedom!

He flew higher and higher, eyes closed, head thrown back and arms out to his sides. He laughed into the wind, a challenge. It was a bright sound, filled with joy and many other inexpressible emotions. The scenery glided beneath him, he gazed down at it as the sun rose above the hills, huge lochs, forests, tiny little houses with smoke rising from chimneys...great expanses of green. He smiled, gazing down at rippling water, tinted pink in the rising sun. Sirius Black was finally free and he was filled with a bubbling happiness, not unlike the feeling he felt around Remus. Harry believed him, Remus believed and so did Dumbledore! He had people on his side, people who knew the truth and he no longer had to suffer in silence...he was no longer alone in his darkness, alone and filled with despair. He had a reason for living, he could go anywhere, do _anything_! The possibilities were endless!

Remus woke with heavy groan, he rolled over realising he was lying on the forest floor. He shook his head in a slightly dog-like manner, reminiscent of Sirius. He blinked slowly trying to get his bearings, trying to remember what had happened and why he was lying in the Forbidden forest and not curled up on the floor of his locked and bolted office...then he remembered and he felt guilt and self-hatred overcome him. He rolled over onto his back, covering his eyes, hiding them from the sun. Sirius was probably dead...or worse...and it was all his fault! He had forgotten to take his potion...he had put everyone at risk and he had more than likely either murdered a lot of innocent people or...He shook his head, unable to even consider the other possibility. He scrubbed his hands over his face, slightly relieved to feel no blood there...slowly he risked sitting up, gazing around the forest. He could see the soft, pink tinged light as it streamed through the canopy of trees and highlighted the ground in random patches, leaving others in patches of shadows. He moved, feeling the leaf mulch beneath his naked form as he struggled to his feet, with a slight gasp he stumbled and grabbed a tree as dizziness overcame him. He hung his head breathing hard through his nose before slowly opening his eyes again. He blinked slowly as he saw a figure walking towards him, long silver-grey robes sweeping across the floor, leaving a trail of disturbed leaves. He blinked again, falling to his knees with a groan, he felt terrible and probably looked worse for it.

"Ah, Remus...I see you have started to recover." Dumbledore smiled down at him calmly, his long silver beard falling to his waist. "Now then..." He conjured a blanket and threw it over the trembling werewolf. But Remus said nothing, simply sat there, shaking from head to foot with his head bowed. "Is there something wrong? Did you injure yourself?"

Remus swallowed, shaking his head and suddenly it all spilled out...all his guilt, all his hidden secrets. "I'm sorry!" He gasped, voice cracking. "Y-You trusted me! You...you let me return and I...I disobeyed that trust! I...I'm sorry! Sirius he..."

"Is innocent." Dumbledore smiled when Remus' head shot up and his eyes widened like a startled deer. Dumbledore noted that the man looked ten years younger as a shaft of new sunlight fell down to highlight his face, brightening his cheeks. He had locks of hair falling into big brown eyes, the scars seemed to fade into the light and all his premature wrinkles smoothed out. "I discovered the truth, however..." Dumbledore explained briefly what had occurred, what he had asked Harry and Hermione to do and by the end Remus' face morphed from incredulous to grief stricken.

"I-I..." He began. "It's my fault! It's all my fault that Peter escaped!"

"Now, now...calm down. What is done is done, we all make silly mistakes, dear boy...but have no fear, Sirius has escaped the clutches of the Dementors and is now somewhere far away if he has any sense what so ever." His smile was kindly as he moved the blanket to sit properly on the werewolf's shoulders. "Unfortunately, Severus... 'let slip' that you were a werewolf."

Remus swallowed hard, a small frown creasing his brow. "And...and what of Harry?"

"Harry is as well as could be, excited, I am sure, about what he has managed to achieve."

"A brilliant Wizard..." Remus muttered.

"Indeed, an extraordinary child in many respects. He has his father's bravery and his mother's kindness...now then, let us return you to the castle."

Remus sat in his house, the fire crackling merrily in the hearth, he had managed to put down a good deposit by saving up his wages as a teacher so he could afford a place to live. It was an old little cottage, in a tiny hamlet with a good, solid cellar he could hide in when he changed. Dumbledore had managed to help him find it and he had yet another reason to be grateful to the great man. It had been a month since Sirius had escaped, and he had not heard a word from him. He sighed, sinking deeper into his chair, sipping his tea as he gazed into the flames. Suddenly a few sharp knocks on his door made him jump slightly and he frowned, who would be calling this late at night? He stood, putting his cup onto the table. He moved to his door, placing a hand inside his robes touching his wand gently, he could never be too careful. With his free hand he reached for the door knob...and opened it.

"Hey, baby. Long time no see."

Remus' jaw dropped. He felt as if he had been thrown brutally back into time, stood, leaning casually against the door frame, one arm above his head as he grinned lazily at him was Sirius Black. "Merlin..." Remus breathed, Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"No, just Sirius...although I could get used to calling me that."

Remus looked him up and down slowly, trying to take it in. He looked...amazing. His hair had been cut to just below his shoulders, he now wore it tied back in a tail. His robes were slightly worn but in reasonable condition and his face had filled out remarkably well, his teeth, once yellow, were now as white as they had been before his imprisonment. "Merlin..." Remus said again, making Sirius throw his head back in laughter.

"You are hilarious." He raised an elegant eyebrow. "I'm going to assume you're going to invite me in at some point...because I'm kind of the most wanted man in Wizarding Britain and standing outside on doorsteps is not good."

Remus blinked, shook his head and stepped aside, his eyes scanning the street carefully before he closed the door. Sirius looked around with mild curiosity, candles burned in holders dotted all over the place, giving a lovely homely feel. Books had been stacked precariously in the hall way, so it was like navigating a maze through the stacks, Sirius smiled, this was a very Remus-like thing to do. Finally they found their way into the cosy living room and Sirius shed his cloak, throwing it on the back of a chair, he ran fingers through his hair and looked around at the walls. "S-Sirius..." Remus muttered, finally finding his voice as he watched his friend throw himself casually into a comfy seat and recline as if he owned the place, a small, satisfied smile on his face as he looked at Remus. "What in Merlin's name are you doing here?" He gasped.

"I came for a visit, Moons." He said flashing those pointed, white teeth.

"I noticed." Remus replied dryly. "You look..."

"Amazing? Fantastic? So devastatingly handsome you are unable to control your weakening knees?" He grinned wickedly.

Remus couldn't help himself, he laughed softly, hands planted on the back of the opposite chair. "To what do I owe the pleasure of Mr. Padfoot's visit?" He said finally, returning the smile.

"I wanted to see you." Sirius' face fell and he looked serious.

"Tea?" Remus asked, trying to avoid his intense gaze.

Sirius sighed. "Yeah, alright." He watched him walk away, Sirius sat still for a few moments, steeling his courage, with a deep breath he cursed himself for not being Gryffindor enough before climbing to his feet and followed the sounds of Remus making tea. He found him in a Kitchen with a large Aga that took up half the wall, he leaned heavily on the door frame and watched Remus being domestic. "You know, you're really turning me on right now." He whispered softly.

Remus made a bizarre jerky movement and spun around, eyes wide. "Sirius...!" He muttered, scandalised. Sirius' smirk was pure evil as he moved forward slowly, eyes glittering like quick silver. "L-Look...We..."

"Don't tell me no." Sirius replied softly, cutting off Remus' protests with his thumb on his lips. He saw a sudden flash of anger in Remus' eyes that turned them amber, he knocked away Sirius' hand, grabbing his wrist.

"No!" Remus said firmly. "We're not children anymore!"

Sirius shrugged, "So?"

"So...w-we can't! Y-You..." Remus bit down on his bottom lip, scanning Sirius' earnest face...and then he couldn't hold it back anymore. "You left me!" He shouted suddenly, fury making his face heat. "You fucking left me! I-I was always, _always_ waiting for you! I waited for you to come home for _days_! You...YOU NEVER CAME HOME TO ME!" He screamed the last, a sudden, violent burst of magic shot from him Sirius' eyes widened as he was forced backwards, waving his arms to keep his balance. Remus continued, pacing slightly in the small kitchen, his voice cracking as he fought tears. "I waited for you...for days...all alone in that flat! I can't believe you would even think I'd take you back after that! You...you...useless, stupid...idiotic...COWARD!" He stood still, hands clenched into fists at his sides and breathing hard.

Sirius saw the wolf in that gaze and hung his head. "Remus..."

"No! I'm not listening to your excuses! I loved you Sirius Black! I loved you so fucking much it nearly destroyed me! Do you know how long it took me to get over that? _Twelve years_! For twelve fucking years I had to cope with memories of you! Don't you dare tell me how sorry you are, it's _lies_! All of it! You left me!"

"I..." Sirius took a tentative step closer, reaching out a hand before withdrawing it and chewing his lip nervously. "I'm sorry..."

"Oh! Cheers, that makes all the agony you caused me a million times better! It makes the fact that I had to watch as you slowly killed yourself with drugs, shagged other people while I was IN THE NEXT FUCKING ROOM...all go away! Thanks a lot." He turned his back, unable to look into those puppy dog eyes, Sirius looked genuinely sorry and Remus hated him for it. He leaned on his hands on the kitchen table, breathing hard as if he had run marathon.

"No...no this isn't how you said it would _go_!"

Remus half turned and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Sirius jumped slightly, he had been looking at an empty chair in the corner. Remus watched his eyes dart to it again, his fingers fidgeting with the sleeve of his robes nervously. "Nothing...it was...nothing." Remus sighed. "Look..." Sirius stepped closer. "I...I need to explain something...something I never got to explain before and I..." His eyes moved to the corner again, Remus followed his gaze but couldn't see anything. "I want..." Sirius reached for him, Remus stood still while gentle fingers traced his jaw. "I want us...I want...what I threw away last time."

Remus closed his eyes, trying to push away the longing. "No." He whispered, taking Sirius' fingers in his own. "I can't...I can't do it again. I'm sorry."

Agony flashed across Sirius' face but he schooled his expression like a master and hid his pain, he smiled weakly. "I...I understand. And...it's me that should be sorry."

Remus smiled. "We both have reasons to be sorry, old friend."

Sirius merely nodded, afraid that if he spoke he would end up crying. "W-well...I...er...better go...I guess..." He said after a long, tense pause. He turned around and felt a tug on his sleeve, he felt Remus' weight on him as he pressed his forehead into his back and took a shaky breath.

"I...I've always loved you." He muttered. "But it was...too painful. It nearly destroyed me...us...We can't continue like nothing happened. There are too many years, too much heartache...Sirius...I'm sorry."

Sirius hung his head dejectedly. "Yeah...so am I." He breathed.

"You don't...you don't have to go." Remus slowly ran his hand up Sirius' side, his eyes half closed as he gazed down at his feet. "I'll never stop being your friend."

Sirius shivered under the touch, his breath catching in his throat. "Merlin...you know how to make this fucking difficult, Moony."

Remus closed his eyes with a sigh. "I know."

"It was...never supposed to be...easy...was it?" Sirius muttered quietly, taking Remus' hand in his own and turning around, he lifted Remus' face to his and they gazed into each other's eyes. Slowly he leaned forward, his lips brushing Remus'.

"Sirius..." Remus whispered, letting his eyes fall closed as he felt those all too familiar lips meet his, cutting off any weak protests.

Sirius let his own eyes fall shut, he moved his lips against Remus's, gently sliding his tongue between them and exploring his mouth. It was familiar, it was wonderful and it was...home. He wrapped his arms around Remus, dragging him closer, deepening the kiss and making the werewolf moan heavily as his arms wrapped themselves around Sirius' neck. Sirius slid his hand up Remus's back and into his hair, holding him in place as he pushed him back into the table, he stuck one arm out to steady them as their breath began to come heavily. Sirius drew away long enough to mutter; "Fuck...I missed you...so goddamned much..."

"Sirius..."

Sirius cut him off again, allowing his tongue to gently taste every inch of Remus' mouth, they groaned in unison. It was slow, slow and bone shiveringly good. Remus grabbed a handful of Sirius' thick black hair and let himself fall...

Sirius removed Remu's shirt, bending his head and nipping gently at his throat as he tipped his head back with one hand. The other worked on Remus' trousers, unzipping them and pulling them down with Remus' help. His own clothes took a bit of navigating but finally he was naked as he grabbed Remus, lifting him up and throwing him onto the table, which wobbled but held as he pressed himself into Remus who hissed sharply, throwing his head back as that burning pain assaulted his senses. Sirius took a shuddery breath, leaning in and kissing Remus gently, tenderly... "Shh..." He whispered, "It's alright..." Remus could only nod as Sirius reclaimed his mouth.

The glide of skin on skin, the heat, the feel of wet tongues tangling...It filled them with exquisite joy. Sirius lifted Remus's hips, sliding inside him and uttering a tiny exclamation of pleasure as he began moving slowly, each stroke of his hips making Remus arch into him with a strangled cry. "Oh...fuck!" Remus cried, throwing his head back as it hit the table, his fingers gripped Sirius' shoulders tightly. "Siri...Sirius...More..."

Sirius obliged, moving faster, the table beneath them creaked as he lifted Remus up and kissed him slowly, his hands gripping his hair. The kitchen was filled with their gasps, the sound of soft, sloppy kisses and wet skin as they moved in tandem. "Remus..." Sirius whispered, watching Remus pant heavily beneath him, his eyes black with desire, his hands grabbing, tugging and sliding against his back. "Remus...I..." His words slipped out in a heavy groan, his eyes slipped closed as he thrust deeper, Remus cried out loudly, before his cries were swallowed by Sirius again and he felt that heat, that delicious warmth that spread slowly through his body like lava only to settle in his stomach...his toes curled, his back arched right off the table as he came with Sirius' name on his lips. Sirius felt him tighten around him, he fell forward, hands slamming into the table, his face buried into Remus' damp hair as he felt his orgasm hit him with the force of a train. "_Remus_!" He gasped as white obscured his vision.

Finally, as Sirius blinked away the remnants of his orgasm, he pulled away to gaze down at his lover. Remus lay there, panting heavily, sweat sticking his hair to his forehead, his eyes dark and his cheeks flushed. Sirius reached up and with shaking fingers brushed the hair from hsi eyes before leaning down and kissing him slowly, deeply...Remus shivered, feeling his skin prickle as his fingers tangled in that thick hair, pulling it from its pony tail. "Sirius..." Remus muttered softly as he pulled away. "I love you..."

Sirius smiled, a warmth in his eyes that Remus was slightly surprised to see. "I know." He muttered.

Remus couldn't help himself, he laughed. The laughter was bright, and wonderful! It echoed around the small kitchen and made Sirius join him, they laughed until they were nearly crying. They could have been the children they had been years ago, they could have been sat beneath that tree with James at their side, filled with innocence and arrogance and that insatiable Maruaderly spirit that had bound them all together.

**END NOTE: I was just going to throw this out there but, in the previous chapter I mentioned a scene where Sirius and James became blood brothers...Now, I am not normally a fan of James/Sirius fics, but I have read some really good ones and written one myself, it's an interesting pairing with a lot left to be explored, what would you say to me developing the idea in the chapter into a story? Would you read it? Let me know! :D**


	22. Chapter TwentyTwo: The Second Wizarding

_**A/N: Ok, so, the end of this chapter is mostly extracted from the book, but it is too important to leave out, I have tried to add bits of my own to it and I am sorry to JK Rowling for stealing it, but I did change it slightly, so it's from Sirius' POV. Anyways, thank you all so much for your kind reviews, I love them! You make me so happy! Thank you.**_

Chapter Twenty-Two: The Second Wizarding War

For the next few days Remus and Sirius lived in a day dream, they spent the day time cuddled up before the fire, Remus would read while Sirius buried his face into his neck and made him squirm and giggle where his breathing tickled his neck. At night they shared Remus' single bed, cuddled so close Sirius was unsure where he began and Remus ended. They touched, whispering softly to each other in the darkness, the moonlight shining in through the net curtains and highlighting their sweaty bodies. Sirius couldn't think of anywhere he would rather be other than in Remus' arms, he was so filled with joy he almost forgot that he was supposed to be on the run from the Ministry.

One evening Sirius lay curled up by Remus, his hair splayed across his chest while he traced random patterns across the scarred skin. Remus wiggled, giggling and Sirius looked up at him, smiling devilishly. He ran his fingers lightly down Remus' sides and heard him stifle a snort of laughter, he lifted himself up and pinned Remus beneath him, tickling him viciously, his hands finding every sensitive spot he could find until Remus was in hysterics, desperately trying to stop Sirius from tickling him. Tears blurred his vision as he tried to grab his hands and missed every time, he tried to speak but ended up just laughing even louder. It was torture; he bucked and wriggled, trying anything and everything to get Sirius off of him...but to no avail.

The bed began to creak ominously, but the two were far too caught up in their activities which were rapidly becoming heated, Sirius running his tongue across exposed skin, his hands still tickling so Remus would make an odd noise, somewhere between a moan of pleasure and a laugh then...

BANG!

The bed collapsed throwing its occupants sprawling to the floor. Sirius blinked in shock as he found himself beneath his mate, gazing up into amber eyes as Remus smiled slowly. It wasn't long before they both burst into hysterics, laughing so hard their sides hurt. Once they had both calmed down they lay still, panting heavily, Remus buried his face into Sirius' hair breathing in his intoxicating scent with a huge smile on his face. "You broke my bed, git." He muttered against Sirius' neck.

Sirius chuckled. "Oh...don't make me laugh anymore...It hurts..." he sighed and closed his eyes. "Mmm...Want this to last forever..." He whispered, arching his back as Remus' hands slid down his chest. "This is..."

"Like a dream." Remus replied, smiling. "You make me act like a child."

Sirius grinned. "Sorry."

"No...it's alright. I'm actually...happy." Remus leaned down, wrapping his arms around Sirius' neck and kissing him for a long time, when they parted he laughed and pressed his forehead to Sirius'. "This is perfection."

"It is, my good moony...except it's missing one thing..." Sirius looked put out.

"What?" Remus gazed at him through his hair.

"Ice cream." Sirius grinned.

"Idiot Padfoot! Is your stomach all you can think about?" Remus laughed.

"No...I am also thinking some decidedly naughty thoughts...thoughts that perhaps I should be punished for, Professor." His smirk was evil.

"Ugh...no. Don't call me that, makes me think of Harry and in this situation it's a really big turn off."

Sirius laughed, Remus joined him.

Finally Sirius found himself gazing out at the sky, summer was moving on rapidly and he let out a slow sigh. He didn't want to go, he hated leaving but he had to...he was already putting Remus at huge risk for staying as long as he had, and if people didn't spot the fact that a great big snowy owl kept arriving with letters addressed to someone who wasn't supposed to be there then...

He shivered.

"Sirius?" Remus entered the living room, seeing Hedwig sitting on a stack of books and hooting at them. "Oh...hello Hedwig." He turned to see his lover stood at the window looking melancholy and he knew what Sirius was thinking, he put down the tray of tea and biscuits he was holding and moved over to him, putting his arms around his neck. "You don't have to go..." He whispered, burying his face into the back of Sirius' robes. "Please...don't go." He felt Sirius' hands on his own as he turned around, lifting Remus to his lips and kissing him deeply. They moaned softly, drawing each other closer.

When Sirius pulled away he looked sad and Remus could see the stain of Azkaban in his silvery eyes, it sent shudders through him. "I don't want to go...I don't...but...I have to. You know I do." He pressed his forehead against Remus' and sighed heavily. "It's been like...like living someone else's life...and...and It's been amazing."

"I can't let you leave me again!" Remus gasped, feeling pain twist his insides.

"I have to." Sirius replied, running his thumb across Remus' cheek. "I have to go...and soon. Because they'll work it out...everyone knows we were friends at school. It won't be long before they come here and search for me and...and if they find me..." He trailed off, not having to finish as Remus closed his eyes tightly.

"I hate this." He muttered, pressing his head into Sirius' chest and listening to his heartbeat. "I hate it...it's so wrong that you have to be on the run...that you have to keep evading the Ministry when they should be after Pettigrew..." He spat the name as if it was poison and Sirius chuckled.

"If it wasn't for you, Remus, I wouldn't even be alive. I would have died in that Hell...but you...you kept me alive. I was alive because _you_ were alive..."

Remus looked into his eyes and only saw the truth. "All this time...?"

Sirius smiled gently. "All this time...I never stopped...Remus I have something to tell you." He swallowed, frowning slightly. "Remus, I lo-..."

There was a knock at the door and their eyes went wide, they broke apart and Sirius took one last, longing look at Remus before removing a stolen wand from his pocket and spinning. Remus watched him disappear and felt his chest ache painfully, he stumbled slightly and caught himself on a chair, his hand covered his mouth as he gasped in a few shaking breaths as he realised just what Sirius had been about to tell him. "No! No!" he closed his eyes fighting the anger at whoever was at the door, the anger at whoever dared interrupt Sirius. Once he had gained some control he steadied himself, putting away his emotions and hiding them behind his cool, calm exterior. He went and opened the door, a figure stood there wearing a cloak, he realised it was Dumbledore and he cursed him inwardly for not warning them he was coming...because now, now Sirius had left for no reason.

Time passed and Sirius travelled, he left the country for a little while but soon returned when he received a few rather distressing letters from both Harry and Dumbledore. Someone was trying to get Harry killed at the newly reinstated Tri-Wizard tournament. He realised he almost wished he was back at school, he would have liked to have entered the Tournament because it was dangerous and he could have had a bit of fun. Instead, he contented himself by helping Harry with his tasks. It was stupidly dangerous for him to be so close to Hogwarts, but he hid himself well and they never discovered his Animagus form. He received almost daily letters from Remus who was unable to come see him as it would have been risking too much. He spent time nicking parchment from people's pockets, getting Harry to send it with food along with some ink. He wrote using one of Beaky's feathers. His letters were heated, passionate and he tried to express everything he had ever felt for Remus through his words, but he didn't think he was too successful.

When the last Trial for the Tournament arrived he received a visit from Dumbledore, he looked older, wearier than Sirius had ever seen him, yet his voice was calm and strong as ever.

"Sirius, the last task will be taking place tonight, I think it would be wise that you left this cave as Ministry members will be in attendance."

Sirius frowned. "No." He said firmly, setting his jaw in stubbornness. "I won't leave Harry."

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Very well then, transform into a dog and wait in Hagrid's Cabin, I will send for you if something happens." He turned but Sirius stopped him from leaving.

"You...you think it'll happen tonight, don't you?" He whispered, his voice harsh in his throat.

"I believe something will happen, yes. Whether he will return tonight or not is another question...we can only wait."

And so Sirius waited. He curled up beside Fang who insisted he share his dog basket with him, it was a tight squeeze but Sirius fit well enough and he was warm and cosy as he listened to the sounds coming from the maze. All he could hear was cheering and shouting, nothing important, but he waited in tense silence, allowing Fang to nuzzle at his ears and snuffle his fur affectionately. The hours passed slowly until he was nearly falling asleep when the sounds changed. The noises turned to screams, the scent of fear reached both animals noses and Sirius' eyes opened slowly and he rose to his feet whining as he moved to the door. He began scratching at it, pawing desperately in the hopes that someone would come and tell him what was happening. Fang joined him and together they paced, howled and whined into the night, making enough noise to cover the sounds from the Quidditch pitch.

After a long time, too long in Sirius' opinion, the door opened to reveal McGonagall. Her sharp eyes landed on the hulking dog, making her shiver slightly. "You are to come to the Headmasters office."

Sirius leapt up, bouncing after the strict woman as she led him through the dark grounds, he sniffed the wind and paused momentarily as he felt a tremor in the air, a subtle change in the way the trees blew and the sounds of grief and wailing of distress had little to do with the change. It was in that moment that Sirius knew..._Voldemort had returned_.

He was left alone in Dumbledore's office to wait yet again, he transformed back into human shape and began pacing, unable to hold still as he worried and fretted, he tried to distract himself from all the potentially horrendous things that could have happened when the door opened revealing Dumbledore and Harry.

Harry's story so horrible Sirius felt pain in his chest as he imagined what the boy had gone through, it brought back memories of his first encounter with the Dark Lord, and he gripped Harry's shoulder tightly throughout the whole thing. He tried to send silent comfort to the boy, who suddenly seemed so small, so scared and so young that he had to literally bite his tongue to prevent himself from interrupting Dumbledore and embracing Harry. When the conversation turned to Priori Incantatem and Dumbledore mentioned a figure of Diggory emerging from Voldemorts wand something leapt inside Sirius' chest, he couldn't stop himself from asking, even if he knew it was futile; "Diggory came back to life?" Of course he didn't...no one could return from the dead. He felt stupid for asking it, he felt even stupider for allowing that brief flash of hope when he thought of James, but they continued to talk softly.

"An echo," said Dumbledore, "which retained Cedric's appearance and character. I am guessing other such forms appeared... Less recent victims of Voldemort's wand..."

"An old man," Harry said, his voice sounding shaky and rough, he shook beneath Sirius' fingers. "Bertha Jorkins. And..."

"Your parents?" said Dumbledore quietly.

"Yes," said Harry. Sirius's grip on Harry's shoulder was now so tight his knuckles were white, he couldn't help it...he could almost imagine it. James...What would he do if he saw him again? The thoughts were agonising and he had difficulty concentrating on the rest of the conversation. As Harry continued with his story, explaining how Lily had told him what to do, how they had gathered around Voldemort...Sirius released him, burying his face in his hands and tried desperately to fight off the grief as it ripped at his soul. He took a few steadying breaths, trying to still his heart.

"I will say it again," said Dumbledore as the phoenix rose into the air and resettled itself upon the perch beside the door. "You have shown bravery beyond anything I could have expected of you tonight. Harry. You have shown bravery equal to those who died fighting Voldemort at the height of his powers. You have shouldered a grown wizard's burden and found yourself equal to it...and you have now given us all we have a right to expect. You will come with me to the hospital wing. I do not want you returning to the dormitory tonight. A Sleeping Potion, and some peace... Sirius, would you like to stay with him?"

Sirius nodded and stood up. He transformed back into the great black dog and walked with Harry and Dumbledore out of the office, accompanying them down a flight of stairs to the hospital wing. When Dumbledore pushed open the door. As he followed them down to Hospital Wing he realised that he had never agreed more with anything Dumbledore had said before, Harry was his Father all over again...and the pain that thought brought was only slightly dulled by the basic emotions of a Dog.

Sirius watched Harry sleep from where he was curled up in a chair, he looked peaceful, his chest rising and falling gently as the Weasley's and Hermione spoke softly about mundane things. He huffed slightly, a small whinging noise escaping him and he felt a hand in his fur, his eyes moved to see Hermione, pale but determined. He licked her hand affectionately before returning his eyes to the sleeping boy. He remembered being fourteen years old, sitting on the warm grass, laughing and playing pranks on his fellow students...there was something very wrong about seeing Harry lying there, beaten and bruised, tortured and cut...he was _fourteen_ for crying out loud! No fourteen year old should ever have to go through that.

Suddenly the silence was disturbed by shouts, everyone turned in their seats to gaze at the people storming into the Hospital Wing, McGonagall was furious, as was Fudge. They argued, only pausing when Dumbledore entered, his power radiating in the room and making all the hair on Sirius' body stand on end. The argument continued, Sirius growling at the Minister as he insinuated that Harry had lost his marbles. As Dumbledore tried to convince the Minister to take the steps needed to ensure that Voldemort did not Sirius listened intently to the speech;

"You are blinded," said Dumbledore, his voice rising now, the aura of power around him palpable, his eyes blazing once more, "by the love of the office you hold, Cornelius! You place too much importance, and you always have done, on the so-called purity of blood! You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be! Your dementor has just destroyed the last remaining member of a pure-blood family as old as any...and see what that man chose to make of his life! I tell you now take the steps I have suggested, and you will be remembered, in office or out, as one of the bravest and greatest Ministers of Magic we have ever known. Fail to act...and history will remember you as the man who stepped aside and allowed Voldemort a second chance to destroy the world we have tried to rebuild!"

Sirius felt something stir, he remembered his mother...his father...his brother and he knew what fools they had all been.

The moment the minister had disappeared Sirius knew, the Order of the Phoenix would be recalled, Dumbledore turned to look at the group around Harry's bed. "There is work to be done," he said. "Molly... Am I right in thinking that I can count on you and Arthur?"

"Of course you can," said Mrs. Weasley. She was white to the lips, but she looked resolute. "We know what Fudge is. It's Arthur's fondness for Muggles that has held him back at the Ministry all these years. Fudge thinks he lacks proper wizarding pride."

"Then I need to send a message to Arthur," said Dumbledore. "All those that we can persuade of the truth must be notified immediately, and he is well placed to contact those at the Ministry who are not as short sighted as Cornelius."

"I'll go to Dad," said Bill, standing up. "I'll go now."

"Excellent," said Dumbledore. "Tell him what has happened. Tell him I will be in direct contact with him shortly. He will need to be discreet, however. If Fudge thinks I am interfering at the Ministry..."

"Leave it to me," said Bill. He clapped a hand on Harry's shoulder, kissed his mother on the cheek, pulled on his cloak, and strode quickly from the room.

"Minerva," said Dumbledore, turning to Professor McGonagall, "I want to see Hagrid in my office as soon as possible. Also...if she will consent to come-Madame Maxime." Professor McGonagall nodded and left without a word. "Poppy," Dumbledore said to Madam Pomfrey, "would you be very kind and go down to Professor Moody's office, where I think you will find a house-elf called Winky in considerable distress? Do what you can for her, and take her back to the kitchens. I think Dobby will look after her for us."

"Very...very well," said Madam Pomfrey, looking startled, and she too left. Dumbledore made sure that the door was closed, and that Madam Pomfrey's footsteps had died away, before he spoke again. "And now," he said, "it is time for two of our number to recognize each other for what they are. Sirius...If you could resume your usual form."

Sirius looked up at Dumbledore, unsure if he was being stupid, but did as ordered. He heard Mrs. Weasley's scream. "Sirius Black!"

"Mum, shut up!" Ron yelled. "It's okay!"

Snape had not yelled or jumped backward, but the look on his face was one of mingled fury and horror. "Him!" he snarled, staring at Sirius, whose face showed equal dislike as years worth utter hatred boiled within him. "What is he doing here?"

"He is here at my invitation," said Dumbledore, looking between them and Sirius felt an overwhelming urge to hex Snape, but controlled it with immense difficulty as he suppressed his anger, "as are you, Severus. I trust you both. It is time for you to lay aside your old differences and trust each other." Sirius and Snape were eyeing each other with the utmost loathing. "I will settle, in the short term," said Dumbledore, with a bite of impatience in his voice, "for a lack of open hostility. You will shake hands. You are on the same side now. Time is short, and unless the few of us who know the truth do not stand united, there is no hope for any us." Very slowly...but still glaring at each other as though each wished the other nothing but ill...Sirius and Snape moved toward each other and shook hands, Sirius felt his fingers creak under the pressure of Snape's hand. They let go extremely quickly. "That will do to be going on with," said Dumbledore, stepping between them once more. "Now I have work for each of you. Fudge's attitude, though not unexpected, changes everything. Sirius, I need you to set off at once. You are to alert Remus Lupin, Arabella Figg, Mundungus Fletcher...the old crowd. Lie low at Lupin's for a while; I will contact you there."

"But..." said Harry. He gave Sirius a pleading look. It was obvious he did not want to have to say goodbye again so quickly.

"You'll see me very soon. Harry," said Sirius, turning to him. "I promise you. But I must do what I can, you understand, don't you?" He despised leaving him like this, it was too much to ask for a fourteen year old to cope with everything alone...but he had little choice.

"Yeah," said Harry. "Yeah...Of course I do." Sirius grasped his hand briefly, nodded to Dumbledore, transformed again into the black dog, and ran the length of the room to the door, whose handle he turned with a paw. Then he was gone.


	23. Chapter TwentyThree: Rise of the Order

_**Tried to get this chapter as canon as possible, hope it fits alright. I quite enjoyed writing it, still glad you guys are liking this still! :D Your reviews make me a happy author! Keep them coming! Love to you, you wonderful people!**_

Chapter Twenty-Three: Rise of the Order of the Phoenix

Remus sat despondently in a chair, eyes on the fire in the hearth as it died down to ashes. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and he jumped, blinking slightly in surprise. The knock came again, several sharp bangs. He stood and made his way to the door, opening to reveal Sirius.

"Remus!" Sirius looked distressed as he stepped over the threshold. "We have orders from Dumbledore." He said, striding into the house as Remus closed the door behind him looking confused.

"What? Why?" He asked, following his lover to the living room. When Sirius turned around Remus saw a familiar gleam in his silver eyes. "War." Remus muttered.

Sirius nodded. "Dumbledore's reconvening the Order...we fight."

Remus nodded sharply, hands tightening into fists at his sides. "He's back..." He didn't need to see Sirius nod to know. "Then, I suppose we have work to do." He smiled weakly and turned around, Sirius followed him into the tiny back garden and they stood in the darkness. As one they lifted their wands to the sky, taking deep breaths and speaking in unison.

"Expecto Patronum."

Several silvery animals shot into the sky, separating and flying in different directions. They watched them go, leaving only darkness behind. Sirius didn't think when his hand found Remus' they stood there, hands clasped as the prospect of war dawned on them like a dark shadow. Their eyes were glued to the sky as they waited with bated breath, finally Sirius turned to Remus, his silver eyes as bright as the stars above them. His face was grave as he leaned in, kissing his lover gently. "This time..." He whispered. "This time we will win."

Remus smiled, but it was twisted. "We can't know that...Last time..."

Sirius shook his head silencing him. "Last time was different! We weren't prepared, not really. This time, we have warning, Dumbledore will be able to put in place all the proper preparations..."

Remus pulled himself away, fear obvious in his eyes. "Last time we lost James and Lily...this time we'll lose even more...we could even..."

Sirius sighed, tipping his head back to gaze up at the stars. "This isn't like last time! This time we have to win...this time we have to make sure he's destroyed once and for all...for us, for our friends...for Harry!"

The silence was heavy as Remus followed Sirius' eyes and they watched the sky. He shuddered as the wind picked up, blowing their cloaks around their feet and hair into their eyes...Remus felt cold dread sink into his gut and he clutched at Sirius' hand. "Don't die!" He whispered quickly. "Whatever happens...keep your promise to me."

Sirius looked at him and smiled. "No dying before you do, I promise."

Remus returned the smile slightly lopsidedly. "We'll do it together." He muttered.

Sirius could only nod before returning his eyes to the sky, as he watched he could see the Dog Star above him and after a second it seemed as if it had gone out...there was only impenetrable darkness where once had been a small silver dot and he swallowed the fear that sat heavily in his chest, he couldn't make Remus worry.

The Order of the Phoenix was gathered, the drums of War sounding deep within each of their hearts as old friends and new friends, old allies and new, all gathered around the small kitchen table in Remus' home. The silence was intense, Sirius sat in a corner, one leg drawn up while his arm dangled across his knee as people spoke quietly to each other, shooting him nervous glances. Remus paced nervously, unable to help himself, memories spewed forth from the depths of his mind like sewage water and he was unable to help seeing blank dead eyes, empty corpses, blood spattered streets and he sighed heavily, closing his eyes and leaning against the wall at Sirius' side. "It has to be different..." he whispered to the ceiling. "It has to."

The silence stretched on as people shifted in their seats, they could hear the distant bell toll from the small Norman church in the village. Sirius felt each heavy dong like a nail to his heart and he hung his head, trying not to close his eyes in case he saw those faces...faces of loved ones lost.

When the meeting was under away, introductions over, Dumbledore looked gravely around at them all, crammed awkwardly into the tiny kitchen. Sirius sat, leaning against the table, scratching random patterns into the wood with his pocket knife, earning worried looks from some of the others.

"I think our first order should be to find a Headquarters, one that has suitable magical protection and of appropriate size."

Sirius slowly lifted his eyes. "My mum's dead, right?" He asked slowly.

Remus gave him an odd look, "What?" he asked, confusion obvious.

"Grimmauld Place is perfect..." Sirius ran the glittering blade in a line down the table, making an awful noise and making people flinch. "My father put loads of protection on it...against Muggles mostly. He didn't want them to come calling..." he chuckled slightly, shoving the fingers of his free hand into his hair. "If my mum's dead, and Regulus too...that automatically makes me the sole benefactor of that god awful place."

"What is your point, boy?" Moody growled from further down the table.

"My point, Mr. Moody, is that my old house is free...and well protected, therefore suitable for the purposes of which the Order wish to use it for." Sirius slammed the blade of his knife deep into the wood. "As much as I despise the thought of returning...if it will help the War then I will have to live with it."

"Very good, Sirius. We will have to make sure it is safe but once we are certain we can use it."

"I'm pretty sure my mother would have written me out of her will, for obvious reasons, but I think that there was a clause that said that it would go to the last surviving male member of the family...which would discount my cousins and leave me. I'll go see if that's right with Remus..." Sirius stood slowly, the eyes that watched him were still nervous, always holding that hint of suspicion but Sirius ignored it.

"Very well, I will expect to hear back from you soon. Sirius, please stay hidden."

Sirius smiled wonkily, wrapping long fingers around his knife and pulling it from the wood. "Of course, Albus, you know me...ever the responsible one." He threw his head back with a sharp laugh before following Remus out of the house.

Sirius gazed up at the black door, the snakes head knocker glinting beneath the street lights. Slowly he lifted his wand, tapping it once and watched with mingled horror and fascination as the door creaked slowly open. He glanced nervously over his shoulder at Remus who gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm with you, Sirius."

Sirius nodded, turning back to the dark hallway and stepping over the threshold. The hall was dark and he lifted his arm, preventing Remus from entering with a soft whisper the lights flickered on revealing dust covered carpet, paintings lining the walls and an odd umbrella stand that resembled a leg of a Troll. Sirius' eyes landed on the curtained portrait and he knew what slept behind it, he turned slowly. "Keep silent!" he hissed softly and Remus nodded looking nervous. They crept in slowly, Sirius' fingers gripping the wand as he moved cautiously down the hall way, fighting memories of screams and hatred. His eyes flicked quickly towards the stairs and felt a sickening jolt as he saw the broken banister, he gazed at it, fingers tracing the splintered wood as he remembered being slammed into it. He took a shaky breath and turned back to the kitchen.

Remus gazed around in fascination, it was obvious why Sirius hated it...the snake motif was everywhere, the portraits were watching them warily and the curtains that hung down the wall seemed to breathe. He shivered, the house was undeniably creepy. Sirius moved through the house, discovering empty rooms, dust covered furniture. The whole house appeared empty until he stepped into his parent's room and saw a small, shrivelled looking figure standing by the bed. "You're still alive?" Sirius exclaimed, eyes wide and glittering as the candle stubs in the chandeliers burst into life.

Remus peered curiously over Sirius' shoulder as he saw the shrunken figure turning slowly. "House-elf?" He asked slowly, seeing a very dark look cross Sirius' face.

"And what is this Kreacher is seeing? A traitor, come back to beg forgiveness from the Mistress for his betrayal?"

Sirius hissed, the noise snake-like and Remus placed a hand on his shoulder. "I am master of this place, Kreacher, you will address me as befits that status!" He sneered, his voice cold.

Kreacher merely gazed at him, his eyes full of malice. "Of course, Master, Kreacher must obey the Ancient and most Noble house of Black...even if he does not care for the delinquent who broke my mistress' poor heart." He bowed low as he muttered.

"Shut up!" Sirius snapped. "What the hell have you been doing all this time? The place is filthy! You're a house elf who doesn't even bother cleaning? What use are you?"

"Kreacher has been cleaning, Master, he is being obeying his Mistress all these years."

Sirius' sneer grew. "Good god...you've been taking orders from that bloody portrait down stairs haven't you? You mad thing..." he shook his head. "Well, at least try and keep this place tidy, you useless sack of bones..." Sirius turned. "We have guests." He swept away ignoring the tightening in his chest as he fought the dark emotions all this was bringing up.

Remus followed Sirius as they entered the kitchen, Sirius slumped down heavily, dark eyes scanning the cracked walls, the dirty pots and the dripping tap. He lifted a shaking hand and pointed at some tiles on the floor that had cracked into a star shape. His eyes were almost black in the low lighting. "That happened when I was twelve, my father caught me stealing food and slammed my head into the tiles after tearing out a chunk of my hair...that was pretty messy I must admit." He chuckled humourlessly and Remus gazed at the patch of broken tiles looking queasy. "The amount of times I was asked to bend over this table when my father decided my grammar was incorrect and punished me for it..." He closed his eyes, bowing his head. "This...is going to be harder than I thought..." He whispered and felt arms surround him in a warm embrace.

"Except it's not the same, Padfoot." Remus whispered. "Because I'll stay here with you. You don't have to be alone, not anymore."

Sirius lifted his head, turning it so he gazed into Remus' sympathetic eyes, he smiled weakly and kissed him slowly. When he pulled away with a soft moan he smiled. "Let's tell the others it's safe." He whispered.

The Order set up within the dark walls of Grimmauld place, Sirius wasn't expecting to end up living with the Weasley's who moved in saying that it would be better for them to be closer to the centre of activity as they lived so far away. Remus stayed with Sirius, watching helplessly as his lover moved through the house like a ghost, sometimes gazing at areas of carpet, sometimes locking himself in his room and refusing to come out. The darkness surrounded them, dulling the laughter and making voices seem distant as they waited for some sign of what was happening outside.

Sirius sat in his mother's drawing room, in a corner as he read the Prophet, Remus found him and watched silently from the door way as he saw Sirius scoff and throw the paper across the room and into the crackling fire. "Fucking useless fools!" He hissed. "They don't know what they're doing!"

Remus moved in, kneeling before his lover and taking his hands gently. "They'll find out the truth eventually, I'm sure of it. In the meantime let's try and concentrate on keeping Harry safe."

They set up a watch, people to keep an eye on Harry while he was with his Aunt and Uncle, each of them taking it in turns to make sure the boy stayed safe and out of trouble, the meetings were fraught with tension, voices were strained as Dumbledore revealed to them the truth behind Voldemorts obsession with Harry...

Sirius gazed at Dumbledore, his eyes wide with disbelief.

"The reason that Voldemort insists on trying to kill Harry Potter is not simply due to vengeance..." Dumbledore said gravely, his eyes filled with sadness as he looked across the table at Sirius and Remus. "Fifteen years ago, or thereabouts, a prophecy was made. This prophecy foretold of a boy to be born at the end of July, a boy fated to destroy the Dark Lord once and for all, releasing Wizarding kind from his evil...this prophecy is what made Voldemort hunt down Lily and James Potter, this prophecy is the reason Voldemort attacked and murdered Harry's parents."

Sirius felt his chest constrict, his silver eyes were wide. "No!" he gasped. "W-Why? Why didn't you tell us this?" he stood, his chair flying out behind him, Remus put a hand on his shoulder.

"Sirius...calm down, Please..." He began but Sirius cut him off with a look.

"Dumbledore...why didn't you tell us?" He said, gazing at the Headmaster as if this was the first time he was really seeing him. He licked his lips slowly as realisation dawned on him, he hung his head. "Did...did James know? Does Harry know?" He asked in a croaky whisper.

"I did not tell James or Lily the real reason Voldemort was after them...they did not learn the whole truth. I am...sorry."

"Sorry?" Sirius' head jerked up and he was shaking with fury. "You kept such vital information from them? What if it...what if it had saved their lives? What if..."

"Nothing could have prevented their death's Sirius, the information would have merely made them worry even more. It was...unnecessary..."

"Unnecessary?" Sirius repeated, eyes glittering. "If I had known! If I had...If I had been more aware...I wouldn't have told them to use Peter!" he was shaking so violently the table rattled beneath his fingers and he was having trouble breathing. "I could have been secret keeper..." he lifted one hand and covered his face, guilt and fury making speech impossible. He felt Remus' hands on his back as he was pushed gently into a chair.

"We cannot change the past, Sirius." Dumbledore said softly, guilt obvious in his voice. "But we are able to prevent future disaster...now then, Voldemort is going to try to take this prophecy from where it is kept in the bowels of the Ministry. Am I correct in assuming he is taking steps to procure it for himself, Severus?"

Snape, who had been frowning at the table looked up and nodded. "He has been speaking of it, I do not doubt that he will be making his move shortly. The fact that the Ministry are so determined to keep his rise a secret has him confident that his plans will succeed."

Sirius swore softly, glaring at Snape. "How do we know that your information is correct, Snivellus? What proof do we have that you haven't been kissing Voldemort's arse since you were welcomed back into the fold?"

Before Snape could retort Albus interrupted. "I trust Severus." Dumbledore said simply. "Now, moving on...about Harry's protection...I would like each of you to take it in turns to watch him, make sure nothing happens to him. Mundungus, you will borrow one of Alastor's cloaks and take first watch."

Mundungus sighed and nodded. Sirius sat back, listening as people were given their jobs, and as they all stood he hung his head dejectedly. He heard Snape's hissing whisper as he left. "Have fun sitting here alone, Puppy." He left in a swirl of cloak and it was only Remus' tight grip on Sirius' arm that prevented him from hexing Snape.

When news came that Harry had been attacked Remus was woken from an afternoon nap by a loud scream and a crash. He bolted out of Sirius' bed and ran down stairs, drawing his wand hastily. He entered the drawing room and saw Sirius, holding Mundungus against the wall by his throat, his face twisted in fury. "You fucking useless waste of space!" Sirius hissed, his voice dripping with venom. "You were given a task! A task to watch Harry...and you go and ditch him! How dare you!" Sirius raised his fist, punching Fletcher in the face so he squealed.

"I-I din' mean to! 'e looked alrigh' so-so I left 'im!"

Sirius laughed humourlessly and bent low, face inches from Mundungus'. "I don't want to hear your fucking excuses!" he dragged him up, throwing him back into the wall, he reached for his wand, pointing it directly between the ginger mans droopy eyes so they crossed before he squeezed them shut with a pathetic moan. "You could have got him killed!" Sirius screamed, but before he could curse the pathetic git he was thrown backwards and found himself sitting in a chair, he blinked in confusion and saw Remus standing in the door way but stood behind him was Dumbledore...and he was furious.

The Weasley's and Hermione stood nervously by the door way as Dumbledore advanced on the man who squeaked in such a way it made Sirius think of Peter and when he thought of Peter fury rose with it. He shook as he dug his fingers into the chair he was sat in, unable to move due to some force that held him there. "Sirius, allow me to deal with him...we cannot have fighting in amongst our ranks. Remus, please take Sirius somewhere to calm down before he hurts someone."

Remus nodded moving quickly into the room and grabbing Sirius by the scruff of his robes and pulling him away. They went to the kitchen where Sirius was deposited into a chair and Remus sat opposite him, his eyes scanning Sirius' face as if he was a bomb yet to explode. "What were you thinking?" He asked slowly, carefully trying not to reignite Sirius' anger.

"That scumbag!" Sirius hissed, fists clenching on the table top. "He was supposed to be watching Harry! He was supposed..." he buried his face in his hands. "What if he hadn't had his wand on him? What if..." He shuddered, unable to comprehend the full scale of the potential disaster.

"He's fine though, Sirius." Remus said consolingly.

Sirius took a breath, closing his eyes before suddenly standing. He swept from the room, Remus on his heels, he ignored his protests as he ran up the stairs, slamming open his bedroom door and making the sign swing. He went to his old desk and rummaged around, withdrawing some parchment, a quill and ink. As fast as he could he scribbled a note and went to the Owl that sat snoozing in a cage, he coaxed it awake and tied the letter to its leg opening the window and letting it soar into the night. There was a knock on the door and they turned to see Arthur standing there watching the owl leave. "Ah, I see you sent one as well." He said calmly with a small smile.

Dumbledore appeared behind them, he still looked slightly angry. "Sirius, I will return soon, I must go to the ministry, Arthur tells me they have expelled Harry from school..."

Sirius' eyes widened. "They what? They can't do that! He was protecting himself!"

"Do not fear, I shall do what I can to right this situation. Have patience and stay here." He gazed sternly at Sirius who clenched his teeth, hands tight at his sides as he nodded stiffly.

Sirius was sat listlessly in his mothers room, throwing dead ferrets at Buckbeak and watching him devour them with wicked snaps of his beak when a soft tapping noise on his window made him sit up and look out to see Hedwig staring at him with amber eyes. He sighed and opened the window allowing the beautiful bird to hop onto his arm ruffling her feathers. He saw three scrolls attached to her leg and undid them, absently he stroked her head while she hooted softly as he read the letter;

_I've just been attacked by Dementors and I might be expelled from Hogwarts. I want to know what's going on and when I'm going to get out of here._

With a heavy sigh he shook his head. "I'm sorry Harry..." he muttered as Hedwig hooted more sharply at him. When he lifted his hand she nipped his finger, he winced. "Ow! What the hell?" He muttered, gazing at the angry owl. She screeched, flapping her wings and bashing him over the head as he sucked at his bleeding fingers. "Stupid bird..." He watched her take off and fly around the room once before landing on the desk, he watched her kick the ink well and hoot again. "I can't! You don't understand...Dumbledore's orders, Hedwig."

She seemed to glare at him before huffing and taking flight again, snatching the other two scrolls out of his hand and flying out the door into the corridor. A while later he heard Ronald swearing loudly and Hermione whispering something.

Finally they found out what exactly was happening when Dumbledore returned, he was frowning as he swept into the kitchen to see Sirius leaning back in a chair, eyes on the ceiling and a bottle of Firewhisky on the table, his long hair fell into his eyes and he acknowledged Dumbledore's presence by taking a deep swig straight from the bottle and letting the chair slam forward onto the floor. Remus entered the kitchen and sighed when he saw Sirius drinking, he walked over taking the bottle from his fingers. "I think you've had enough." He said and put it back in the cupboard.

"Awww...Moony, I was drinkin' that...spoil sport." He mumbled, folding his arms petulantly across his chest.

"Boredom is hardly an excuse to drink, especially when we've been so busy cleaning up this place." Mrs. Weasley said sternly as she entered, followed by Ron, the twins and Hermione. "You should help us instead of sulking in your mothers room with Buckbeak."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes mother." He hissed softly.

"If you didn't act like a child I wouldn't treat you like one, Mr. Black."

Remus smirked, unable to hold back the small chuckle. Sirius shot him a glare. "Shut up." He snapped. "And stop smirking like a prat."

Remus shook his head, remaining silent as Sirius brooded like a stroppy teenager. "Now then," Dumbledore said as everyone gathered. "The Ministry have agreed to hold off full Expulsion until a hearing which will take place on the twelfth of August, before which time we will be removing Harry from Privet Drive and bringing him here." Sirius looked up, his eyes sparkling. "He will remain here for the rest of the summer."

"Brilliant!" Ron exclaimed, sounding somewhat relieved. Hermione bit her lip, she looked worried.

"So, how will we be removing him from Privet Drive without alerting everyone?" Remus asked.

"Now that, is up to Alastor."

Everyone turned to the grizzled old Auror as he stumped into the kitchen followed by several other people, a small woman with shockingly violet hair and a smile, a tall dark skinned man and a few others. Sirius felt his eyes narrow at the young woman, then recognition flooded him and he stood up, swaying slightly. "Nymphadora!" he gasped, the girl looked at him. "Merlin! Wow...you've grown so much!"

She smiled. "Wotcher Sirius." She said as Sirius ran around the table, pulling her into an embrace.

"You look like your father!" He gasped, releasing her and looking like his grin would split his face in two. "Except...I think I can see those good old Black genes in there."

She pulled a face. "Not a compliment if you ask me, oh and I hate being called Nymphodora! My mum has seriously bad taste in names...It's Tonks."

Sirius laughed. "Ah, how is she? Dromeda?"

"She's fine...she was glad when I told her you were innocent, said she'd like to hear from you."

"Haven't heard from her in so long..." Sirius muttered, swaying drunkenly on his feet.

"As touching as this moment is, we should be arranging how to get Harry to safety as soon as possible!" Moody snapped irritably.

They formed a plan to remove Harry after much debate and when they came to decide who was going Remus nominated himself, as he was sure Harry would welcome a familiar face...at least a familiar face who had not tried to kill him. "I want to go!" Sirius asked, his eyes on Dumbledore. "Please!"

"No, Sirius." Dumbledore replied calmly. "This is going to be far to dangerous as it is, if you were spotted..."

"I-I'd go in disguise! No one would know...please, Dumbledore! I'm going insane locked up here!"

"No means no." Dumbledore said softly, ending the argument by turning to Moody. "When will you leave?"

Sirius ignored the rest of the discussion as he slumped in his seat, gazing at his hands. He felt Remus touch him lightly on the shoulder. "It's alright, we'll be bringing him back here." Sirius said nothing.


	24. Chapter TwentyFour:Squandered Childhood

_**A/N: And I'm back again! I am having to read through the Ootp so I can refresh my memory of what happens and try and write the story around Canon. I hope you don't mind if I slip in snippets of JK Rowlings wonderful book just for continuities sake! Love you all for your uplifting comments! Thank you so very much! (Oh, this one contains smut! Lol) the name of this chapter refers to the fact that Sirius feels that he squandered his childhood by fighting the War and fighting his parents, he feels as if he missed out on all the things a child should have enjoyed and he is pining for James. :(**_

Chapter Twenty-Four: Squandered Childhood

Sirius sat low in his chair, his chin resting on the table as he gazed blankly at the knife that stood up in the wood. The empty bottles of firewhisky lay scattered across the table and he was revelling in the numbness that the drink was giving him, he didn't even care that Molly was giving him angry looks across the table. Arthur cleared his throat, pushing his glasses further up onto his nose, Sirius hiccoughed slightly.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Molly said suddenly, standing up and glaring at Sirius who jumped back as bottles fell to the floor smashing around his feet. "Sirius, clean these up, we're supposed to have a meeting soon! How can we have it while you are moping and drinking? What will Harry say when he sees you passed out on the stairs?"

Sirius giggled, swaying slightly. "Come on Molly...'m only havin' fun..." he slurred.

She made an angry noise, sounding very much like a cat. "I said, clean these up!" She brandished her wand threateningly at him until he sighed and drew out his own, waving it randomly and sending the bottles up into the air where they somehow formed a rather nice pyramid. Sirius gazed up at them, frowning.

"How on earth did I do that?" He muttered, his mind sluggish.

Molly closed her eyes, as if praying for patience before jabbing her wand at the bottles and making them soar into a corner where they stacked themselves neatly. "Now," She pointed her wand at a cupboard which opened and a bottle of yellowish liquid came flying out of it and landed in front of Sirius who looked at it warily. "Drink that and sober up before your Godson arrives!" She snapped.

Sirius looked guilty as he uncorked the suspicious bottle and downed it. He gagged but held it down. "Disgusting!" He retched. Slowly he felt his head begin to clear and without the numbing effects of the drink he felt his darkness closing in on him, as if the walls themselves were creeping closer. He shivered and hung his head dejectedly.

The meeting began when the others arrived, Remus saw Sirius sat slumped in his chair, gazing at a spot on the wall with a dark frown on his face. He walked over and put his hand on Sirius' arm. "Harry's here." He said softly. Sirius nodded. "Cheer up Sirius, you don't want Harry thinking you've been moping..."

"I _have_ been moping, Remmy." Sirius sighed and tried to slump further in his seat. "It dusty...old and depressing..." he muttered darkly.

Before Remus could speak Snape stood up and the room fell silent. Maps and blue prints were spread out on the table and Sirius leaned on his hand and gazed mournfully at them while people discussed important issues...issues he had nothing to do with. The feeling of utter uselessness made him more depressed and he ended up leaning on Remus, yawning widely as they discussed who would take next watch.

Snape began telling them all he had managed to learn of the activities of Voldemort but he was interrupted by loud shouting from above their heads, after a brief pause Snape continued as if he had not been interrupted.

Once the meeting was over, people began to disperse. Sirius stayed where he was, eyeing the empty bottles longingly...he just wanted to drink himself into oblivion...

"Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness! Half-breeds, mutants, freaks, be gone from this place! How dare you befoul the house of my father's..."

Sirius heard the screams, he flinched violently and a small gasp escaped him before he stood up and ran into the hallway. He found himself face to face with the monster woman who had given birth to him and the usual hatred and fury swamped him. "Shut up, you horrible old hag, shut UP!" he roared, seizing the curtain Mrs Weasley had abandoned.

The old woman's face blanched. "Yoooou!" she howled, her eyes popping at the sight of her son. "Blood traitor, abomination, shame of my flesh!"

"I said - shut - UP!" Sirius roared, and with a stupendous effort he and Remus managed to force the curtains closed again. He stood still a moment, panting slightly before turning and sweeping hair from his eyes. "Hello, Harry," he said grimly, "I see you've met my mother."

Sirius was surprised when Harry didn't know that Grimmauld place was his childhood home, he explained how he had grown up there as they made their way down into the large kitchen where Bill and the others were clearing away the remnants of the meeting. He tried to keep the bitterness about his situation out of his voice, but failed.

Dinner was a quiet affair with Tonks doing her usual in-dinner entertainment and others speaking softly to each other. Once everyone was satisfied and sleepy Mrs. Weasley decided that it was bed time.

"Not just yet, Molly" said Sirius, pushing away his empty plate and turning to look at Harry. "You know, I'm surprised at you. I thought the first thing you'd do when you got here would be to start asking questions about Voldemort." He saw the curiosity burn in those green eyes, he had discussed this before with the others, he hated that Harry, who had been through just as much as any one of them, was being kept in the dark about his parents killer. He was also feeling resentful towards Dumbledore for his own predicament so he wanted to do anything he could to defy him, even if it was only this.

The argument that ensued was tense, Sirius feeling all his frustration, all his anger at Dumbledore come spewing out at Molly as he tried to defend Harry's right to know...to understand! It was too cruel to expect him to be in the dark, surely he had more right than anyone here to know what was happening? Finally they came to a compromise and they told Harry certain things, but not everything, much to Sirius' displeasure.

The weeks passed, Sirius tried to put on a happy face, he helped with the cleaning, he tried, but it was difficult as memories surrounded him, drowning him in darkness. One evening he sat in his room, gazing at a photograph stuck to the wall with a permanent sticking charm. It showed him, James, Remus and Peter all gazing out with big smiles on their faces, completely unaware of the awful fates that awaited them...he found himself wishing he could reclaim that innocence, to go back and stop himself from making those terrible mistakes.

Remus watched Sirius fall into depression and bitterness, he could do nothing to relieve it, he could only place a comforting hand on his shoulder. It hurt him to watch it, but he was forced to leave the house more and more often as the demands of the Order became harder. He had to contact the Werewolves, like last time, he was needed elsewhere and he could feel a divide begin between Sirius and himself. It was like watching his own arm being torn away, slowly but surely...and it caused him more pain than he would have admitted.

One evening Sirius lay on his bed, gazing up at the ceiling, thinking of James. Harry was his double...But Harry wasn't James...Harry was just like him...But he wasn't...Harry was his son and had the same smile...but James was dead...Harry was alive...but he wasn't James...

The thoughts circled his head until he wanted to scream in frustration, instead he rolled over, punching his pillow and burying his face into it. "James..." he whispered softly, muffling his voice in the pillow, he wanted his best friend back...he wanted to feel him in his arms, he wanted to hear his laughter, see his smile...

"Sirius?"

Sirius turned over gazing at the door which had opened to reveal Remus looking exhausted. He sat up, pushing hair from his eyes as Remus sat down on the bed and pulled him close. Sirius took a shaky breath. "You smell like wet dog." He muttered softly, gazing up at Remus through his hair.

Remus chuckled, pushing fingers into Sirius' hair and dragging his head to his. Their lips met and they kissed slowly for a moment. "So did you when you came in from the rain..." he murmured.

"I did?" Sirius moved closer, letting his tongue meet his lovers.

"Mm...yeah. You used to go running in the rain as Padfoot, remember?"

Sirius shook his head, pushing his hands into Remus' hair. "No...I don't."

"You don't?" Remus frowned.

Sirius looked at him and sighed. "My memories...sometimes I...I forget things. Azkaban...it sucks everything from you, It's difficult to keep some things."

Remus sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault, Moony."

"It is."

Sirius chuckled roughly, kissing Remus deeply. "How? It was me who never trusted you, I was the one who made the stupid decisions..."

"But I left you...when you needed me most." Remus pushed Sirius back onto the bed, looking into his eyes. "I won't leave you again, Sirius...trust me."

Sirius smiled, his hand in Remus' hair. "I do." He said simply and they kissed in silence for a long time, enjoying the shared breaths, the steady beating of their hearts and the feel of their lips and tongues. "I trust you with my life..." He whispered as Remus pulled away to slide his hands down Sirius' chest, he let out a soft breath of air and closed his eyes as Remus ran his tongue down his exposed chest, following the line of dark hair that led to his groin. As Remus' tongue found his erection he gasped, hands shoved into soft brown hair as his back arched off the bed. He bit down hard on his bottom lip as a spike of pleasure thrust its self deep into his stomach, he had to keep quiet, they hadn't told anyone about their trysts, their love was quiet and private, a burning talisman kept close to both their hearts so that when their hands entwined they both felt that electrical current shooting through their skin. Sirius closed his eyes, sinking into the sensation of the heat that surrounded him, he groaned softly, fingers tightening on Remus' until he was released. Remus gazed up at him through hair that was going grey prematurely, but his eyes burned fiercely in the dark as he leaned on Sirius' abdomen and they gazed at each other. Remus smiled, a bright thing in the dimness of the bedroom Sirius returned it and pulled him up so their lips met again, his hand slid down Remus' back as they kissed, their breathing in time with the beat of their hearts.

Over the next week they tried to snatch any time alone they could, which was difficult when people were running in and out and Mrs. Weasley was desperate to get them to help when she thought they looked idle. They would share longing glances across the table at meetings, and when they were alone they would do nothing but kiss. Sirius took advantage of everyone's distraction when they were cleaning and he pulled Remus into a room. He found himself slammed into a wall, a hot mouth on his as Remus devoured his gasps hungrily, their fingers tangled into each other's hair and they hardly broke apart to even breathe. When the door opened they would fall away from each other, avoiding each other's eyes and trying not to blush like naughty school children, but when they were interrupted, Remus would leave with a tiny smirk on his lips and Sirius tried to keep a straight face.

Sirius sat in his mother's bedroom, looking out the window as Buckbeak nudged him gently with his beak. Remus had left again, to go see if he could convince the Werewolves, Sirius had always thought the idea was pointless, but Dumbledore insisted on trying. He leaned on the window sill, a cigarette in between his fingers as he blew smoke out of the open window and remembered his last encounter with Remus in a locked room, he sighed heavily and jumped slightly as there was a knock on the door. It opened to reveal Harry standing there, his eyes landed on the cigarette and Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Don't tell Molly." He said. Harry smiled and moved into the room, bowing to Buckbeak, when the creature bowed back he moved over to pet him. "Are you ok?" Sirius asked, flicking the cigarette out of the window and turning to the boy.

"Yeah..." Harry muttered, although his face told a different story.

Sirius felt a slight jolt in his stomach as he realised he was supposed to do the Godfatherly thing and speak to the boy about his troubles, but he had never been very empathic it was one thing James had always teased him about at school, then he thought of James and chewed his lip as he gazed at Harry through his fringe. "Alright, what's wrong?" He said finally, moving across the room and sitting on the bed, a puff of dust rose around him and he grimaced.

Harry's eyes widened slightly. "Nothing."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, leaning forward slightly. "I'm not a fool, Harry...I can tell when something's wrong. You get that same crease between your eyebrows as James got."

Harry smiled slightly, seemingly pleased with that little piece of knowledge. Sirius felt rather pleased with himself for making the boy smile, but it was gone quickly and Sirius felt nervous. "I-uh...might not be very good at it...but...if you need to talk, I can listen...I mean..." He frowned and lowered his head, silently cursing himself, he really wasn't cut out for this. "Well, Remus is better at this kind of thing...but, I'm your Godfather...it's the least I can do."Harry simply stood there, gazing at Sirius as he muttered, slowly trailing into silence as he looked up with a smile. "Sorry, I guess Molly was right...I'm a bit useless at this."

Harry giggled. "It's nothing, really Sirius."

"Oh...ok, good...then...I suppose we'd better get going then...or Molly'll have my head." He smiled awkwardly, slightly relieved he didn't have to have any serious talks with his Godson.

Later, as he gazed at the tapestry showing his family tree, he realised why Harry had been so worried and he wanted to smack his head into the wall. How could he have been so stupid? He had completely forgotten about the Hearing! And then his self disdain turned to a small flutter of hope...and, no matter how much he pushed it aside, he couldn't stop it from blooming into something. If Harry was expelled, he would be able to come and live with him...he would be able to, at least in part, gain a little bit of James back...and the thoughts consumed him. he couldn't stop it...no matter how many times he told himself that Harry had to return to school, that it was better for him to finish his education, that he was still really just a teenager...it was impossible to completely crush the new sense of hope that bloomed in his chest.

"But Dumbledore...please, why can't I go?" Sirius said desperately. They were in the kitchen, trying to speak in hushed voices on the eleventh of August. Harry was asleep upstairs and Dumbledore had told them not to wake him. "Please, Albus...I'm begging you! Let me go with him! I-I'll be good! I'll stay as Padfoot! I won't do anything stupid..."

"Sirius, I have said no." Dumbledore said quietly, his blue eyes on the man in the slightly dusty robes stood opposite him. Sirius looked more like the boy he had been at school than ever, with his large, silvery eyes gazing pleadingly at Dumbledore.

"But..."

"No."

"Come on, I wouldn't actually go into the Ministry I..."

"No, Sirius."

Sirius gritted his teeth, clenching his hands into fists at his sides. "But he can't go through this alone! It's cruel!"

"He will not be alone, I will attend and defend his case."

"Dumbledore's right Sirius." Remus said softly from his corner, nursing a cup of tea.

"Remus..." Sirius whinged.

"I'm sorry." Dumbledore said gently.

"This is ridiculous! I'm stuck in this...this filthy house and now I can't even go see my own Godson off before he goes on trial?" Sirius' breathing hitched slightly as he fought for control over his emotions, his eyes were overly bright and Dumbledore sighed heavily, pinching the top of his nose in exasperation.

"It is for your own safety, Sirius. Until we can find a way to prove your innocence you must stay here and stay indoors! It is imperative that you do not needlessly risk yourself. If you are caught they will not bother to imprison you again, you will be subjected to the Dementors kiss and therefore be beyond any help...what would Harry do without you?"

Sirius opened and closed his mouth before making an angry noise and kicking a chair furiously, making Crookshanks hiss and run out from beneath it. "Fine!" Sirius hissed. "Fine..." he slumped down into a seat and hung his head.

Later that night Remus came to his room, he lay down on the bed. Sirius kept his back to him, trying to stay moody even while Remus's hands glided beneath his t-shirt and he whispered in his ear. "It'll be alright, Sirius. They won't expel him...not with the law on his side."

Sirius made a grunting noise. "That's not the point though, is it?" he hissed furiously, trying to ignore Remus' fingers as they grazed his ribs and made him shudder pleasantly.

"What is the point then?" Remus replied, kissing the back of Sirius' neck and smiling into his hair when he heard Sirius stifle a moan.

"The point...the point is...Ah...R-Remus..." he tried to wriggle away from the gentle touches, those intrepid fingers that seemed intent on blowing all his moody thoughts away. "I-I..." he hissed air through his teeth as Remus slid his hand into his underwear.

"You? You what, Sirius?" Remus muttered, chuckling when all he got in response was a soft moan.

"Fucking bastard..." Sirius sighed, his hand sliding down Remus' arm to grip his wrist tightly. "Nnn..."

"Not so angry anymore, are you?"

"Git." Sirius rolled over and gazed up at the shadowy silhouette of his lover. His black hair was spread across the white sheet beneath him and Remus ran his hands through it slowly, enjoying the way Sirius arched into his touch as he continued his ministrations.

It didn't take much before Sirius and Remus were scrambling around, tearing at each other's clothes. Their heavy gasps filling the dark room as Sirius threw his head back so hair cascaded down his back, Remus' hips moved in time with his, each thrust agonisingly slow as all thought was wiped away and Sirius found himself biting down on Remus' shoulder to try and stifle his voice, his fingers grasping desperately at anything and his body trembling. "Sirius..." Remus hissed, his lips moving against Sirius' throat as he thrust upward while the other straddled him. He came with a sharp gasp, his eyes snapping closed as he fought back his cry.

Later they lay in each other's arms, Sirius' eyes slowly falling closed as he rested his head on Remus' chest and his breathing began to even out. Remus' fingers in his hair and on his back soothed him into a deep, dreamless sleep...


	25. Chapter TwentyFive: Haunted

_**A/N: Hiya! Well, chapter Twenty five...woo! It's been quite the journey here! Now, I hope you lot haven't grown bored with this and I am loving all your lovely reviews! Keep em coming! Love to all!**_

Chapter Twenty-Five: Haunted

When Harry returned from his hearing and told everyone all charges had been dropped the twins and Ginny started up an odd kind of War chant as they danced around the kitchen. Sirius tried to smile and be happy as he shook Harry's hand, but it was difficult. He had managed to get his hopes up, imagining what it would be like to live with Harry...what it would be like to have James return to him.

He watched the others celebrate and found himself feeling as if a wall had separated him from them...they lived in the light, they were children still, unaware of the true horror of war and the consequences of what could happen. They had never been forced to watch as friends died, they had never known the grief of watching loved ones die...

Remus kept a close eye on Sirius and he noticed how, when he thought no one was watching, he sank into misery. He sat in dark corners observing the happiness and laughter around him and only forcing a smile when someone spoke to him, Remus felt like he was sharing Sirius' misery...he couldn't stop the feeling of foreboding that filled him.

When the children received their Hogwarts letters and everyone discovered that Ron and Hermione had made Prefect Molly threw a little party for them, the bright crimson and gold banner made Sirius' heart clench painfully, but he also found an odd sense of wry amusement when he thought of how odd the colours looked against the dark greens and blacks of the rest of the house. People stood around talking, Ron telling anyone within ear shot about his new broom, Hermione discussing Elf rights with Remus who looked a little confused and the Twins sat in the corner, heads together in a way that reminded Sirius fiercely of himself and James.

Sirius stood by the food, listening vaguely to Moody who was congratulating Ron. "Well, congratulations," said Moody, glaring at Ron with his normal eye, "authority figures always attract trouble, but I suppose Dumbledore thinks you can withstand most major jinxes or he wouldn't have appointed you."

Remus smiled wryly as they discussed the fact that he had been Prefect. "Well, what Moody say's is true to a certain extent..." he told Hermione as he sipped his drink. "I remember one time when I was patrolling I ended up walking under a door and covered in slime..." He grimaced at the memory but heard Sirius burst into sudden hysterics, he turned and blinked at his friend as realisation dawned on him. "It...Sirius...was that you?" He exclaimed.

Sirius clapped him on the back. "I'm sorry...but James and I decided it was time to try and stop you from acting so self important!"

"Self important?" Remus pushed Sirius playfully in the shoulder as he laughed. "All these years I thought it was some kind of silly First Year prank and it was you all along! Git!"

Sirius grinned, remembering the prank clearly. "Ah, good times, Moony...good times."

Remus' smile softened. "Yes, they were." Their eyes lingered over long on each other and it took quite a bit to tear their gazes away, Sirius almost missed Hermione's slightly open mouth as she watched them, but Remus moved away.

Sirius, for something to do, spotted Mad-eye with Harry, he moved closer and spotted an old photograph. "What's that you've got there, Mad-Eye?" and Moody turned towards him. Sirius gazed down at it and felt his heart leap into his throat, he let his breath out slowly as he saw James waving up at him with a smile, beside him was Lily and...he almost growled with anger as he spotted Peter.

"Original Order, thought people would be interested." Moody growled.

"I...I remember..." Sirius whispered as flashes of memories shot through his head. "I danced with Lily that night...it was snowing and..." his voice trailed off and he felt a strong hand on his shoulder, he automatically leaned into the touch, knowing by scent that it was Remus. "They're all gone..."

"But they'll never be completely gone, Sirius." Remus whispered, his own eyes glued to Lily and James' smiling faces. "Gone...but we still hold them in our hearts."

Sirius downed his drink, in a poor attempt to try and distract himself. "Will it be any different this time around?" he muttered as Moody moved off to show someone else the picture.

"Yes. It has to be, Sirius." Remus replied softly. Sirius closed his eyes, leaning on his friend and sighed softly. "It'll be alright..."

As Sirius and Remus were walking up the stairs they heard Harry talking to someone, and Molly's voice as she sobbed desperately. He broke into a run but Remus overtook him, when they reached the room Sirius saw a body on the carpet...limbs sprawled across it...eyes dead and blank...He felt his breath leave him and he stumbled backwards, flashes of memories flitted across his mind's eye...

He could see him, lying in the hallway, his hazel eyes with no light...

Sirius couldn't breathe, his heart was beating too rapidly. He took a shaky breath as Remus ran forward, wand raised and the body turned into a shining orb before it was vanished. Finally Sirius let out his breath and closed his eyes, it was only a Boggart...only a Boggart...James had been dead for fourteen years...it had already happened.

"Half the f - f - family's in the Order, it'll b - b - be a miracle if we all come through this: and P - P Percy's not talking to us: what if something d-d - dreadful happens and we've never in - in - made it up with him? And what's going to happen if Arthur and I get killed, who's g - g - going to look after Ron and Ginny?" Molly was sobbing desperately into Remus' shoulder who comforted her, Sirius was having difficulty looking away from the patch of carpet where the image of James'...no...Harry's body had lain.

"Molly that's enough;" said Remus firmly. "This isn't like last time. The Order are better prepared, we've got a head start, we know what Voldemort's up to..." Mrs Weasley gave a little squeak of fright at the sound of the name. "Oh, Molly, come on, it's about time you got used to hearing his name - look, I can't promise no one's going to get hurt, nobody can promise that, but we're much better off than we were last time. You weren't in the Order then, you don't understand. Last time we were outnumbered twenty to one by the Death Eaters and they were picking us off one by one."

Sirius swallowed the hard lump in his throat and tore himself away from past, away from memories of smiling, dead faces, away from the pain and anguish, away from stupid mistakes. "Don't worry about Percy." Said Sirius abruptly. "He'll come round. It's only a matter of time before Voldemort moves into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry's going to be begging us to forgive them. And I'm not sure I'll be accepting their apology," he added bitterly.

Later Sirius stood before the ornate, full length mirror in his bedroom Wardrobe. He was gazing at himself, looking at the fine silver streaks in his ebony hair, at the tiny lines that surrounded his eyes and mouth, at the hollow, dead darkness that hid behind the silver-grey of his eyes. He swallowed and pressed his hand to the mirror, leaving an imprint on his reflection like the stain on his soul. He could see a figure stood behind him, a figure with messy black hair and glasses, a figure with a small, heart warming smile. He dared not turn around in case he disappeared so he settled for watching his twenty one year old friend in the mirror. If only he could see him one last time, speak to him, apologise and hopefully be forgiven...but this spectre merely smiled. "James..." Sirius whispered and the figure's smile widened in response. The hazel eyes were filled with affection, a warmth that surpassed anything Sirius had ever experienced and his heart was crushed in his chest as he lowered his head and pressed his forehead against the cool glass. Tears slipped free of his eyes and he shuddered as he almost felt arms embrace him, warm, friendly arms, comforting yet painful...because Sirius did not deserve forgiveness.

Remus found him in his room, kneeling before a mirror and crying silently as he rocked back and forth slightly, trying to fight off the grief. He had always known that Sirius had never forgiven himself, he had always known that Sirius was haunted by James. He moved quickly into the room, pulling Sirius into his arms and holding him, closing his eyes tightly against his own sadness. "Sirius...it's alright." He whispered, his voice cracking as he felt Sirius shake in his arms. "Everything will be fine." His words sounded empty, even to his own ears.

The shouts and laughter that morning were loud and bright, filling the house with something it had never heard before. Sirius sat in the kitchen, gazing at the empty fire place as he listened to the children scrambling to get ready for school. He chewed his lip before making a decision. "Fuck it." He muttered, climbing to his feet and transforming into a dog.

"...Alastor's going to deal with the luggage: oh, for heaven's sake, Sirius, Dumbledore said no!" A bear-like black dog had appeared at Harry's side as he was clambering over the various trunks cluttering the hall to get to Mrs Weasley. "Oh honestly..." said Mrs Weasley despairingly. "Well, on your own head be it!"

The air hit Sirius' fur and he couldn't stop himself from gambolling around, chasing his own tail and barking delightedly at the sights, sounds and wonderful, wonderful fresh air! He was free of the stinking, mouldering house! He entertained Harry by chasing some cats and pigeons, loving his laughter as he barked. He ran ahead of Molly and Tonks, tongue lolling and head bent as he sniffed the ground.

At the station he felt a vague kind of nostalgia as his eyes landed on the great red steam train that belched steam into the air. When it was time for the children to board the train, Sirius rose up on his hind legs as he gazed into Harry's eyes, trying to convey every human emotion he had ever felt about him, but Molly told him off and he fell back as they climbed on board. Sirius desperately wanted to join them, even as he ran alongside it as it left the platform...

When it was out of sight he sat down, tipped his head back and howled.

On the way back to Grimmauld place he turned to Remus, grabbing his robes in his teeth and pulling them gently, growling slightly. Remus understood what he wanted and followed him away from Molly and the others who called after them. "It's alright, Molly, I'll make sure he doesn't get into trouble." Remus called over his shoulder as he followed the big black dog. He had to run to keep up with Sirius, he vaulted a gate that led to an old graveyard and when he had woven through the grave stones he found Sirius standing, in human form, before a massive crypt. "Sirius! This dangerous!" He panted as he came to a halt beside his friend.

Sirius turned to him, silver eyes shining as the wind whipped his hair around his face, he absently tucked some strands behind his ear. "This place is protected, only a Black can enter and bring someone within the barrier." He said with a small shrug. "We're invisible to passersby."

"Still..." Remus straightened and looked up to read the Latin inscription. "This is..."

"My family's tomb, yeah." Sirius gazed at the door, guarded by two pillars with snakes curling up them, their mouths open as if ready to strike. After a moment he tore his eyes away and began searching the ground for something, then he saw it, a little patch of grass, raised in a small mound. He knelt and began digging with his hands, Remus watched in confused silence. Finally he had dug a small hole and Remus leaned closer, he saw the glint of tarnished silver as Sirius brought out a box. His fingers were covered in dirt and as he wiped hair from his eyes he smeared some of it across his forehead. "This is...something I buried after James' death. I..."

Remus looked at him and felt his heart ache. "You were planning on dying that day, weren't you?" He said softly, joining Sirius on his knees.

"Yeah...I was. I buried this here because...well, because I wanted to keep them safe." He tapped the box with his wand and it sprang open revealing its contents. Remus watched as Sirius removed photographs, letters and a silver necklace.

"Pethro..." Remus muttered as he drew out the necklace with a rune dangling from it.

"The Rune of fate and Destiny." Sirius said, smiling slightly. "I remember the day you gave me that..."

Remus turned to him, lifting the necklace up. "It was my mothers, given to her by my father...it's...kind of the closest thing to an heirloom as my family have. I gave it to you because..."

Sirius took it from him, slipping it over his head and tucking it beneath his robes. He leaned forward, kissing Remus on the lips. "And it _is _Destiny." He said quietly.

"You laughed at me when I said that." Remus raised an eyebrow and Sirius laughed.

"That was before I realised how much you meant to me..."

"All this time you..." Remus didn't get to finish as he felt Sirius' lips meet his in a demanding kiss.

Back inside Grimmauld place Sirius gazed down at the photograph as he sat in the quiet kitchen, the bottle of Firewhisky clutched in his trembling hand. He lifted it to his lips, taking a deep gulp before placing it back down. The Photo showed James and Lily in the back garden of their quaint little home, a small boy zooming around on his broomstick and giggling. James was smiling, chasing the boy around to try and stop him from damaging himself, Lily laughed happily as she oversaw her husband and son playing. Sirius watched them, eternally young, eternally stuck in that one, vividly happy moment...eternally gone from his life. He slammed the bottle down, sloshing the liquid within. "You left me..." He rasped to himself. "You left me here...to live without you is almost useless..." He covered his eyes with one shaking hand. Remus was out with the werewolves, Molly and the others had returned to the Burrow temporarily and so Sirius was alone. Without James he was doomed to float through space, like a comet with no gravitational pull to drag him back down. He watched James laughing...and he wanted to join him. He wanted to end it all, just so he could be with him again.

Remus returned, stumbling slightly on the top step as he struggled to remove his wand from the pocket of his torn robes, he was bleeding heavily...great dark stains soaking slowly into the worn material. He tapped the door and heard the familiar clicks and entered the hall, closing the door softly, with a wince he leaned against it, gasping quietly. His hand clutched at his side and when he opened his eyes he gazed down the dark corridor, pushing himself away from the wall he stumbled down the steps and into the kitchen...which he took to be empty at first. Then he spotted Sirius curled up in a corner, silver eyes hidden behind his hair until he slowly lifted his head. Remus gazed around and saw shattered glass, the room stank of alcohol and he sighed heavily before falling into a seat. "Are you drunk?" he muttered, pulling his robes away from the wound in his side.

Sirius smelt the blood and stood shakily, he stumbled over and sat down before Remus, his silver eyes were dark and dead as he gazed at the wound. "You hurt?" He muttered softly.

"It's nothing...a scratch." Remus replied, hating seeing Sirius so defeated.

"Tha's a lot of blood..." He said, withdrawing his wand. "Can I...?"

"No." Remus shook his head, pushing Sirius' wand away roughly. "I'll do it." He healed himself with soft mutter, wincing as the flesh knit itself back together. Once done he gazed at the half full bottle of Firewhisky, unable to meet Sirius' gaze. "Stop it." He muttered, failing to hide the pain in his voice.

"Stop what?" Sirius replied, blinking at Remus slowly.

"Stop trying to kill yourself." Remus grabbed the bottle, finishing it off in one gulp and a small wince. "I hate it." There was the flash of the wolf behind his eyes as he finally looked at Sirius. "You are destroying yourself...and It's not just me who is hurt by it. Think about Harry!"

Sirius flinched slightly, giving Remus a half hearted glare. "I'm not..."

"You are!" Remus stood up suddenly, ignoring the way his vision wavered as anger swept through him. "I have been watching you! You sit around, like there's a dark cloud of misery surrounding you! Think about this! Harry needs you! I..._I_ NEED YOU!" He took a shuddery breath and turned his back on his lover, unable to see the hurt in his eyes. "Merlin! Why do things always come down to this?"

"Remus..."

"No...Sirius...stop." Remus closed his eyes tightly, rubbing his temples as a headache began to encroach. "I've had...a hard night."

"'M sorry..." Sirius sounded broken, his voice rough and cracked as he shifted in his chair.

"While you drown yourself in drink, Harry is probably having a hard time at school...have you even been reading the Prophet?"

"No...what's the point? All it is is lies...lies and pointless shit."

"The new DADA teacher is a woman from the Ministry..." Remus muttered as he turned around to see Sirius looking up at him, he looked almost childlike and it tore at Remus' heart but he held firm. "Dolores Jane Umbridge."

Sirius frowned slowly. "Wha' the woman who pushed through that legsi-legislation on Werewolves?"

"Yes." Remus' eyes flashed dangerously. If there was one thing that made him truly angry it was Umbridge.

"Wha's wrong with that? She's a jumped up cow..."

"What is _wrong_, Sirius, is that she is interfering in Hogwarts! If you had deigned to attend any meetings recently you would know that she will be spying for Fudge!" Remus hissed the words through his teeth, his fingers in fists at his sides. "She will make Harry's school life harder than it already is! He needs our support! Why can't you, for once in your life, put someone else before yourself?"

Sirius shook his head slowly, laughing to himself, but his laugh was horrible, it was cold and humourless. "What use am I?" He snapped suddenly, eyes narrowing as colour drained from his face making him look like a corpse. "I can't even leave this godforsaken shit hole! How am I supposed to be any help to Harry whatsoever? I am stuck! Stuck behind walls filled with her fucking screams! All I can hear in my head are insults! All I can feel is the pain they caused me! I hate it! I hate it here!" He was stood up, swaying slightly as his eyes glittered behind his fringe.

"You can help Harry by dragging yourself up and being there for him! He needs you, Sirius! He has no one else!" Remus snapped back, just as angrily.

"Harry is fine! He can look after himself..." Sirius replied.

"What? He's fifteen years old, Sirius!" Remus' eyes widened incredulously.

"Yeah, and he has dealt with more than anyone else here!" Sirius' voice rose slowly, echoing around the kitchen. "I was fifteen when my mother first used the cruciatus cruse on me! I was fifteen when my father broke my jaw! I was fifteen when they locked me in my room for nearly the whole summer with only the odd glass of water! I WAS FIFTEEN WHEN MY FATHER HANDED ME OVER TO DEATH EATERS...!" He took a sharp breath, eyes clouding with painful memories.

Remus' face softened. "I...I had no idea..."

"No...no you wouldn't. Because I never told anyone." Sirius turned his back, his shoulders shaking. "I'm sorry...I...I know I've been irresponsible but I..."

"Sirius...I should be the one apologising. I didn't mean to..."

"Doesn't matter...just..." He sighed heavily. "I want Harry to know the things I only had a taste of, Remus. I want him to be safe, to be happy...to never know what true pain is...but I can't! We can't protect him forever! He's got...got such an awful, terrible burden placed on him and at the end of the day none of us can help him...he's got to walk that dark path alone! And I hate it! I hate it because I can't do anything...I can't walk that path for him!"

Remus moved closer, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder and turning him around so he could pull him into an embrace. "I know...I understand Sirius...but...you have to remember, Harry isn't James."

Sirius flinched but said nothing, he closed his eyes tightly and saw James' face so vividly it was painful. "James..." He whispered into Remus' robes.


	26. Chapter TwentySix: Heartache

_**A/N: Another chapter, but, contrary to the title it DOES have a little bit of happiness in their! :) I felt I needed to lighten the mood, just a tad...in preparation for what is to come. :O**_

Chapter Twenty-Six: Heartache

The smoke hung heavily in the air as Sirius sat before a nearly full ashtray and gazed blankly at the wall. He had a glass of whisky before him and a cigarette dangled from his lips as he slumped low in his seat. He should have been used to being alone, but he wasn't...he had become too used to having people around him, he missed the laughter, the company...being inside his own head for hours on end was torture worse than anything the Dementors could do to him. He crushed his cigarette out and lit another with a match. He didn't want to see that figure hiding in the smoke, he didn't want to see him...because he saw him every time he closed his eyes, he saw him in his dreams, in his head...and it was destroying him. His soul, already ragged and dirty, was shredding itself to pieces and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He was now firmly trapped, with no chance of escaping. He remembered so clearly Dumbledore's fury when he had discovered that he had gone to see Harry off at the station.

"_What were you thinking, Sirius?"_

_Sirius sat in the chair looking defiant. "I needed to get out for a breath of fresh air!" he replied._

"_You have endangered not only yourself, but the whole Order!" Dumbledore threw a copy of the Daily prophet onto the table. _

_Sirius looked down at it before glancing up at Dumbledore, gingerly he took it and scanned the page it had opened on. He let out a sharp bark of laughter and threw it down. "Come on, Albus, they're always speculating where I am! It's not as if they know the location!"_

"_This is a very serious matter, Sirius. If you had been caught..."_

"_But I wasn't, was I?" Sirius insisted. "I'm fine."_

"_But you will not continue to remain so if you insist on leaving this house. I am saying this for your own benefit; Do not leave the protection of these walls."_

_With that he had swept from the room leaving Sirius glaring furiously into the empty fire grate._

Suddenly he stood and threw the bottle into the fireplace, it smashed into glittering fragments as Sirius fell back into his chair. He had no idea how much more of it he could take...his mind, already shattered by his time in Azkaban was wavering. He could feel the cracks staring to show and not even when he spent time alone with Remus could prevent the feeling that he was losing it.

"Alone again, Black?"

Sirius didn't bother looking up. "What do you want, Snivellus?" He hissed through his teeth.

"I have come to give you a message from the Headmaster."

"Out with it then." Sirius snapped, his fury rising so fast it almost left him breathless.

"He reminds you to stay put and not to do anything reckless...but of course, his orders mean little to you..."

"Oh stop it!" Sirius said, finally looking up at the man he had hated since he was eleven years old. "Go back to playing with your chemistry set, Snivelly! And take your greasy, pointy nose elsewhere."

"Childish, as usual, Black." Snape hissed softly. "I would have thought that Azkaban would have trained that pathetic sense of humour out of you."

Sirius stood slowly, his whole body shaking with fury. "Don't...don't you dare speak about things you will never understand!"

Snape raised an eyebrow disdainfully. "I understand perfectly. You are a useless waste of space, wallowing in your self-pity and memories while people around you are working hard to fight off the darkness! I understand."

"You know nothing! Nothing about me! You will never understand what is was like to see your best friend lying dead before you...to know that he'll never smile, never laugh, never look at you again! You never had any friends!"

Snape's face twisted, he looked ready to explode, yet his voice grew softer, more deadly with each carefully enunciated word. "I understand what it is like, you imbecile! Do not pretend to understand me! I have grieved, I have lost, I have lo..." he stopped and took a slow breath. "I am wasting my time." He turned, but paused when his eyes landed on the photograph of Lily and James. Sirius watched his expression change to something...something that looked like he was in deep pain. The silence was horrible but finally Snape turned away and walked out of the kitchen leaving Sirius alone, again.

Remus stepped in through the door, only to find himself face to face with Severus. "Oh!" he said in surprise. "Hel-..."

"I am leaving." Severus stormed past him and out into the cool air. Remus blinked after him and shook his head slowly before closing the door and reactivating the enchanted locks.

Sirius stood by the fireplace, the cold hardly affecting him as he gazed into the flames Remus had lit when he had entered. They were silent, Remus watching Sirius tearing himself apart before his very eyes, he couldn't help him. He was useless in the face of his imprisonment. He could only offer his shoulder for support, he could only watch as his best friend, his lover, fell apart once again.

Sirius shivered absently, the flames causing shadows to flicker across his face and making him look gaunt and hollow like a corpse. Dark shadows surrounded his eyes and his lips were too pale, his face too thin, his eyes like dark caves of endless night. There could be no light without James.

Finally Remus stood, his legs taking him to Sirius' side where he pulled him close, pressing his forehead to his and whispering. "I love you. I love you. I love you." He repeated it over and over until he felt hot liquid splashing his hands that held Sirius' head still, he opened his eyes and saw Sirius gazing at him and weeping silently.

"Remus...I..." Sirius' voice cracked and he closed his eyes tightly, one hand holding Remus'. "I can't do this anymore..." He gasped softly. "I...It's killing me! I can't..."

"It's alright. I'm here for you...I always will be! I promise."

Sirius shook his head, swallowing the lump in his throat. "No...no you won't be..." he stepped backwards, gazing at Remus through his hair, his chest hitching painfully. "B-Because...if you stay...if you stay with me...I-I'll drag you down with me. You deserve better, Remus."

Remus felt his breath leave him as his heart stopped in his chest, his eyes widened slowly. "S-Sirius?"

"I mean it. I'm bad for you...we should never have...we can't...Remus..." He stepped backwards again. "I'm...s-so sorry..."

"Sirius..." Remus found he was unable to speak, his chest burned painfully and he reached out, only to snatch his hand back and gaze into those silver eyes. "Please..." he whispered, his voice breaking along with his heart. "Don't do this..."

"I have to." Sirius replied softly. "You know I have to."

"No." Remus shook his head sharply. "No...you don't."

Sirius couldn't look at him, he turned around. He knew he should never have begun it in the first place, he knew that the relationship would lead to this point, he also knew...somehow he was certain that he wouldn't survive this war. But he couldn't bring himself to explain this to Remus, he didn't want to see the fear in his eyes, because he had promised...he had promised not to die before Remus...

"I-I..." Remus fell into a seat, his face white as a sheet as he gazed blankly at Sirius' back. "Why?" He gasped finally.

"Because..." Sirius took a deep breath. "Because I'll destroy you. I...I know...how you feel and I...I am happy...that you can say those words with such ease. But I...We...can't keep on like this."

"I can't live without you." Remus said quickly. "Please..."

Sirius flinched. "You can and you will." He said firmly slowly turning around, when his eyes met those beautiful brown ones he wished he hadn't, because Remus looked as if he'd just been stabbed and he felt his resolution waver. He stepped forward and hesitated. "Find...find someone who you can love...and not love like me. What we have is unhealthy! Don't you see that?" He protested weakly. "You need something pure and real..."

"This _is_ real!" Remus snapped, jumping to his feet. "I have never felt this way about anyone else before! It feels so good it hurts! Sirius...don't do this!"

"Remus..." Sirius breathed the name, speaking it like a prayer and before they knew what was happening they were kissing. Remus slammed Sirius into the wall, his hands gripping his hair tightly.

"Don't! Don't you fucking dare leave me!" Remus gasped against Sirius' lips. "You want to destroy me? Go ahead! I don't care...I don't! If you're going to burn, let me burn with you! Drag me into your darkness and I'll follow! Die and I will follow you past the veil! You _can't_ get rid of me!"

Sirius felt his heart beat skip in his chest, he half opened his eyes and gazed into Remus' determined ones. He lifted his hand, shoving fingers into his hair. "You are a fool." He muttered.

Remus' smile was lopsided. "Well, that makes you doubly one."

Sirius laughed, he couldn't help himself. He threw his head back and laughed a loud bark and Remus couldn't stop his smile from spreading. Remus felt his stomach jolt pleasantly when he saw Sirius' smile, it made him look ten years younger and more handsome than he ever had before. He couldn't stop himself from feeling that warm, bubbling joy from overflowing as he kissed Sirius deeply. They were smiling against each other's lips, soft moans escaping them every now and again and their arms firmly around each other...

"Heh-hem..."

Sirius jumped, eyes flying wide as he pushed Remus back and they turned to the door. A girl stood there with wide eyes and long dark hair, her robes were soft grey and her shock palpable. "Oh..." Sirius muttered. "Tonks..."

"H-hello..." Remus muttered, trying to avoid her gaze. "I-erm...I can...um...explain...i mean..."

"Bollocks." Sirius said.

"Yes, Bollocks would sum this situation up perfectly." Remus sighed, closing his eyes.

Tonks' face was white. Her mouth opening and closing slowly, as if she was trying to speak but words failed her. Her eyes sparkled oddly in the light as they moved from Sirius to Remus and back again...and slowly Sirius felt realisation hit him like a ten tonne house. He cursed softly. "Nymphadora..." he stepped forward but she stepped back. "Please...listen I..."

"No!" She muttered, trying to cover the waver in her voice. Her wide eyes moved to Remus and Sirius followed her gaze, biting hard on his lip. "I-I...I g-got here early t-to...say...hi..."

Remus watched Sirius with a small frown, why was Sirius acting odd? He had seen the dawning realisation in those silver depths but he didn't understand what he had noticed. Tonks was obviously shocked, who wouldn't be when they walked into a room to find two fully grown men kissing furiously like a pair of horny teenagers?

"I'm sorry." Sirius said softly, a gentleness in his voice that Remus rarely heard. "Really, 'Dora, I'm truly sorry..."

Tonks smiled weakly, "Oh...no...there's no need to...I mean...I...was just shocked." Her voice was unsteady and Sirius could see the pain her eyes. He sighed heavily but before he could speak again they heard the distinctive sounds of people in the hall and Tonks had moved away, knocking over a chair in the process.

Throughout the meeting Sirius was fidgety, his eyes flicking from Tonks to Remus and back again. He had no idea what to do, now he knew that his cousin had feelings for his lover he felt guilty...guilty and slightly worried. Would Remus leave him for Tonks if he discovered her feelings? Would he want to have a normal relationship with a girl? Sirius tried to fight away these thoughts but it was useless. When he saw them together he could imagine it perfectly, a happy, normal couple...they could have a family, they could grow old together and have grandchildren and...and Sirius would never be able to provide any of these things for Remus. Sirius had never been interested in family, it was an alien concept for him, his only family had been the Potter's.

Remus couldn't understand why Sirius was acting strangely. Ever since Tonks had found them kissing Sirius was withdrawn, his eyes wary whenever his cousin was around, they became oddly dark when he spoke to Tonks and while the girl acted normally there was an air of disappointment surrounding her that made Remus suspicious. He tried to ignore the odd nagging sensation in the back of his mind but it wouldn't leave him alone. When he lay in Sirius' bed at night, listening to his lover's soft breathing he frowned as the nagging became an idea...an idea that terrified him. Was Tonks developing feelings for Sirius? He couldn't believe it, but it wasn't entirely implausible. Sirius was handsome, he was tall, had beautifully defined features and a face that had broken the hearts of many unsuspecting girls at Hogwarts, even before he turned thirteen. Then his mind began to wander if Sirius would perhaps be interested in Tonks...he ignored the fact that they were related, Sirius' own parents had been first cousins, so it was not beyond the realms of possibility. But that thought hurt him. It was agony to even consider it...but Sirius had been trying to break off their relationship, right before Tonks had walked in...He closed his eyes tightly and gritted his teeth, scrubbing hands over his face as he wished suddenly that Love could be easy.

"We need to talk." Remus said suddenly, his hand resting on the arm of the chair. They were sat in the drawing room, although the room still smelt slightly of disinfectant it was warmer than the kitchen.

Sirius looked sideways at him, over the lip of his glass of whiskey. "If this is about Tonks..."

Remus shook his head slightly. "No...no it's...about you..."

"Me?" Sirius turned to him, his eyes reflecting fire.

"Yes." Remus sighed heavily. "I'm worried about you...you're about to do something reckless and I..."

"Me? Reckless? Never..." Sirius smirked, but it didn't ease Remus' worried expression. "Look, I'm bored...i'm bored...and sick of this place. I want to get out...I _need_ to get out...but I'm not stupid enough to defy orders again. Alright?"

Remus bit his lip but nodded, allowing the subject to drop, he still felt worried. Sirius was acting strange and he didn't like it. It was worrying him to no end, the more time he spent away from the house, the more time he spent out of Sirius' company...he had the inexplicable feeling that Sirius was going to do something dangerous...simply for the thrill. He gazed into the fire and sighed.

"I've been dreaming lately..." Sirius said quietly, gazing into the bottom of his drink with a small frown.

Remus looked up, but said nothing.

"In them...In them I see him." He closed his eyes. "I see James, he's there...right in front of me, and he's holding out his arms, welcoming me...and...and it's like I've come home. But then...then I wake up..." He downed his drink, throwing the glass into the flames which roared as they tasted the flammable liquid.

"At this rate you'll run out of glasses." Remus muttered absently, he didn't like that, the dream sounded too much like...but no, he couldn't even entertain the idea. He took a shaky breath as he wandered why he could feel Sirius slipping through his fingers. He could almost feel them falling apart and he should have been able to fix it, he should have been able to stop Sirius from flying away from him...but he couldn't. Sirius seemed so distant, so far away that Remus knew, with a sudden, awful certainty that he was losing him and it was like a curse to the heart...he shuddered violently, wrapping his arms around himself and bowing his head. "Don't leave me..." He whispered softly, almost too softly to hear over the roar of the flames. "I can't live without you..."

Sirius said nothing. He gazed into the fire, only seeing a darkness there that obscured everything good and wholesome and twisted it into something terrible and evil...something so destructive he couldn't even comprehend it anymore. "He told me...before he died...he told me to let it in...he told me to love you..."

Remus looked up, blinking slowly. Sirius looked half dead already, and the thought made him shiver again.

"James, he told me to go home to you, and I did. I went home to tell you..." Sirius finally looked away from the firelight. "But you weren't there."

Remus couldn't do anything but stare, he was lost in those dark pits that had taken over Sirius' eyes.

"You weren't there and I...I didn't go back to James' because I couldn't face him...and If I'd stayed...If I'd stayed there then..." He trailed off into silence and turned back to the fire.

"What...what did you want to tell me?" Remus asked softly.

"It doesn't matter anymore, does it?" Sirius whispered roughly. "It never really did matter...because in the end, I'm poisonous. I fuck up everything I touch..."

They fell into silence. There was nothing either of them could say anymore...because it had all been said already. All the years that separated them seemed to stretch before their eyes, all those years when they had hated, when they had let their love turn into something so dark, so terrible that it was unrecognisable to either of them...and yet, they were unable to let each other go. The time for farewells was passed and they could only clutch desperately at the dregs of their relationship, hoping that somehow, some way it would fix itself.

Sirius couldn't help himself, his smile broke free and he began laughing. Mundungus looked confused and Remus felt the first smile on his face that he had worn in a while. "And I told him he wasn't like his Dad!" Sirius said gleefully. "Fancy that...starting a Defence class right under the ministry's nose! Absolutely brilliant!"

"Brilliant but dangerous, Sirius." Remus said quietly.

"Ah, don't spoil this for me." Sirius smiled.

"I'm not, I'm just saying that if they're caught they will be risking more than expulsion..."

"Remus, I'd say that comes under the heading of spoiling." Sirius said with a small pout. Remus shook his head.

"I'm worried, what if the ministry find out..."

"They won't! Plus, Dumbledore's there, he's not going to let Harry go down for this." Sirius spoke with confidence and Remus wasn't in the mood to dampen his spirits, but he still had a nagging worry that something terrible was going to happen.

As Christmas drew closer Sirius seemed to sink back into himself, especially when he discovered that Harry would had been invited to the Burrow, he was certain that he would rather be there than stuck in a miserable house with an increasingly miserable occupant.

He gazed out the window, across the snow spattered streets and flung the window open to allow the freezing air to fill the room. Sirius took in a deep lungful of it and smiled slightly.

"Mmm...Sirius...close the damn window! It's freezing!" Remus muttered, rolling himself up in the blankets so he had his back to Sirius who stood by the window, head cocked to one side curiously as he watched Remus try and fall back to sleep. His grin widened and he jumped. "Arrrrrg!" Remus fell out of bed, the sheets tangling around him as he hit the floor with a strangled yell.

Sirius knelt on the bed laughing raucously. "Y-Your face!" He gasped.

Remus untangled himself and gazed up at Sirius looking thoroughly disgruntled. "And now you start acting like a child! Right...Two can play at that game..." He stood up, retrieving his wand from the bedside table and waving it. Snow entered the room, balling itself up as it flew at Sirius, hitting him in the face and making him gasp and giggle. He jumped on the bed, leaning over Sirius and taking full advantage of his fit of giggles by attacking his neck with his lips. He revelled in the sharp laughter coming from Sirius as he tried to push him off, his hands slid over his damp skin, threading into his hair and dragging his lips to his. Thrills shot through his body as Sirius responded, smiling into it and pushing himself onto his elbows. It was like an electrical current had connected them and they sank themselves into the kiss, drowning themselves in the joy. Remus wandered briefly if the exquisite feelings Sirius was stirring within him shouldn't be made illegal...because surely there was something very bad about something that felt so very, very right. Finally they had to draw away to breathe, they grinned at each other, Sirius had the look of a puppy that had been caught chewing the furniture. "Now..._this_ is what it should be." Remus whispered, feeling Sirius's tongue glide across his lips, trying to draw him into another slow, warm, beautifully breath taking kiss. Sirius giggled into the kiss, unable to help himself as he sat up, pushing his fingers into Remus' hair and deepening it, his tongue exploring every inch of Remus' mouth. As they drew away again, Remus muttered into his hair; "This should be illegal."

Sirius smiled. "I'd be perfectly happy to risk Azkaban again for this, Moony."

"Why can't it be like this forever...?" Remus asked softly.

"Because...life gets in the way." Sirius replied, his smile falling slightly as he ran his hand down Remus' chest and making him shiver. "But, there's no reason we can't enjoy these moments..."

Remus smiled and kissed him again, pushing him back into the bed and pinning him down as their fingers entwined. "Love me..." he muttered, gazing into Sirius' eyes. Sirius simply looked at him, his eyes sparkling in the early morning light, surrounded by the fresh cold air and the scent of snow that drifted into the room, filling it with beauty and a warmth that made Remus' skin tingle pleasantly. He realised, suddenly, that he had Sirius' answer...he had known it all along. Slowly his smile widened. "I never did need your answer." He muttered, bending down and kissing him. It was all in the way Sirius responded to him, the way his hands slid down his bare back, the way his tongue met his in a fierce battle for dominance that they took in turns to lose...it was in the way his eyes sparkled and the way he smiled into the kisses.

Sirius' teeth bit down into Remus' shoulder, he panted heavily as he moved inside Remus, hearing his mates heavy groans, revelling in the wonderful way his body moved with his. They fit perfectly, it was mornings like these that kept Sirius going...after long bouts of depression, he would open his eyes and find him there, warm eyes gazing into his own and soft hands as pink light streamed through the window. In these brief moments they were one, the future, the darkness that haunted them...nothing mattered. It was the only thing keeping them from spiralling and destroying themselves. When they came they did so with their mouths locked, their fingers gripping each other tightly and their eyes closed.

Sirius lay still for a while, watching the sun creep further into the sky finally he lifted his head. "Should we get up?" he asked softly, trailing fingers lightly down Remus' chest.

"I suppose we really should..." Remus smiled lazily as he dragged Sirius' lips to his and they shared one last kiss before dressing and going down stairs, fingers locked together as if they were afraid to let go.

It took them a ridiculous amount of time to reach the kitchen as they kept pausing on the way down to share brief, heart stopping kisses. They broke apart to continue walking, Sirius grinning like a fool. When they reached the kitchen door, Remus slammed Sirius against it, his hands pinning Sirius' to the thick wood as he growled low in his throat and saw that slow, sexy smile rise to Sirius' face. "I say, are you trying to tell me you want to fuck in the kitchen...not very hygienic...is it?"

Remus opened his mouth to answer but they heard a noise in the kitchen and froze. Was someone in the house with them? Had they heard...? The questions were reflected in both sets of eyes as they pulled apart and Sirius turned the handle slowly, the door swung open to reveal Kreacher wandering around and muttering to himself. Sirius sighed in relief and grinned over his shoulder at Remus who chuckled.

That night Remus had to leave, the full moon was approaching. Sirius said a long, passionate farewell at the door, their lips locked together, their hands delved deep into each other's hair. Finally they broke apart, Remus pressed his forehead against Sirius' a small smile on his lips. "I won't be gone long...a few days."

"Be careful." Sirius whispered, feeling like the world's biggest hypocrite. Remus simply laughed as he drew away, leaving a lingering kiss on Sirius' forehead before opening the door. Sirius had a last glimpse of the street before it closed again and he was left alone.

He sat in the kitchen, a glass of hard whisky in his hand as he gazed at the fireplace. And then, from somewhere high above him he heard someone calling, he jumped slightly, blinking in shock before rising and moving into the hallway.

"Sirius!"

He frowned, recognising the voice as he took the stairs two at a time until he was on the landing and stood before the door to the bedroom Harry had been using. He opened the door and saw Phineas Nigellus looking irritable. "What?" Sirius asked frowning.

"The headmaster has bid me tell you that Arthur Weasley has been gravely injured..." He looked bored as he spoke with disdain in his eyes as he looked at Sirius. "And you are to expect his wife, children and Harry Potter to arrive shortly. Is that clear?"

Sirius grinned, although he was pretty sure that he shouldn't be so happy in such a grave situation, he just couldn't help himself. "I'd be delighted!" he said.

Phineas sneered, "Good..." he said without much enthusiasm before sidling out of the blank canvas.

He returned to the kitchen, stowing away his alcohol, he didn't want Harry to think badly of him. He sat down and waited, ignoring Kreacher as he crept into the room. Suddenly there was a loud clatter...

"Back again, the blood-traitor brats. Is it true their father's dying?"

Sirius turned on the elf, fury sweeping through him. "OUT!" He shouted.

After the brief argument with the twins everyone was silent as they sat around, drinking. Sirius felt the tension in his shoulders, in the back of his neck where it always sat in moments like these. He sipped his butterbeer wandering, hoping that Arthur was alright, that he was going to make it. He watched Harry, whose hand was shaking as he stared at the table, seemingly unable to look at anyone else. Sirius felt a huge upsurge of pity for him, he knew what it was like to watch people he cared about be hurt...and he hated that Harry had to experience it.

Sirius knew that waiting was the worst, but he still hated it. No matter what the news at the end of it would be, waiting was defiantly worse than knowing. Finally, after what seemed like forever Mrs Weasley returned to tell them Arthur was alive and sleeping, Bill was at his side. Sirius felt the rush of relief, a feeling he could never get used to, during the last war it had always been bad news...

He decided to extract himself from the Weasley's happiness so that he didn't have to intrude any longer when Molly came over to them, embracing Harry.

'Oh, Sirius, I'm so grateful, they think he'll be there a little while and it would be wonderful to be nearer, of course, that might mean we're here for Christmas."

"The more the merrier!" said Sirius with desperate sincerity and Mrs Weasley beamed at him, threw on an apron and began to help with breakfast.

"Sirius," Harry muttered, and Sirius looked at him questioningly. "Can I have a quick word? Er - now?" He walked into the dark pantry and Sirius followed. Without preamble, Harry told his godfather every detail of the vision he had had, including the fact that he himself had been the snake who had attacked Mr Weasley.

When he paused for breath, Sirius said, "Did you tell Dumbledore this?" He was worried, what Harry was telling him simply wasn't normal. No magic existed, as far as Sirius was aware, that enabled someone to view things that were happening miles and miles away as if they were there.

"Yes," said Harry impatiently, "but he didn't tell me what it meant. Well, he doesn't tell me anything anymore. '

'I'm sure he would have told you if it was anything to worry about, ' said Sirius steadily, hoping he hid his nervousness from the boy. He was obviously worried, and he didn't want to make it worse.

"But that's not all, ' said Harry, in a voice only a little above a whisper. "Sirius, I...I think I'm going mad. Back in Dumbledore's office, just before we took the Portkey...for a couple of seconds there I thought I was a snake, I felt like one - my scar really hurt when I was looking at Dumbledore - Sirius, I wanted to attack him!"

Sirius was glad of the darkness, he must have gone pale as he felt all the blood drain from his face. Hadn't Dumbledore warned them that his mental connection to the Dark Lord could, potentially, get stronger? "It must have been the aftermath of the vision, that's all," said Sirius. 'You were still thinking of the dream or whatever it was and -'

'It wasn't that, ' said Harry, shaking his head, 'it was like something rose up inside me, like there's a snake inside me."

'You need to sleep, ' said Sirius firmly. 'You're going to have breakfast, then go upstairs to bed, and after lunch you can go and see Arthur with the others. You're in shock, Harry; you're blaming yourself for something you only witnessed, and it's lucky you did witness it or Arthur might have died. Just stop worrying. 'He clapped Harry on the shoulder and left the pantry, leaving Harry standing alone in the dark. He couldn't help feeling like Harry was in more danger than even Dumbledore had guessed...


	27. Chapter TwentySeven:Christmas

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Christmas

Sirius hadn't seen Harry since he had returned from the Hospital. He began to worry, but as Christmas drew closer he couldn't help feeling that wonderful tingly sensation of 'the Christmas spirit' easing back his own darkness. He would not, after all, be spending time alone on Christmas day and the thought cheered him up so much he walked around the house, singing carols and decorating.

_Deck the halls with boughs of holly,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<br>Tis the season to be jolly,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la. <em> _  
>Don we now our gay apparel,<br>Fa la la, la la la, la la la.  
>Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,<br>Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the blazing Yule before us,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<br>Strike the harp and join the chorus.  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<p>

Follow me in merry measure,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<br>While I tell of Yule tide treasure,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<p>

Fast away the old year passes,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<br>Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<p>_

_Sing we joyous, all together,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la.<br>Heedless of the wind and weather,  
>Fa la la la la, la la la la. <em>

By the time they were finished on Christmas Eve he gazed around at the decorations with a big grin on his face, Remus stood at his side. "It looks impossibly different! The Christmas hats suit the elf heads..." he said with a smirk.

Sirius laughed, pulling Remus to the kitchen. "Well, now the kids are in bed, this means drinks!" He exclaimed delightedly. "And I'm glad Harry seems to be feeling better..."

"Yes, after what he witnessed..." Remus trailed off as Sirius shoved a drink into his hands, giving him a brief kiss on the lips before pulling away. He followed Sirius' gaze upwards and saw Mistletoe above their heads. "Ah...I see..."

"Merry Christmas, Moony." He whispered, clinking their glasses together and deepening the kiss.

"Well! I'm glad that's over..." Molly exclaimed as she entered the kitchen. She froze mid sentence, her eyes wide as she gazed at the pair in front of her. "Oh! Oh my!" She backed away.

"Molly!" Remus jerked backwards, his face crimson as he spun around, eyes as large as saucers.

Sirius turned away, Remus heard his chuckle and kicked him in the leg.

"Well...I...I'm sorry! I-I'll...just um...go...then..." Molly turned around.

"Please, you don't...you don't have to. We didn't mean for you to see..."

"No dear...it...it really doesn't matter...Honestly..." Molly's face was slightly pale but she just looked shocked. "In all honesty, I expected something like this."

"What's that mean?" Sirius turned around, he looked slightly hurt.

"Well...i mean...neither of you have girlfriends and I..." She trailed off as Sirius smiled.

"I had loads of girlfriends in school!"

Remus just groaned, slumping into a seat. "This is just getting worse and worse."

"Cheer up Moony, it's Christmas." Sirius replied cheerfully, seemingly unaffected by the fact that Molly now knew their secret.

"Oh, but Dumbledore will be pleased! He's always saying how important love is, especially in times such as these." Molly beamed at them.

"Uh...just...just don't tell Harry." Sirius said suddenly. "I don't think he needs to know...It's just a bit...complicated."

"I understand dear." Molly winked. "Now then, I shall leave you to it." With that she left them alone.

"Great...now they think I'm gay." Remus sighed, polishing off his drink and letting Sirius re-fill his glass.

"It's not that bad, is it?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I mean, to have the most handsome bloke in London as your lover should be something to celebrate."

Remus chuckled weakly. "If you say so, Sirius." He looked up and saw Sirius rummaging in a bag sitting in the corner, he blinked in confusion as he saw him stand up with Christmas hats held in his hands. He put one on Remus' hair and shoved the other on his head, grinning and laughing. "Thanks..."

"See, a Christmas hat solves all problems!"

With a loud laugh Remus stood and pulled Sirius towards him, kissing him slowly beneath the mistletoe. "Merry Christmas, Padfoot." He whispered as he pulled away.

Remus woke to Sirius singing, loudly, again. He chuckled softly, pulling Sirius' pillow towards him as Sirius entered the bedroom from the bathroom after calling a cheery Merry Christmas to someone. He leapt onto the bed and shoved a wrapped parcel at Remus who looked down at it. "Merry Christmas, Moonykins!" He said with a grin, looking like an excitable child. Remus opened the package and discovered an ornate silver frame, in which was a photograph of three boys, all in their pyjama's and sat on a bed, grinning at the camera. James and Sirius had their arms around each other, wearing Santa Clause hats and seemed to be trying to choke each other while Remus looked inexplicably happy to be included. He gazed down at it, remembering that Christmas. He looked up and saw Sirius looking slightly nervous. "You...do you like it?" He asked. "I found it, when I was clearing out my desk and I..." He was cut off as Remus kissed him, he smiled into it and wrapped his arms tightly around Remus' neck.

"How can I not love it? It's our memories...it's James..." Remus said as he pulled away. "Thank you."

Sirius' smile softened as he gazed down at the picture. "We fell asleep in the same bed that night...all in heap."

"It was such a long time ago..."

"Second year, I believe." Sirius looked into Remus' eyes. "The best time of my life...especially after I spent Christmas in First Year in..." he sighed and indicated the house. "Here...I hated Christmas...I used to despise it until that year. You and James stayed at Hogwarts just to show me what the Christmas spirit really was and I...I was so grateful...it was like all my dreams had come true."

Remus pushed hair from Sirius' eyes, smiling at him. "Then, this Christmas can be enjoyable too."

"Yeah...I'll make it so that Harry won't ever forget it! It'll be just like what you and James did for me!" He smiled happily at the thought.

The Weasley's and Harry were to visit Arthur in the Hospital that afternoon and Sirius was a little disappointed that he couldn't come with them, as he watched them leave he sighed heavily, gazing at the giant tree that obscured the family tapestry. Then he went upstairs and sat in his room, gazing at the photo he had given Remus. He smiled at the memories that had come flooding back to him when he had found it...

"_What...what is this?" Sirius said as he stepped into the dorm. He saw James beaming at him, wearing a stupid hat. "It looks like Christmas has come in here and exploded..." Sirius said, his eyes gazing at the holly, ivy and tinsel that decorated the beds in a mish-mash of random colours and badly arranged clumps._

"_Oh come off it, Siri, this is a work of art!" James said, smirking._

_Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You know I don't celebrate Muggle Christmas." He said slightly coldly._

"_Whatever for?" James exclaimed, eyes wide behind his glasses. "Seriously, the Muggles have it right when they came up with this holiday!"_

"_But it's just so..." Sirius fought to keep the disdain out of his voice as his eyes took in James' hat. "Tacky..." he said finally._

"_That's what makes it fun! Come on Sirius, have a mince pie..." He thrust a plate at him. "And get in your Pyjama's...we're celebrating Christmas the Muggle way."_

_Sirius gave in. He sat on the bed in his bed clothes and James sat opposite, stuffing a hat on his head, Remus joined them and they tucked into warm, fresh mince pies with Brandy butter cream and listened to carols on the Wizarding Wireless. "So, what do you celebrate? You said you didn't celebrate Muggle Christmas?" Remus asked, his eyes curious as he gazed at Sirius from underneath the fluffy white edge of his hat._

"_Yule Tide...or Winter Solstice." Sirius replied. "It happens on the twenty first, the shortest day of the year...very powerful day. We have a feast, then we hold a big ceremonial ritual to ensure we have a good year..." He shrugged. "It's an old tradition of course, but it's the only day my parents don't..." he paused and looked at his hands. "Don't shout at me." He finished._

_Later they all sat huddled in the window, drinking hot chocolate and watching the snow swirl past their window. They all shared a blanket and Sirius couldn't help but smile as he realised that he was genuinely happy, there was no tension, no fear of being looked at like he was a waste of space. He could feel James and Remus' warmth and it soaked into him, warming his heart and he hoped that he could bottle that feeling and keep it forever..._

Sirius closed his eyes, letting himself fall backwards onto the bed. "I miss you...so much..." He whispered to the empty room. He let out a slow, shaking breath and let his eyes half open so he gazed at the ceiling. "James."

Sirius found Kreacher hiding in the attic, he had no idea why he had been up there, but he didn't let it worry him. As the days passed he felt himself sinking slowly back into the depression that had haunted him. He hated the fact that he would once again be alone, Harry had to return to school and the Weasley's needed to go home...he was stuck.

His depression continued, he sat in Buckbeaks room, slumped against the wall and trying to fight off the feeling that he was drowning. Remus found him there one evening and he entered, sitting at his side but saying nothing. The two sat in silence, their hands finding each other and fingers entwining. It became too difficult to smile, Sirius gazed despondently at the wall, hardly even feeling it when Remus would pull him to his side and whisper empty words into his hair.

One day he received an unwanted visitor...Severus Snape. Sirius sat in the kitchen, half listening to Mrs. Weasley talking to him when the door bell went. He stood with a heavy sigh and went to answer it, cutting off his mother's screams with a hard yank on her curtain. When the door opened he saw Snape standing there, hood pulled low over his face. "What do you want?" Sirius said stepping back to allow his enemy through.

"Nothing that will concern you, Black." He sneered as he strode past and into the kitchen. "I am here to speak to Potter."

"Oh! I'll just go and get him for you..." Molly said with a nervous smile, her eyes darting to Sirius who took his seat, crossed his arms and legs and glared in the opposite direction.

"You need not be here." Snape said softly, seating himself.

"I do. He's my Godson." Sirius snapped. "Why do you want to speak to him, anyway?" Snape, in answer, pulled a letter from his cloak and threw it at Sirius who opened it and read it slowly. "What? Extra lessons? With _you_?" he said as he looked up. Snape gazed at him, beetle black eyes glittering malevolently.

"Is there a problem?"

"Yes! You hate him! Why can't the Headmaster teach him himself?"

"I have no idea..." Snape said, turning away. "I do not pretend to understand the way that man's mind works..."

'Er," Harry stood in the doorway to kitchen.

Snape looked around at him, his face framed between curtains of greasy black hair. 'Sit down, Potter."

'You know, ' said Sirius loudly, leaning back on his rear chair legs and speaking to the ceiling, 'I think I'd prefer it if you didn't give orders here, Snape. It's my house, you see.' An ugly flush suffused Snape's pallid face. Harry sat down in a chair beside Sirius, facing Snape across the table. Sirius hated this, Harry should not have to put up with the man's hatred...it seemed to cruel.

'I was supposed to see you alone, Potter, ' said Snape, the familiar sneer curling his mouth, 'but Black -'

'I'm his godfather, ' said Sirius, louder than ever.

'I am here on Dumbledore's orders, ' said Snape, whose voice, by contrast, was becoming more and more quietly waspish, 'but by all means stay, Black, I know you like to feel...involved.'

'What's that supposed to mean?' said Sirius, letting his chair fall back on to all four legs with a loud bang.

'Merely that I am sure you must feel - ah - frustrated by the fact that you can do nothing useful,' Snape laid a delicate stress on the word, 'for the Order.' It was Sirius's turn to flush. Snape's lip curled in triumph as he turned to Harry. The Headmaster has sent me to tell you, Potter, that it is his wish for you to study Occlumency this term.'

'Study what?' said Harry blankly.

Snape's sneer became more pronounced. 'Occlumency, Potter. The magical defence of the mind against external penetration. An obscure branch of magic, but a highly useful one.'

Sirius frowned furiously across the table, his anger bubbling rapidly, almost making him feel sick. He knew that Harry had to learn it, it was best to protect his mind against Voldemort, but he hated the idea of Snape spending too much time with him.

'Why do I have to study Occlu- thing?' Harry blurted out.

'Because the Headmaster thinks it a good idea,' said Snape smoothly. 'You will receive private lessons once a week, but you will not tell anybody what you are doing, least of all Dolores Umbridge. You understand?'

'Yes, ' said Harry. 'Who's going to be teaching me?'

Snape raised an eyebrow. 'I am, ' he said. Harry looked quickly round at Sirius for support.

'Why can't Dumbledore teach Harry?' asked Sirius aggressively. Trying to keep his hands steady as fury pounded through his veins. 'Why you?'

'I suppose because it is a headmaster's privilege to delegate less enjoyable tasks, ' said Snape silkily. 'I assure you I did not beg for the job." He got to his feet. 'I will expect you at six o'clock on Monday evening, Potter. My office. If anybody asks, you are taking remedial Potions. Nobody who has seen you in my classes could deny you need them. ' He turned to leave, his black travelling cloak billowing behind him.

'Wait a moment, ' said Sirius, sitting up straighter in his chair. Snape turned back to face them, sneering.

'I am in rather a hurry, Black. Unlike you, I do not have unlimited leisure time. '

"I'll get to the point, then,' said Sirius, standing up. He was rather taller than Snape who, balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over the handle of his wand. 'If I hear you're using these Occlumency lessons to give Harry a hard time, you'll have me to answer to.' Sirius said, using his height to try and intimidate Snape.

'How touching, ' Snape sneered. 'But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father?'

'Yes, I have, ' said Sirius proudly.

'Well then, you'll know he's so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him,' Snape said sleekly. Sirius pushed his chair roughly aside and strode around the table towards Snape, pulling out his wand as he went. Snape whipped out his own. They were squaring up to each other, Sirius looking livid, Snape calculating, his eyes darting from Sirius's wand-tip to his face.

'Sirius!' said Harry loudly, but Sirius ignored him.

'I've warned you, Snivellus, ' said Sirius, his face barely a foot from Snape's, 'I don't care if Dumbledore thinks you've reformed, I know better -'

'Oh, but why don't you tell him so?' whispered Snape. 'Or are you afraid he might not take very seriously the advice of a man who has been hiding inside his mother's house for six months?

'Tell me, how is Lucius Malfoy these days? I expect he's delighted his lapdog's working at Hogwarts, isn't he?' Sirius snarled, feeling rage try and blot his senses, he needed this...he needed to vent his frustration on someone...and here was a readymade excuse.

'Speaking of dogs, ' said Snape softly, 'did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognised you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform...gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hiding-hole in future, didn't it?'Sirius raised his wand.

'NO!' Harry yelled, vaulting over the table and trying to get in between them. 'Sirius, don't!'

'Are you calling me a coward?' roared Sirius, trying to push Harry out of the way, but Harry would not budge. He wanted to Hex Snape so badly he would leave the house little more than a pile of jelly.

'Why, yes, I suppose I am, ' said Snape.

'Harry - get - out - of - it!' snarled Sirius, pushing him aside with his free hand.

The kitchen door opened and the entire Weasley family, plus Hermione, came inside, all looking very happy, with Mr Weasley walking proudly in their midst dressed in a pair of striped pyjamas covered by a mackintosh. 'Cured!' he announced brightly to the kitchen at large. 'Completely cured!'He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking towards the door with their wands pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them, a hand stretched out to each, trying to force them apart. 'Merlin's beard, ' said Mr Weasley, the smile sliding off his face, 'what's going on here?'Both Sirius and Snape lowered their wands. Each wore an expression of utmost contempt, yet the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses brought them to their senses. Snape pocketed his wand, turned on his heel and swept back across the kitchen, passing the Weasleys without comment. At the door he looked back.

'Six o'clock, Monday evening, Potter.' And he was gone.

Sirius glared after him, his wand at his side. 'What's been going on?' asked Mr Weasley again.

'Nothing, Arthur, ' said Sirius, trying to swallow the anger. He wasn't a coward...he wasn't hiding through choice!

That evening he fumed. He tried to force himself to be happy, for Harry's sake...but he was still angry. He went to bed and dreamed...he was surrounded by fog, it was dense and he couldn't hear or see anything as he stumbled through it. Then, with the softness of a whisper he heard his name being called, he spun around, searching for the source, eyes scanning the oddly glittering fog.

"_Sirius!"_

He heard it again. "H-Hello?"

"_Sirius..."_

He turned around again and saw a flash of colour, he ran towards it, reaching...arm stretched out but before he could reach the figure it was gone again. The whispering was increasing, repeating his name over and over as he searched desperately for the source. They were voices he recognised, he could hear people from his past, those who had died in the Order, the men he had spoken to in his time in Azkaban, and...he heard it, rising above all the others, a soft, friendly voice, with the hint of laughter in it...

"_James_!" He screamed...

He sat up suddenly, his chest heaving, his arm reaching before him. His eyes were wide as he blinked dazedly, someone was muttering something.

"Sirius? Sirius...you're alright! It was a nightmare."

"R-Remus...?" He croaked, turning his head as his hand fell to his lap. He was pulled into an embrace.

"I'm here...I won't leave you." Remus whispered.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep, shuddery breath. "It was James...it's always him." He whispered, clutching Remus tightly as he buried his face into his clothes. "He keeps calling me!"

Remus gazed into the darkness of the bedroom, feeling his heart ache. "I miss him too, Sirius...I miss him so much..."

The dream haunted him, even while awake he would hear someone call his name, making him jump and glance around at the empty house as if he expected to see James come striding into the kitchen with that big smile. Remus was gone increasingly often, their parting was done with soft whispers, lips and bodies pressed close. Sirius understood why he had to leave, yet it still made his heart ache...he still woke in the night screaming and searching desperately for the warmth of his body...only to find handfuls of cold sheets and a pillow that somehow retained his scent.

His depression was made somewhat worse when he received a copy of the Daily Prophet from Remus who had come striding into the kitchen and threw it at him. "It's begun." He muttered, pulling down a bottle of liquor from a cabinet while Sirius read the front page.

"Mass Break out of Azkaban Ministry fears Black is rallying point for old Death Eaters..." Sirius sneered, looking very much like the photograph of his cousin who gazed insolently back at them. "Ridiculous." He hissed.

"Well, who else will they blame it on? I mean, you're the only person to have escaped Azkaban until now." Remus said as he seated himself opposite his friend.

"Yeah...mass murderer..." Sirius sighed, shoving fingers into his hair as his elbows rested on the table. "It'd be nice to...not be treated like this...just once."

"Sirius..." Remus sighed.

"I want freedom, Remus." He said softly. "I want it so badly I can taste it...but it's beyond my grasp...it always will be."

"It won't be long before everyone realises that Harry was telling the truth, and when that happens they will realise he was right about you all along..."

Sirius looked up through his hair. "Except...by then it'll be too late." He whispered.

Remus frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing..." Sirius sat up and poured himself a drink, taking a sip and gazing into the amber liquid as he turned the glass in his hand.

"Oh...Boderick Bode's dead." Remus said, trying to bring Sirius back out of his head.

"Oh? And who's that?"

"He was an Unspeakable." Remus said softly.

Sirius looked up, blinking slightly as realisation dawned on him. "So he's been murdered?"

Remus nodded. "It's really starting now...odd deaths, disappearances...it's all the same..."

"Won't be long before he's taken over the ministry, killed us all off and got a nice foot hold in the Wizarding world. Yay! Go Purebloods..." Sirius muttered sarcastically.

"Come on, don't be like that. We need to have hope..."

"What hope is there?" Sirius snapped.

"We can fight this...we can win it!" Remus said fiercely. "We're better off this time around we have..."

"We have a fifteen year old boy!" Sirius said, his hand tightening on his glass. "A fifteen year old boy who doesn't even know the whole truth about what is happening! Dumbledore's insistence that he's our hope...it's crap! You remember what it was like for us...and we were eighteen! Imagine what it would have been like had we been told that the future of the whole of Wizarding Britain depended on us at Fifteen? He needs to be told! He needs to understand! It's not fair!" He slammed his fist onto the table, making Remus flinch slightly. "He should be told everything...he should be prepared. Not like we were...going into a war without truly understanding what was expected of us..." He gulped down his drink, still glaring furiously at nothing. "He should at least know what he's getting himself into..."

"I understand that Sirius, I do...but Harry's still a child he..."

"He is not a child!" Sirius insisted. "He is old enough to understand. Just like I was old enough at sixteen to accept Dumbledore's invitation into the Order...just like James was..."

"Harry isn't James." Remus said, softly but firmly.

"I know that!"

"No...No, I don't think you do. Sometimes...when you look at him I can see..."

Sirius glared at him and he fell quiet with a soft sigh. "He still has a right to know." Sirius said after a moments silence, he refilled Remus' glass with an unsteady hand. "This secrecy plan of Dumbledore's is going to backfire...and the result will be catastrophic."


	28. Chapter TwentyEight: I love You

**A/N: So, this is...the chapter before the worst of all chapters. I am actually afraid to write the next one as it will break my heart, but I must soldier on! I hope you are enjoying this, I know it's been a long journey and I thank you all for following it with me...so, until we meet again on darker shores...enjoy.**

Chapter Twenty-Eight: I love You

Dumbledore stood in the kitchen gazing at Sirius who had both hands planted firmly on the table top, his silver eyes narrowed furiously and his face pale with anger. "Sirius, please calm down."

"No!" Sirius shouted, his heart hammering in his chest. "What is there to be calm about? You are continuing to ignore my advice! If you do not take the time to explain everything to Harry he will do something stupid! Dumbledore...it is imperative that you give him ALL the information and not just what you decide he can cope with!"

"If he were to know the truth, how do you think he would cope, Sirius? He is still a..."

"He is not a child!" Sirius insisted, his voice snapping back at them from the walls. "He may be fifteen, but he's stronger than anyone here is giving him credit for! You cannot keep him in the dark!"

"I have told you my reasons for avoiding the whole truth, Sirius. I trust that you will accept my judgement on this matter and not continue this argument." Dumbledore's voice was calm, but had an edge to it that made Sirius bite back his furious retort. "I understand that you have Harry's best interest at heart, but you must see that I am doing my best...he is our only hope."

After Dumbledore had left Sirius sat in a chair, muttering furiously to himself while Remus read a magazine. "This will cheer you up, Sirius." He said, sliding the magazine towards his dark haired companion.

Sirius looked down at it. "The Quibbler...?" He saw a large picture of Harry on the front and he opened it, as he read the interview a smile stretched itself across his face. "Brilliant!" he gasped suddenly. "What a way to go, Harry! This is...amazing! Getting the message out there..."

"I have to say, it was very clever. Although I am worried about the repercussions of something so bold..." Remus sighed heavily, lowering his tea and looking at Sirius. "He will probably be punished quite severely for this."

"Probably...especially since that woman's destroying Hogwarts...kind of makes me wish I was there." He smirked and Remus could see the mischievous glint in his eyes. "That cow would regret ever crossing the Marauders, don't you think?"

Remus mirrored his smile. "James would never forgive her...I honestly think that he would cause more hell than he ever did..."

"And of course, Mr. Prefect would help us."

"I wouldn't be given a choice." Remus laughed.

"Well...no. James wouldn't have let you say no..."

"We'd all have been expelled."

"Yup." Sirius leaned back in his chair, lighting a cigarette and blowing smoke up to the ceiling. "She'd have had pubes in her tea..." He said absently.

"Or huge posters of her scattered around school with various offensive words..."

"Or her hair would keep changing colour...and she'd grow a moustache..."

Their eyes met and they both smiled, the only thing missing was hearing James' laughter...

Dumbledore stood in kitchen, gazing around at the gobsmacked faces of the rest of the Order of the Phoenix. "I assure you all that Hogwarts will remain as safe as ever, remembering that Severus and Minerva are both still in attendance." He said, smiling at the shocked faces.

"But...Albus...what about Harry?" Remus asked slowly.

"Harry will be fine, he is well protected at Hogwarts."

Sirius let out a slow breath. "So, with you gone that Ministry bitch will have full reign?"

"I suspect so, yes." Dumbledore sat down, smiling slightly. "I can use this rare opportunity to spread word of Voldemorts return to whoever will listen. And that number has increased greatly since Harry's fine example in his interview...I must confess I am impressed."

"He's got his father's spirit." Sirius said fondly.

"And his mother's kindness..." Remus said softly, they both looked at each other with small smiles.

"But...won't this mean that you'll be on the run?" Tonks asked.

"Of course. They will hunt me down as much as they have been trying to hunt down Sirius...however, I am rather adept at not being caught."

Weeks passed and Remus could feel an odd tension in the atmosphere, as if something was coming...a great storm that would wipe away everything good. He gazed up at the sky as he stood on the steps of Grimmauld place, a shiver running down his spine as he moved his eyes from the stars and tapped his wand against the door. Once inside he went to the kitchen to find Sirius sitting alone, smoking and drinking as usual. "Sirius?"

"Hi...how did it go?" Sirius asked.

"The usual...Fenrir's got them well and truly under his control...they're not willing to listen to a Werewolf who has been living amongst humans..." He sighed and slumped into his seat.

"You don't look well."

"Well, I can say the same for you. When was the last time you washed your clothes?"

Sirius shrugged. "What does it matter? I can't leave this place..."

Remus shook his head, pointing his wand at the kettle and watched it boil. He frowned slightly, a thought coming to him. "Where's Kreacher?"

Sirius shrugged. "No idea...why?"

"He keeps disappearing..." Remus looked at Sirius who looked as if he couldn't care less what happened to the old house elf, and he remembered something about another house elf who had left the house... "You don't think that...?"

"Don't be stupid. He knows he can't leave..." Sirius sighed, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. "Alright, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll go look for him." He stood and left Remus alone with his worries.

When Harry appeared in the fireplace he had jumped, having been absorbed in a letter to Dumbledore about his progress. The last thing he had expected was that Harry wanted to speak to them about his father...it was odd but they should have realised the subject would come up sooner or later.

The memories the talk with Harry had dredged up made Sirius even more depressed, and when Remus had to leave for a lot longer than he had before he began hitting the liquor hard, he drank himself into unconsciousness, simply so he didn't have to dream. He woke with a hangover and got rid of it by drinking even more. When Remus returned two weeks later he found Sirius passed out cold on the stone floor of the kitchen, Kreacher watching him from a corner. He knelt at his side, checking that he was still breathing and with a sigh he pulled him up, dragging him back into a chair before splashing water into his face.

Sirius came around with a choked gasp, he rubbed water from his eyes and winced violently as light hit his eyes. "Moony...at least have the decency to turn down the lamps!"

"I have no sympathy for you." Remus said in a tense voice. "I leave for a few days and I have to come back to see you...in that condition! Do you know I nearly had a heart attack?"

"No...but it's nice to know you care." Sirius muttered, rubbing his temples. "Where's the drink?" he rasped.

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"I mean what I say."

"I need a drink!"

"No, you don't."

"I have a hangover, Moony!"

"More alcohol is not going to cure it...here." He shoved a glass of water at Sirius who sighed heavily and downed it. "I don't understand it..."

"It's pretty simple really." Sirius muttered, slamming the glass back onto the table. "It's easier to stop thinking...and seeing as I can't leave to get..." He paused, looking slightly guiltily at Remus. "Narcotics, I'll have to have what I can..."

Remus was silent for a long time, his eyes scanning Sirius' face. He looked ill, his eyes dark and shadowed, his skin too pale and hair lank. "I'm worried."

"Worry away, it solves nothing." Sirius snapped.

"Stop...stop trying to kill yourself!"

"I'm not!" Sirius stood, swaying slightly on his feet. "I...I..." He sighed, lowering his head. "I'm sorry...It's just...so hard, when I'm alone..."

Remus sat down heavily, shoving fingers into his hair. "Merlin...it's like we're stuck. A never ending cycle of self destruction...We've walked this path before and look where it led us! You in Azkaban for murders you didn't commit...me...destroying myself from the inside out...This can't be right...can it?" he looked up through his greying hair.

Sirius gazed back at him, his face expressionless. "Don't ask me...until I realised I liked you I never even considered the possibility of a relationship." He sat down again with a thump.

"Is that what this is?" Remus asked quietly. "A relationship?"

Again, Sirius shrugged. "Wouldn't know...would I?"

"It shouldn't be this hard!" Remus muttered, burying his face in his hands, his voice wavering. "It shouldn't be like this...why can't we...just be happy?"

Sirius watched him from blank eyes, he couldn't find it in him to feel anything. "I can't answer that." He said finally.

"No...no...I suppose not." Remus sighed, his hands slipping from his eyes as he looked at his lover carefully, scanning his face. Finally, after a silence that felt like a death knell Remus stood slowly. He turned away from Sirius and moved towards the door. "I'm...going home...for-for a while...I can't...i can't keep doing this! It's a never ending pattern! It's killing me!"

"Remus!" Sirius' voice cracked.

Remus turned only to find himself pushed into the wall, his lips captured by Sirius' in a desperate kiss. He slid down the wall, dragging Sirius with him so they both sat on the cold stone. "Sirius!" Remus gasped when they pulled away. He found himself looking into twin pools of dark moonlight...and he fell...he couldn't leave him. "You'll be the death of me." He muttered, dragging Sirius closer, breathing against his lips. "I swear it...you're going to kill me."

"Then I'll die with you." Sirius replied, kissing him gently. "So long as...I don't have to be alone."

"Never alone. Never, ever alone, Sirius...Without you I'm nothing..."

They kissed passionately for a while, the only sounds in the kitchen were their own breaths. Sirius pulled out Remus' shirt from his trousers, unzipping his fly easily. Remus pulled away from the kiss, he pushed Sirius backwards onto the floor, pinning him there by the wrists as he claimed his mouth again. All thoughts were obscured when he felt that skilled tongue join his between their lips, he didn't need to think as Sirius arched his back, pressing his obvious erection into his own and making him utter a breathy gasp. Cold fingers slid up his body, pushing his shirt off his shoulders while the other hand busied its self with his trousers. After a few minutes of random fumbling, heavy panting and soft groans, they were surrounded by scattered clothing. Remus bent his head, biting and sucking at Sirius' exposed throat, leaving a trail of bruises behind as he staked his claim on the heated body beneath him.

Their hands were rough, their gasps needy and their whispers desperate as they moved together. Sirius arching off the floor as Remus moved inside him, he wrapped his legs around Remus' waist and tried to draw him deeper. A fine sheen of sweat covered his pale skin and Remus' fingers traced every familiar scar, every inch of skin he could reach, memorizing the reactions. Sirius' eyes were black with desire, they fluttered closed every now and again before he forced them open again because he couldn't look anywhere else but those pools of chocolate brown. He muttered something under his breath hardly aware what he was saying.

Remus paused, looking down as Sirius cocked his head to the side looking shocked that he'd stopped. "What did you say?" He muttered.

"Nothing..." Sirius replied hoarsely. "Why did you stop?" He sounded irritated.

Remus let his fingers run gently down Sirius' sweat covered chest, enjoying the noises he made. He chose to ignore Sirius' words...because surely he hadn't said them. It was simply Remus' imagination...because every night he dreamed of the day Sirius would speak those three little, heart shattering words...

Once again the silence of the house was broken; Sirius tried to muffle his cries but failed as Remus moved faster, losing himself in the moment. He was quieted by Remus' mouth, their tongues tangled as Sirius moved his body, the pressure in his gut was increasing. He shuddered, letting his head fall back as he gazed up at the ceiling. Black hair was caught between his parted lips and in his eyelashes, he could feel it, that wonderfully agonising twist, like a sliver of pure heat stabbing into his groin. He tensed, eyes snapping shut. "Remus..." he gasped, his hands tightening on his lover's hair as he arched right off of the floor. His orgasm hit him like a tidal wave, it was so intense he felt tears spring to his eyes.

"Sirius." Remus muttered, kissing Sirius' throat as he felt him come. After a few fast thrusts he reached his limit, letting a soft hiss of air escape him as his body shook.

Finally they both collapsed to the floor, gasping and panting. Remus fell onto Sirius' chest and lay there, letting the endorphins wash through him and fill him with a buzzing, tingling sensation.

Sirius stared up at the ceiling, catching his breath. A small smile curved his lips, his fingers buried themselves deep in Remus' hair as he dragged him to his lips. They kissed slowly for a very long time before finally Sirius began to feel uncomfortable.

Later, after they had both bathed, they sat on Sirius' bed, Remus leaning against the headboard as he read while Sirius dozed in his lap with a content smile on his lips. He whispered something again, just as he was pitched off the edge of consciousness...

"_Love you..."_

Remus heard it. He tensed...his heart beat speeded up and he let the book fall to the bed as he gazed down into Sirius' sleeping face. "Sirius..." He whispered, bending down and kissing him lightly on the temple. "I love you too...you stupid, frustrating man."

It was summer and Sirius sat in his bedroom, trying to coax a non-existent breeze into the hot room through an open window. He sat there, gazing thoughtfully at the wall, on which was a particularly large poster showing a muggle girl with huge breasts and an empty smile as she sat astride a motorbike in nothing but a leather jacket and bikini Briefs. His mother had hated him for putting that up, the memory of the resulting screaming match made him smile to himself...but then he heard a screech from upstairs. He vaulted off the bed and ran upstairs to Buckbeaks room. "Beaky?" he muttered, pushing the door all the way open. The Hippogriff was stood, shaking slightly as he lifted his back leg up off the floor. Sirius frowned, moving closer. "Shhh...it's alright Beaky, I just want to see what happened...stand still there..." He reached out his hand, snatching it back as Buckbeak snapped his beak at him. "I'm not going to hurt you..." he said firmly and the Hippogriff calmed enough to let him look at his leg. Blood spattered the straw strewn floor and Beaky trembled, making a pitiful mewling sound, Sirius ran a hand over his smooth flank. "You'll be alright, it's just a scratch...come here and I'll patch it right up."

He bandaged the wound tightly, unwilling to heal it with magic in case something went wrong. Then he gave the Hippogriff several dead rats to eat before returning downstairs. He sat in the kitchen for a while, the house quiet...too quiet. As the sun set over London he began to feel fidgety, not even alcohol could drive away the strange tight feeling in his gut. Remus, Tonks, Mad-Eye and Kingsley were sat speaking quietly to each other when suddenly there was a pop and a silver light appeared in the room, Sirius blinked at it as it spoke in Severus Snape's voice:

"Potter seems to be under the impression that Black has been captured by Voldemort and is currently being held in the Department of Mysteries. Please inform me of what is happening."

Sirius gazed at the silver orb before it disappeared. "What?"

Remus frowned. "We'll tell him you're safe..." He said, sending his patronus to Snape. "I hope Harry's alright..." He said as he sat down.

Sirius gazed in confusion at the wall for a long time until they received yet another silvery patronus message.

"Potter has been taken into the Forbidden Forest and has not returned, I am concerned that he is still under the impression Black is in danger and has gone to rescue him. I will search and make sure, the Headmaster has been informed. Whoever is at Headquarters would do well to go straight to Ministry as he may well be there already. Black, stay at Headquarters as Dumbledore is on his way and we need someone to be there when he arrives."

Sirius stood, the others began donning their cloaks. "No!" Remus said sharply, his hand gripping Sirius' arm tightly. "Stay here, someone needs to be here to tell Dumbledore..."

"I can't stay here!" Sirius snarled, shaking his arm free of Remus' grip. "You honestly think I'd be able to sit still like a good dog while Harry is in danger? Sometimes I wonder if you know me at all!"

"Sirius..." Kingsley began but Sirius sent him a furious glare.

"No! I am sick and tired of waiting...this time I go." He turned to the door. "Kreacher!" He snapped and there was a loud crack as the house elf appeared. "You will stay in the kitchen and await Dumbledore's arrival, you will tell him that Harry Potter has been lured to the Department of Mysteries by Voldemort and that we have gone to rescue him. Do you understand?"

"Yes Master, of course..." Kreacher bowed low.

"Good." Sirius turned to the door and made to follow the others.

Remus grabbed Sirius' robes and shook him as the others began filing out. "No! No...please don't go! Sirius...Please...I'm begging you...this is...stupid! It's risky! You will be going right into the jaws of the Ministry!"

"Remus..." Sirius extracted his hands from him. "I _have_ to do this."

"Don't." Remus' eyes were wide, he couldn't understand the horrible, fluttering panic that twisted his guts but he didn't want Sirius to go. He couldn't let him! "Please!"

"Let me..." Sirius whispered softly, his eyes sparkling. "Harry needs me."

"_I_ need you!" Remus said, his voice cracking slightly as his fists tightened on Sirius' robes.

Sirius gently moved him away, his smile soft as he leaned in, brushing hair from Remus' eyes as their lips met. "Remus...I love you." He whispered softly against his lips before drawing away. His eyes had lit up, a change had come about him that made Remus' breathing catch in his throat. He was surrounded by that insane energy he had had when they had been teenagers, it was like seeing Sirius as that reckless, eighteen year old boy who had an unhealthy obsession with his motorbike and posters of Muggle girls...he felt his stomach twist painfully, panic searing his insides like thick heavy lava. He shook as Sirius deepened the kiss, flicking his tongue casually against his lips so he opened them.

When they pulled away Sirius was smiling, a strange glint was in his silver eyes as he turned away. "Everything will be alright Moony, you'll see." He said as he leapt up the steps.

Remus paused before following him, the panic trying to strangle him but with a huge effort he pushed it aside. Harry needed their help.


	29. Chapter TwentyNine: Good Night

_**A/N: Ok, took forever to get this done! -.- It was awful...really awful to write. I apologise for the delay. I hope you don't hate me for this...I hate myself. :( Poor Sirius! Please save this depressed Author by leaving me a review! Thanks, also, there is a bit of Straight smut...ish at the end of this chapter. :) Enjoy! And again...don't hate me...**_

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Good Night

Sirius Apparated straight into the Ministry Atrium, when he arrived he broke into a sprint, his robes flying behind him. He was filled with reckless energy as he skidded to a halt before the lifts, jabbing the button. Kingsley stood at his side with Tonks and Mad-Eye. Remus caught up with them, his eyes narrowed slightly. All of them held their wands at the ready.

When the lift opened on the Department of Mysteries they broke into a run again, flying down the corridor and pushing the door open. It slammed shut behind them and all they could hear were their ragged breaths in the odd bluish light. Sirius swallowed, wiping his arm across his forehead, he realised he was shaking...but not with fear. He recognised that bubbling sensation, he had known it once, long ago as James faced Voldemort...he knew he was excited. He licked his lips as Kingsley went for a door, he opened it and shook his head, closing it again.

They tried several doors until Tonks cried out. "Found them!"

They flew into an odd room that looked more like an amphitheatre. Sirius saw Harry, cornered on the odd dais with the archway and he watched as Harry stretched out his arm...

They all fired curses at the same moment. Red light streaked from their wands as the gathered Death Eaters looked up as one. Sirius was first to jump down each bench-like step, he leapt easily from one to another, raining curses down on his opponents. He was wearing a smile that stretched his face and he couldn't help but feel a buzz of adrenaline shoot through him as he struck a masked Death Eater right in the face.

Remus ran down the steps, dodging curses and firing his own as he raced the jets of light. He caught glimpses of Sirius dodging, weaving and grinning like a madman. He almost smiled himself, it had been so long since he had last seen Sirius looking so alive.

They duelled violently, Sirius acting on instinct as he countered spells, jets of light shattered stone, the odd scream lost in amongst the furious sounds of battle. Each person focussed entirely on their respective opponents, they couldn't afford to look away. The Death Eater he was duelling was good, he was slowly being driven backwards but before he reached the stone steps he waved his wand, his hand little more than a blur as light hit the man in the chest and he was thrown backwards with a scream. He turned and saw Harry tripping over a plump boys legs, which were dancing. He saw Dolohov lifting his wand but before he could complete his spell Sirius shoulder barged him sideways, he went flying but regained his balance and became locked in combat. Sirius' breath came in sharp gasps as he felt heat streak past him, barely missing his face. Sparks danced, light shattered into fireworks in the air around them and Sirius gritted his teeth, the only thing in his mind was Harry. He had to protect him. He had to protect James' Legacy...he had to find some way to ease the burden of his sins.

Remus was forced backwards, his back hitting the wall, he ducked as green light shattered the stone above his head. He gasped as he rose, making a short slashing movement with his wand. An explosion knocked the Death Eater off his feet, he crashed into another and they collapsed. He paused, catching his breath for a second before vaulting the Dais in the centre of the room and battling another.

Dolohov raised his wand, his face contorting and suddenly red light shot from somewhere to the side, he went rigid and keeled over. Sirius blinked and turned to see Harry lowering his wand. He grinned. "Nice One!" He called. He moved closer to Harry, forcing his head down as spells shot over them, he leaned close, shouting over the noise. "Now, I want you to get out of..." They ducked again, more light shooting over their heads, tugging at Sirius' hair. Sirius' eyes were drawn to the steps, he saw Tonks fall, and...he felt his heart stutter in his chest. Time seemed to slow down as he watched Bellatrix laughing as she ran. "Harry, take the Prophecy, grab Neville and RUN!" He shouted, springing up and running as fast as he could to engage his cousin...if only he could kill her...if only he could exact revenge for all the awful things she put him through! He swept his wand around and fired a curse at her back, she spun around, robes flaring around her feet as she deflected his spell with a flick of her wand, when she saw him her eyes brightened and she smiled. Sirius returned that smile, shaking hair from his eyes, eyes which glittered in imitation of hers. He felt excitement rush through him as he fired a curse at her, she dodged. They broke into a fast, heavy duel. Stone broke beneath their feet, shattering with the sheer force of magic used, Sirius was driven slowly but inexorably towards the Dais which he hopped up on. Bella followed him. Their eyes were locked, blind to everything else, their smiles twisted as they fought.

Remus saw Malfoy hit the dais on which Sirius was duelling Bella furiously, he had no time to watch however as the blond man raised his wand and aimed it at Harry. Remus growled slightly, firing a vicious curse at his Death Eater before running, full pelt towards Harry, he dived between them, blocking Malfoy's spell. "Harry, round up the others and GO!" He shouted. He engaged Malfoy in a duel, dodging hex's and curses. He fired his own but Malfoy was equal to it, he gritted his teeth...he could at least provide a distraction while Harry got out of there. Light hit him in the chest, his shield charm deflecting most of the curse but he stumbled backwards, hitting the floor, he raised his wand, panting and flicked it causing Malfoy to stumble as he was forced backwards. He jumped up the steps, drawing Malfoy away from Harry and Neville, his mind half on Malfoy half on the two boys.

"Filthy half-breed!" Malfoy hissed, firing another Killing curse at him, it shattered the stone by his feet, he slipped but steadied himself...and then it happened.

The doors above them slammed open, eyes were drawn upwards. Remus turned and felt an odd sense of heady excitement flare within him, searing his chest as he saw Dumbledore standing there, gazing down at the fighters. He couldn't help feeling the electrical charge of victory, even though they had yet to get the prophecy out of the Death Eaters hands, Dumbledore was there and they had _won_.

With an almost terrifying ease Dumbledore rounded up the Death Eaters, dragging them back from escaping. Remus gazed in awe as he watched the Death Eaters try to flee and fail, they knew when they were outmatched...then his eyes landed on the only pair still duelling...and his heart stopped in his chest.

Sirius threw his head back after dodging Bella's jet of red light, he laughed derisively, loving the pure, unadulterated joy that came from a good duel. He was exhilarated, feeling younger than he had done in years, he felt as if he couldn't lose! His blood roared in his veins, like hot lava and he shouted at his cousin, taunting her; "Come on, you can do better than that!" When the light hit him in the chest he didn't immediately register it, all he could feel was an awful pulling sensation as he slowly fell backwards...his eyes alighted on Remus.

_I'm sorry...I couldn't keep our promise..._

And he fell...

Somehow Remus knew what was going to happen, even before it did. He felt emptiness fill him as he moved towards Harry. He watched in absolute horror as light hit Sirius squarely in the chest, his face had time enough to register shock and fear as he fell backwards...Remus gazed, seemingly frozen to the spot, until a piercing scream echoed through the room, following Bella's laughter...

"SIRIUS!" Remus turned, as if in a dream, he felt numb...he could hardly even process what had happened as he saw Harry charging down the steps. "SIRIUS!" Harry screamed again as he ran for the Dais, Remus grabbed him around the waist before he could follow him.

"There's nothing you can do Harry..." He gasped.

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" Harry shouted desperately, struggling against Remus' hold. The only sounds were Bella's laughter and Harry's grief stricken screams.

"It's too late Harry..." He said, swallowing hard, hiding his own pain. He pushed it all down as far as it would go, he couldn't examine it yet...not until he was alone. "There's nothing you can do Harry, nothing...he's gone." It was hard to keep his voice steady as emptiness swamped him. Harry struggled desperately in his arms and it was getting harder and harder to hold him, he swallowed again, unable to tear his eyes from that arch way.

"He hasn't gone!" Harry yelled. "SIRIUS! SIRIUS!" He screamed, his voice cracking slightly.

Remus held on, he could not let go. "He can't come back, Harry," he said, his voice breaking as he struggled to contain Harry. "He can't come back, because he's d-..."

"HE - IS - NOT - DEAD!" roared Harry. "SIRIUS!"

Remus began forcing Harry backwards as spells shattered stone once again, he dragged him forcefully out of the way. He had to protect Harry...he had to protect Harry...He had to...he nearly lost it, but managed to regain his senses as his vision wavered. He continued pulling the struggling boy away from the fight, repeating the litany over and over in an attempt to distract himself from the gaping chasm where his soul had been. Finally Harry stopped struggling as they reached the stone benches, Remus watched, feeling nothing as Kingsley fought Bellatrix in Sirius' place...he didn't like that awful, ringing silence in his head...he didn't like it...he hated looking at that dais that kept yanking his gaze roughly, tugging at his mind as he fought desperately with himself not to follow...

He heard Neville speaking to Harry and he turned, seeing Neville's legs still dancing. "Here..." he muttered roughly, pointing a shaking wand at him. "Finite..." Neville's legs stopped. "Let's - let's find the others. Where are they all, Neville?" He turned his back on the arch, unable to look at it, every word cost him massive amounts of pain as he fought desperately with his emotions, he had to stay strong, he had to stay strong for Harry...

"Dey're all back dere," said Neville through his broken nose. "A brain addacked Ron bud I dink he's all righd - and Herbione's unconscious, bud we could feel a bulse."

There was a loud bang and a yell from behind the dais. Remus spun around and saw Kingsley hit the ground yelling in pain. Bellatrix Lestrange turned tail and ran as Dumbledore whipped around. He aimed a spell at her but she deflected it; she was halfway up the steps now. "Harry - no!" cried Remus desperately making to grab him again, but Harry had already ripped his arm from Lupin's slackened grip.

"SHE KILLED SIRIUS!" bellowed Harry. "SHE KILLED HIM I'LL KILL HER!" And he was off, scrambling up the stone benches.

He made to follow but was stopped by a firm hand on his arm, he looked up into piercing blue eyes. "Stay." Dumbledore said firmly, he released Remus who watched him run up the stairs after Harry. He felt himself begin to shake, he swallowed hard, unwilling to turn back to the arch, but it pulled him...he turned slowly and gazed at it. He could still see Sirius' face, as clear as day in his mind. He stumbled forward, tripping on his feet but moving towards the arch with its black curtain as it swayed innocently.

"Remus..."

He ignored the voice and the arm that grabbed him, he yanked himself free and gazed up at the arch feeling his breathing hitching in his throat.

"Remus, come on...we need to make sure the others are..."

"No." Remus said, his voice cracking. "Leave...me..." he felt a strong hand on his shoulder, it squeezed him once before releasing him. He heard the distinctive sounds of a wooden leg and knew it was Moody who had tried to comfort him. He climbed up onto it, ignoring the whispers, the hissing insults and every other noise as he walked towards the curtain, arm outstretched. He could hear whispering, gentle whispers, whispers of promises broken...whispers of love lost...whispers of terrible pain and heart rending grief. He swallowed again, ignoring the tears that began to slip free from his eyes. Then his legs gave way and he fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands. "Sirius...Sirius..." He gasped. "Why? Why did you...how could you...? YOU BASTARD!" he screamed slamming his fists onto the stone beneath him. He bowed his head, trying to stem the flow of his grief...but it was useless as it overwhelmed him. He covered his face, sobbing desperately into his hands, his shoulders shaking. Someone put a hand on his shoulder, he didn't know who it was. He couldn't feel anything except the gaping chasm where Sirius had been, he was shocked to find his heart still beating in his chest, he was shocked to find that he was still breathing...why was he still breathing when the whole world had ended?

"Come on...up you get."

Remus let himself be lifted off the cold stone floor and helped down from the dais. He took one last look at it through tear filled eyes before turning away. He gently detached himself from Moody's helping arm. "I-I...I'm fine...I'll..." he bit down on his lip and shook his head, gazing at Moody who simply looked back at him, his magical eye pinned to the group of Death Eaters who had been captured by Dumbledore. "I have to continue...don't I?" He croaked finally.

Moody shrugged. "He knew what he was doing."

Remus swallowed and nodded. "Y-yes..." he said.

"Reckon he would've liked to go out like that, if he had a choice. He was smiling till the end."

Remus turned away, wiping his face on his sleeve and taking a shaky breath. He could grieve later, what mattered now was Harry. As he took a step away from the arch he could have sworn he heard sharp, bark-like laughter. He spun around gazing with wide eyes at the arch way...

_Remus..._

His name. A single word, uttered with such emotion he thought it would break him...and it nearly did. He felt something deep within him shatter as he realised he would never again feel those lips on his, he would never again know those rough, calloused hands as they ran up his body, he would never again hear that voice speak his name...

Grimmauld place was silent as he stumbled inside, he couldn't see straight as he walked, weaving slightly as if the house was trying to tip him off his feet. He reached the stairs, grabbing the banister and he stumbled up them, falling into the wall as grief and anger overrode him. He was crying, he knew he was, his vision was blurred but he couldn't feel the hot tears falling onto the green carpet. He reached Sirius' room and slammed the door open, panting slightly as he fought the urge to scream. He saw everything was exactly as it had been. The bed unmade, the desk filled with paper, an ink pot standing open and ready for use, a black quill lying across parchment...he frowned and moved over to it. He looked down and saw, with a sickening jolt, Sirius' neat handwriting.

_I love you more than you will ever know._

He took a sharp breath, and then it escaped him in a sob. He fell to his knees and cried desperately into his hands, letting the tears come as he choked on the upsurge of powerful emotions.

Dumbledore didn't immediately alert Remus to his presence, he watched the man, usually so calm and collected, lose himself. He watched with sadness in his blue eyes as Remus cried without restraint, he was bent over on the floor, his hands over his face as tears fell onto the worn old carpet, creating stains. "He was a good man, Remus."

Remus didn't look up, he knew he would be followed. No one had ever seen him lose it, except for Dumbledore. "H-he was..." he couldn't finish.

"Sirius knew the risks...he knew what could happen..."

"He knew he was going to die!" Remus screamed suddenly, the sound tearing through the dusty old house like a knife. "He knew it! I-I could s-see it..." He took a sharp breath. "And I couldn't save him." he ended in a hoarse whisper.

"No one could have saved him, Remus...he was a brave, intelligent and energetic man, It is partly my fault."

"No...No...The blame lies with me." Remus wiped his eyes on his sleeve and climbed shakily to his feet. His eyes lingered on the parchment, he picked it up and put it in his pocket. "It's my fault. I should have been here for him, I could have..." He shook his head slowly. "How is Harry?" He said hoarsely, turning to face the headmaster.

"He is as well as can be expected under the circumstances."

"Good..." Remus gazed at the bed, remembering holding Sirius, remembering his soft whispers in the darkness... "He's strong...he'll be alright."

"Remus, no matter how strong Harry is, he needs you."

Remus closed his eyes, tipping his head back. "When James died I had thought that nothing would be able to ease my grief...but then I discovered that Sirius was innocent and that knowledge, simply knowing he was not guilty eased the pain...but now...now there is only darkness. Albus...I can't live without him."

"You must, Harry needs you."

Remus swallowed the lump in his throat again, opening his eyes as he gazed at Dumbledore with expressionless eyes. "I don't know if I can do it..."

Later he sat in his empty house, gazing into the fire. The bottle of whiskey sat on the table and every now and again he would pick it up and sip some, he wanted to drown...he wanted oblivion. When the first knock came he ignored it. The outside world no longer mattered, because living was pointless...everything was pointless now that Sirius had been stolen from him. The knock came again, several sharp raps upon the wood and he stood, swaying drunkenly as he stumbled to the door he opened it, his eyes taking a moment to focus on his visitor. She stood in the doorway looking nervous, her large dark eyes glancing at his unshaven face, his crumpled robes and his messy hair.

"Remus...?" She whispered softly.

"Tonksss?" He muttered, swaying and moving back to let her in.

She entered, gazing around at the mess. He hadn't bothered cleaning in a while, his mind dwelling continuously upon Sirius. She followed him into the living room and watched him take a deep swig of whiskey before falling into a seat and return to gazing at the crackling flames. "Um..."

"Take a seat..." Remus said, not looking at her. "I am in no mood for talk..."

She sat down nervously, her fingers twisting into an old t-shirt as she shot him wary glances. He had dark circles beneath his eyes, which were bloodshot and red from tears. She felt pity well up within her until she felt tears of her own in her eyes, she couldn't sit in silence. "I wanted to tell you...that...that I'm here...i-if you need someone to..." She fell silent as he lifted his eyes to hers, they were so dark they could have been black.

"Offering me comfort?" he whispered hoarsely. His gaze swept her, she had dark hair today and her jeans slightly torn at the knee. She looked scared. He tipped his head to the side, with the fire light flickering across her face and if Remus let his eyes slip out of focus she would look like him...it didn't take much stretch of the imagination to see him in her. He stood unsteadily, moving towards her and leaning over her, he planted his hands on the arms of her chair and she gazed up at him with slightly startled eyes. "I was wrong..." He muttered to himself, his fingers reaching up to brush hair from her eyes gently. "I thought it was him...but no...it was me all along wasn't it?" His voice was low, husky, almost a growl.

"What-What do you mean?" She whispered, unable to look away from his eyes. She wasn't afraid, exactly, but she could feel her pulse racing, heat flooded her cheeks and she swallowed nervously.

"You like me, don't you?" He asked bluntly, fingers tracing her jaw gently.

"I-I..." She glanced away but her eyes returned to his.

Remus smiled wonkily. "It's true...he always was better at reading people than me..." He leaned closer, his breath smelling strongly of whiskey.

Tonks felt his stubble scratch her cheek but as his lips met hers she could do nothing but let her eyes fall closed. She felt all her long hidden fantasy's coming true and she never wanted it to end, she felt his tongue asking for entrance and parted her lips. His kiss was sloppy, filled with a desperate need that his voice had hidden. She leaned forward, feeling desire clench her in his heated fist. His roughened fingers pushed into her hair and slowly It began changing colour, he pulled away, glancing at it, running the long strands through his fingers. She gazed back at him questioningly.

"Can...can you make it stay black?" He asked softly, his words coming out in a whisper.

She felt pain in her chest, like a dagger through her heart and tears sprung to her eyes. Yet, when she looked into those beautiful brown depths she found herself unwilling to deny him, she had wanted this for too long. Slowly her hair darkened again, going as black as the night and lengthening to fall onto her shoulders. She swallowed her pain, and slowly her eyes changed colour as well, going a dark, steely grey, Remus' smile was all at once heartbreakingly sad and beautiful. "I-Is this...what you want?" She asked softly, ignoring her conscience as it berated her for becoming something else for this man...this man she had loved almost as soon as she had seen him smile at her.

"Yes..." Remus whispered and kissed her, there was suddenly much more passion behind it as he pushed his tongue past her lips and pushed her back into the sofa, his warm hand glided across her arm, sliding beneath her t-shirt. She pulled away with a gasp.

"W-Wait..." She muttered, feeling afraid. "I..."

Remus saw the pain in those eyes, eyes that she had changed just for him. His hand slid into her hair and he slipped his arm around her waist, he could no longer contain it. His mind was filled with Sirius, his laughter, his smile, the feel of his hair beneath his fingers...every tiny memory crashing into his head obliterating all other thoughts as he pulled Tonks out of the sofa and onto the warm rug before the fire.

The candles flickered as they burned low in their holders, dripping wax onto the floor. Tonks let Remus touch her, she wanted him, and part of her knew she was going to end up getting hurt, but she wanted it. She wanted it too badly to stop him from pulling down her jeans, from kissing her exposed stomach. She gazed into his eyes as he held himself above her, they were out of focus, his pupils dilated by desire as he slid into her. She sighed, letting her eyes close until she felt him kiss them, he whispered to her; "Keep them open..." and she did as he asked, unable to deny him.

Their ragged breathing filled the quiet room, their skin glistened in the fire light as they made love. Remus was gentle, his hands exploring her body, his muttered words soft and filled with a love intended for another. Tonks was unable to stop the tears from sliding down her face as she gazed up at him, he did not see her, his tender words were meant for someone else...his heated kisses filled with a passion he did not feel for her, the desire in his eyes as he swept gazed at her proved that he was only thinking of him.

She was unlike anything Remus had experienced before, she was wet and tight and hot, her breasts soft against his hands, her body gentle and plaint as they moved against the scratchy rug. But his mind didn't dwell on it, he thought only of Sirius, when he dragged his fingers through her hair, when he kissed her deeply, when he gazed into silver eyes...it was Sirius he saw. When she moaned his name, it was Sirius' voice he heard. When he came, with a violent shudder, it was Sirius' name that left his lips.

Afterwards they lay still, panting slightly. Remus slowly came to his senses and he lifted himself up so he was sat on his knees, he looked down to see Tonks. Her eyes had turned dark brown, almost black and her hair, which was splayed across the carpet was brown and dull looking and the tears that fell silently down her cheeks made his heart break all over again. He bit down on his bottom lip, he reached for her before drawing back. "I-I'm sorry..." he whispered softly. "Tonks...I am so...so sorry!"

Tonks sat up slowly, unable to look at him. She reached for her clothes, putting them on as she stood shakily and walked away. Remus sat still, the fire dying in the hearth as he gazed into nothing, tears slid down his face, unchecked. His body didn't feel cold or hot...he simply felt numb and, as the door slammed shut he fell forward, shoving fingers into his hair and gripping it tightly as his grief overwhelmed him. "Sirius..."


	30. Chapter Thirty: To Love Again

**A/N: And so, we come to the end of our tumultuous journey! This is by far one of fave fics I have written, I have enjoyed every minute of it and I couldn't have done it without you, thank you all.**

Chapter Thirty: To Love Again...

_**Gretchen Kemp:  
><strong>__There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me._

The picture sat on the mantel piece. Remus was unable to look away from it, Sirius' face shone with joy from James' embrace. His eyes glittered with innocent happiness and Remus was struck once again by the powerful realisation that he was alone...he was alone...stuck with the living and he didn't want to be. He grabbed the picture and took a sharp breath before turning and throwing it against the wall.

The glass shattered, the frame bent. Remus stood, breathing heavily through the tears, he was afraid...he was terrified of the future because everything looked so dark, so oppressive without Sirius. He was losing it. His mind shattered each time he saw Sirius' face, frozen in shock and fear as he fell backwards through the veil. He had never wanted to join him more...yet something kept him from throwing himself off the church bell tower. He choked on his tears, falling to his knees and covering his head with his arms as if the ceiling was crushing him. He sobbed desperately, his heart shattering.

He could still feel Sirius' fingers on his skin, when he slept at night he would wake in the early hours and feel the warmth of another at his side, but when he reached for him and opened his eyes, the illusion was broken. Only cold sheets met his reaching hands, only a cold, scentless pillow lay where Sirius' head should have been.

He was plagued by guilt, it sat heavily in his chest as he sat curled on his bed gazing at the opposite wall. He had hurt Tonks...he knew he had, he hadn't meant to...he had acted on the darkness that filled the space where Sirius had been and he had hurt an innocent girl. He shoved fingers into his hair and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. "Sirius...what am I supposed to do?" He whispered into the empty dawn.

Time passed slowly, Tonks was depressed, she had lost control of her powers, becoming distant. Once when Remus visited the Burrow to leave a message for Dumbledore he was accosted by Molly, she fussed over him, forcing him to stay for tea and she pushed him into a seat.

"Look at you!" She admonished sternly, her gaze soft and gentle. "You're a state! When was the last time you shaved? Deary me, anyone would think you were falling apart..." Remus merely looked at her through his prematurely greying hair and she sighed sadly before sitting at his side. She put a hand on his arm. "Remus, you can't dwell on the past, you know you can't." She said softly.

"Molly, I'm fine..." He said without conviction and she gave him a look that said she plainly didn't believe him.

"If you live in the past you will forget to live in the present, there are people who need you and care about you, Remus. Come on, drink your tea and go home...get washed up and drag yourself from this pit before it consumes you."

When Tonks first confronted him since their last encounter she asked him why...and he couldn't answer her. He fobbed her off with excuses, she confessed her feelings to him and he pushed her aside. Because Love was painful. Love was too much. He couldn't do it again...it would end him.

He lived in a state of weariness so complete it was as if he was dreaming, his life was empty, when he gazed into the future all he could see was darkness and hopelessness...and yet...

Tonks' hand found his. The world was slowly waking to a dawn of grief and pain, a dawn where hope held on by a tentative thread that would snap as easily as a spider's web. The Pheonix was gone, his song lingering in their hearts and vibrating through their clasped hands. Remus turned to her, eyes filled with grief and a deep seated terror as he opened his mouth; "Is this...alright?" He asked softly.

Tonks could only smile in reply, her fingers tightening on his own. "I think it is." She said after a small silence.

Remus nodded and turned his gaze to the empty grounds, the noises of grief and fear still echoed through the castle, his bruises and cuts from the battle were no longer painful but there was a deep seated ache in his heart as he thought of Dumbledore...the man who had given him everything...the man who had given him a life, friends...a family...

Their wedding was small. A quiet, no fuss affair and when he leaned down to kiss his new wife he felt the buzz of what could have been happiness...yet he couldn't be. Confetti swept around them and he heard the soft applause from the small gathering. He walked his wife down the aisle, she was beaming, her face glowing with joy and yet his smile remained stiff...because every time he touched her, every time her skin met his he felt nothing but a burning agony in his chest and he wanted to scream, to fight, to do anything to stop himself from falling again...but once begun it was impossible to stop...

He tried to pull away. He tried to leave her...terrified of the familiar feeling of contentment. He tried to run when she told him she was going to have his child, he couldn't handle it. His mind was full of terror as he thought about what kind of monster would spring from his loins, he tried to push her away, make her hate him but...

He came back.

He always came back.

His son was perfection personified and when he saw him, lying in his mother's arms he felt such an intense surge of love for the boy he couldn't help but feel tears sting his eyes. The emotion was powerful and painful and yet he held Teddy gently, one arm wrapped around his mothers shoulders and cried silently into her hair.

The joy wasn't to last. He said farewell to his wife and child as they stood on the doorstep of their house, as he walked down the path he looked back at them. Tonks standing in the doorway with tears on her cheeks and his son with bright turquoise hair fast asleep. He turned away for what he thought would be the last time...

Light slammed into him, he flew backwards, smashing into the wall. Air was driven from his lungs as he fell forward onto hands and knees, his wand a few feet away, he watched in detached horror as a booted foot stamped on it, snapping it in two. Slowly his eyes rose, the masked Death Eater was grinning, his wand pointing directly into Remus' face.

"NO!"

The scream was a woman's. Remus turned to see Tonks flying towards them, shooting a curse at the Death Eater who deflected it. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, Tonks ran to him, their hands found each other...fingers reaching, grasping desperately...eyes wide with mingled fear and joy as they finally, _finally_ held each other...Remus looked into her eyes, he grabbed her, holding her tightly, attempting to protect her from it all...

The light was bright...

A gorgeous green flash and he was thrown into darkness...

_Swirling mists surrounded him, whispers haunted him. He flew through it all, hardly aware of what was happening. His body felt odd, light and empty. Emotion was a memory..._

_Then he heard it. A voice. Gentle yet insistent..._

"_Remus..."_

_He opened his eyes and gazed up at bright white mist. He was surrounded by nothing and yet he had to be on something, he could feel something solid beneath his body._

"_Remus..."_

_That voice again, so close and yet so distant, he sat up, looking around and saw the mists part slowly, swirling aside as soft laughter reached his ears. He pulled himself to his feet seeing two figures emerge. _

_Sirius stood there, a big, goofy grin on his face. Remus blinked, unsure if he was really seeing it. Sirius' face was handsome, as handsome as it had been in their youth, he looked like the seventeen year old they had left school with and then his eyes alighted upon another figure. His knees gave way and he fell. "James..." He gasped as James smiled, pushing his glasses further onto his nose. "S-Sirius..."_

_Sirius stepped closer, crouching down, his eyes filled with a softness that broke Remus' already bruised heart. "Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs would like to welcome Mr. Moony home..." he whispered, his fingers sliding through Remus' hair._

"_H-Home?"_

"_Yes, welcome home, Moony." James said, holding out his hand as he bent at the waist._

_Remus felt a smile stretch his lips, he reached up, taking James' hand and he was dragged into a warm embrace as Sirius embraced them both. He laughed. A loud relieved laugh that echoed through the weird mist, tears of joy fell down his face and his heart soared..._

"_Remus, I never stopped." Sirius whispered into his hair. "I never, ever stopped..."_

"_I know." Remus replied, smiling into Sirius' hair. "I know."_

_XXX_

_You've come to journey's end__  
><em>_Sleep now__  
><em>_And dream of the ones who came before__  
><em>_They are calling__  
><em>_From across the distant shore___

_Why do you weep?__  
><em>_What are these tears upon your face?__  
><em>_Soon you will see__  
><em>_All of your fears will pass away__  
><em>_Safe in my arms__  
><em>_You're only sleeping_

**THE END!**

**The Lyrics are taken from Annie Lennox's song 'Into the West', a beautiful song that sums up death for me. :) Hope you enjoyed reading this, much love to you and my eternal thanks for all your wonderful reviews and support! Feel free to check out my other stories! (Shameless self promotion! Lol)**


End file.
